What will be the result?

4/22/07 Sunday
Well I went to church this morning. I almost didn’t make it because of the effects stress has on me so deciding what clothes to wear was a challenge. The stress was from my plans to open up about how alone we feel, and to ask Darryl if there was something I had done to offend him that would cause him to avoid us. Darryl wasn’t there today, no place to be found. Neither was Kevin or Steve.

Because of that our Sunday school class joined with the one Steve taught and an older guy taught it. Coincidently enough the lesson was on how Christians should love one another. Towards the end I worked up the courage to say something. I started with “I hope you forgive me” and said I would be blunt with what I had to say. “We’ve been coming here six months. Does any one of you know who I am?” I said. Because of how amplified my emotions are from the brain injury it took everything I had to not cry. Hate that. Makes me feel like a little girl. I don’t know if I offended anyone, only time will tell that, but I do know it got through to a few for they told me later how glad they were I opened up. Some told me it needed to be said.

I had printed up a bunch of business cards that had the blog address on it to take with me. It is my hope that by reading the blog some will perhaps get an idea of who we are, that we will become something more than strangers that are seen on Sunday. One of the women told me that she had learned that she must reach out in order to be accepted. Another repeated what we have heard so many times, even in Midland, that this is a closed community. Everyone knew everyone else for all their lives so all others were “outsiders”. That may be but regardless that is not how the bible these folks study says your supposed to act.

In the church service you could tell how the West Virginia massacre affected pastor Dave. He talked of the uncertainty of life and the funeral he had just attended of a close friend. After the service I decided to just sit in the pew in case anyone wanted to respond to what I had said in Sunday school. There were a few and I was grateful for them. I had explained that my biggest concern was for my wife, that she would find someone to talk with.

The guy who brought me a piece of mesquite a while back introduced me to some one from the church camp asking if I would like to come out and help. I said I would be happy to but also explained to them the issues that come with this brain injury so they would understand. I explained some of this to one of the ladies who had thanked me for opening up. That was about how new and unfamiliar circumstances can impact me. Also that I often need things explained in simple ways so I don’t get confused. When James, the guy from church camp, (I had him give me a business card so I could remember his name) said “Just come on out” I let him know that I must schedule things and would do much better if he called to set up a time. After I’ve gone there a few times and become familiar with it I’ll be fine.

DELETED

I handed out a bunch of the cards and hope it will help. I’m running out of steam as I so often do at this time so will probably take the nap that helps refresh me after I post this. I don’t think I ate so should whip something up before I forget again.

Ok, I forgot again. It’s 4:00 so I’ll fix a lunch-supper. Probably should cook the chicken before it goes bad.

Got the grill out to cook the chicken. First I had to clean it because, as is the way out here, it was full of sand. Of course being a grill there was grease, and where there was grease there was a caked putty mixture with sand. So I took it to the garden hose and sprayed it down before wiping everything off with the first rag I saw. Unfortunately that was the T-shirt I had been wearing on my head to keep the sun off. Works good cause it won’t blow off like hats do out here. Scratch another T-shirt.

The chicken was good. Put it between a couple of pieces of bread. Cherie called and hearing her voice always lifts my heart. Seems like she’s been gone a week. She is tired as I expected with all she must deal with. She said dad wasn’t misbehaving too bad. They took mom outside for the first time after getting her in a wheelchair. Cherie said the weather is perfect, sunny and around seventy degrees. She said it was so cute when they rolled her out and mom said “I’m outside. I can’t believe I’m outside”.

I’ve got a splitter of a headache now and it’s still on the rise. It’s coming with a curious weakness also. At least I got things watered. Took a pain pill and will lay in bed a bit. Hopefully it will pass quickly.

It’s 9:00 now. I still feel kinda strange and have to wonder if I took too much Hydrocodone. I am always careful to let Cherie know whenever I took one of these because she is my memory for so many things, particularly things like taking medication. For my seizure meds it’s no problem because of the pill minder I use that has the daily doses compartmentalized for each day. I can look at it and tell if I did or didn’t take my meds. The pain pills I only take when the pain level gets pretty high because of my great respect for the dangers these pose. Unfortunately she is not here so I couldn’t do that. Can’t say for sure if that’s what’s going on. Will have to be careful and maybe keep a note pad to write down when I take one.

When we first moved here I would hear a car slowing down and my heart would skip a beat as I hoped it would be a visitor. I remember when pastor Dave came I told him he was our first visitor. Other than Steve dropping off some food and Kevin the firewood he has been our only visitor. The only one that stayed and talked for a bit. Now, after what I said in Sunday school I find myself listening with the same holding of my breath, again hoping they would pull in. The problem is most of these cars are slowing down to turn onto the road just a few hundred feet away so that’s allot of cars.

I don’t know what else I was going to write. It’s been a long day. Night all.