Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Slow start

I’m cloudy this morning. Cherie noticed how slow I was. Had some wild dreams last night or early this morning. Took my pill. Tired on top of being slow. I have to wonder if one can have the partial seizures while sleeping cause they always drain me and leave me tired. I would ask the doctor but won’t cause I don’t want them to take my driving privileges away. I am fine but they are afraid of being sued or something so will take my license in a minute.

Carman kitty just came up to me on the bed, purring and demanding attention. It is hard to type with a kitty rubbing on your hand. I am having trouble typing anyway. Keep hitting the wrong keys. Not the one next to the one I want but typing letters out of order and hitting keys on the other side of the board. Once I typed the wrong word. I call these brain farts. They are little short circuits in this brain. Sometimes when I am like this I will have a wrong word come out while I talk with someone, usually not related to the subject at all. I think I will just try to go back to sleep and see if that helps. Some of these only last a short time. Just these two paragraphs took me over twenty minutes. Hope the lawyer doesn’t call.

Sleep isn’t going to happen so I will get up and get moving. I need to pick up Sharon’s window and put it in for her. I need take the wireless board out of the computer we will be giving to Sharon.

10:00 – This is a rough one. Crappy way to start out a day. I must stay focused on what I am doing. I fixed French toast for breakfast and burned some when I got distracted and forgot I was cooking. Perhaps I will try to carve because then I am focused and not easily distracted. I put some easy listening music on. I noticed I am doing that under my breath growling sound that I did a lot the first year or two after I woke up from the coma. I remember a few times when someone I was interviewing with asked me if I was growling at them. This is an unconscious thing.

10:40 – I just called Sharon to let her know I wouldn’t be out with her window this morning. Still pretty rough. Running a 2 or 3 on the Bob scale. Tried to copy the Betty Crocker cookbook program from the computer we are giving Sharon but it is too much for me to figure out while like this so I gave up.

Cherie just came home from work for lunch. That is always a bright spot, especially when I am like this. At these times my emotions are heightened and just looking into her beautiful eyes stirs me deeply. Still slow and now the headache is on the way. Took aspirin and Tramadol to head it off. Saving the Zomig as a last resort. Looks like I will lose a whole day with this one.

Got a really touching E mail from Linda in Florida. She is another person with brain injury I correspond with. She forwards lots of neat stuff. This brings home my sadness about my father who will not talk to me. Nothing like having your father hate and reject you to put a hole in your heart.
Her hair was up in a pony tail, her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees a dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently, anxious in their seats
One by one the teacher called a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching, a man who wasn't there.
"Where's her daddy at?" she heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offend her, as she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique.
"My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him. I'm not standing here alone.
"Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart
I know because he told me, he'll forever be in my heart"
With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her, doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud.
"I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far
You see he was a policeman and died just this past year
When airplanes hit the towers and taught Americans to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day.
And to her mothers amazement, she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side.
"I know you're with me Daddy," to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers, of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
an hour to appreciate them,
a day to love them,
but then an entire lifetime
to forget them.

2:31 – I am clearing up but just a little. Probably am running a 5 on the Bob scale. The headache is staying put, not increasing to migraine level. I can deal with that as I have been dealing with all my pain since I woke up. Just think about other things and ignore it. I sent out a bunch of E mails today. Should do more of that.

7:00 – I made it up to a 6 on the Bob scale. Wished this mind would have been sharp early today but it wasn’t so I lost another day. I did some wood carving, read and replied to some E mails, and made a few entries in this journal. Not a whole lot of progress. I hate these reminders I have a disability. Regardless I am blessed. I could be dead or still wandering around lost like I was so look at me now. I am married to my first love and have a modicum of security. What more does a man truly need? Sure we all want more but I am happy and many who have much more are not. You can’t buy happiness. Not the true kind that is deep and abiding. Sure you can have moments of joy from the things money makes available but when those moments are gone so is that joy. That doesn’t mean you can’t be happy if you have money. I am at peace where I am at now.

Cherie fixed some Tilapia fish that came from K&J meats. It comes smothered with spices and is great. She had a sudden nose bleed that was pretty bad and called me to come and put her hair back while she was in the bathroom trying to plug the leak. These have happened before and are a little scary. It settled down and so did we. I am drained from a day of being slow. Won’t have a problem going to sleep tonight.

Cherie and I talked about the farm some. As we cleaned of the table there were some of the drawings we had made as we dreamed of what we could do. I told Cherie that I had put a hold on dreaming because of the uncertainty of the whole estate thing. She said she had also because she didn’t want her dreams crushed. I will be glad when all this settles out. Nuff for today. I’ll be back tomorrow.

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