Fear??

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4/27/07 Friday
I feel like I didn’t go to sleep this four this morning. I didn’t go to sleep till four this morning. Can’t think of any special reason why. I ended up going back online to look up info on the different plants I have seeds for. Then I fixed a bowl of cereal hoping that would help me fall asleep. Nothing worked. Got up at 8:00, fed the cat (Had no choice. Little, no fat sucker gets vocal about it) and went back to bed. The coffee maker just stopped making its gurgling noises so the coffee’s done. Made it strong as I like it so I’ll go get a cup of the last drug I have yet to give up with the hope caffeine will jolt me awake.

I’m a little foggy this morning but I attribute that to the lack of sleep. Worrying about a couple of E mails I got, one from Toledo that I am not sure I interpreted correctly and one from Midland. That one is from a fellow blogger and I am running my answer through this mind repeatedly with the fear I came across needy or something. Kind of gun shy when it comes to meeting others. Not kinda, absolutely there. Gotta get control of this. Fear is a terrible thing that always lurks in the dark recesses of the mind where it feeds on all the pains and hurts, real and imagined, built up over a lifetime. Then it rides out astride the horse of insecurity every time I open that door. David Letterman has a piece he always does called “Great moments in presidential speeches” that always starts with a recording of a famous statement made by a president who’s name I can’t recall. “The only thing to fear is…fear itself”. Uncontrolled these thoughts bring about the very thing one is afraid of. The bible says that what a man fears will come on him, or something like that. So I’ll push through it and act as if I am not worried, take this person up on giving him a call when I’m in the area.

I miss Cherie lots but I suppose that’s to be expected. In many ways she is a support and strength for me but so am I for her. Together we are pretty strong, apart things can be a little harder. She calls me every evening. Last night she called while I was out pulling weeds on the garden beds I dug for the herbs. It was just as the sun was setting. I described the sunset and how moths or butterflies (It was getting dark so hard to tell) were flitting from flower to flower feeding on their nectar. Told her that the yellow flowers that have showed up all over the place are still coming out. I didn’t mean to make her miss being here more but I don’t suppose there is nothing that could stop that just as there is nothing that will make me not miss her.

Mom is slowly progressing in her recovery. Thanks for the prayers. Been told to not say much about things up there.

2:31 – Haven’t eaten yet. Got to working on the garden, weeding and putting fertilizer on the corn. Spread it and them worked it into the soil with a claw thing I found that’s designed for that type of stuff. I was going to go t Aldredge Nursery to see about getting more of the compost and stuff from the pile of bags that had broke open. Haven’t been to steady or lucid so haven’t gone. Real tired which is no surprise considering I didn’t get much sleep so I will take a nap. I usually have to around this time of day anyway. Perhaps I’ll remember to eat when I wake up.

I just woke up. Forgot to disconnect the PC Internet card so the laptop stayed online the whole time. I can’t remember if we have a limit on how many minutes we have before they start charging more air time on our cell phone bill. Keep doing this and I’ll sure find out when the bill comes. Reminds me, I need to go into town and check mail. Was going to heat up the rice, bean, cheese thing I mixed up yesterday but maybe I’ll live the high life and get a burger at Sonic while out that way. Still thick headed with the ringing ears and stuff. That’s been with me all day.

Had a jalapeño cheeseburger at sonic. Eating seemed to clear my head some. Suppose I should eat more than once a day but when you don’t feel hunger it kinda slips your mind. Got plenty of food just don’t think to eat.

Anyway, I spent the rest of the day mowing the lawn with my hoe. Making a big pile of the weeds so I can compost them. It works better when they’re still green instead of the compost I tried to make with the dead tumbleweeds. Got lots more to do but I’m only going to take down the big weeds. Lots of the “lawn” has a short plant that seems kind of innocuous. (There’s another word that I don’t know what it means but it feels right) Anyway it isn’t three feet tall and doesn’t have any thorny stickers on it, at least not yet, so I’ll let it stay and see what happens. Besides that I’ve got blisters so it’ll give me a lot less to cut down. Works for me.

Hope I can get to sleep tonight. Cherie called about five. She’s tired also but it’s hard to get sleep when your on the couch in the living room with things going on all the time. Plus the cat pee smell doesn’t help. It was good to hear from her. Mom is doing fairly well and may be released from the rehab place earlier than they thought. I guess there is a lot of tension because of the changes that are coming. Cherie said they’ve been looking at places her parents can move to but everything in Toledo is awfully expensive. That just makes things harder.

So we talked and miss each other. Can’t wait till she comes home. Well I suppose I’ll have to but…you know what I mean. Just not complete without her.