No matter how thorny things get you can always find beauty. You just have to look for it. (click on it to see it up close)

1/20/06 Friday
Cherie got me up early and fixed breakfast for me. This is partly because I am scheduled to take Barb and one of her cats to the Vet to get fixed at 8:00. I got showered and shaved and moving….the phone rang. It was Barb “We’ll have to cancel going this morning. My cat went out last night and didn’t come back. She’s not here” She said with her ten year old’s voice inflection.
This is a disappointment but not a surprise. She got a check to pay for the procedure from her payee. This is her pattern. Cash comes in and the next day something comes up that prevents her from keeping an engagement. Then she is broke, the money disappears. I hope I am wrong but it is the pattern of behavior that is common with crack cocaine and other addictions.
Anyway, I’m all dressed up with no where to go so I called Fred. “Hey Fred, Barb can’t go to the vet. It’s going to be in the 50’s so it’s a good time to get out. You want to go anywhere?”. He didn’t know about Barb so she lied when she said she had already talked to Fred. “Fred, she said she would reschedule for next week but she’ll be broke by then” I told him. We talked about taking over some of the food he had bought for her. He said he would like to go over there and get the money to hold for her. If it is already gone that supports the money going down the drug drain.
It is 10:40 now and I will be leaving soon to take Fred to Barb’s.

I am back now. No surprises here. Fred had called Barb and said she was waiting. We get there and I carry the box of food up to her apartment. “Oh! A care package” Barb said as she took the box. Fred and I sat sown and I waited, pretty sure what would happen. As soon as Fred asked for the money so he could hold it till she went to the vet. “Don’t start that. I’ve got a headache and don’t want to hear it” Barb sharply retorted. Fred asked again a little more strongly. Barb said she already put the money away “I’m a big girl. I can handle my money. I have a headache and I want to go back to bed so you can leave now” she dismissed us.
In the car Fred was pissed saying he wouldn’t do anything else for her. “She spent that money. She didn’t even have a cat carrier. I don’t think she ever wanted to get her cat fixed” he said. I told him that this was just another way of getting money out of her payee. I didn’t tell him I thought the money went for drugs cause that would just upset him more.
Afterwards I asked Fred “Well we’re out so where do you want to go?”. He wanted to go to a Menards that he had heard advertised allot. He said it was off Reynolds in Maumee. We drove up and down that road but it wasn’t there so came home.
Allen called while I was driving so I told him I would call him back when I got home. He answered right away. I asked if he was ready for me to come over but he said he had to wait for someone to come back and would call then. I am pretty sure that he is getting more pain pills. It is hard to watch, even harder when it is a road you have gone down. I know how this works, how the addiction takes over everything in your life like a cancer spreading through your body, killing everything it touches. He just called so I’m heading over.


I get to Allen’s and call to let him know I am here as usual. When he came to the door he had his toilette seat in his hands and threw it in the garbage. He was moving fast and being obsessive as he dumped out water from the garbage can, being real particular, making sure he missed nothing. All the while he was bitching about “They stole another trash can”. I agreed and said that went with this side of town. Then I amended that saying “Actually this happens everywhere. You can go out to West Texas where the nearest house is a mile away and some one will still steal something”. Allen agreed with this homespun wisdom and I followed him in.
I know we had talked about going to a movie. It began Wednesday when I offered to pay his way to a movie. He wasn’t up for it that day because he was again waiting for someone so we scheduled it for today with Allen to call me when he woke up. So what do I hear? First it’s “What do you want to do? You want to relax or do you want to go straight to work?” I am a little confused so I asked him what times was the movie showing. “3:15 and 5:45” he answered “So we better get to work”.
I’m rolling with the punches and figure he just had a few simple things to catch before we left for the show. “We’ll have to hurry because you know I like to be home by five, that means we will have to catch the 3:15 show” I said as I followed him to the back room. He had allot of stuff planned so I went straight to work as I sorted all this out. It got to the point we had to leave to catch the movie so I pointed out the time to Allen. He said “I guess we won’t see the movie today” and then launched into his frustration that I don’t want to stay out past 5:00. He’s almost acting like a jealous woman, resentful that Cherie is such a priority.
This I could deal with because I set the rules and that’s that. Then, as we worked, Allen asks me if I still have some of his gift left. “Yeah…There’s a little left” I answered, wondering where this was heading. “Why don’t you sell it and give me $45.00”. This was a source of friction before when he had promised it and then changed his mind. We argued and I told him I did not want it and tried to leave it behind as I headed out. Now he became insistent and promised there would be no problems. Fine, I’ll keep him happy.
I am incredulous as he asks me to sell this gift. “Allen, are we repeating an old conversation?” I asked, referring to the last tiff. I had left then thinking it was a dead subject only to have him revive it. Now it is setting me off. I have tried my best to help him but I recognize this behavior. He had already told me that his good friend had brought some relief for his pain so he was doing alright. “I’ve been up since 6:00 this morning” he told me. Now he was scratching for $45.
I told Allen that I was done “I’m out a here”. He asked for a chance to explain so I sat down to give him this chance. Allen might as well have started off with “In The Beginning” because he launched into a narrative where he started with how much he has done for me. This was the same way he had talked to the doctors when I had taken him to the emergency room. They had instantly recognized he abused pain killers and told him so in a non confrontational way. Allen tells me of all his debts, how he is facing insurmountable problems so I should be helping. I know he’s high and tell him to get to the point. “I’m trying” he said and went back to his diatribe. “Allen I’m not going to stay here all night” I told him and tried to lead him back to the immediate issue.
OK. This is enough. Now I am going off as I am prone to do. “Allen I can’t trust you to do what you say. If I can’t trust you I don’t need you as a friend. I’m out of here and I am done with you. Your talking and thinking like a junkie. Don’t bother to call me”. I don’t have many friends and I don’t want many. I value trust above all things. The signs I put up all over my warehouse back in the day said “It only takes two things to gain my respect. Say what you mean and Do what you say”. This is a creed I live by. I don’t play games and one thing you can count on is this.
I will write something to Allen because talking doesn’t work well. He is clueless just how much his mind is off the main track and the way his mind sees things only resembles the truth. I will tell him that if he goes to Unison for mental health and gets enrolled for welfare so he can get medical help I will talk with him. He needs help and I can only do so much. Perhaps this will motivate him to get help. I don’t think he comprehends that he is a junkie addicted to opiates. He won’t face that despite his whole world getting sucked dry because of the drugs.
When I left I called Eileen and went over there to talk. Allen tried to call twice but I wouldn’t answer. Done with it. Eileen was glad to see me. She let me know she will miss me if I go to Texas. “Eileen, I’ll come back to visit. Can you fly? Hell I’ll just buy you a ticket to come down and see us” I told her. Nancy came over from next door to get some spaghetti noodles. She will be having back surgery Monday where they will take some bone from her hip and install it with two steel pins into her back. She had been pushed to the ground and robbed a couple of weeks ago. She was telling about problems her girl had in school with third graders kicking her desk over and breaking her crayons. She was crying and the teacher told her to pick up her desk and be quiet. I told Nancy to go straight to the principal about it. “He won’t do anything about it, he never does unless your black” she told me. This brought up the many events these children have seen that sure seemed like reverse discrimination. “She hates white people” was said regarding the teacher. Racism is not a white thing. Bitterness and hate are created on all sides and always brings blindness.
Eileen and I shared on many areas. She told me of how her daughter was changing, how she was worried about her daughter marrying Calvin. How she was afraid Calvin would be involved with things he shouldn’t and might be dragging the kids in with him. There is so much that is poison in this part of town, so much that will destroy these kids that I wished I could pluck the bunch of them up and take them to where life is cleaner. Wish I was God so I could help them all.
I took Cherie out to our nice cheap and good restaurant. It was fantastic as always. Cherie was tired and needed the break. We talked about Texas and when I suggested it might be good for me to buy a pickup in Texas and just fly down to work on the house she got sad. “I don’t want you to go without me” she said and then said she didn’t want to be up here alone. I tried to reassure her and said she needed to be strong because there were sacrifices to be made to achieve our dream. She will go on the first trip which is when I will inspect the house and determine what we needed to do.
We are home now and Cherie fell asleep over an hour ago. I am getting tired so think I will publish this and call it a night.