11/9/05 Wednesday
It is cloudy, dark, and a damp chill kinda morning. I didn’t wake until late. I am tired and running about a 7. Not real quick but clear. I still had to ask Cherie what day it is. I don’t have anything scheduled today and don’t feel like going anywhere. Despite the chill today is to be a warm day getting up to 70 degrees. I know that for my Texas friends and hopefully family who read this 70 would seem cold but I consider it nice and warm. Hell I had the windows rolled down yesterday at 55 degrees as I traveled to and fro on my tasks. Anyway I hope the phone doesn’t ring today. Probably should hurry to get showered and fix breakfast cause that will help me get moving and hopefully the momentum will keep me going.
I was looking for something under programs and found all kinds of stuff I forgot I had and never used. I am sure I tried to learn how to use them but gave up in confusion. I know Microsoft Outlook was one I couldn’t figure out. Fact is I need to keep things simple cause I can’t really juggle too much. Time to shower before I get distracted and forget.
Well I showered and when I sat down to write this I realized that I forgot to eat. Yesterday I forgot all day long till Cherie asked me when she got home from work. I can’t figure why I keep gaining weight. I probably eat and forget I did. I just took the handful of vitamins and stuff Cherie lays out for me every morning. Lots of B-12 and fish stuff with it’s Omega III, whatever that is. Supposed to be good for the brain.
I was reading a thing Cherie had printed up for me about the link between brain injury and Alzheimer disease. It’s scary and with the multiple injuries I have incurred since childhood I am in the high probability group. That is another reason for this journal, it is my memory and will remain when I am gone, at least that is a hope I have. I think I will eat now. It is 10:12.
Never did eat. When I went into the kitchen I saw the dishwater I had poured and forgotten about. It was almost cold but not quite so I washed the dishes while it was there in front of me. With me “out of sight, out of mind” is pretty much literal for me with some exceptions. Anyway I just come here and sat down because washing dishes is one of those activities that kills my back so a little rest and then I will go eat. It is 11:00 now so I should call it lunch even though I will probably fix eggs. Yeah eggs and grits with the flour gravy like what my dad used to cook. Wish he would talk to me. OK it is trip number three to fix food, wish me luck.
That was good. It’s been a while but that is a reminiscent kind of a meal. Makes me remember being home sitting at the kitchen counter in San Antonio when I was maybe ten years old. The smoke of my parents cigarettes would always waft into my face but I couldn’t stop it. Wasn’t allowed to fidget or move much. My brother and little sister are at the counter also and my dad is in the kitchen fixing his buttermilk biscuits and this gravy along with eggs. I think he called it “dirty gravy” but I’m not sure. I remember doing this regularly but can’t connect much joy to these times.
Writing this brings up sadness and puts me in a melancholy mood. Don’t want to do anything but will press through.
Well I just zombied out and went blog surfing. That has become my latest pastime, one of my uses of empty spaces in my life. The sun has come out now. I am a bit slower and tired. May just lay down, may carve, or I may just sit here looking out the window. The headache is coming. Time for a preemptive strike. To the aspirin!!
I laid down and forgot to take aspirin. Just got myself up. Will get aspirin now. I wanted to go visit Eileen but I’m not going anywhere right now.
I carved. Forgot how hard it is for me to sit on the floor and do this. I had to stop and unfold my legs regularly and get up and walk around. I called Wayne and got frustrated when he started talking about all the calls I’m supposed to make and giving me a phone number to call for getting him a place. I can’t deal with it as he keeps talking and talking and tell him I’m not doing well so to tell me when I see him next. He kept on about another call I’m to make so I told him again to wait till when I see him to ask me about that. Finally it was “Wayne I’m not doing well and don’t want to deal with this now, I gotta go,,,gotta go,,, bye,,, ok Wayne I’m done, bye.” Hang up.
I feel bad that I haven’t been able to keep up with what I need and said I would do for Wayne. I think I am getting burned out helping people ?? No I really don’t know, I stay in the house more and have less tolerance of others. I am happy to share the world with Cherie and don’t leave this hub of security much. Don’t know if that is good or bad.
Just talked to Cherie and she isn’t sure she wants to go to the church home group tonight. I know that means she is tired. She does want to go to the park so she may just be stressed. She will call me when she is coming so I can meet her outside. I suppose I should get ready now or else I will be sitting here in my underwear when she calls.
We made it to the park and I had a hard time keeping up with Cherie. She was distraught and said she had been filled with a sense of foreboding all day long. This had her in quite a state by now. We walked and talked and walked some more. I would make Cherie slow down and sometimes stop to look at what was around us. It was getting dark and we were starting to see some of the deer. They were coming in from different areas and started to congregate near us. We just stood there watching. Some of the young deer were kind of wrestling with each other and another bigger one seemed aggressive. Soon there were eight or nine deer there and we watched them for a bit but had to go as the park closes at night. The picture is of Cherie while we were ot the park.
We came home and Cherie made a chili mac dish out of our leftovers that was great. I had gotten an apple pie that you bake in the oven and some pumpkin ice cream that we had for dessert. Now it is time to retire but I want to finish this.