Ran with the devil, Walked with angels: much on my mind

5/1/07 Tuesday
Woke up at 4:30 this morning. Debated getting up and moving or just laying there and slumbering. No, can’t do that. There is too much on my mind and it is sharp and lucid. This is what I call prime time, those periods I am blessed with the cognitive level of mental acuity I once enjoyed every day. Another glimpse of who I used to be.

There are two things that predominate my thoughts. On top of that list is my wife back in Toledo. What a time of turmoil and difficult decisions. In a sad way it is good that dad displayed his mental fragility in such a clear yet violent way. This was the kind of activity that has been excused as “He just gets angry” and “He’s old”. Now it has progressed beyond that. I know that mom being in the hospital and coming close to death with her open heart surgery weighs heavily in this issue but dad has been displaying this kind of anger for a while and is known for threatening and actually swinging his cane at others. The biggest issue that must be tackled is money. Where will funds come from to place dad in a facility he can get the care and supervision he needs. Then what about moms living situation. Selling a house takes time and with the debts attached to it through refinancing may leave little left over after it is sold.

Then there is the domino effect on others. Middle sister Cathy has lived in this house with her two sons for some time now, during which she cared and assisted her parents. So she will need to find housing for herself and at least her youngest son. The oldest is a man of twenty two years now and quite capable of taking care of himself. The mans got a great head on his shoulders with a penchant for business. Been quite successful in several ventures. Just needs to shed those who’s personalities and lifestyle drag him down had have destroyed so much that Nate accomplished. This is something we all have faced to one degree or another. The company we keep can lift us or lower the life we lead. Hope not to upset Nate but care and wish to see him reach his potential. Damn dude, you could rule.

So that is on top of my list of things that plague my thoughts, things I return to many times in the day. Number two is my learning how to behave and conquering the fears I have regarding how I am viewed by those in the church we attend. Talking with Eric has helped me sort some of this out but there is still much there. Developing relationships is a big part of that and something I am having to learn how to do. I need to work on not dwelling on this for the more I hash it over in this mind the worse it becomes. Another area where simple conversation will go far. Allay these fears and suspicions that have no foundation.

There are of course many other things. One of them is my decision to launch a new blog, the one I’ve talked about recently, “Balaam’s ass”. That will take some work to get done. It will be primarily bible studies that address many things I see with these eyes of a child peeking out from an adults brain. These eyes that are viewing a world that is new to me in many ways because of the memory loss. These eyes that see this world from a new perspective that is a result of my death and resurrection from the accident. My adjustment of priorities and a rethinking of what is really important in and about life. This I am determined to follow through on, to make it a task that I will actually complete, unlike the many I have started and left hanging unfinished. That I will begin as soon as I post this and order my medication online from the VA. Just noticed my seizure meds are getting low. Got the bottle setting right here next to me to insure I don’t forget. So far it is a good day. Course it’s only 6:30 but I will determine to have it remain good the entire day. Thinking positive goes a long way.
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Damn, I’m getting that slight sweat skin warming ears ringing thing that warns of a slow down. Guess I’ll go pull weeds or something till it passes. Hope it’s a short one. Just started on the new blog. I’ll leave it up so I will see it every time I open this laptop. That’s how I keep from forgetting. Worked for the prescription refill. Forgot it when I posted the first entry but seeing the bottle after I went off line I immediately went back on and got it done. That’s how it works. If somethings to get done I leave it or a note out where I can’t help but see it. Out of sight is out of mind with me. Things are much better when Cherie is here as she remembers for me.
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10:43 – Had to come in, take a pain pill and lay down. Been out pulling weeds. After seeing how quick they sprang back up when I cut them off with the hoe I decided that pulling them up with the roots would be a much better way to go. This way I could also avoid cutting down the natural grasses and what winter wheat managed to not get plundered by the birds when I originally sowed the seed. It is a tedious process and there’s a hell of a lot of weeds to pull. If I had a tiller things would go much faster. Long term I feel it will be less work as I won’t have to repeatedly do this again and again.

It didn’t take me long to figure out that bending over to pull weeds was going to hurt bad. Even keeping the hoe in my hand and using it to support me and help me rise didn’t do it. I went and got this chair, sitting in it while I pulled weeds. Can’t help but wonder what those passing by thought. Don’t really care, just know it saves me a lot of pain. But I hurt anyway. Now have a headache also. Gonna lay here a bit. Wait for the pain pill to help. It doesn’t do much for the headaches but sure is great for the back. Oughta grab a couple of aspirin for the head.

Lots of caterpillars out now. Seeing lots of them and usually kill them when I do. I know they make wonderful butterflies and stuff but they have voracious appetites. They’ve got almost eighty acres of land they can feed on, just don’t want them in the garden. Took a picture of two of them. Maybe Cathy can figure out what they are. Saw lots of what I think are lady bugs. They are good as they feed on aphids and other destructive pests. Some of the organic catalogs sell them and other beneficial bugs such as a type of wasp that kills something that’s not good. Can’t remember what.

Skittles has been wiped out all morning long but that’s pretty much par for the course. He’s grown comfortable staying here on the farm and is not as wary when we are around. Knows he is safe I suppose. I know Cherie will enjoy seeing this picture of him, especially with the pressures she has up there. Here ya go honey. He misses you, can't you tell? Carman kitty definitely does miss his mom and snuggles up to me more than usuall. There are a lot of big dog tracks so either the coyotes have been nosing around or that one dog we had to chase away. That one could belong to the Mennonites who live at the far corner of the farm. Don’t know what else to call them. That’s what the sheriff called them so suppose it’ll have to do. They were jamming last night and I could hear the base thumping despite being a half mile away. That’s a sound I figured we escaped when we left Toledo. There the popular thing was for the gang bangers and wannabee’s to put these huge base speakers and power amps in their cars so that the brick walls in our apartment would literally vibrate when they drove past. Not going to worry about it as it’s the first time I’ve heard it.

I fixed some tea cause I know I’ll be needing it working outside. Haven’t heard from Kevin regarding my going up there to collect the goat crap. I know he’s a busy man but I won’t go on another mans property without his letting me know what the rules are. I’m sure there are things he would presume anyone with common sense would know to or not to do. But I’m a city kid and don’t always display commons sense so what is obvious to some may be totally lost on me. Just want to be real careful out here. Walking on eggshells in some areas and trampling through stuff in others.

It’s 11:23 now. Hard to keep my eyes open. I don’t usually get this tired till around 2:00 but I was up and moving early so I suppose it’s nap time. Just an hour or so does wonders. I told Eric that in many ways it is like I am eighty years old. I put stuff on the hot plate and forget it and get tired easy. The tiredness is what they call mental fatigue and is another common issue with traumatic brain injuries. I guess I feel compelled to put that in because I worry that some will label me as lazy. It’s just the way it is. Frustrating to me when I remember how much I loved to work and my week averaged about eighty hours. Anyway enough of that, I’ll get this posted and take the nap.

You know, thinking about it I go and look at the pictures of Cherie all the time now that she's up north. Bet she'd like to see one of me so I'll pick one out. Something that reminds her what kind of a nut I can be and hopefully will put a smile on my baby's face. Here goes.