Tuesday, January 10, 2006

1/10/06 Tuesday
12:23 – I just got back from taking Fred and myself to the barber shop. It has
Been so long since I had a regular haircut instead of the quicky student cut I got at Bo-
Rics I didn’t know how to act. He would ask questions to draw me out and get me
talking. That produced a dilemma of sorts for me as much of my life I need to not talk about, at least not to just anyone.
This is one of the things I have had to learn since waking up from the coma. For a long while I would just babble about everything in my life without understanding how it would affect people. I was proud about being completely honest and had vowed not to have any secrets. I still will live as honestly as possible but if I started talking about drug addiction, prison, being homeless, and all the other parts of my past it would freak folks out. I suspect this may be a part of Cedar Creek telling us to go find another church and the other rejections that have hurt so much.
Any way the hair cut is great. I took Fred to the Dollar Tree after our haircuts. He was struggling as we went down the isles and had a hard time thinking of what he needed. He noticed there are scratches on his back bumper with his blind eyes. They weren’t there when I washed the car two days ago and I didn’t back into anything I know of. In fact I didn’t leave the apartment yesterday.
My back pain is getting bad as I sit at this computer. I think I must lay down to relieve it.

That helps. I got up to get this laptop so I could write but noticed I had poured dishwater and forgot it again. I washed almost all of them but not quite. Still hurting so I went back to bed. I turned to the Detroit station that we can sometimes pick up. It plays a lot of old shows like the Lucy Show and old movies also. I watched the Lucy Show and others because I find them refreshing compared to what’s on TV nowadays. Isn’t that ironic. I now like what my father likes. I am like him in many ways but some of his ways I choose not to emulate.
The movie Heidi is on. I am sure I saw it at some point in my youth but do not even know the story line now. It’s kinda like when I saw the Wizard of Oz. I had seen that many times in my life but not since I woke up. Parts of it were familiar but I was surprised when they started singing. I recognized the songs but did not connect them to the movie. This is all part of how confusing my memory loss is. Just little bits and pieces left. Nothing about Heidi is familiar at all but I sure relate to her not being wanted by family and shunted about. But she finds a place where she is loved. I did also.
It was a pretty good movie. I like how the paralyzed girl got up and walked. One of the things that drives me nuts is when I find tears running down my face with the emotional sections. I understand that this lack of emotional control and the increased sensitivity is due to the brain injury but still feel like,,, I don’t know. I was always tough and in this society, or at least parts of it, guys don’t cry.

I sent an E-mail to Virginia to see if she was doing better from the infection she had. I always wonder about things down there. Part of my problem is I find it hard to trust anyone. This is a result of a lifetime of seeing family and friends take advantage of me and others. My own mother came from Chicago to see me in prison and had me sign over the customized van I owned so I would have it when I got out. When I got out she had sold it and kept the money. My brother wasn’t much better.

Barb called. She got screwed over on her check again. I will take her to Social Security tomorrow and raise hell. I hope to have them audit the whole program at St. Paul. Enough of these people who take advantage of the poor and mentally deficient to line their pockets. Nothing new. It’s even talked about in the Bible, not just a little bit but allot. Man will always prey on the weak. It is part of the primal animal that is at the core of our brain.

It is 11:00 PM now. I just got finished writing the response to the VA regarding my disability pension. It was hard to be nice and I only said idiot once. I also let them know I will be sending a copy to Congress Woman Marcy Kaptur who has helped me during this strange and hard journey since I woke up. I did this because I can’t trust these bureaucrats to be astute doing their job. I will send the packet containing all the certified documents proving I am not incarcerated by registered mail so they won’t be able to say it didn’t arrive.

Earlier today, at around 4:00, I had one of those strange things that happen with this shook up brain. You know how I have slow downs? I also have times where my brain sort of wakes up. It is a strange sensation that is almost like when I used to take drugs. I just keep getting brighter and sharper and also have more energy. I was tired all day and running about a 6 or 7 on the Bob scale but then I went up to a 9 in just a few minutes. It is strange to be me. I never know how I will be or when it will change. My back pain has been much more evident for the last few days. Odds are it will steadily get worse as I age. Not looking forward to it. I should try to sleep now. Need to get my clock turned around cause I am wide awake now and tired during the day. Good night.

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