111505 Tuesday

11/15/05 Tuesday
     It’s rainy out. Kinda miserable. I feel like the weather, drab and overcast. Getting lost easy this morning. Just went to my Blog E mail address to send an E mail to a lady who I think is named Linda. She is another survivor of traumatic brain injury and we met through the blog. Anyway, to get back on track I went to my E mail address and read the one message there and forgot about E mailing Linda. I hope to get clearer. Some days I just wander around forgetting what I was going to do. The saying “Out of sight, out of mind” is particularly true for me. In fact what I do and have Cherie do is leave things out in places for me to see, thus reminding me of a task. With that and a written schedule I do just fine. Some days the memory seems much better
     Fred called me yesterday and asked if I could take him to the funeral home because his last cousin just died. At 87 he has outlived all his relatives. Last year his sister died. I will dress up a little for this.
     I already took my shower and just realized I forgot to shave when my hand felt the beard as I was moving into my “Thinker” pose. Better go do that and brush my  teeth (Which I also forgot) now before I forget again.
     Alright Bob, you did it. (Hey there’s no one hear to give me an Attaboy so I gave myself one. Nothing like patting yourself on the back). I put my sweats on as it is getting cold. We have not turned the heat on yet and won’t till we have to. The budgets tight enough with out cranking it up with our electric heat, especially in Toledo which has something like the third highest electricity in the country.
     I fixed a good breakfast and took all my pills. I am tired but should keep going. The ears are ringing now and the beginnings of a headache seem to be forming. The VA gave me something for the migraines. I like having something you just take when the problem is bad instead of constantly like the pain stuff I get which is basically on par with Tylenol or Ibuprofen. I don’t like feeding this body drugs because I am sure there are long term issues like liver or kidney problems. I’ve been toughing it out since I woke up because of my fear of addictive medications stemming from the addiction to Oxycontin that had much to do with my downfall.
     It is 11:18 now. I was thinking it was around 10:00 so time is moving fast for me. I watched Dr. Phil and it was on women who had no self esteem. This touched a cord for it is one of the problems Cherie has. Cherie has the worlds quickest “I’m sorry” and often uses it unconsciously in her sentences. This morning it was something like “It’s raining outside, I’m sorry”. I asked her why she said sorry and her reply was “Did I say I’m sorry?”. I work constantly to teach Cherie how to assert herself and express how she feels about things. If I ask “Would you like to go out to eat?” her answer would be “Do you want to go out to eat?” as she would try to align her answer with whatever I wanted. She is getting better and recognizes when she does this. I have to be careful also as she can interpret anything as pointing out a fault in her. Something else she can feel guilty about.
     Wayne just called. He asked “Could you do me a favor?”. I said that I didn’t know because I am taking Fred to the funeral home. “What do you need Wayne?” I asked after explaining my day. He said he needed bread and coffee. Right then the phone gives me that someone is calling beep so I told Wayne I would see what I could do. The other caller was Cherie and she asked if I was going to wear the black pants we just bought. Of course I don’t have a clue about the pants and don’t even remember buying any pants recently.
     I told her I hadn’t thought about what I was going to wear and was just going to look in the closet for something. With that she said she didn’t know if the black pants fit and then said she would run to Value City to buy some pants during lunch. She was trying to hard to be the perfect wife and not fail in anyway. “Cherie I’m fine. We’re not going to buy a pair of pants so I can wear them one time at a funeral home where I don’t know anyone, not even the deceased. Just relax, it’s ok.” I assured her knowing she had been dwelling on this all morning, working it up in her mind.
     OK! It’s official, I’m fat. Just went into the closet to get something to wear to the funeral home and there no longer remains anything nice I can fit in other than two pair of jeans. That and a dark shirt with my worn dress shoes will have to do. I probably will stay out in the car and wait. I’ve seen enough death.
     I called Barb to let her know she needs to reschedule her dentist’s appointment. She let me know that her check came in and that it is raining so she would get wet if she walked to cash it. It’s burning a hole in her pocket. I know Basil will be home because he doesn’t lay brick when it rains. I’m sure he is pushing her to get the check cashed so it can go down the drain that sucks in all their cash. I think that drain is crack and alcohol but couldn’t say for sure, just know there’s something there.
     I got Fred to the funeral home. He kept telling me he was just going to run in, pay his respects, and run out. I knew he is likely to meet family he has not seen before so I told him to take as long as he wanted because I had nothing else to do. I laid the seat back and turned up the Bach, Beethoven, or whatever was on the PBS station. It was a symphony (I don’t even know the correct term) that featured a violin in the lead. Anyway it was cool and I cranked it up. Some of those walking in the funeral home gave me some curious looks.
     It has been steadily raining all day. I wore the dress shoes Larry had given me and the sole has come loose on the toe so that shoe was leaking. I didn’t even get out of the car at the funeral home but Fred wanted to go shopping so I had no choice but to plog through puddles. The rain made it particularly hard for Fred to breath but he pushed through and bought allot, for him. He was getting impatient as I would list the things in the shelf he was looking at. Fred would grab a box and look at it, guessing at what it was. Then I would have to tell him so he would grab another box. It got rough after a little bit and he just started pointing at things faster than I could tell him what it was. I was glad when we were done.
     After I took Fred home and carried his food up I called Barb to see if she still needed her check cashed. I figured she already got it cashed and sure enough she did. It will probably be gone before it gets dark.