11/16/05 Wednesday
I was fixing breakfast this morning when I had a horrible realization. I had forgotten about my youngest son Adam’s birthday the 13th. This settled on me like a ton of lead. I love him and have tried to restore a relationship. I haven’t been real successful for several reasons. I don’t call his home much because he is seldom there and the strong emotions connected with that house. Barb has only answered once but her boyfriend, the one I caught her having sex with would usually answer. Other than that I just leave a message for Adam asking him to call. Adam is now working two jobs making it harder to talk to him.
I think another big factor in this is his mom is bitter to no end and apparently doesn’t miss an opportunity to express that. These words just make it harder for Adam to think good of me. I will leave him an E mail with the hope we can talk.
What upsets me also in this is the role my brain injury plays in this. I had written down and learned both Bruce and Adam’s birthdays. I put them in my computer calendar to insure I would not forget. I have looked at that calendar and knew the birthday was coming, thought about what I would get him, and tried to set up a time to meet him and learn what he might want for his birthday. But I have been using my handwritten calendar more than my computer one. Fell out of the routine I had. Today is three days after his birthday and I just realized it. I guess I am lucky to even do that. I am depressed now. I hope it didn’t hurt Adam to not hear from me on his birthday but I know it must have hurt some. I am sure that my ex found ample fodder in this to launch another tirade about how evil I am. It drives me nuts to forget all the time and now it hurts not just me but others.
Cherie just called to remind me to do something. I don’t remember what it was already but will figure it out. I don’t want to go out, just crawl under the covers and hide, but I have to get Wayne some food. He ran out of stuff. At least I am running at a 6 instead of being real slow. Hope it stays that good.
I just noticed that I again poured dishwater and forgot about it. The water is cold now so I will repour it. It is 11:49 now. I got showered and brushed these morning breath teeth. It is hard for me not to think about Adam. Feel like shit about it.
Cherie just came home for lunch. She was going to stay at work but changed her mind. When she called earlier she could tell I was down and came home to cheer me up. She was a light in the darkness, a smile in despair. I know I wasn’t that bad but you get the idea. I held her and told her how she brightened me up. She just looked up at me and said “That’s my job, I’m your wife and I love you”. With that my eyes began to fill up with tears as they so often do at these times and of course Cherie’s did also. I am blessed.
It’s time for me to go take Wayne to the store.
As I headed out I see there is another sink full of dishwater I had poured and forgotten again. It’s hard to get things done when you forget about it. One distraction and it’s gone. Gotta go.
I got Wayne to the grocery store and pushed the cart while he picked what he needed. He talked non stop as he does and this time I was better able to follow his conversation. I told Wayne what I have said before, that he needs to do more stuff for himself instead of relying on others to take care of things for him.