As we plan on our future in Texas it is our goal to create beauty out of barreness, to imitate the good things of nature.

1/30/06 Monday
I was up till about 2:00 this morning taking advantage of this brain working. There is much I have to think about, especially after talking to Larry. One of the things that came up was the fact that he has read the blog and peruses it on occasion to see what I am up to. He read the January 3rd entry where he had told Virginia he had six televisions so began “I really do have five TV’s” and launched into a discourse about them. Part of it was to prove he was not a liar. I really don’t care how many TV’s he has though I find the fact that one man has five televisions kind of a sad overkill.
The next thing that came up was the house he said he was buying when I talked to him January 3. I asked him why he would move out of the house he was buying and he told me he wasn’t buying that one, just renting. Larry forgets that in a way I have one of the best memories around. I have this journal and it is a record of my life going back four years though it is sketchy at the beginning because much of those early records disappeared when I was extradited from St. Louis. Larry had gone and picked up my belongings but the file cabinet and most of it’s contents he claimed he didn’t get though Dennis and Eva told me he did.
The record says he was moving out when I called him and as usual when I read these entries they return the memories. I remember hearing all the noise of people moving things and Larry stopping his conversation with me to give them instructions. I asked him at that time why he was moving out of the house he was buying and he said he was still buying it but was doing it through a friend to whom he would make payments. Now he was just renting it but talked of buying rental properties. That can be a good thing to do but not when you are unemployed and haven’t had a stable income in years. It is hard to tell fact from bullshit with Larry. He seems to blend the two together and doesn’t comprehend that stretching the truth becomes a lie. I don’t think he even is aware of it because he believes himself. As time goes by he will decay further from the drinking. This is just a medical fact. I have one form of brain damage from head trauma which effects specific areas but long term alcohol intake deteriorates all of the brain and causes permanent damage. I told Cherie that there is a good chance that we will be taking care of him, you know helping him, years from now.
I think I will go to the gym now.

I got back from the Y at a few minutes after 12:00 and Cherie had come home for lunch. She dug up the receipt for the laptop so I could register it. I had called the Toshiba service number this morning and they helped me fix the problem I had with the common module. That is when I found I had not registered it.
Cherie and I talked briefly and she went back to work. She put a roast in and I reminded her again she needs to ask me to do things. I was exhausted from working out so went back to bed. Now I have another headache and while it is not at the close the blinds and crawl back into bed level it is definitely making its presence known. I forced myself to get up and will again attempt to make bread now that we have fresh yeast. Ahmed is here today so I will try to make the apple crisp made with honey I found the recipe for.
It’s 4:30 now. I forced myself to keep moving despite the headache and back pain that is increased by working over a countertop. Washed the dishes and then I made the buttermilk bread dough and apple crisp. Just got done putting them in the oven and they will be done shortly after Cherie gets home. I love doing things for her. Now I hurt so much I will have to lay down. I need to face the reality that fixing up the house in Texas will be tough and I may not be able to do as much as I hope. If washing dishes and making bread is this hard what will construction do to me? At least the brain is working well.
I have often said I would gladly be confined to a wheelchair in exchange for a clear and stable mind. That is still my feeling but the pain is a different matter. I still refuse the pain medications that the doctors offer to prescribe because of how they took over my life prior to the accident. I fear the addiction and have Allen’s problems with that as a constant reminder of their power over ones life. Last night on 20/20 or 60 minutes they featured a man in a wheelchair with a spinal cord injury who had been sentenced to 25 years in prison because he forged prescriptions to get painkillers for relief. Now the state of Florida pays for his morphine drip that exceeds what he had been taking while free. This was a decent law abiding man who only sought a quality of life with his wife and family. Another example of criminal injustice and the stupidity of the legal system.
The bread I cooked turned out very well. I’ll have to do that again. We also loved the apple crisp and the fact it is made with all natural healthy ingredients is a big plus. I took some over to Ahmed and we talked for a couple of hours. First he told me how so many things are happening that bother him. Part of it comes from the prejudice and fear others have towards anyone who comes from the middle east. Many have taken advantage of him and taken his money. Sometimes this has come from law enforcement.
I gave him some basic advise that comes from the AA creed that helped him. It was simply not to worry about things you have no power to change. Then he started telling me about Islam and his beliefs. It was fascinating in a scary way. To him the Jews are the ultimate evil and the source of all our problems. One the weird things he said was that the Jews wrote the new testament to deceive Christians. He told me that Jesus wasn’t killed but that the Jews found someone who looked like him and killed that person. He said that Jesus was a prophet and is still alive. He focused on how it was impossible that Jesus was God because God could not come down and die. That would make us better than God. He mentioned again that Bin Laden was working for the CIA and that the US made up the names of the 911 hijackers. Then he talked about the devil, how Allah made him to rule us and that he controlled us or something like that. I was patient and told him of some of the Christian beliefs that he was unaware of. After a bit I said it was time for me to go.


Here are a series of pictures that show how the farm house has been ransacked several times.

The only people with keys are my brother and a few relatives. My brother Larry tried to convince Virginia that Cherie and I had done this. The fact that we were 1500 miles away and only came to visit once when she was in the nursing home and for the funeral didn't seem to register on his dim mind.


Here is where the washer and dryer used to be. One of them was brand new. Virginia's brothers had taken them out when they took my grandmother to the nursing home so they wouldn't "get stolen". I was told this after I questioned Virginia about it.


This picture Cherie and I took when we came to visit Lee in the nursing home. Things were already a mess when we got there.
This is the way we found the same scene when we came for her funeral. As you can see someone had gone through this mess again. Stories of Lee hiding money were common and Lee had told us that when Larry came to visit she could hear him going through things from her room. Of course she could barely get around to check on him.


My grandmother had paid Larry to paint the house a couple of years ago. As you can see he did not complete the job though he was happy to take her money. He knew she couldn't get out and check on the job.


Not only did he not finish but he didn't even scrape the old paint. Consequently the new paint is already peeling off.

As you can see there is allot of work we need to do. Imagine this cleaned with a nice green lawn. The tree there is a pecan tree. I figure lots of nuts to be appropriate for us. (That is some feeble Bob humour)

Here is the back of the house. We plan on putting in a sliding glass door with an awning and deck. I will also build a stone barbeque pit. Like my brother I love to cook and we hope to entertain friends. Here in Toledo we don't really have many friends we socialize with and look forward to changing that.

This is the bus that my late grandfather, Rudy, and I drove from Chicago loaded with my mothers stuff when we moved her to Texas. We don't have a clue what to do with it. It is still full of crap and has also been gone through several times. We are open to suggestions if any one out there has an idea.


One of the things I have been studying is something called "Passive Solar". It would entail removing the siding and building stone walls. (There's more to it than that but I'll keep it simple) The tin roof is durable but needs major renovation.

1/28/06 Saturday
Yesterday was a very good day. I stayed sharp all day long and got lots done. This morning I have a headache coming and am slow. Running a 4 on the Bob scale. Figures. Yesterday Glen and Eileen gave me the McAfee security program. I think it costs $80 or $90 dollars new. It is being a pain so I may uninstall it. I’ll wait till I am sharper to decide that. There is much I need to fill in on yesterdays entry and that too must wait till I clear up. Think I’ll go back to bed now. It is only 9:26. I showered and shaved because Fred said he might like to get out today. At first he said no because he knows I like to keep my weekends free but I told him it was OK. Cherie got me a couple of aspirin but they aren’t touching this so it’s time for the Zomig.
Fred called and I will take him out at 11:30. Hope the headache is better but it is 11:23 now so I’m out of luck. I will still do this because it is right and with the service comes the use of his Cadillac, which is a tremendous help to a one car family. Gotta go.


1/29/06 Sunday
Woke up at 6:00 this morning. Cherie was still asleep which is unusual because she is used to getting up for work. I got up and turned this laptop on and checked my E mail. Cherie got up around 7:30. It will be rainy all day. We don’t have a plans and I am not inclined to get out in this. The temp is going to drop all day long, down to just above freezing. I am running at a 7 this morning. Maybe a 6. Was alert but now am getting tired. I got upset at Cherie. She was shopping for about four hours yesterday and this morning I found she did not get everything on the list we keep of things we need.
Just got back from Kroger. This is one of those frustrating days that exemplifies the strange instability I have from the brain injury. I have a slight headache which I don’t care about too much. I am just a little slow but not bad at all. I laid down at 8:30 or so and when I woke up I was surprised to see it was 11:30. My right leg (The one that is partially paralyzed) is exceptionally numb and walking through Kroger was a chore. For those of you who don’t know, part of what they had to do at the hospital was to teach another part of my brain to operate that leg as well as to regain some of my right side coordination. This is one of the things that made some think I was faking because one moment I would limp badly and later would walk just fine. It’s just like me going from smart to stupid with the slow downs.
It’s already 3:00. Cherie just went out to do things like get cat food and visit her parents. When I stood up to kiss her I almost fell over because of the leg. I am kind of light headed now, the equilibrium is off.
3:42 – The ears are ringing and the headache is moving from mild to migraine. This sucks.
4:10 – I have closed all the blinds and had turned off the TV a while ago. I have slowed down to a 3 or 4 on the Bob scale. Called Cherie because a recipe I looked up to make for Ahmed calls for rolled oats. Don’t have a clue what that is and neither does Cherie. I’m feeling hot also so wonder what is going on.
I called Larry and left a message for him to call. Really don’t expect him too but it would be nice. Always hope for him to show integrity. You know, hope for the best.

9:33 – Just got off the phone with Larry. He never called back so I called him. I am still processing our conversation. In a way talking to Larry is like talking to air. He kept telling me why it would be good for us to move to the farm as if he was trying to sell me on the idea. During the conversation he told me about ten times “I want you to have the farm” (referring to the house). I finally told him that I was glad he wanted that because it was mine anyway and we were going to move down there whether he liked it or not. I said it to make the point that it wasn’t his decision exclusively. “Larry, we already own the farm. It’s yours and ours”. Then he said something about Virginia as if we had to get her OK on it. Then it was back to the he talked to the lawyer thing as if that was relevant. I’m really clueless about his train of thought. At least we didn’t get all pissed off like we usually do.
I had started out the conversation asking him if he read the E mail I sent. He said “Yeah, the real nasty one where you called me a liar and a nigger”. That threw me off so I told him I never called him a nigger and I grabbed this laptop and pulled up my E mail while we talked to prove it.
(Here it is) Well Larry, you ran allot of stuff by me the other day but here is what I need you to do. Put everything down in an E mail. I do much better with written statements and this should eliminate confusion and the "I didn't say that" crap. By the way you seem to be clueless about Virginia's powers and role as the executor of the estate. Her function is to assist us in negotiating the division of property and assets. I have consulted with those who know and it appears that you are full of shit and were trying to manipulate me. For you to "tell me" how it is going to be is an insult. I am far from stupid and will not be treated that way. While I am writing I would like a list of what you have removed from the house and what you have told others they can have or do. That includes Troy and his use of the garage. I don't have a problem with that but as half owner I will require you to include me in the loop. This is not just your domain to do as you wish. I am a phone call away. Getting along requires you to treat me with the same respect you would like shown to you.
Your brother, Bob
This was a response I made regarding Larry’s telling me Virginia would just sell the farm if I didn’t “come to an agreement”. (See the 1/16/06 journal entry) I started to read it to him and he didn’t seem to remember. I went back to the E-mail he was referring to which was sent November 27. I did get a little pissey in that one.
(Here’s that one)
Well Larry, I see things haven't changed with you. Virginia said that when you told her you finally had a job you said you would pay me what you owed because you were tired of me riding your ass. Really? How many times have I talked to you this year? Not many at all and only a couple of phone calls in the last six months. I had hoped you would do the right thing but it was in vain. I guess I will just add this to the long list of lies you have told. Not only have you lied to me but Virginia also. I have to wonder what other lies you have told about me to the rest of my family. I covered your ass regarding forging mothers signature on the title of the truck. I'm done with that now. I tried. Nothing like screwing over your own family, huh? Are you proud of yourself? Call me or E mail me. I'm tired of playing.
For the growing family of readers this refers to how my brother took what he could when our mother died without telling me. I could have let the state know he forged the title, which is a felony, but decided not to.
Anyway this ended up being one of the nicer conversations we have had. He told me he would be glad to come down and help work on the house to get it fixed up. That would be real nice because he knows a heck of a lot more about constructions stuff than I do. Only time will tell if he will do what he says.
Larry seemed again to be curious or inquisitive about my veterans benefits. He asked more questions about it and then lamented about how he has no insurance so if he got sick he was screwed. He asked about my discharge and seemed unaware I had an honorable discharge. Then he asked again about Social Security. Larry explained how the last companies he worked for had no benefits and that he needed to find a job. (He is still out of work) I mentioned that there were fantastic opportunities in New Orleans but he said he was not moving from Fort Worth because this was where his friends are. That I can understand but you got to do what you got to do to live. With his skills he could make a killing down there. Hell they’re rebuilding an entire city. It wouldn’t mean he has to vacate Fort Worth, just have to spend some time away. With my background and skills starting and running companies I could tap into the eight billion dollars in government grants set up for that area and set him up. The only problem is he would need supervision cause he is not a people person in the running employees area.

You know, it was a rough day all day and now that it’s getting late I am sharp. Figures. Yesterday was hard as you can tell by the short entry that I haven’t published yet. Eileen and others have had lots of questions about the farm in Texas so I think I will do a whole piece on that. Lots of the pictures we have. We will be rebuilding the house and everything else. It will be fun to do a step by step pictorial as we transform it into the oasis we have envisioned.


I have been spending lots of time researching what is called sustainable living. This is setting things up so your dependence on outside services such as electricity is reduced to a minimum. One of the things we are looking at is a composting toilet. This thing uses no water or with some models only takes a pint to flush, then it composts the waste, turning it into a dry humus that you can put in the garden as fertilizer. We will raise chickens and grow a big garden for fresh food. I have looked into rain water harvesting where we catch all the rain and send it to a cistern where it is treated. Rain water is about as pure as you can get. We have lots of plans and dreams but as with all things only time will tell.
Cherie talked to her sister, Connie, today. They talked about her parents. This is an area of great concern as they have both had strokes and are becoming increasingly unable to take care of themselves. We would like to get them safely set up before we leave so they can be looked after but it may not happen. Whenever Cherie brings it up her mom does her “It’s up to the Lord” thing. This blind belief is unnerving. She seems to think that God is just going to come down and take care of their problems. She is going to just sit there in the middle of the road while a truck comes barreling down towards her and wait for God to fix it. Where this theology comes from I don’t know but it seems more like giving up than believing. Kind of a cop out to sit on your ass and do nothing.

As I consider what is ahead my spirit soars.

1/27/06 Friday
This is another good morning. It’s prime time and there is much I am going to attempt to get done. Yesterday I accomplished none of my goals so hope to do better. Top of the list is to get moving on Wayne’s disability. I called Jill, from the MS lunch bunch, to ask her if she had any suggestions to get legal help that won’t cost as much. She is having a rough day and can’t get out of bed but she did have some valuable advise on where to look. I will start with dialing the 211 number that goes to a United Way agency and gives advise on issues. She also told me that there is a lawyer at Social Security who can help get this together at no cost. I will try that first.
I called Wayne to let him know this and to get ready because I will be coming to take him to Social Security.
Jeff called me early this morning and let me know that he was at the hospital with his ex wife who is passing kidney stones so he won’t be able to meet me for our Friday breakfast. I find it admirable that he is there for his ex despite the long and continuing divorce. Shows some quality of character in him.
I contemplated going to the Y this morning after learning the breakfast wont happen but decided that I need to make use of this period of clarity. I’m off now. Will pick up Cherie’s check or at least learn if the direct deposit is activated yet. Then I will head over to get Wayne. I will stop at Barb’s to drop of the hamburger buns Fred got for her if she is up.
I’ve been busy and stayed sharp all day long. I called Jill from the MS group and talked to her about Wayne’s Social Security issues and asked her advice. She said that SS provides a free lawyer to give advice and also mentioned the Ability Center. I picked Wayne up and took him to Social Security. The lady said there was no lawyer and was generally not helpful at all. I got frustrated and told her “Thank you for not helping” and walked out.
I drove Wayne directly over to Marcy Kaptur’s office because I was tired of the run around. She was getting on the elevator with us. I tell you what, she is the most impressive Congress person I have ever met or heard of. Very open and friendly and she remembered helping me. We talked to one of her staff who printed up some information that will help me immensely. I think I will try to do this without the lawyer. Paying 25% is robbery. I believe there is a good chance I can do this. Hope so cause if it fails it will put Wayne into a bind.
Then I took Wayne to get a haircut in Oregon where he used to go. His old barber was there and they had a good talk. With that done I took him to buy some groceries. He didn’t have any cash with him so I paid for the haircut and food. He paid me back $25. I dropped the hamburger buns off at Barb’s and came home.
Called Eileen on the way home to tell her we were going to the fish fry at the VFW or American Legion hall and asked if she and Glen would like to go. This is one run by Bernie so I hope to see him there. I think he is the president of the hall but don’t know. Eileen said she had something for me so I went and visited. Glen was on his computer so I talked with him a bit. His computer is hopped up and does more things than I can even keep up with.
They gave me the McAfee security program they had leftover. I tried to install it but it is giving me problems and doesn’t seem to be as effective as the Spy Doctor because when I scanned with McAfee it found nothing but Spy Doc found 31 infections. This has changed my computer and that makes me nervous. I need to back up everything.
Eileen and I talked for a while. She said “Texas is going to be a big change for Cherie. Do you think she will be able to handle it?”. I told her that it will be a big change for me also because I haven’t lived there in twenty five years. “I have family down there but I don’t know them and they really don’t know me. They have heard stories and knew me when I was a wild kid but all they really know is rumors and what Larry has told them. It will be a big change for me but we are going to build the life we should have had twenty five years ago”. Eileen looked at me with eyes that were both sad and I guess had a touch of wonderment and said “You guys are living a fairy tale”. That is true. Our story is one that sounds like a book written by a master story teller. I would have a hard time making a tale like this up. Gotta get writing the book again.
Cherie and I rushed to get to the fish fry and when we got to the hall there were hardly any cars in the lot so I called Eileen to make sure it was the right place. It was so we went in. NO Fish fry. It is only held on the first Friday of the month, not every Friday so that was that. I took Cherie to the Glendale Garden Café where the food is always fantastic and the prices low. We enjoyed each others company and talked of what to do with the house in Texas.

This is where the garden was and will be again when we start renewing the farm. See how the sand has drifted as high as the fence.

1/26/06 Thursday
Doing good this morning. It’s 8:21 and I am already showered and shaved. I’ve been thinking about the book lately and hope to write on it some today. I have also contemplated going to see my old friend Bernie who lived in his art studio across the hall from where my business’s were. Going over there is always painful as I face the world I had created. My offices, my warehouse, and mostly my woodshop. It’s all gone and the remains left by the scavengers, who pick through it still, echo in my mind as they bring the ghosts of my memories to the surface. I will call Bernie and I will go.
I called and left a message on his phone. Hope he returns it. I am always unsure of myself with those who knew me when I slipped into madness. I have written letters of apology and slipped them under doors when I couldn’t hand them personally to those I wish to apologize to.
Wayne called and asked me to call the lawyer and get the ball rolling on his disability claim. I remember telling him I was going to do so weeks or a month ago. I forgot and it was gone. I am sure I would remember to do it and then get distracted so the thought would vanish from my mind. This is a constant problem and is a big part of my disability. Geeze! The disabled helping the disabled, it is the way of things. With Wayne and I it is like the blind leading the blind. We both have serious memory issues. His is from the Multiple Sclerosis and of course mine is the brain injury. I’m not too good at helping but at least I try.

9:13 – I love these moments when the mind is bright and I have energy and motivation. I just washed the dishes and did some dusting. It is Prime time so I must make as much use of it while I can. I’m gonna rush something for breakfast and get writing. First I will write a letter to Norma Schmitz, the woman who helped me so much in St. Louis. Then I need to do the letter to Allen with the hope it will spur him to seek help.
Just fixed eggs and bacon. Now that I’ve eaten I am slowing a little. Wonder if eating affects this by changing the blood flow to the brain. I know that one of the reasons your not supposed to swim after eating is you can get cramps because your blood is directed more to the stomach as it absorbs the nutrients from the food.
Fred just called and would like me to take him to Rite Aid to get his prescription filled. I am doing better but have a headache on the way. I’ll take some aspirin for now with the hope that will work. I really don’t like taking the prescription drugs unless I need to.
I got him to Rite Aid just fine. It was the new store. I can’t remember for sure but I don’t think we have been inside before. It’s laid out well, nice and open with every row labeled well. You could read every isle marker (I don’t know what the hell they’re called) in the store from the door and know right where to go. That’s a man thing, you know, we like go in, get what we want, and get out. None of this shopping through the whole store stuff. All right, I did look around. Just curious you know. “Didn’t shop” just checked a few prices. That’s not shopping, Right??
After that Fred say’s “Let’s go to Crissey road, I haven’t been there in a while, you don’t mind do you”. “Fred not only do I not mind but I like doing this for you” I let him know and we were off.
When Fred said “Crissey road” he was referring to the thrift shop we go to where he picks up free bread for Barb and I get some for Wayne and anyone else I am helping. All they had was hot dog and hamburger buns. Fred fondled them as he asked me what they were. “Their hot dog buns Fred” I told him. He fondled and thought and he fondled and thought then he made out the word potato on the package so he asked “Do you think Barb could use these?”. “Oh yeah Fred, she’d love to get them” I reassured him. He picked out just two packages and I got one for home.
They had some buttermilk so I got a half gallon. Figured there are lots of recipe’s that use buttermilk so I will look them up on the Betty Crocker program that is in the computer Larry gave me. It had belonged to Delmer and Larry said Delmer didn’t like it so gave it to him.
Then Fred went looking through the place, with me following of course, I’m his eyes. There wasn’t anything there he was interested in so he decided to head out. First he wanted to ask if they would take his golf shoes. At the glass counter I looked through the items on display as I always do, looking for hidden treasures. The last time I got the cowboy hat, always find something. What’s that? Oh! Those scissors with the zig zag cut that are used in sewing. Cool!! Does Cherie have some??? “How much are those” I asked. She turned the box over and said “A dollar fifty”. Hey, I don’t care if Cherie has fifty pairs of these you can’t go wrong for a buck fifty. I know she would like the thought if nothing else. “They use those for sewing don’t they?” I asked her and she told me they are called pinking shears so I bought them.


(See the picture? I laid them out for Cherie to see when she gets home. This is the kind of mushy stuff we do)

Done at the thrift shop we headed over to Helen’s. Fred had gotten the envelope back he was bitching about earlier. It didn’t have enough postage on it so he was going to take it straight to her. Fred didn’t want to stay and visit at all so he handed her the envelope said a few words and we left.
The next stop was the bank. Fred wanted to “straighten them out” because I had taken him here to accomplish the small task of having copies of his checks sent to him. It took a while for him to get this done and then we came home where I am writing this. I tried calling Bernie and got his machine again.

Cherie came home and we went to the YMCA for our workout. We worked out together and I really like doing that. Of course I like every moment I spend with her. We started out on the treadmills. Cherie likes them better than the bikes but I have a hard time with the treadmills because of the partial paralysis on my right leg. I think I will stick to the bike. Then we went through the machines together. There were some that Cherie didn’t like because they were painful or something. The one that exercises the back I will have to be careful with cause it still hurts four hours later. Gotta be careful considering I broke this back before.
We whipped through the routine in thirty or so minutes and then came home. Cherie fixed up a meal using the leftover chicken from yesterday. She has turned into quite a cook, of course I must take a little credit for that. I love to cook and she loves to do things for me so it is a good blend.
It’s 10:30 now so I need to wrap this up.

Eventually we will be pulling up our roots to put them down in the sandy soil of Texas.

1/25/06 Wednesday
I am up now and other than having a stuffy head doing well. My typing speed and clarity indicate I am running about an 8 on the Bob scale. Hope it stays that way but as always never know. Don’t have anything scheduled for today or this week for that matter. Need to clean the house. Did most the dishes already. I suppose it would be good idea to eat.

1:02 – I fixed two egg sandwiches and had a glass of milk. At around 12:00 I had one of those ears ringing light headed sensation. It only lasted a couple of minutes. Had one of those yesterday before I had the slow down. I am running about a 4 Bob scale now. Maybe a three. Eating not only doesn’t help but may increase it. Don’t know. Hard to think right now.
Studied water wells in Texas. Drill depth seems to be around 165 feet. Not bad. Might not cost to much to drill a new one. It pisses me off. I was doing so well and now am slow making it hard to do things.
Didn’t get much done. Cherie whipped up a nice simple dinner with Mexican fiesta chicken, veggies, and cornbread. It is 7:10 and another migraine just came on quickly. We got a package of pictures from Virginia today. They are pictures Lee had given to Jimmy Hollandsworth, Virginia’s brother. Many of them are labeled but some aren’t. There is tons of history here. Pictures of my mother as a child, pictures of Rudy, his family, in the service, and with Lee.
Virginia had a short note in the package and said the lawyer was out of town till next week so she wouldn’t see him till then. I need to send her a thank you. She reads this so “Thank you Virginia”.
It’s nearly 11:00 and Cherie is snoring in bed beside me so I think this will be all for the night.

More Texas flowers

1/24/06 Tuesday
Cherie and I both woke up tired. She stayed in bed and when I told her the time said she wasn’t going to take a shower so would be OK. I gave her a kiss as she left and went back to bed to watch the news. As soon as I hit the covers the kitchen phone rang so I got up and rushed to answer it wondering who it might be. It was Cherie and she was still in the parking lot. “Honey, there’s all kinds of debris out here. I don’t know if it was a wreck but there is someone’s planner out here” she started out saying. As she worried about it I told her “I’ll go out and look at it Cherie. You need to get to work”.
Going out I saw all kinds of papers blown across the parking lot and what looked like a book bag, along with pantyhose and stuff. I wondered if it belonged to some kid who lost it at the bus stop but when I picked up one of the papers I saw it was a military document. With that I went through the entire parking lot and picked up the papers that had blown all over.
I went upstairs and started looking through the papers to see if I could identify who they belonged to. It was a girl named Jill and there were addresses from military bases and one in Toledo. I looked in the phone book but she wasn’t listed so I went back through the stuff. There was a list of names for who to contact in case of emergency. One of those I found in the phone book so I called it. It was Jill’s dad and he told me her car had been stolen last night. I gave him my number and she called me shortly after.
They came over and when I went out to give her stuff back they were at the back side of the building and her car was there with a broken window. She was grateful for me caring enough to look her up. The police are here now.

As I wrote this I had one of those ears ringing light headed episodes. These always worry me as they some times precede a slow down. Didn’t seem to this time. I am running about an 8 on the Bob scale. (I try to use the “Bob scale” label because I can use it to search this journal and track this)
I have been thinking about Allen and what to write. I need to do this as he is going downhill fast. I don’t know but I am sure he is selling off his possessions to buy his drugs. If I can’t convince him to get help he is gone.
It is almost 12:00. I am feeling real tired. Probably should eat.

1:26 – I fixed a big breakfast for lunch. Three eggs, bacon, and grits with cheese. Barb called and asked if I would take her to cash her check so she could get cat food. I said I wasn’t inclined to do so. End of that subject. I am slowing down now. Not one of those sudden drops but a slow slide downhill. This sucks.
Bill Self from the Westside Church called to invite Cherie and I to the movie about the missionaries who got killed. I told him I wasn’t inclined but would talk to Cherie and see if she wanted to go. This Christian stuff bothers me now. How strange that what I once was so gung ho about now makes me uncomfortable. Too much death and greed in the name of a God of one type or another. Truth is hard to find but I search for it.
I think the headache is coming but will wait to make sure before I take the Zomig migraine pill. Only have two left. Went online and registered to refill my VA prescriptions online. It took me a while because am slow. I can’t believe it is already 2:08. It seems like I just got up an hour ago but that is part of the brain injury. I have no sense of time. It’s strange to be me.

When Cherie came home from work I had just woken up. I went to bed at 3:00 or so because of the slow down and headache. We went to the Y ass we planned. This was Cherie’s first time so I went through the machines with her to show her what I had learned. We worked out together and then went to Home Depot to look at stuff for the farm house. I went through a quick slow down so we left. I got snappy and a migraine came on fairly quick. We got fast food and Cherie drove me home. It’s 10:30 and I am still not doing well so good night.

When you wake up, learn you were in a coma and had died this is what you think about (click on it to make it big enough to read)

1/23/06 Monday
I woke up tired but am moving now. It is 9:45. It is beautiful out without a cloud in the sky. I just called Fred and left a message to see if he wanted to get out. If he doesn’t I will go to the gym. Cherie wasn’t up to it this morning because we stayed up so late so we will go to bed early tonight and get up at four or so to be there when they open at 5:30.
Fred just called back and wants me to take him to pick up Barb and take her to Trilby Church for her food handout. After that I will take Fred shopping. Right now I will rush to the Y and get a workout. Have to keep it up, make it a life routine. Time to go.
OK. I made it back from the Y. Figured out where the pool is, or at least I think I did. Saw a sign. I was able to figure out most of the machines but there were a couple that I didn’t know the name so didn’t know where to mark on the workout sheet. I increased all the weights, some times dramatically. Fred wants to get going so I showered real quick and will head out now.

That’s done. When we got there Barb asked if we could take Dawn. I let that question go to Fred and he said yes. Dixie came out to see if I was fat because Barb said that was why I went to the YMCA. It is good to see she is out of the hospital and getting out of her apartment. She didn’t go with us. We got the food and I took them back to Barbs. Fred went through his box and picked out a couple of items he wanted then we headed to the Pharm so he could do his shopping. As always I watched what he was peering at and would announce “This is all Mac and Cheese Fred. That’s Boyardee stuff” as we went. He handed me his coupons and we got a few items he had discounts on. Fred said he sure would like to drive this car once so I said anytime he wanted to let me know and we would find a big parking lot were there’s nothing to hit.
I am real tired now. The exercising this morning gave me a headache. Not a bad one, just the dull pain thing. I am yawning, it is 3:47. This having to take naps during my day I will never get used to but it is the way it is. One of the hopes I have for exercising is to increase my stamina and energy. We’ll see how that works.

We have both been thinking about the farm. What we can do with it, how to do it, tons of things. It has Cherie and me excited. After a lifetime Cherie will have a home and for me it is exciting also. I had a home and lost it, now I will have one with the woman I will spend the rest of my life with. Still tired. Suppose I should lay down.

1/22/06 Sunday
I woke up at four this morning so got up and started on a letter to “Good Morning America” about why I thought Emril should fix Cherie breakfast in bed for valentines day. Having a hard time processing this and Carman kitty is not helping as he meows and flops on top of my foot, purring and looking for pets. I have been up over an hour and think I will go back to bed.

Cherie and I laugh and enjoy each other so much. It has been two years since our remarriage and the magic is just deeper. I looked at her this morning as she laughed and told her that when she laughs my heart laughs with her. I was a little slow this morning with another headache. It wasn’t to bad at all. I have spent the last two hours writing a letter to the Today Show because they are having a breakfast in bed on Valentines day cooked by Emril Logasi (I’m just guessing how to spell that) Hey, the odds are better than the lottery. Here is what I wrote.

Why my wife deserves breakfast in bed from Emril.
We met in college and, as so many do, fell in love. We got married and set out to conquer the world. Life was hard but we had each other and could do anything because we were in love.
Then I fell out of a tree. I broke my neck, back, and suffered a severe concussion. Cherie watched me almost die and then nursed me back to health. The neck and back weren’t too bad and just required I wear a brace for a year but there was another injury the doctors didn’t recognize.
No one could account for the drastic personality change they saw in me. I was emotional and would fly off in anger with the slightest provocation. Cherie’s well meaning but misguided parents pressured her into filing for divorce. This was a horrible confusing time that tore both of our hearts out.
With the divorce finalized we went our separate ways. Cherie left Toledo to escape the memories and crushed dreams and I did the rebound marriage thing. The next twenty years ravaged us and made the scars deeper. We lost all contact with each other except Cherie would occasionally hear that I had become a successful businessman. She never forgot me despite years of trying and I kept the mementos of our time together with me.
Cherie had suffered through two abusive relationships and thought she would live out the rest of her life alone. She returned to Toledo to help her parents who had both incurred strokes.
Cherie saw an article in the paper with my picture about a new store I was opening. She drove by and played with the idea of stopping in but couldn’t. Three years later Cherie turned on the news. 13ABC was running a story on “Toledo’s John Doe”. She was shocked when she saw it was me.
In November 2001 I had an accident while driving to Texas. Flung from the car as it rolled I again broke my neck and was in a coma for a month. It took a year for me to make it back to Toledo from Oklahoma and when I did I didn’t recognize the streets. I ended up homeless and wandering, researching who I was and searching for memories.
Cherie was one of many who called in to say they knew me. She offered her help as I had difficulty figuring things out. For the first time in twenty years we met. She asked if I remembered her and I did. We just cried. We had never stopped loving each other and remarried June 20, 2004. Life has now become rich and full of laughter for us both but I come with a disability. Cherie took on much with me but handles the burden well. I do as many nice things for her as I can and breakfast by Emril would be too cool.
(This is only part of the story)

What ya think? I get teary when I write about this but it is a good teary. We are both constantly in awe as we try to grasp the wonder of being back together. We are blessed. Goodnight.

Just like yesterdays picture. Beauty in the midst of thorns. Cherie is as beautiful on the inside as she is outside. Of course I am a bit biased.

1/21/06 Saturday
We planned on going to the gym at nine this morning. Cherie did some running first and I got myself showered and shaved. Fed Ex called her while she was out to let her know she could pick up her package. We headed to the Y but it was packed so decided to go pick up her package. Fed Ex was hard to find and they didn’t have any signage out to help poor lost strangers like us find where to go. When we finally found the right door I was frustrated and let the guy know they need signs. Cherie got her package which was sewing machine stuff from Singer.
We decided to stop by K&J Meat and Kroger on the way home. I was doing well till we got into Kroger. It is not one of the ones I frequent so everything was new. As we began I felt that light headed confusion that often comes at grocery stores and unfamiliar places with lots going on. It is another partial seizure or what I call a slow down. This one dropped me to a 3 or 4 on the Bob scale. Cherie was concerned as she always is and I told her that coddling me at these times is the wrong thing to do. I really don’t know but it sounds good. Now the headache is coming so I took one of my migraine pills. Yesterday I for got to take my evening seizure pill.
It is 11:16 and I am still slow and tired like I always am with these slow downs. Been worrying about Allen and thinking about what to write.
Now it is 2:09. I got to the close the blinds and crawl into bed level of migraine. I am still pretty slow. It is probably unrelated but my right arm is sore. This is frustrating. It is a beautiful day out. Hate missing good days.
Overall this was a bad day as evidenced by the shortness of today’s entry. The headache never really went away and the brain was pretty cloudy. It is 11:21 now. Cherie and I enjoyed each other as we always do. It is good to have a woman who loves you even when you are not up to speed. As I have said before and will say many more times, I am blessed. Good night all.

No matter how thorny things get you can always find beauty. You just have to look for it. (click on it to see it up close)

1/20/06 Friday
Cherie got me up early and fixed breakfast for me. This is partly because I am scheduled to take Barb and one of her cats to the Vet to get fixed at 8:00. I got showered and shaved and moving….the phone rang. It was Barb “We’ll have to cancel going this morning. My cat went out last night and didn’t come back. She’s not here” She said with her ten year old’s voice inflection.
This is a disappointment but not a surprise. She got a check to pay for the procedure from her payee. This is her pattern. Cash comes in and the next day something comes up that prevents her from keeping an engagement. Then she is broke, the money disappears. I hope I am wrong but it is the pattern of behavior that is common with crack cocaine and other addictions.
Anyway, I’m all dressed up with no where to go so I called Fred. “Hey Fred, Barb can’t go to the vet. It’s going to be in the 50’s so it’s a good time to get out. You want to go anywhere?”. He didn’t know about Barb so she lied when she said she had already talked to Fred. “Fred, she said she would reschedule for next week but she’ll be broke by then” I told him. We talked about taking over some of the food he had bought for her. He said he would like to go over there and get the money to hold for her. If it is already gone that supports the money going down the drug drain.
It is 10:40 now and I will be leaving soon to take Fred to Barb’s.

I am back now. No surprises here. Fred had called Barb and said she was waiting. We get there and I carry the box of food up to her apartment. “Oh! A care package” Barb said as she took the box. Fred and I sat sown and I waited, pretty sure what would happen. As soon as Fred asked for the money so he could hold it till she went to the vet. “Don’t start that. I’ve got a headache and don’t want to hear it” Barb sharply retorted. Fred asked again a little more strongly. Barb said she already put the money away “I’m a big girl. I can handle my money. I have a headache and I want to go back to bed so you can leave now” she dismissed us.
In the car Fred was pissed saying he wouldn’t do anything else for her. “She spent that money. She didn’t even have a cat carrier. I don’t think she ever wanted to get her cat fixed” he said. I told him that this was just another way of getting money out of her payee. I didn’t tell him I thought the money went for drugs cause that would just upset him more.
Afterwards I asked Fred “Well we’re out so where do you want to go?”. He wanted to go to a Menards that he had heard advertised allot. He said it was off Reynolds in Maumee. We drove up and down that road but it wasn’t there so came home.
Allen called while I was driving so I told him I would call him back when I got home. He answered right away. I asked if he was ready for me to come over but he said he had to wait for someone to come back and would call then. I am pretty sure that he is getting more pain pills. It is hard to watch, even harder when it is a road you have gone down. I know how this works, how the addiction takes over everything in your life like a cancer spreading through your body, killing everything it touches. He just called so I’m heading over.


I get to Allen’s and call to let him know I am here as usual. When he came to the door he had his toilette seat in his hands and threw it in the garbage. He was moving fast and being obsessive as he dumped out water from the garbage can, being real particular, making sure he missed nothing. All the while he was bitching about “They stole another trash can”. I agreed and said that went with this side of town. Then I amended that saying “Actually this happens everywhere. You can go out to West Texas where the nearest house is a mile away and some one will still steal something”. Allen agreed with this homespun wisdom and I followed him in.
I know we had talked about going to a movie. It began Wednesday when I offered to pay his way to a movie. He wasn’t up for it that day because he was again waiting for someone so we scheduled it for today with Allen to call me when he woke up. So what do I hear? First it’s “What do you want to do? You want to relax or do you want to go straight to work?” I am a little confused so I asked him what times was the movie showing. “3:15 and 5:45” he answered “So we better get to work”.
I’m rolling with the punches and figure he just had a few simple things to catch before we left for the show. “We’ll have to hurry because you know I like to be home by five, that means we will have to catch the 3:15 show” I said as I followed him to the back room. He had allot of stuff planned so I went straight to work as I sorted all this out. It got to the point we had to leave to catch the movie so I pointed out the time to Allen. He said “I guess we won’t see the movie today” and then launched into his frustration that I don’t want to stay out past 5:00. He’s almost acting like a jealous woman, resentful that Cherie is such a priority.
This I could deal with because I set the rules and that’s that. Then, as we worked, Allen asks me if I still have some of his gift left. “Yeah…There’s a little left” I answered, wondering where this was heading. “Why don’t you sell it and give me $45.00”. This was a source of friction before when he had promised it and then changed his mind. We argued and I told him I did not want it and tried to leave it behind as I headed out. Now he became insistent and promised there would be no problems. Fine, I’ll keep him happy.
I am incredulous as he asks me to sell this gift. “Allen, are we repeating an old conversation?” I asked, referring to the last tiff. I had left then thinking it was a dead subject only to have him revive it. Now it is setting me off. I have tried my best to help him but I recognize this behavior. He had already told me that his good friend had brought some relief for his pain so he was doing alright. “I’ve been up since 6:00 this morning” he told me. Now he was scratching for $45.
I told Allen that I was done “I’m out a here”. He asked for a chance to explain so I sat down to give him this chance. Allen might as well have started off with “In The Beginning” because he launched into a narrative where he started with how much he has done for me. This was the same way he had talked to the doctors when I had taken him to the emergency room. They had instantly recognized he abused pain killers and told him so in a non confrontational way. Allen tells me of all his debts, how he is facing insurmountable problems so I should be helping. I know he’s high and tell him to get to the point. “I’m trying” he said and went back to his diatribe. “Allen I’m not going to stay here all night” I told him and tried to lead him back to the immediate issue.
OK. This is enough. Now I am going off as I am prone to do. “Allen I can’t trust you to do what you say. If I can’t trust you I don’t need you as a friend. I’m out of here and I am done with you. Your talking and thinking like a junkie. Don’t bother to call me”. I don’t have many friends and I don’t want many. I value trust above all things. The signs I put up all over my warehouse back in the day said “It only takes two things to gain my respect. Say what you mean and Do what you say”. This is a creed I live by. I don’t play games and one thing you can count on is this.
I will write something to Allen because talking doesn’t work well. He is clueless just how much his mind is off the main track and the way his mind sees things only resembles the truth. I will tell him that if he goes to Unison for mental health and gets enrolled for welfare so he can get medical help I will talk with him. He needs help and I can only do so much. Perhaps this will motivate him to get help. I don’t think he comprehends that he is a junkie addicted to opiates. He won’t face that despite his whole world getting sucked dry because of the drugs.
When I left I called Eileen and went over there to talk. Allen tried to call twice but I wouldn’t answer. Done with it. Eileen was glad to see me. She let me know she will miss me if I go to Texas. “Eileen, I’ll come back to visit. Can you fly? Hell I’ll just buy you a ticket to come down and see us” I told her. Nancy came over from next door to get some spaghetti noodles. She will be having back surgery Monday where they will take some bone from her hip and install it with two steel pins into her back. She had been pushed to the ground and robbed a couple of weeks ago. She was telling about problems her girl had in school with third graders kicking her desk over and breaking her crayons. She was crying and the teacher told her to pick up her desk and be quiet. I told Nancy to go straight to the principal about it. “He won’t do anything about it, he never does unless your black” she told me. This brought up the many events these children have seen that sure seemed like reverse discrimination. “She hates white people” was said regarding the teacher. Racism is not a white thing. Bitterness and hate are created on all sides and always brings blindness.
Eileen and I shared on many areas. She told me of how her daughter was changing, how she was worried about her daughter marrying Calvin. How she was afraid Calvin would be involved with things he shouldn’t and might be dragging the kids in with him. There is so much that is poison in this part of town, so much that will destroy these kids that I wished I could pluck the bunch of them up and take them to where life is cleaner. Wish I was God so I could help them all.
I took Cherie out to our nice cheap and good restaurant. It was fantastic as always. Cherie was tired and needed the break. We talked about Texas and when I suggested it might be good for me to buy a pickup in Texas and just fly down to work on the house she got sad. “I don’t want you to go without me” she said and then said she didn’t want to be up here alone. I tried to reassure her and said she needed to be strong because there were sacrifices to be made to achieve our dream. She will go on the first trip which is when I will inspect the house and determine what we needed to do.
We are home now and Cherie fell asleep over an hour ago. I am getting tired so think I will publish this and call it a night.

This is West Texas cottonjust before harvest. It is the primary crop grown all around the house we hope to call home. I'll have 70 acres to farm. Don't know anything about farming so I might lease it out or leave it in the government program where they pay to keep it natural.
(you can click on my pictures to enlarge them)
1/19/06 Thursday
I am tired this morning. I am always tired after slowdowns. This morning I am scheduled to meet the trainer at the Y who will help me figure out a workout schedule and how to use the machines. My cognizance level is about a 6 right now. A little slow but not bad. This always changes up and down throughout the day. Hopefully I will be sharper when I go to the Y. I hate looking stupid in public. One of the things I look to gain from exercise is to increase the sharpness of this brain. It helps others.
I am limping pretty badly right now. I think it is enhanced by the stress I have about going to the YMCA. Stress is the big problem and trigger slowing my downs.

10:40 - I just got back from the gym. The lady who showed me how to operate things was good and as she did she learned of my injuries. As always it had an impact. How many people do you know who broke their back once, their neck three times, and has multiple head injuries. All right, Evil Kenieval, the motorcycle stuntman, broke about every bone in his body. Any way I got a good work out and should remember most of what she said. The bike was cool cause it takes your heart rate as you pedal.
I started getting a headache as I worked. This one was different in that it was a sharper pain at the right temple. Now it has spread out and becoming a regular headache. I stopped by the VA clinic to renew my prescription for the migraine pills. I think I should take one now. Cherie said that some of my headaches are from not eating. When you don’t feel hunger and don’t remember to eat it is hard to keep up. Yesterday, like many days, I didn’t eat at all till Cherie came home from work at 5:00. I will go fix some eggs now.
I made three fried eggs with grits and sausage. While eating I noticed a flyer for the Multiple Sclerosis luncheon I take Wayne to. It was today and it’s too late to make it without flying. I called Wayne to let him know and as I talked could tell I am slow. Probably down to a five. I was going to call Allen to get him out of the basement he lives in. Think I will wait and see if I sharpen up. Pretty tired now so will lay down.

I turned on the TV and watched news. Never took the migraine pill. My ears are ringing bad and the sound I hear from the TV distorts. Not good, kind of like a hearing hallucination. This has happened before. I used to think that one of the speakers on the TV was cutting out.

4:14 – I laid down for a while. I can tell I exercised this morning. Between that and washing the dishes my back is killing me right now. My arms are weak and particular muscles are pretty sore.

It’s 7:40. I am tired and unmotivated. Allen called and I was short with him. Not in the mood to drop everything so he could ask question like “What time do you have to pick up Barb?”, especially when I had just told him I would pick her up in the morning. Still have the headache.

Check out the end of this entry

1/18/06 Wednesday
I woke up at 4:40 this morning wide awake and alert. I debated turning on the news to see about the ice and snow but knowing Cherie gets up at 5:30 decided to let her sleep. I woke up again at 6:30 and Cherie was rushing around late. She had turned off the alarm, planning on getting up in a few minutes but she fell back asleep. Being in a hurry when the roads are icy is not good so I told her to slow down.
I will make it to the YMCA today come hell or high water. Cherie said that the smell of pot was exceptionally strong in the hallway this morning. For people to be partying at seven in the morning is not good. It will be nice to have a house and be out of the apartment scene.
10:22- I am up and showered. The cognizance level is at an 8 this morning. I went online to begin studying wind power to see it’s efficacy for the farm. There are many things I need to study on in order to do as many things right regarding the farm. There are problems with the well which is on the far side of the original ninety acres. There is plumbing that is deteriorated and who knows what else. One of the first things I need to do is crawl under the house and into the attic to inspect the house. I will look for structural problems because this house has been added onto at least three times. We will need to insulate and seal up the house and do some reconfiguring of the house to expand the bathroom and the bedroom. Lots of stuff to do and learn.

I turned on Dr. Phil and it is about how families fight over inheritances. How coincidental. It really illustrates the greed and selfishness that comes out when money and property are on the table. Usually I love to be right but not now. So far Larry has behaved exactly as I told Cherie and Virginia he might. I hope this will end with Larry and I getting along.
It was fascinating to watch how a mother, who had taken her nineteen year old son’s inheritance “For his protection”, rationalize her behavior and seem unaware of how obvious her greed was. So many of us lie to ourselves and pull the wool over our own eyes so we think we are doing good when the opposite is true.

I made it to the Y. I was supposed to drop some paperwork off at Express personnel but didn’t remember till I was halfway to the Y. I turned around and got that done. When I called Fred to let him know I was taking the car to go work out he asked me how I was going to take Barb in to get her cat fixed at 8:00 and still meet Jeff. Glad he reminded me. I called Jeff and rescheduled. I need to make sure I put it in the calendar.
When I got to the Y I walked in not at all sure what I was supposed to do. One of the reasons I had put it off was that I don’t do well in unfamiliar situations. I saw a sign that said “Member check in” so went to that window. Fumbling around in my wallet I found the handwritten membership card and handed it to the girl. “When do I get my regular card?” I asked. She looked and looked then asked if I had my picture taken. “I really don’t know” I told her so she asked if I wanted to take it now. “Sure” I said so she directed me to the camera. It was malfunctioning, everything was green so I will have to do it later.
She buzzed me in and I walked through the doors with the green Paramount bag Cherie had given me to hold the gym clothes. When we joined up they gave us a complete tour of the facilities. That didn’t matter. Now everything was strange and new. I started walking around with my green bag trying to figure out where the locker room was. I didn’t find it but at least was able to see where the fitness room with the machines and weights were. I never found the Olympic size swimming pool so will look for it next time.
After making a complete circuit and not finding the locker room I headed back to the front desk. The locker rooms were right there. Because they had your standard bathroom type silhouette signs up I thought they were bathrooms. Nope, it’s the locker room. I went in hoping to find it empty but that’s not reasonable. I chose a row of lockers that had only one guy changing and began to get ready. I don’t know how to act because I haven’t been to a gym since I woke up. I have had to relearn what is appropriate in every social situation and still have to learn when I run into a new one. I watch how others behave as I always do. It’s little stuff like do you get undressed in front of the locker or take your stuff towards the shower. I am sure this is comical to some of you readers but think of it like this. Imagine you are six years old and placed in unfamiliar surroundings with everyone a stranger and nobody there to tell you what to do. When I woke from the coma with much of my memory gone the whole world was new to me. I didn’t know how to act and thus acted inappropriately many times. You all have a lifetime of experience to draw on but I only had a jumbled bag of fragments.
I got into the workout shorts and shirt Cherie had gotten for me and went back out to find the fitness room again. I am going through the same feeling I get when I am in a grocery store and have much information for this brain to process. Kinda overwhelmed but not. I go slowly to make sure I don’t do something stupid. In the fitness room there are maybe fifteen people, most of them on the running and stair step machines. I walked to the last one which was empty with nobody exercising near by and studied it. There were all kinds of buttons and programs on it and after staring at it a while I decided not to get on. I was afraid I would do something stupid and go flying off the thing, embarrassing myself in front of all there.
I carried the small notebook and pen I had brought to record what I did for later reference and went to the weight machines. Most of these had clear directions with pictures on how to operate them. I investigated the machines one at a time and decided to start on the one that was the most remote. I carefully wrote what machine it was and where I set the weight at. Then I sat on it and started working out hoping I was doing it right. Finishing up I went to the next machine. A guy got on the one I had just left and started his workout. It figures. I had sat on it backwards. Oh well.
After that I stuck with the machines that were easy to figure out and watched how others used theirs to learn. I only worked out for half an hour and kept everything lightweight. After laying in bed with a coma and then being fairly sedentary for the last four years I don’t want to tear anything.
I went back to the locker room which was now full of guys who had finished a basketball game and got out of the sweats. I hadn’t worked up a sweat at all and wasn’t comfortable so I decided to shower at home. When I left I asked at the desk if they had someone that would show one how to use the machines. They set up an appointment for tomorrow at 9:00. It will be allot easier with someone there. Once I get used to things and learn to relax I will be fine. It’s always like this for me. Whenever I am in a new situation it is like I am the new kid at school on his first day. It’s the I don’t know where my classes are and I don’t know anyone here feeling.
Getting out of there I called Allen from the car. He answered quickly which told me he was at least out of bed. I can here that he is not doing well in his voice. Asking him how he is doing Allen says “Not good”. He wasn’t in the mood for me to come over so I went home. At the house I called him back and asked if he would like to go out and see a movie. “I don’t have any money” was his response. “That’s OK Allen, I’ll buy. You need to get your butt out of the house and get your mind on something other than your troubles”. He said he appreciated that but was waiting on a phone call from someone else that owed him money. “I need the money bad so I can’t miss this call” Allen told me. I know the pain meds he buys are eating him up but he is not doing the things I told him to get medical help for his back pain. I guess I will have to lead him by the hand.

Now I am home and tired. The exercising has aggravated my back pain. I will have to watch that. I feel a headache coming. Think I will just take aspirin to see if I can fix it cheap.
Aspirin didn’t work so I took a Tramadol. The phone rang in the kitchen so I went to answer it. It was a collection agency looking for someone else. Getting up helped me notice I had slowed down. Running about a 5 now. I was looking at websites for rain water collection and storage. Before that I looked at wind power stuff. When I do that I can’t tell how slow I am and time just goes by but when I have to interact with someone or something requiring me to process information I become aware of how slow the brain works. Writing is a good marker for how fast this brain is working.

5:46 – The headache has grown to migraine level. Took a Zomig for it. Not doing well. Down to a 3 on the Bob scale.
It is an hour later, 6:38 and I am down to a 2. This is stuttering level where I stutter when I try to talk. The headache is bad and my ears are ringing. I have an equilibrium thing where I need to be touching something so I can tell if I am falling and correct it. Putting these sentences together is tough.

8:41 – I am doing much better. To help those reading who are not familiar with my disability (Traumatic Brain Injury) these slow downs are partial seizures. These are not like the epileptic seizures most think of when they hear the word. They are pretty much what I call them, slow downs. Often triggered by stress, though not always, it can be compared to what an old computer goes through when it is given more to do than it can handle. With portions of my brain dead it had to rewire itself to function, reducing it’s speed and ability to handle multiple tasks.

I will call it a day now. Cherie and I are so in love and grateful to be back together every moment is good and treasured. I wish I could convey what it is like. There was a time I would have considered all this to be sickeningly sweet and I had lots of company. Now I understand that this was my jealousy and skepticism labeling what I didn’t have to make me feel better. Now I am there and love every minute. I am in wonder every day. I have told Cherie many times “Why me? Who am I to be blessed like this? I lived badly much of my life, I rejected God. I should have been struck by lightening but look at me now. I was dead yet now I live” Every day I wake up is a gift and I return that gift to whomever I can.

This is the car I was ejected from as it rolled end over end at 80 MPH. I was declared dead at the scene but brought back in the emergency room. I broke my neck and rattled the brain a little. I was only in a coma for a month, thats not to long compared to some.



Here is the beautiful woman I married in 1979. We were divorced in 1985 when I had a drastic personality change after I fell from a tree, breaking my neck and back and sustaining a concussion. Unfortunately doctors were not up on brain injury so didn't recognize the symptoms I displayed. 25 years later we see each other for the first time since the divorce when I am featured on TV as Toledo's John Doe. This was because I was wandering around with the severe memory loss incurred by the brain injury. We remarried June 20, 2003. Brain damage tore us apart and brain damage brought us together. I am blessed

This is our first wedding some twenty seven years ago. I was a bit skinnier then.

1/17/06 Tuesday
It is already 11:00 and we are off. I got up and showered early and fixed breakfast because I want to get some things done. I put the DVD, The Incredibles on to finish viewing because today is the due date at the library. Ahmed called and said “Open the door Bob”. I thought he was needing the security door buzzed so I rushed to do that. As I was buzzing he knocked on the door. I was naked so told him through the door I needed to get dressed. He gave me a plate with another one of the Lebanese deserts he has been getting for us. He was on his way out and talked to me about not being able to sleep for days on end. This is not good for a truck driver. I told him to be careful after asking if he liked apples. I asked because I have been meaning to cook apple dumplings for him in return for his generosity.
After wrestling with my mind all day yesterday I decided to E mail Virginia and check on things, especially what Larry was spewing out. I hated to bother her knowing she has been sick but had to find peace in this. After that I called Fred to make sure he was alright. Barb had called yesterday saying he hadn’t returned her call and was worried. When I called Fred didn’t answer so I called Barb to see if she had heard from him. She didn’t answer so I was planning on going down to Fred’s apartment. Just before I walked out Fred called on the house phone. As I talked to him Barb called on the cell. Everything is OK.
Right when I went to the bathroom the cell rang again so I scurried to get out. As soon as I got to the phone it quit ringing but I could tell it was from Texas by the caller ID. The house phone rang so I picked it up hoping it was Virginia responding to the E mail. It was and I am very glad she called despite feeling like an idiot after talking with her. Larry is lying again. He has not talked to Virginia at all though he did try to call her yesterday after talking with me. Being sick and it being late she decided not to answer.
My suspicion that Larry was just trying to manipulate me with the threat that if I didn’t agree with him the farm would sold by Virginia is now founded. That is not an option and according to Virginia she couldn’t do that if she wanted. Another lie Larry! Keep it up you might hit a record. Larry said he had heard this straight from the lawyer who wrote the will for Lee. The will has been filed with the courthouse. I encouraged Virginia to get things moving so we can be done with it. She said that James McGilvray (The lawyer) said there was no rush because he wanted to review everything in the estate first. I told Virginia that was good and that I was going to have an accountant go through it also. “Try to get him motivated Virginia” I told her.
I asked Virginia if she was getting anything for all the work she is doing and she said no. She is doing so much I can’t not reward her. Let’s see. She is paying all the bills, she got Lee moved into the facility she found, and she is the executor of the estate putting herself in between my brother and I, and tons of other things at great personal sacrifice. I told her that when this is all done I would talk to Larry about doing something for her. I really don’t expect Larry to be favorable to that but he may surprise me with an unselfish act. Virginia objected to this saying she never was in it for the money. I already have that impression and told her that is why she will be rewarded. “No Robbie, I don’t want anything” she protested again. I finally said “Virginia, that’s it for this subject. Let’s move on”. She will say no till she is blue in the face but like I told her “I will do what I think is right. That’s the way it is”. I will live a life I am proud of.
I always hope for Larry to improve. Like all of us he is a blend of good and bad. He did help me when I was recovering from the coma but the bad side caught up with him and his help became shaky. Then his selfish greed took over when mom died and he stole from me. Virginia said she didn’t understand all of that. In her world you took care of family. I explained that Larry’s behavior is typical for a long term alcoholic. Larry’s life is a constant up and down. He gets a job and things are fine but then he loses it and it’s back to scratching. I am sure he always has a reason why this is and that his drinking never enters the picture, at least in his mind. His personality goes from the nice and very personable to a grouchy asshole quickly. Another sign of the mental instability cause by the long term brain damage from alcohol.
Anyway I apologized to Virginia about a dozen times for allowing Larry to get me geeked up and for allowing my imagination to go. I know she reads this journal on my blog so she saw the ranting and ravings I wrote yesterday. Honesty comes with a price and when I started publishing this journal it opened a window to my soul. No front here, you get to see me be stupid as well as an occasional smart moment. I am what I am and strive to be a person I can be proud of.
Fred called earlier and asked if I had any plans. “No, I don’t Fred. Would you like to get out?” He said he would like to do some shopping and he is ready now. “Fred, give me time to put on a warm shirt and shoes and we’ll go” I told him. I took Fred to Tom’s so he could cash a check and then he wanted to go to the Kroger on Detroit and Glenburn. That was a new one for him and I had to direct him which door to go in.
He handed me his list and the envelope of coupons he always has. It was one of those days where I had to speak loudly in order for Fred to hear. “What’s that over there?” Fred asked. “That’s all the fresh veggies and fruit is” I announced. We went and caught the back section where all the meat is and I would give a running account as Fred pushed the shopping cart he clung to for support. “That’s hamburger, Now we are coming up the beef roasts Fred. That’s $2.89 a pound. Yeah it looks good, not a lot of fat. How much? That one is eight dollars.” I said. “That’s too much. Put it back” Fred replied. This is how we went through the whole store. It’s how we always do it as I see for Fred. It is always interesting to watch the reactions of other shoppers as I spoke to Fred in a voice loud enough to be heard a couple of isles over.
From there Fred wanted to go to Aldi’s because they had a special on chicken wings on the paper. When we found them he was pissed because they weren’t already cooked. Fred can’t see good enough to cook. Leaving Aldi’s we went to the dollar store where Fred bought a few basic things like vegetable oil. He turned to me and said “I don’t know why I get things for Barb. She doesn’t appreciate it. What do you think?”. “Fred it never hurts to help. She is grateful for all you do but even if she wasn’t you can still be proud of yourself.” A passing woman agreed with this and commented.
With all that done I took Fred home after stopping by the library to return the movies Cherie had checked out. I was tired by then but washed the dishes that had piled up. I called Allen to see how he was doing. He was still depressed but didn’t sound to bad. Because it was late I decided not to go over.
Right now I am tired so that is all I will write. Good night

This is my late grandmother, Minnie Lee, who's house and possesions have been pillaged by some of her own kin. My kin also.


1/16/06 Monday
I am tired. Cherie has left for work a little frustrated because it has become a contest for parking with many already in and working by a quarter till.
I went back to bed and am watching Dr Phil. I am not doing bad cognizance wise, running at a seven. I will try to call Minnie Lee’s lawyer in an attempt to get up to date regarding probate. Being this far away without understanding what is going on is maddening.
It is another beautiful day like yesterday and the day before. I didn’t get out at all because I wasn’t doing well. Two days of migraines and slow downs was tough. I fixed breakfast this morning and will get myself moving. It would be a good day to go to
the Y.
I called the lawyer, James McGilvray, in Texas and talked with the woman who answered the phone. I explained that we hadn’t heard from Virginia or my brother and wondered what was going on. We talked a little and she reassured me that things were going ok though Virginia had canceled the probate hearing and it didn’t seem to be rescheduled. I told her that Virginia had an infection that required a trip to the emergency room and that I feared it may have returned because she has not responded to our calls and E mail.
I called Virginia at her work and she answered the phone. She said that she was still fighting the infection and was going in for another dose of antibiotics today. She told me that she had sent a couple of E mails, including a reply to one of mine. I haven’t received any and told her so. Then I asked her to send me an E mail right away in case something was wrong on her end. This is strange because, from my experience, E mails don’t get lost. If they aren’t delivered I always get a notification regarding that and I am sure she does also. Actually we have Yahoo and that may be a service from them. Neither of Virginia’s E mail address is a mainstream server so it could well be the mail was lost. Beats me. I just listen and think about what I hear.

I just got off the phone with Larry. It will take me a while to digest all of this. He starts with “Hey…I’m sorry I didn’t get back with you earlier, I was busy”. “How ya doing” I asked. “Oh, I’m laid off again, I’m not working. This is the third time with these guys” he answered. Larry now blurted out with a statement “Either we come to an agreement or Virginia will sell off the land and split the money.”. I don’t think that’s the way it is and told Larry so. He repeated this several times, trying to convince me, and got a little upset when I told him I would check with a different attorney from the one handling this. “You can do what you want but I’m telling you that’s the way it is.”
Then Larry started with “I’ll tell you what I’ll do” and listed how he had decided things will go. “If you and Cherie want to live in that house I think that’s great and will let you, I’m all for that”. I let him go on for a while as he disgorged his rehearsed litany and then stopped him. “Larry it sure sounds like your being gracious. But who are you? It sounds like you are telling me this is how it’s going to be. That’s not how it works.”. He breezed over that and started talking about selling the land. “Larry, I not selling the land” I let him know. He probably doesn’t realize, or I am sure doesn’t care that I had promised Lee I would not break up the farm. For him a promise is something you say to get your way, not something you keep.
Now Larry tells me he had an appraisal made “The lands worth $30,000 and the house isn’t worth much, only $10,000. I already have a buyer for the land”. Evidently in his graciousness he planned on selling all the farm but leaving me and Cherie the house. You know, the one that’s not worth much.
The will hasn’t even gone through probate yet and he is pushing ahead with his agenda. He kept telling me that if we don’t come to an agreement Virginia can do what she wants with the estate. “I’ve been talking to Virginia” he told me as if it would convince me. I find that curious. Something else to ponder. Larry pressed me for an agreement “We have to be in agreement. Do we have a deal?” “Larry, this all sounds good but I’m going to wait for probate and then we will sit together, negotiate, and record our agreement all nice and legal” I told him. “Oh! Yes, I want to do everything right and legal” he said. With sarcasm he did not miss I said “Really! You want to do things nice and legal! That’s good to hear”. (This was in reference to how he had cleaned out my mothers estate and forged her name on the truck titles and did not tell me she died till four months later) Larry said goodbye on that note.

It’s 3:56. I just got back from taking Wayne to get food perhaps a half hour ago. I have been going over this call from Larry ever since I got it. Cherie returned the call I made while on the way to get Wayne, leaving a message I had talked with Larry. She called while we were in Kroger. I started to tell her about the phone conversation but it became a struggle to put it together. Looking around the busy store and Wayne talking to an old friend I realized why it was suddenly hard. Too much activity going on for me to process it all. I told Cherie I was in the store so would have to not talk. She knew instantly why. I love that. She is a good wife. I am a lucky man.

Still chewing on this whole situation. I had written earlier, last week or so, that I didn’t trust anyone. It bothered me when I wrote it. But it has me thinking. What is trust? Do we really trust? I do trust but it is not a black and white thing. I extend trust, just kind of lay it out on the table a little at a time. Then I watch to see what is done with it. Fact is I just watch everyone and see if what they say matches what they do.
There are only two that I trust in the true sense of the word. They are Eileen, my former secretary, and Cherie. There are many others that I trust to certain degrees but always with reservation. Just because I trust doesn’t mean I won’t verify what I am told or what is presented. One of my favorite songs, favorite because of it’s message, is “Smiling Faces”. Here’s the opening lyric. “Smiling faces, sometimes pretend to be your friend”. Then it goes on to warn of the deceptions of the world.
So trust is a rare commodity that must be earned with me now. My own mother lied and stole from me, from her mom Minnie Lee, and I am sure many others. My brother also betrayed trust. Minnie Lee’s farm house has been repeatedly ransacked and stripped of everything of value, all the while locked up with only relatives having the keys. So who can I trust?? The list would fill volumes if I put down every time my trust was violated. Either I was just a fool all those times or there just aren’t many who can be trusted. Nah! It’s a little of both. The fact is most prey on the weak. How’s that? Think about it. The true test of character comes when circumstances place an opportunity to benefit without getting caught in front of you. It’s the classic question. Would you turn in a bag full of money that you found abandoned? Would you take just a little out?
So what is different from finding the bag of money and taking just a little of it, and leading someone to believe your looking out for them while pocketing what you can. It’s when you think you can get away with something that you are tempted. For most a fear of the consequences is enough to check their behavior but if the consequences are negligible they will take greater chances. Thus I learned that by making the consequences as severe as possible I reduce the likely hood of being hoodwinked. Then some dumb ass who doesn’t have a clue who I am comes along. It is like an endless cycle. I’m tired of it.

It is 7:30. Cherie fixed a fantastic chicken enchilada dinner and I whipped up some guacamole. When we got done I felt a headache coming. This is a fast one and comes with a slowdown. I was fairly sharp all day long. If I am going to have a slow down I would rather it happen late. I missed two days because of this. Why can’t I just have them in my sleep?
This headache went away fairly quickly with the Zomig melt in your mouth medicine. We are still concerned about Texas and what Larry said. I think I will need to find a Texas lawyer to look into things a bit deeper.

This is another picture of what used to be the grape arbor Rudy built at the farm in Texas.


1/15/06 Sunday
I suppose I am fighting off something. Woke up tired, not sleepy but physically worn out. This may have something to do with the dreams I had. They were violent and mean. There is something I buried long ago, something dark and sinister that I tucked away deep inside my soul. I fear it’s awakening. I won’t wake it but others are stirring it up and it is they who should be afraid. There are times it stirs and cries out in my mind. It takes me back. Back to the days of guns and violence when I took care of business, when you dealt with a problem so it doesn’t come back to haunt you. It was during this period of my life this dark side was created. It almost got out during the madness just prior to my accident four years ago. That is one of the reasons I am grateful for the accident. It stopped this part of me, helped me bury it again using reason as my defense.
It is 1:05. I finally got out of bed. I wanted to go out visiting but am not going anywhere right now. Running at about a four. There is a movie on that I never saw. It is called “Your So Pretty”. It has John Travolta and another actor who is famous but I don’t know his name. I have a headache. Started at 12:00 or so. Maybe I’m at a three cause this is hard. You know, putting sentences together and spelling the words. Think I will go back and lay down. Two hard days in a row.

2:45 – Cherie just came back from the storage unit. She is worrying like I, concerned by the lack of contact from Texas. My brother hasn’t returned my calls and neither has Virginia. Cherie is also bothered by what I wrote earlier in this entry. I am trying to reassure her I am in full control of myself and will not go off. We all wander into strange areas in our thoughts. That doesn’t mean we will act on them. Just means we have an imagination. Where do you think all the whacked out stuff Steven King writes comes from? I’m still slow but not nearly as bad as at 1:05. I am up to a five on the Bob scale.

It’s 11:00 now. I should be tired but am not.

Here's the cowboy hat I picked up.


1/13/06 Friday
I got out to meet Jeff at the Waffle House for breakfast. We have skipped a few weeks of this weekly tradition due to Christmas and going to Texas. It is always good to sit down and talk with someone you can trust. I did most of the talking and filled him in on what has been happening. I told him Cherie and I are seriously considering moving to Texas. We discussed many of the things Cherie and I will face if we went and the pros and cons of the whole thing.
When we got done neither of us had cash. I had spent mine on that cowboy hat and he just didn’t grab any. Then the ATM at the Waffle House decided not to work. For Jeff it turned into an embarrassment as I suppose it would be to most but for me it was just another thing. After all I have seen and done in life it takes an awful lot to embarrass me. They know us there so I said “I’m going to run to the bank and get your money, OK?”. No problem.
I went and picked up Cherie’s check and called Fred to see if he still wanted to go with me when we had the oil changed at Firestone. He said yes but wouldn’t be ready till 10:00. I like taking this laptop when I go because I know there will be a wait but I am debating that now. If Fred will be there it would be rude not to talk. I think I will take it but leave it in the car. No, I’ll leave it here at home. (Geeze, Now you readers get a glimpse of my vacillation. Understand though that I write in order to reason things out. This helps me think)

1/14/06 Saturday
I woke up with a migraine. I got up to go to the kitchen but the light was too bright, it hurts when the migraines are this bad. I took the full gamut of pills to fight it. Going back to bed I turned on the TV. Despite having the volume turned real low it was too loud so the TV gets eliminated. I pulled the covers over my head to reduce the light to next to nothing.
It is 10:39 now. I had woken at 7:45 and the meds reduced the migraine some but it’s still there. I can watch TV but it still grates on me a little. Found a quite cooking program on PBS. The regular stations play commercial at an increased volume and I don’t deal with that well. I am slow now. Running at a 5 or so. Typing this is work.
Bruce sent me an E mail. I always love to hear from him. He never says much about how Iraq is, just generalities like it’s sandy. He enjoys the funny pictures I send him from the Engrish website. If any of you readers want to see some funny stuff go to Engrish.com. It is mostly photos of signs found over seas that are poor attempts at translating native languages into English for the tourists.
I also got a comment on my blog. Don’t get many of those at all and wonder if anyone reads this other than the few family and friends. I am sure our lives are not exactly exciting reading so don’t expect much but daydream I would be “Discovered” and become internationally famous. Hey, this is a harmless delusion. At least it is better than thinking I will win a million dollar lottery because it didn’t cost me a buck.

It’s 1:00 now. I am slower than before. The brain is operating at about a 3 or 4 on the Bob scale. Almost at the point where I stutter and talking is hard. We tried to call Virginia on her home and cell phone with out reaching her. This has us worried. I E mailed the Pinkertons with the hope they can shed some light on what is happening. There is a kind of paranoia that comes when you are out of touch. I know these are usually without foundation so always try to keep my thoughts under control.

Seeing that Adam was online because the Yahoo messenger face had a smile I took the chance of calling. He answered to my great relief. We talked a little. The conversation was stilted with me doing most of the talking. He would answer questions I would ask to get him to talk. He is busy working two jobs and has little time to spare. I told him I didn’t care if the only time he was free was one in the morning I would be happy to go meet him. For those of you not familiar with my life, Adam is the youngest of the two boys I raised. Bruce is the oldest. Because of my journey into madness four years ago and the problems since I woke from the coma we pretty much have lost contact. There is much pain I have caused. I try to repair what I can but it is hard.

Barb called and would like me to take her to the grocery store. I will do so but told her it would be a couple of hours because of the migraine. That and I don’t like going out when slow. With Barb it is not a big deal because her brain damage is worse than mine or at least different. I just don’t deal with people well when like this and get confused easy. I’ll be OK. Will call Fred and let him know.

I called Barb just before I left to make sure she would be ready. When I picked her up she was happy and talking about things on sale nonstop. “We going to Kroger?” I interrupted to make sure I was driving to the right place and she said “Yeeaah” so off we went.
As I watched Barb shopping I began to see beyond just the food she was buying. She was exuberant as she saw the free samples at the deli and was steadily eating them. Others who wanted a sample just kind of went away. “Look Bob. They have Humus and it’s good. Their out of ham now” she told me with a loaded chip in each hand. “OK Barb, we need to get going” I let her know.
We walked down the isles as Barb showed me the list she was proud of making. “Look Bob, I made a list. It’s just a short one but look I got the prices written down. Do you think I can get all this for sixty bucks??” she told me again. “That’s real good. We can get out of here quicker this way. Good thinking Barb”.
She would get things and look at them then at me and say “I can make (something) and sandwiches. This is a good deal.”. I watched her and realized she was enjoying playing house. I had classified Basil as just a user taking advantage of Barb for food and shelter. A place to drink and sleep. That is true but there is a bigger picture that I am seeing now.
Barb’s life is one of many sad endings. Lost home, lost love, and the biggest hole of all, her lost children. Everything women look forward to and dream about she had and lost. How did all this happened? Some will say “She deserves where she’s at. It’s her fault” but they don’t know, just as I don’t know what happened in her life to place her in this place. I know some things but it doesn’t matter. I watched Barb, who is emotionally ten from her brain injury, get excited as she planned a life for the next few days. She bought Basil Vodka and was going to get beer for him later. You know folks, it doesn’t matter if you’re an alcoholic, a drug addict, or somebody with brain damage, you need love. It is good not to be alone.
I took Barb home and honked the horn for Basil to come and help carry groceries. They did their “You better be good cause I’m going to beat you up” things which I now understand are terms of endearment. Despite the problems there is feeling there. I went in and visited with Basil and he talked about his job, how the mud was hampering things and how big this mansion was he was working on. He doesn’t seem as bad as I thought but that always changes.

It’s 10:00 now. This has been a rough day. One of those rare days I am slow all the time with a few bright spots. The migraines drained me and I am tired. Good night