Monday, January 16, 2006

This is another picture of what used to be the grape arbor Rudy built at the farm in Texas.

1/15/06 Sunday
I suppose I am fighting off something. Woke up tired, not sleepy but physically worn out. This may have something to do with the dreams I had. They were violent and mean. There is something I buried long ago, something dark and sinister that I tucked away deep inside my soul. I fear it’s awakening. I won’t wake it but others are stirring it up and it is they who should be afraid. There are times it stirs and cries out in my mind. It takes me back. Back to the days of guns and violence when I took care of business, when you dealt with a problem so it doesn’t come back to haunt you. It was during this period of my life this dark side was created. It almost got out during the madness just prior to my accident four years ago. That is one of the reasons I am grateful for the accident. It stopped this part of me, helped me bury it again using reason as my defense.
It is 1:05. I finally got out of bed. I wanted to go out visiting but am not going anywhere right now. Running at about a four. There is a movie on that I never saw. It is called “Your So Pretty”. It has John Travolta and another actor who is famous but I don’t know his name. I have a headache. Started at 12:00 or so. Maybe I’m at a three cause this is hard. You know, putting sentences together and spelling the words. Think I will go back and lay down. Two hard days in a row.

2:45 – Cherie just came back from the storage unit. She is worrying like I, concerned by the lack of contact from Texas. My brother hasn’t returned my calls and neither has Virginia. Cherie is also bothered by what I wrote earlier in this entry. I am trying to reassure her I am in full control of myself and will not go off. We all wander into strange areas in our thoughts. That doesn’t mean we will act on them. Just means we have an imagination. Where do you think all the whacked out stuff Steven King writes comes from? I’m still slow but not nearly as bad as at 1:05. I am up to a five on the Bob scale.

It’s 11:00 now. I should be tired but am not.

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