Climbing a moving wall

8/18/09 Tuesday
Lately it seems like every time I take a step forward something blocks it. It’s uncanny, one thing after another but they are mostly connected to my body. Yesterday it was the scary chest pain thing. I’ve had that before but not with the headache. This afternoon, right now, it’s a major slowdown. I had spent much of the morning answering emails and chatted with a friend in Arizona and my youngest son in Michigan. It wasn’t a long chat with him. He doesn’t write much, usually short words. Said he was missing his friend Ty. I don’t know who Ty is or much of anything else going on in his life. This brings great sadness as I once again am reminded of the great gulf between us. Always I face the consequences of bad decisions yet it is those bad decisions that reunited me with Cherie.

I am slow, about a four on the bob scale. Typing is a tedious process as I work to find the words to put my thoughts on paper. Paper being this laptop. Then to add to it is the headache that is pounding. This sucks and just frustrates the hell out of me. I want to work, want to get things done, and need to as well, but it’s like there is a wall erected in front of me, a barrier that keeps shifting to be in the way. Part of me knows that laying down helps with the headache, that turning off the lights eases the pain. Part of me wants to do that, just hit the bed and do nothing, hide from the headache and frustration. But I refuse to. I don’t know what I’ll do but I’ll be damned if I’m going to lay down. Working outside probably won’t happen. I was out earlier and got quite confused trying to decide what to do. It’s noon so I’m supposed to eat. I’ll do it but don’t want to. Feel like I’m wasting time when I eat.

My father on one of the fighter jets he trained in. He was a Korean war ace and later a test pilot who flew experimental aircraft with top secret classifications. Eventually I hope to learn more about him, to know who my dad is. The walls between us are crumbling so this hope may come about. This is an old picture I found in my mothers stuff

My sister emailed me to give me an update about my father. He’s doing as good as you could expect under the circumstances. She said he’s displaying some short term memory issues from the brain tumor and chemotherapy. That I can relate too. He was glad to get the card from me. I sent some old pictures we found but he didn’t recognize anyone in them. Robin told me that my brother hasn’t bad mouthed me to my dad. That would be nice. Unfortunately I’m not confident of that but hope it’s true. I wrote Robin back but now worry about what I said. I’m just honest and say what I think.

Also I did some Facebook stuff. This is new to me and burns up a lot of time. But it helps me talk to a lot of people. I talk to the world with the blog but they don’t often talk back. Facebook is different. So I communicated with Cherie’s nephew in Toledo, Jimmy Patterson, the reporter who did a story on us in the Midland paper, Malkie, the Orthodox Jew that found me through blogging friends, and I can’t remember who else.

What I did that I feel is important is contact GLC about scheduling Ron Charles to be on their station. I hope that works out.

These slowdowns always just suck the energy out of me. I’m having a hard time staying awake as I type. So I must find something physical to do in order to keep going. I guess that would be fixing something to eat for now. It’s so frustrating to be me at times like this. I want to move the world but can’t hardly move my ass.