11/17/05 Thursday
It is 23 degrees this morning so I suppose I should wear my sweats today. I am running at about an 8 this morning. It should be a good day to write as my mind has been composing different parts of the story. I have been remembering different events going back to when I was a teenager. At this moment I can’t recall what I remembered. That is why I need to write these things down when they come up. I bought a small hand held digital recorder then a better recorder and this laptop with the idea of catching these thoughts. It hasn’t worked well with the recorders but this laptop has a little.
I called Wayne at 10:00 to make sure he was up for the MS luncheon. He sounded groggy when he answered and told me his leg has been hurting and he didn’t feel like going. I tried to convince him it was worth the discomfort to attend the luncheon because he would be around others with MS. “No Bob, not this time” was his reply. I am contemplating going without him to learn better how to help and find more resources.
Now I have a day without plans so I must schedule things so something might actually be accomplished. I think I will pass on the luncheon but if I don’t go anywhere Fred might get upset. This is because I had Barb reschedule her dental appointment so I could take Wayne to the luncheon. I called Barb as soon as I got done talking to Wayne to see if she rescheduled the appointment because I now could take her today or needed to get it in my calendar. She had rescheduled and her case worker was going to take her. Works for me.
Do I go to the luncheon? Do I call Allen to see how he is doing? Do I visit Eileen? Do I stay home and try to write or carve? Wish I had some dice to roll. It’s cold out. Windy and it might make it up to 33 degrees which feels like 15 in this wind. I think I will stay home. Besides that going somewhere to make Fred think I am taking Wayne is deception and I have vowed to live as honestly as possible. That is hard to do in a world where deception is the norm. I am sure some will argue about that but it is a fact. Then there are the gray areas as there always are. Do you tell a child she did a wonderful job on something dear to her heart or do you tell the truth “That was crappy”.
So define honesty. Absolute honesty which includes not hiding what you think would be an affront to all you meet. Imagine walking in a court house. You are surrounded by every part of humanity and as you walk past them you can’t help but say what you think. “Yes, I have some spare change but I’m not giving it to you cause you’ll just buy booze!!! Besides that you smell!!! Damn girl, you’re ugly!!! Hey lady…You always treat your kids like dogs!!! No your honor I think your decision sucks!!!” How long before you think I would be thrown in jail??? So define honesty. As with the whole universe balance is what needs to be established in this.
Now I am writing. Hope it keeps up but I think I will carve while the morning light is coming in. The sun has come out.

I did carve and will probably go back to it after I write a letter to my grandmother. Cherie came home for lunch and reminded me I needed to get that done so she will get it by Thanksgiving. I know Thanksgiving is coming but have no idea when it is. It’s another one of those things I lost from the memory and despite having three or four thanksgiving under my belt since I woke up those are forgotten. Nah I can remember them with clues, little reminders like pictures or something else that stirs this mind and unlocks the memory.

Right now it is snowing outside. Not much, just a few flakes blowing in the wind one moment and then a beam of light claws through the clouds. The snow flakes were large light floaters and when the sun hit them it was like a swirl of pure white butterflies. Now there’s nothing but a fast moving dark cloud receding out the window now and it’s back to looking cold out.

Writing the letter to Mee Maw, my grandmother was more than I bargained for. I made the letter with real big letters she can read and kept the sentences short. Then I thought I ought to go through the pictures I have from my mother and Mee Maw that I scanned in to this computer. Going through the pictures brought out all kinds of emotion. There is my father holding me as a newborn. There is Mee Maw holding me also. There’s my mom, again and again. Who were they? My father and mother. They are strangers to me. I really don’t know much about them. I know some basics like my dad was a fighter pilot, my mom was a Playboy bunny in Chicago and later was the first woman to hold a chair at the commodities exchange. Beyond that they are strangers to me. Mom’s dead and dad won’t talk to me so I guess I won’t get to know them.
Anyway you can see how I was thinking. Hard to be happy at these times. I look forward to Cherie coming home because she always makes me feel good and laugh.