Thursday, January 05, 2006

1/5/06 Thursday
It is 3:51 in the morning. I have not slept all night. Went to bed shortly after finishing yesterdays journal entry but couldn’t sleep with the headache. Cherie fell asleep in her “spot” as she calls it. That is lying with her head on my shoulder and my arm going under it to wrap around her where I can gently stroke her cheek. I always love this and enjoy the closeness as I hold her. I am careful not to disturb her and listen to her breathing (and an occasional light snore) to detect when she may be coming conscious. She often crashes like this at this time of night and always has things she needs to do and wakes up saying she shouldn’t have gone to sleep.
This time when she stirred I asked her if she needed to do anything and she sleepily mumbled that she did. I tried to get her up but she would just lie there with her eyes closed and say “I’m awake”. After fifteen minutes of this I told her to get up and take care of her stuff because then she could go back to sleep without worrying. I watched the news as she did so and when she came back to bed and we turned off the TV so we could sleep.
I had another coughing spell with the migraine coming back to full force. I had to get up and focus on writing and went blogging because just laying in bed made the migraine the only thing I was aware of. I did that till 1:25 and went back to bed. Couldn’t turn the brain off as I would think of the farm, picturing what I would do if we moved there. How I would plant evergreen trees around the perimeter to block the blowing sand, how I would set up the garden, and a thousand other things. Then I would dwell on the items still at my old warehouse, the remnants of the days when I was a successful business owner that I can’t get to because of River East’s attitude. Finally I gave up trying to sleep and got up. I made a pot of coffee and ran the anti virus programs, which caught 20 more infections I picked up blogging. As soon as we recover from the drain on our finances because of going to Texas I will buy a good firewall program instead of these free spyware things.
I hope to get a call this morning from the VA regarding my pension. Wayne called yesterday to ask me to take him to the bank and cash his check. I told him I could get to it around 11:00 today. It would be nice to get to the YMCA and start the process of getting back into shape but odds are I won’t because I have not slept at all. That will catch up to me. At least this cold is getting weaker so that should help. Cherie noted that I don’t seem to cough much until I lie down. That may indicate fluid in my lungs that comes out when I’m not vertical.
I am finally writing our love story. I just had a coughing fit and with it my ears started ringing and I got that dizzy sensation I experience with slow downs.

The bureaucratic idiot nightmare is back on. The VA lady called me and despite the over two years of the VA physically examining me, treating me, working to get me housing, and even helping me fill out the paperwork for my pension, they want proof I was not and am not in prison. This has caused a return of the stress, anger, and confusion that plagued me when I was wandering on the street. I couldn’t talk to Cherie about it without flying of and cussing the VA out. She wants me to stay home till she comes here for lunch so I am settled down when I go to the courthouse to get proof. I am not doing well at all. Anger is not good for me and for anyone around me. As soon as life looks like things are working out it takes a shit on me. I will need Cherie’s help. Can’t trust myself to keep a cool head now.
It’s 8:20. We just got back from going out to Gino’s for pizza. On the way back we stopped at Kroger to pick up some ham hocks for the beans I want to make. Getting home I washed the beans I had soaked overnight and put them in the pot. I turned the burner on high to get them started while I took of my coat and boots. Smelling something I hurried into the kitchen to find I had turned the wrong burner on and had ruined another of Cherie’s Revereware pots. That makes two. I am pissed at myself and pissed that I make mistakes like this more than once. I had planned on writing much when we got home and was real sharp, running about a nine. Now I am disgusted with this and my shortcomings in general. Changed the whole tone of the evening. Just want to say F--- it. lost interest in doing anything. I’m sure the neighbors are wondering as I throw shit around and cuss and cuss. Glad I don’t have booze or dope cause I really want to escape this reality. Hate not being all there. Being sharp was a glimpse at who I was all the time before the wreck. Don’t like this mirror where I am faced with who I am today. Just want to escape into sleep where I don’t have to think.

No comments: