Sunday, April 09, 2006

Restless dreams

4/9/06 Sunday
Good morning world. It was a restless night or I suppose morning. I had some more of those intense highly detailed dreams. The first set of dreams were for me highly disturbing. In them it was a return to the drug days of my slide into madness. I was manipulating to get crack cocaine and then was going through all kinds of changes trying to find a place in an industrial concrete building to smoke it. There were visions of breaking of a “rock” (What a chunk of crack is called) and stuffing it in a crack pipe.

I woke up and went to the bathroom. Coming back it was my hope the dreams would not continue when I returned to sleep. That didn’t happen, they were still there in all their vivid detail and emotion. This is a stark reminder for me that the lure of these drugs will always be there. Even in the dreams I recognized that I did not want to do them but was unable to overcome the desire. As I said it was very disturbing.

I woke up again and again returned to sleep with the hope the dreams would not continue. I had one last dream but it was on a very different plane. In this one I was a reporter who was in an African country that was embroiled in a civil war. I was in a crowd that included leaders of one side of this war. There was an event involving the emotional plight of a young child that brought the two sides together and ended the civil war. I somehow helped to bring this about.

This is a picture of my father an I when things were better between us.

Then my father shows up. He was strangely contrite, which is not a part of his nature at all. In this dream he had changed his opinion of me, recognizing I was not the piece of garbage he thought I was. He reached out and gave me a hug that was sincere and genuine. He advised me to continue the course I was on and expressed that he was proud of how I turned out.

I don’t believe that dreams have a special or prophetic quality. I just think that they are a result of the issues going on in one’s mind. It would be great if the last one about my father was a precursor of things to come, that would be a dream come true. The only consolation I can get out of the drug ones is that I didn’t like the pull of the addiction and desired to be free. I am free and do not use drugs. My fear of returning to that which destroyed my life is palpable and probably is one of the reasons I am so bothered by our neighbor and her drug use.

That is my start for today. I woke up exhausted. We will go to church today at Westside Community. I am going mostly to see those there who have shown me they practice what they preach and thus gained my respect. I know that is not the main reason one should go to church for but that is it. I don’t pretend to be anything I am not and that includes this blog. No covering my true feelings or putting out that which is more acceptable to others. I am who I am. At least my brain is working well this morning so lets hope it stays that way. Time to get ready.

11:04 – We decided not to go to church. Cherie is a bit depressed or sad or something I can’t quite find a word for. I suspect this is partly due to the hormonal imbalance that comes with this time of life in women. It is a beautiful day out. I am going to miss having that camera and hope they get it fixed and back to me soon. We may go do some visiting. I don’t know for sure but I do know I will get Cherie out of the house as that should cheer her up a bit.

We went to Anderson’s to get some bacon at their meat shop and a new frying pan as the other was used up. The Teflon was wearing off and after some of the reports of adverse health affects from the chemical used I don’t like consuming it. We ended up buying way more than we intended but it was good for Cherie to get out and cheered her up a bit.

It didn’t take long for Cherie’s depression to return after we got home. I did what I could and got her to laugh a few times but it didn’t last. I tried to get her to go to a movie or rent a DVD but she didn’t feel up to it. I made some banana pudding from scratch and grilled the pre made flavored hamburgers we had picked up at Anderson’s. It is a great sunny day out so I was motivated to get the little portable gas grill out for the first time this year.

I called Allen up to check on him. I need to get him out of his hole to fight his depression so offered again to take him to a movie. He told me he was not feeling well and had only gotten three hours of sleep so turned me down. This is not unusual for him and is a part of his pattern. It is a combination of his manic depression, chronic pain, and the addiction to pain killers that do this. He’ll call again, either tonight or tomorrow, all energetic and ready to do something.

Sure enough. The cell phone just rang and it was Allen. “Hey Bob. I’m doing better now. Still want to get out?” he asked. It was nearly 8:00 and I generally don’t like to be out late so I told him “no”. We talked a bit and I was glad to hear he has been following up on the things I had directed him to. He made it to the pain clinic where Allen said they suggested he go through a procedure where they inject something in his spine to reduce the pain. Unfortunately this will cost $540 and Allen has not yet been approved for Medicaid. I need to follow up on Social Security with him because he had a phone call saying they had not received his paperwork and also would not accept a copy of his birth certificate. I’ll take him down there with the original.

I checked the blog and see that I have picked up another regular reader. This one is from Esher, Slough, United Kingdom. At least that is how it shows on the mapstats program. It fascinates me to see where people visit from and even more that some are interested in our life. So, HI! Glad to have you visit. Post a comment if you want. Love to hear from you.

Tomorrow I will take my clippers and go cut Wayne’s hair for him. I’m not a barber but I figure if I can sculpt wood I can do the same with his hair. Besides he’s half bald so there’s not too much to screw up. I will also work and learn with him how to arrange for his medical cab. We tried Friday with no luck. Always have to learn how to navigate the bureaucratic jungle.

This is from our first wedding in 1979. We were going to conquer the world and never imagined how life would take a twenty year detour. Now we have started life over where we left off. Just a little bit wiser now

Hopefully Cherie will be out of her blue funk when she gets up for work in the morning. I think she will be. This doesn’t happen much, especially since we got back together. She told me how she would spend days crying over the years we had been separated. That’s twenty years of misery but she said she is happier than she has ever been and ever thought she could be now that we are together. That holds true for me despite my brain injury. We both laugh and laugh.

Today was unusual and she said remorsefully “I lost a whole day”. That I can relate to very much. We talked about what we would like to do with the farm. At the Anderson’s we looked at sinks, counters, light fixtures, and other things. Cherie told me some ideas she has for raised flower beds and some of the other small dreams that go with the big one. It is good to look ahead.

I am wide awake but think I have written enough in this journal. I should do some writing on the book or something. There is a movie on the TV that Cherie is watching so I will go watch it with her. Good night.


Jayme said...

I just found your blog. I know I am going to like this. I've already subscribed! Your carvings are beyond belief, out of this world. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. I look forward to your next post! You are also invited to visit my blog. Take care.

ByronB said...

Esher Slough UK? That's probably me, and I live in a small village near Hampton Court - I couldn't afford a house in Esher, which is fairly posh. Esher is also some distance from Slough, which one of the nation's favourite poets - John Betjeman - disliked intensely!
I love the woodcarving - I tried to carve something for my wife once, but it was much harder than it looked! I had to count my fingers every time I finished :)

Bob said...

I learned to carve while in Texas prison doing ten years for selling ground up aspirin as cocaine. Had plenty of time to practice and it was then and still is a way I have of relaxing and destressing. I still cut myself on occasion but not like when I started. It is good to be creative in any form.
Don't know how this mapstats picks places folks are visiting from. I get some that are from Spain or someplace remote and when I look they are here in the US