Love a good start

Don't cling to anything and don't reject anything. Let come what comes, and accomodate yourself to that, whatever it is. If good mental images arise, that is fine. If bad mental images arise, that is fine, too. Look on all of it as equal, and make yourself comfortable with whatever happens. Don't fight with what you experience, just observe it all mindfully.

-Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English" (Budhist teachings)

4/19/06 Wednesday
It is a good morning, one of the better ones I have had lately, I am running a good 8 on the Bob scale. Hope it stays that way all day. There is nothing on my calendar so I need to make a plan. That way things will get accomplished. There is much house cleaning that needs to be done so I will concentrate on that. Of course I might get a call from Fred or one of the others I help and have to go take care of them.

These gas prices are killing me. I am spending around $150.00 a month, mostly driving others around. Add to that what goes into Cherie’s car and we hit $250.00. That’s about what her car payment is. We are both being very conservative. Cherie no longer comes home for lunch to avoid the extra twenty mile journey. I won’t go visiting at all now though I will go see Allen to make sure he continues the path I laid out for him.

He returned my call last night but I missed it. I had called him at 4:00 or so and he returned it at 9:00. Hope he wasn’t just getting up. We watched the television show “The Unit” last night. On it they portrayed a wheelchair bound Veteran who was addicted to pain killers. From the description it was Oxycontin. It was very similar to Allen with the mood changes and manipulation to hide and minimize the addiction.

Speaking of TV shows, Dr. Phil had an interesting one that focused on out of control children. There was film of a kid who would fly into a rage at a moments notice, breaking windows, kicking doors off their hinges, and even taking an axe and chopping holes in the walls. He would attack his younger brother, his father and mother, calling her a bitch and lots of other stuff that was bleeped out. He would get out knives and threaten them.

What struck me was how the mother would minimize the problem. At one time she said “I’m not afraid to die” in reference to this son. She seemed to be blind to how bad things were. This mother knew there was a problem but said “Boys will be boy’s”. Dr. Phil was pretty clear on this. He understood that the maternal instinct to protect a child is one of the strongest drives a woman has and was a big part of this. But he said that if they did not do something now the boy would have a really bad life. Part of the problem was his disregard of rules and the law. Dr. Phil said he had seen this many times in the court system and that if something wasn’t done this kid would end up hurting someone and, or go to prison.

I’ve seen this type of thing and in fact can relate to it very well. I used to fly off the handle as a kid myself and was held back in the fifth grade because I went after a girl with a pair of scissors because she took the desk I wanted. To say I had a troubled life would be an understatement. As I got older I would settle down a little. Not because I was straightening up but because I suffered some serious consequences for my actions that included prison. That was a kick in the butt that helped wake me up. Still I had a core of rebellion that would cause problems the rest of my life. Now I channel it by fighting the system where it fails to do it’s stated job. Fighting for Wayne’s Social Security, housing, and medical needs is a good example of that.

You can always tell when I am doing well by how much I write. When this brain is active it covers allot of territory. I miss the time when I was like this twenty four hours a day and was on top of the world. I need to get moving while I am at prime time and get as much done as I can because I never know how long it will last. Stay tuned for more. I will add to this entry as the day moves along so come back and check now and then.

There is a steady increase of visitors to this blog. Had one from Saudi Arabia that had Googled “Ahmed”. He (or she) read quite a bit about my neighbor, the Sunni Muslim. That was an earful for them I am sure. The list of regular and sometimes daily visitors is also growing. I suppose that means some part of our life is interesting. Hey folks, leave a comment and say hi. I look at other blogs and see there is a regular dialog on some of them. Of course they are written to get that instead of just rambling on about personal things of little interest to those who are not family and friends. One of the ones I like is by the author “John Scalzi” at http://www.scalzi.com/whatever/ (one of these days I will learn how to put links in this)

I didn’t finish what happened yesterday. Cherie and I went to the park. She knew I was feeling down from having several bad days and also because the camera is in the shop right when everything is coming to life. Cherie got out her camera and loaded a new roll of film. “You know what we haven’t done in a while? We haven’t gone for our walk. We need to do that”. What a lovely woman I married. She knows and understands me. She has a wisdom that helps her comprehend what will help me. Wait till you see the pictures. I shot the whole roll of film. I am spoiled by the digital camera and it grates a little to have to wait and pay to get the film developed, especially with our budget being so tight. The cost of the lawyer in Texas is a big strain and on top of that $110 to fix the camera hurts.

Time to get moving now. It’s 9:00.
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11:35 – Been cleaning up a storm, sort of. The bathroom is halfway done as I am removing everything off the shelves and washing the shelves as well as the many bottles of stuff. The dust, or whatever you call it, from Cherie’s make up has built up on the top of every surface along with regular dust. I have just been doing a superficial wipe down up to this point so now I pay the price. It is frustrating to be faced with just how out of shape I am. My arm got tired just washing the mirror, actually scrubbing it because there are drops of paint from before Cherie moved in. I worked up a sweat doing these simple things. Part of that is because I never really had the chance to recover my strength after the coma. I had just started physical rehabilitation when I was extradited from St. Louis. We joined the YMCA and both started working out but couldn’t afford to continue after the scholarship ended.

Cherie came home for lunch. That surprised me but I always like to see her. I was able to talk with her about how to get more organized in the bathroom. I know what to do with my stuff but don’t dare mess with the woman’s domain. Half the stuff I am clueless about and I definitely understand how you like to have everything right where you want it. She had me put everything in a box so I could clean the shelves and she will go through it all later.

Eileen called while I was making a big bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. Eileen is my former secretary who worked for me twelve or so years. She told me that the gas company came to shut her gas off. It seems that Glen’s sister, Vera, called them and told them Glen was dead so the gas needed to be turned off. (Just to fill in the blanks for you readers out there, Glen was Eileen’s common law husband for 25 years. For more details put her name in the search engine at the top of this blog)

This caused some consternation to say the least. Vera has been as much of a greedy bitch as it is possible to be. She got herself declared executor of Glen’s estate and next of kin. This way she was able to access and clean out their bank account, which unfortunately was in Glen's name, and get Glen’s Social Security check sent to her. Eileen went to the bank their mortgage is at and learned that Vera had two lawyers trying to take the house away from Eileen and put in her name. Vera had told both the bank and gas company that Eileen had illegally used Glen’s last name. Actually she had it put down as Carder-Sterling, using both her last name and Glen’s. This is good as it will help her be officially recognized as his common law wife.

I had been trying to convince Eileen to get this done ever since Glen died but she wouldn’t do it. Now she understands and tomorrow I will take her to Social Security and ABLE (A legal service for those who cannot afford an attorney). Here I go again, fighting for the rights of the oppressed.

I got the bathroom scrubbed. It killed my back so I think I will lay down. No, I will carve. I can do that from a position that is not too painful. Typing at this computer hurts like hell at the moment.
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I forced myself to vacuum and wash the dishes. I called Allen to see if he made it to Social Security. He said he was unable to because the window on his truck was stuck down. That doesn’t hold much water because it was yesterday he was to do that after begging off Monday. He was driving his truck somewhere when the window got stuck. I’ll go over there tonight and fix it as well as talk to his depressed ass. Allen told me “I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know what to do”. I said I knew this was coming and that was why I’ve been pushing him so hard. “I’ve been down this road before Allen. I already know the song and the dance that goes with it” I let him know. If I have to baby sit him I will because it will save his life. He told me his head hurt because he was thinking to much about what he shouldn’t be. That would be suicide.

Then I got my tools out and carved for a while. I just quit because I am doing more harm than good. Cherie will be home soon. We are having crab cakes. I’ll see how she feels about me running to Allen’s tonight.