Try try again

8/31/06 Thursday
Another day, another attempt to get things done that need to be done. We are leaving for Texas in about six weeks if things go as planned. I am fairly sharp this morning, running an 8 on the bob scale. I slugged down three cups of coffee and am fixin to make another pot. Perhaps that will help me stay moving, if nothing else to the bathroom.

I called the guy in Midland who sells Aeromotor windmills because we never received a quote from him. He said he swore he had done that but would check his files to make sure. Regardless we don’t have it and need it for the business plan I haven’t written.

I left a message with Nate asking him to call. What I know is that generally if I don’t have something scheduled as in an appointment it simply doesn’t happen. The trailer needs to get finished also. For that I need, or at least could use a compressor and air hammer to bust loose the rust on the frame. Then I can use the product that bonds with rust to stop it’s action.

I whipped up some scrambled eggs for some protein. Now I have to take a Tums for the acidy stomach caused by the coffee. May have to take it easy on that. Time to check E mail and get on the business plan.

2:00 – Got distracted on the Homesteader website. Lots of good people and good advice from people who are out there doing it. It being farming, raising animals of all types, and generally being self sufficient. Time to fix some food and get focused.
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Frustration is high. Was working or starting to work on the business plan. Kind of froze up. There is stuff I wrote that I can’t seem to find now. I have an E mail from Cathy that was a response to one I sent her. Can’t find the one I sent. This laptop is also freezing up. Can’t sometimes close a window. Eventually get a note saying program stopped responding. I am not doing well and it is because of stressing out. Freezes up this brain. Damn it. Got a head full of ideas that I can’t put on paper. I give for now.

It’s 8:00 now. I am still upset at this disability. Pisses me off to have to struggle to do what at one time was no problem. Cherie came home and her smile just brightened things up. She read the journal as she does to see how things are with me and came in, laid down, put her head on my chest, and looking into my eyes told me how much she loved me. That makes everything all right. Doesn’t take the headache away but makes it allot easier to handle. Other than that it was a crappy day. This laptop isn’t helping.

Will anything get done today?

8/30/06 Wednesday
Another day. Had to look at the calendar to see what day it is. Haven’t had to do that as much lately. Not the best sign. Will this be another in the long list of days I haven’t accomplished anything? I hope not. This is a frustration I have had since I woke from the coma, not finishing anything I start. I manage this journal ok. Mostly because it is a routine I have developed and also because the entries usually don’t take a long time. If I get distracted I can pick up where I left off. The business plan is harder. I think up things to say and then forget due to anything else getting my attention. That includes just having my thoughts wander to another subject. Also I have a hard time organizing these thoughts and get confused on what to write where. I used to write business plans and complex proposals all the time prior to the accident. It is hard to look at myself and see how much is lost. I am afraid. Will I be able to do this farm? Don’t know right now. I’m probably just depressed cause I am usually more positive. I’ll get over it.

Typical. I went online to post this and forgot when I checked my E mail. Just going back online to get it done. Not real speedy this morning but not bad, running a five or six on the bob scale

At least I did something

8/29/06 Tuesday
I took Fred and his car in to get the oil changed. That went fine. Knowing they now offered Wi Fi I took this laptop also. Turns out you have to get a password and get inundated with their adds to go online. It was a pain so I didn’t bother.

After that was done Fred wanted to take the panties and stuff he bought for Barb to her. He had to tell me the details of why he bought the panties, mostly because she didn’t have clean ones and needed them for when she goes into the hospital for her hysterectomy. “She’s supposed to be back at 10:30” Fred told me. We got there at 10:20 and Fred had me blow the horn. After getting no response he gets out and slowly makes his way to the door. Barb didn’t answer so after standing in the drizzle for five minutes he came back to the car. “That damn medical cab isn’t worth a darn” he said impatiently. We sat out there for forty five minutes when he asked me to call Barb’s cell phone.

Barb didn’t answer but she called back about ten minutes later. “Bob, you called me?” she asked. I explained we were waiting for her. “I’m in group. I told Fred I wouldn’t be home till 12:30. Typical. She started talking and I just handed the phone to Fred. It was his problem. He had me take the bags of stuff to Barb’s next door neighbor and we finally left. Fred wanted to buy me Arby’s for driving him around. He likes Arby’s cause they had a buy four sandwiches for $5.00 deal. He likes to pinch his pennies. Come to find out they only offer the deal with a coupon. That set Fred off so we pulled out of the drive through. I went into Kroger and got Fred some milk and a paper. On the way home he told me that IHOP was offering breakfasts for .99 and asked if I wanted to go. I’d been sitting in his car for over an hour and it was going on 1:00 so no, I don’t want breakfast. Then it was Burger King. “Fred, I’m not hungry” I let him know so we went home.

I got Robin’s present mailed. Had to buy a box to fit it and in order to get it to her in time sent it priority mail. By now it is 4:00. I sat at this laptop to work on the business plan and kept nodding off. Too tired to get anything done so I figured a nap would be a good idea. It helped. Cherie fixed chicken and we watched the news. Now I am awake so perhaps will get something done. We were going to go to Direct Buy and price things out for the house but I decided not to. We can do it Saturday when we are both a little fresher.

9:00 PM – Cherie is tired and going to sleep. I hope to use this time to work on that business plan that seems to elude me. Have to not allow myself to get distracted.

So much for that. I just spent an hour trying to get an E mail to my old friend and pastor Ron Charles. Don’t know if it’s Yahoo or what but nothing seems to work right. Every time I try to do something like go to the addresses section it would say it couldn’t find the website. Working on a headache now.

Try to stay focused

8/28/06 Monday
I’m going to try and stay focused on the business plan. Ran out to get some egg McMuffins cause I didn’t feel like cooking breakfast. Fred caught me when I got back. I am scheduled to take his car in for an oil change so he has now planned a whole days worth of things he’d like to do. I did tell Denise that I would install her computer today so need to get that done. Maybe later. I’m not going to spend allot of time on this journal now so I can get focused on the business plan.
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Just spent two hours on The Love Story, getting pictures on the blog I am setting up for it. Then it all disappeared. *&%##@. That’s putting it nicely. Tried again to do it but something is screwy with Blogger now so the blog didn’t show up right.

It’s almost noon and I haven’t touched the business plan. Got another headache and the frustration level is pretty high. Cherie called to let me know she would not come home for lunch. That is understandable as it takes ten or fifteen minutes each way to get here and doesn’t leave her much time. I think I will heat up some of the beans I made and lay down to unwind a little.

It’s 1:50 now. Just woke up when the phone rang. I was up till 2:00 in the morning last night so that contributes to how tired I am. Was reading stuff about “U Pick Farms” that is a concept I was looking at. It is a good viable way of selling products but has its problems. I am not real good at interacting with people so that’s a big factor.

My frustration level is at a high level. Cherie and I just had words by E mail. I have been asking her to make the corrections to the Love Story that I had written about us for quite a while now. Originally it was a few months ago but it had languished unfinished as almost everything I start does and I just finished it a few days ago. By my pushing to get her to do it she got upset. I guess if you add menopause and the politics at her work place it makes things worse. But, while that bothers me what really has me frustrated is Denise’s computer. Just had it fixed again so I took it over to install it.

I was thinking that this would be good and all I had to do is hook up the wires and she would have a great computer. She was excited to see me and talked about how good it would be to be able to E mail and go online. I got everything hooked up and turned it on. It took forever to load up but I figured that was because it had just been cleaned up at the computer place so had to recalibrate or something. Then I put in her disc for SBC internet. It didn’t work. In fact the drawer wouldn’t stay closed. Every time I would put the disc in it would just open back up. I got to looking at her old computer and it has a Pentium 2 chip just like this one I got for her did. Now that I think about it this computer from Jeff may not be any better than what she had. It just has Windows 2000 instead of 98. Here I thought I was doing something and it looks like I was, I was wasting time and money.

So what have I accomplished today? Not a damn thing. Oh! I washed dishes! Big F—ing deal.

rough start

8/26/06 Saturday
Yesterday ended up pretty rough. It was one of the partial seizures that made it hard to walk and I was dropping things. This morning I woke up slow and still have the headache but at least it isn’t at migraine level. Running about a 5 on the bob scale. This means you can hear it in my voice. Talk real slow and when Cherie asked if I wanted apple juice or milk I had a hard time deciding. If I am lucky this will clear up. If I am not I won’t go anywhere. I do need to take Denise’s computer back to her and set it up.

There is not much else I will write this morning. Mostly cause I’m not too clear and figuring out what to say is a chore for me right now.
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11:43 – Still not up to speed. How do I describe this? It’s kinda like I’ve had a couple of beers, smoked a small amount of pot, my head feels like I have a cold with a slight fever on top of a headache. Can’t think very fast and damn sure don’t want to go anywhere unless this gets better. Still don’t have good control of my right leg and it is more numb than usual. This started yesterday with a moment of lucidity at around 10:00. I’ve got the blinds closed to reduce the light that I am sensitive to right now.

I am cooking pinto beans now. Bought ham hocks yesterday and started soaking the beans at that time. Cherie reminded me about them this morning, a good thing cause I didn’t remember them at all. This time I am going to keep it simple. Cherie told me that there is some spice I put in them she doesn’t like. I don’t have a clue what that would be cause I always just go through the spices and toss in whatever seems good. Then I forget what I put in. This time it’s just chili powder, salt, tarragon, onions, and a small bit of jalapeño pepper. Got to have that. It’s not for heat, it’s for the flavor. Maybe if I ate a big tablespoon of peppers it would clear this brain up. Hmmm, nah that would be too easy. Doesn’t work that way. I’ve taken aspirin and I guess I will break down and take one of the Tramadol that are dwindling down to just a few. Been hoarding them for over a year now and when they are gone that’s it.

Just called Cherie. She is over at her moms right now. My sister Robin’s birthday is coming up on the third of next month so I asked Cherie to shop for a gift. I really don’t know what she likes but suggested Cherie get a nice piece of glass. After all Toledo was the glass capital of the world for a while with Libbey glass creating the technology used to manufacture it.

It’s an hour later. I am clearing up some now though the headache is remaining firm. I’ll take what I can get.

So far so good

8/25/08 Friday
So far so good. I woke up fairly sharp considering I was up till 12:30 last night. I had gone to Allen’s and helped him dig a small hole to lay some concrete and fix his steps. That reminded me how out of shape I am and how much it hurts to bend down and lift. This makes me wonder how I will do working on the farm in Texas.

Cherie reminded me I was to meet Jeff at the Waffle House. That’s right. I called him and scheduled that yesterday or the day before. Allen called at a little after 7:00 this morning. He wanted to make sure I knew that I didn’t turn the water off when I helped him do the concrete work and that he was “Under water”. I had turned the water off but it was still dripping. The water goes in a 50 gallon plastic drum where he lets it aerate and the chlorine evaporate out for the fish tank. I am certain that the drip didn’t cause his house to flood. He probably turned it back on and forgot himself. He’s done it before.

Jeff asked me to catch him up on Texas and the farm. “You’ll be late for work” I said referring to how much has happened. I told him about all of our plans and dreams. Sustainable farming, wind electric generation, rebuilding the house to be passive solar, the fish farm idea, and lots of the other plans. I followed Jeff to pick up the computer he was donating. This one is going to Allen.

With that in my truck I headed for the East Side to go see Allen. Tried to call him but his phone was off the hook so I figured I could bang on his door to get him up. Actually I presumed he would be awake because he had called me so early. Nope, I woke him up. I had planned on helping him clean up his flood (The faucet was indoors so it flooded his house) but he had already done so. After listening to him piss and moan I showed him the computer and got out of there.

“Hey, I’m already on the East Side, maybe I can go see Bernie” I told myself. That sounded like a good idea so I headed to the old warehouse. This is the same building I had my companies in. Bernie was busy with a customer when I got up there so I looked around the building to remind myself again of the world I had destroyed.
These are the signs pointing to where my offices were. Keith Knecht made these. He is an artist who is known nationally for his pinstripe work on custom cars. So many good and bad memories are attached to this place.


There are still many remnants left and always will be until the building is torn down. It is sad to see again but is a good reminder of the destructive power of drugs and for that matter of an undiagnosed brain injury.

Bernie’s guest was gone when I got back to his shop so he had a few moments to talk but not long. Things are not going well. The city may stop it’s support of the building and that would mean Bernie would lose his shop. His frustration level is very high. Bernie told me how bad things had gotten and that he would love to go back to his cabin in the mountains of California. The VFW post he is a commander at is not doing well at all, adding to his stress. He had allot of calls to make so we agreed to meet next week sometime and I took off.

Now I am at the library downtown. I want to meet with as many of the people who had helped me when I was wandering homeless as I can to thank them and say goodbye. The downtown library was a refuge for me during those times. Not only could I research who I was but it was safe, away from the predators on the streets, had heating and air, and a bathroom I could clean up at. The staff here, upon learning of my situation, taught me how to use the computers I had once been good at and pointed me in the right directions to learn what I needed. Good people.

I think I will post this and work on the business plan. Love the Wi Fi cause I can go online with this laptop here in the library.
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1:49 – I was real sharp when I met with Jeff and stayed that way till now. Couldn’t remember if I ate breakfast so cooked one of the bratwurst for lunch. Now I remember! I met Jeff for breakfast. I am slowing down now and have a headache on the way. I’ll go shopping before it gets too bad. I am going to cook dinner tonight and want to get something for the pork tenderloins, probably apple like I had planned before. Better get moving before it gets too bad. Was at a 9 on the Bob scale this morning and am down to a 6 now.

That was a stark reminder of why I don’t go out shopping or for that matter out at all when I am slow. I made a list to make sure I got everything and once in the store found I had forgotten it, presumably at home. This is one of the slow downs that effects the part of my brain that controls movement. As a consequence I am limping real bad and walking very slow. As people rushed through the store they were constantly swinging around me. I tried to stay out of the way as much as I could. As I pushed my cart I looked studiously down each isle, desperately hoping to remember what I was going to buy. Didn’t do to bad. The only thing I forgot was brown sugar. The headache was accentuated by my disorientation and the stress of being in the store. I was glad to check out. Walking out of the store a lady seemed to be upset with my slow speed, perhaps thinking I was doing it on purpose. I don’t know, perhaps I am just being a little self conscious.

When I got home I took the pork loins out of the fridge to marinade them in the apple juice I got for that purpose. I could have sworn that when I read the cooking instructions on them it said they should be marinaded. No it didn’t. They are already marinaded. This is certainly a slow time. Don’t comprehend what I read well. The list I thought I forgot was sitting on the seat of the truck. I think I will post this, take some aspirin, and go to bed.
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7:28 – The headache made it to migraine level. I am still walking poorly as my control of the right leg isn’t too hot. Hoped to work on the business plan but didn’t get to it. Cherie is visiting her mom right now. I made myself come out to write this and will check E mail. Then I’ll probably go back to bed. These periods drive me nuts. Running a 5 on the bob scale so even writing this is hard. I wonder how I will be able to run a farm like this. It is a little scary.

Now I am doing much better, running an 8 or so. Yeah, I’ll be able to run the farm with Cherie. By myself I don’t know. Hell if I was by myself I wouldn’t care to go through all that work. But with Cherie I am motivated. Now I am building a life not just living day to day. So as a team “We” can do this. She can fill in the blanks I have and I support and strengthen her emotionally. It’s hard to put in words. Basically we are complete, like the Bible puts it “The two shall become one” and thus strong where apart we were fragmented and perhaps a bit scattered.

Cherie came in and told me there were some kids in the parking lot out by a pickup truck. I got up and looked out the window, they were changing a tire. It didn’t look right so I got up and put my clothes on. I decided now was a good time to take out the garbage. When I went out they were just getting in the truck and took off. There was no license plate on the truck and I thought they were looking at the trailer so as usual I thought the worst. Nothing like imagination. Not that bad but I decided to put the chain and lock on the trailer. I had bought it for that purpose but had slacked off on chaining it.

While out there the kid (35 is a kid to me) I had talked to a few days ago walked by. He’s the one who is on SSI for all the different “A.D.” mental disorders, had a drug problem, and had been in prison more times than me. He was high. I talked with a bit about life, trying to encourage him that making the right choices leads to a better life. Don’t know if I got through. Probably not but often times these words come back when someone is in trouble. Who knows. I was clear by the time all this happened so I was able to have a lucid conversation with him.

Allen called me at 9:00 tonight. “How r u feeling” he said as one word. I told him I’d had a migraine so he said “Well why don’t you come over and maybe fix that”. He still doesn’t get it. For me nine at night is the end of the day but for him it is like two in the afternoon. I’ve explained this many times but I know that between his traumatic brain injury, depression, and the pain medications it will not stay. Allen’s ability to pirate satellite TV was done in a month or two ago. I guess the satellite companies have a way of frying the computer chips or whatever it is that accesses the network. He also doesn’t have any reception for the local television down in the basement. I told him many times to run a wire to the roof but he claims it won’t do any good. He’s tried it before so he knows. You can’t argue with him cause when he makes a stand he will stick with it till the end. I couldn’t even suggest how to lay the concrete for the whole I dug the other day.

It is 10:00 PM and I am wide awake and energetic. Would have been allot happier if I had been like this earlier today when I could have gotten work done on the business plan. Oh well, I’ll take what I can get. Time to make this the last post of the day and research more stuff for the business plan.

I wonder...

8/23/06 Wednesday
I wonder how today will go. Yesterday I was hoping to be on the upswing and could look forward to days of cognizance. That didn’t work out. I’m running a 7 this morning, which is average for me. Hope to get things done. Will take Allen to see Pirates of the Caribbean to get him out of his place and combat his depression. I think I’ll fix a big bowl of oatmeal and get myself motivated.

Got showered, decided not to shave cause don’t plan on seeing anyone I want to impress. Actually I really don’t want to impress anyone but don’t wish to be judged, to have someone think less of me cause I don’t come up to their standards for outward appearances.

I called Jeff and renewed our Friday morning get togethers for breakfast. Been meaning to do that ever since we got back from Texas but in typical Bob fashion never got around to it. Kind of feeling melancholy this morning and in retrospect am running at a 6, not the 7 I stated earlier. Don’t feel like eating but will make myself do so.
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10:34 – I just got off the phone with Virginia. We had a nice talk and covered things like our plan for the farm, renting a house when we come down, rain, escaping the degradations of city life, organic farming, and lots of other stuff.

I am again not doing well, another slow down. This is driving me nuts. I don’t know why things have been so unstable lately. Was just telling Virginia about these partial seizures and now I am having one. The oatmeal I was cooking got forgotten about. I’ll have to chisel it out of the pot. Saved the top portion of it which I will now eat before I forget it is there. It is like a solid lump of clay but I won’t waste it. Having a hard time writing and have to go back and proof read this cause I’m not completing sentences. Dizzy and the headache is coming on strong.

Only four hours of sleep but the brain is working.

8/22/06 Tuesday
Both of us had a hard time going to sleep. For some reason we were wide awake and full of energy at one in the morning. Of course that made waking up this morning hard. Cherie looked like she was about to go to sleep when she left for work. I resisted the temptation to go back to bed. The brain is still running well. Hope I am on the upswing side of the slow down cycles. That would give me a week or three of good days. I best look in the calendar to see what I should do.

I need to make a copy of Rudy’s death certificate and send it to Patrick for Lee’s Civil Service insurance. The other thing scheduled is to meet Cathy at her work. This I am looking forward to. I love to learn and what she can teach me is vital for our farm plans. One thing that is not on the calendar is going to visit Allen. Who knows if that will happen. Allen is to call me when he gets up and moving, which is usually around three in the afternoon. He is so unstable that I can’t really count on it. Hope he calls and if I don’t hear from him I’ll call him. There is some paperwork from Family Services that needs to get filled out and sent in. Mostly though he needs some encouragement and motivation to combat his depression. Mom asked a question when we were visiting yesterday. “What’s going to happen with Allen when I’m gone?” I don’t know but plan on getting him a computer like I did Wayne so we can keep in contact. I’ll still be trying to help them from 2000 miles away.

Despite being tired and only having four hours of sleep I am moving pretty good this morning. Already grabbed a bowl of cereal and went through my morning E mail routine. Checked the latest activity on the homesteader web site and completed some surveys. The last part of that routine is to get this journal entry posted as soon as I get done writing this.

It seems that my brother is checking in on the blog fairly regular, about once a week. I am curious if he cares or is worried about what I say about him. I don’t hear a word from him and most of what I have heard is that is ranting about my demanding he pay what he promised. With that and the typical emotional issues that come with long term alcoholism I suspect his motivation is not that he cares. It would be nice but I don’t know.

Time to post this and hit the shower. You can always tell when this brain is working cause I write allot more. Just look at the last entry in yesterdays post. The first two (I put a line between each entry) are short and the last one is longer than the first two put together. I’m running an 8 on the bob scale this morning
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I got Fred scheduled to take him and his car in for an oil change and lube job. (for some reason that doesn’t sound right) I got Rudy and Jessica’s (my mother) death certificates copied to sent to Patrick. Couldn’t find one for Lee so I’ll call Virginia to have her send a copy.

Virginia wasn’t in the office so I’ll have to call her later. I will send her an E mail now cause I know the odds are I’ll forget.

Speaking of forgetting I forgot how difficult it is to have a conversation around Wayne. Too tired right now. It is 4:14 and I just got home. I think I will lay down and write later.

9:06 – Later. It was another partial seizure, the kind that comes on quick and makes the world disoriented. Didn’t last long this time. I took my second seizure pill as soon as I figured out what was going on. Now back to the day.

After Cherie left for work I decided Taco Bell sounded good. The one I was heading for isn’t far from Wayne’s so I called him on my cell. I haven’t visited with him much lately so thought he would appreciate it. “What do you want?” he asked me. “I don’t want anything. Thought I would come by and visit. Would you like anything from Taco Bell?” I responded. He doesn’t get out for fast food and definitely liked the idea.

Jenifer (From the Zeph Center) has been taking him shopping and to doctors appointments and he has a home health aid who washes dishes, cleans, and takes care of those types of needs. She would wash him in the shower if he needed but he’s not keen on that. Don’t blame him. He also has physical therapists come in. Despite this he is very lonely so had much to say. I took him to the bank to cash his check and after asked him if he would like to ride along when I went to see Cathy. “It’d be nice to get out for a change” was his reply so off we went.

Cathy was tied up in a meeting but broke loose cause she knew I would be there at 2:00. She was surprised and glad to see Wayne. Hadn’t seen him since she and her sons helped move Wayne out of cracktown.

Like I had started to say earlier I had forgotten how hard it is to have a conversation with Wayne around. He doesn’t let someone finish a sentence before he jumps in with a question or statement. I had to tell him a number of times “Wayne, let Cathy finish talking”. Finally I told him that I had come to learn from Cathy and asked him to just be quiet. I had to tell him “Be quiet” four or five times with little success. I asked him to stay where he was and walked off a ways with Cathy. She was getting frustrated too. I gave up and told Cathy I had to get going. She said I could come back anytime and quietly said under her breath so Wayne didn’t hear “Come without Wayne”.

Both of us know that the MS affects Wayne’s brain and this was a result of that but it still doesn’t make anything easier. It is sad to watch this man telling the same story over again and again cause he doesn’t remember he just told it. And it will not get better, just gradually worse and worse. Yet he is a nice guy, really is. Four years ago this is the level I was at with the brain damage, actually I was worse. The difference is I am getting better as my brain rewires itself while he is getting worse. It reminds me how blessed and lucky I am.

I got Wayne home after stopping by Kroger so he could get some groceries and came home to have the seizure.

Cherie is exhausted from getting only three hours of sleep last night so hit the bed at 8:30 and conked out. I am doing better but only running a 7. Still got the headache that came with the seizure. I will post this and perhaps download the pictures of Texas desert plants Cathy can use for her students. They are going to make small biosphere’s of different types of environments including desert. Glad to help. I’ll probably call it a night as far as this blog goes so, See Ya.

Goona be a good day cause I said so.

8/21/06 Monday
It is a bright sunny morning. Temperatures will be in the low 80’s all week so I am grateful for that. Cherie had a hard time waking up this morning, probably because we were up late. I’m going to get moving and take the computer we got for Denise to PC World. Then I will probably work on the business plan. Better check my calendar first. It says I am to cook pork chops for dinner so that’s it I suppose. Think I will call Wayne to see if he needs anything.

He doesn’t. Jennifer is taking him to get groceries and cash his check. Gotta run.

Got the computer to the shop. Put the dishes away. Was going to marinade the pork chops it apple juice cause it’s great but found that these are already marinaded by the meat place Cherie bought them at. Time to get to work.
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This was not fun. Lost a chunk out of today’s entry cause this damn laptop hiccupped. It’s driving me nuts and has been for a while. Anyway I got the computer to PC World. They just called me to say it was fixed. Evidently a cable came loose. I’m going to get it as soon as I get this posted.

Called Patrick Duffy, the lawyer who helped us with the estate. He gave me the name of the farmer who does organic farming. I’ll call him to get some advice. I also asked about the Civil Service insurance we had asked him to check into for us. Good thing I did cause he had forgotten about it. Patrick didn’t have a problem with us making payments on the $900.00 bill we have with him. That helps.

What else happened today? Other than this computer aggravating me to the point of cussing and throwing a pen I can’t think of anything. Oh yeah I can. The county extension agent for Martin county returned my call from Friday. He had allot of good information that helps me with the business plan and generally deciding what direction we should focus on. I’ll get into that later. Time to get Denise’s computer.
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The only thing wrong with her computer was a cord to the hard drive came loose. They didn’t even charge me for it. Great people.

I can’t remember if I told you but the other day I found a brand new microwave next to our dumpster. It was still in the box. I brought it in on the off chance it would work. Kinda wondered if it had been stolen and left there because someone was in a hurry. Nope. When I came in Fred came out of his door and told me it was the one he had bought for Barb. It didn’t work and K mart wouldn’t take it back because they were closing the store so he stuck it out there. I plugged it in to see if I could make it work but had no luck. I called Nate to see if he wanted it cause I know he is pretty good at fixin stuff. “Bring it over” he said.

Cherie wanted to go with me so off we went. Nate wasn’t in so we went in and visited with mom and dad. It was a pretty good visit. I was sharp, running at a nine or so on the Bob scale. We talked about the farm and other stuff I don’t recall at the moment. Cherie’s sister Cathy came home from the school she works at. She had a handful of stuff she printed out for me regarding pecan orchards and other farm things. She is not only a big help but quite excited to do this as it is her education and something she loves. She teaches agriculture stuff at the charter school she works at. I will go over there tomorrow to visit and look at the greenhouse and stuff. Want to learn as much as I can and she is eager to teach.

While there someone rang the doorbell. I was next to the door and answered it. There was a young black man there and he asked if he could have the microwave that was in the driveway. At first I thought it was the stainless steel one I had just brought over but it was the white one in the garbage we saw when we drove in. I asked Cathy and she said it was trash so he could have it. I was impressed he had come to the door and asked permission instead of just taking it out of the garbage. Nate came home shortly after that so I told him about this. He went out to make sure nothing else was gone. Well there was. A couple of stainless tubs or something I couldn’t quite get that were in the same pile of garbage were gone. Nate wasn’t happy. I feel bad about it but think the guy had figured they were garbage because they were in the same area so he did not purposely steal. The stainless microwave was still where I put it along with a bag of aluminum cans and other things someone would steal. I should have gone out and watched the guy but figured he wasn’t a thief cause he had come to the door.

Anyway, besides that it was a good visit. Mom said she was glad we stopped by several times. Dad seemed more comfortable with me also. That was good to see. I told them that when we get the rest of the inheritance we planned on taking them all out to dinner before we go to Texas.

After that I took Cherie to K mart cause they had a sale going on and she wanted to look at some shirts. They didn’t have anything she wanted so after looking around we came home. I enjoy every moment with her, even shopping. I am not a shopper and go into a store to get a particular item and leave but with Cherie I am content to follow her around as she looks at everything.

Cherie went online and looked at the homestead site I’ve been participating in. I have encouraged her to do this because I feel it is a great community that we should be a part of. Actually I am already a part of it but think it would be good for her also. She has bookmarked the site now. She read much of it and some of my posts of different forums. I heard her laughing allot as she perused different areas.

It is almost one in the morning now. I am wide awake and sharp. My fingers are dancing on this keyboard which is a good indicator of my brain function. It’s a shame it’s so late. I talked to Allen today and will go see him tomorrow. He’s been depressed for a few days so I’ve pressed him to let me come over. Tried to get him to go to a movie but there isn’t much to see. I just want to get him out of his hole and isolation to help overcome this latest bout of depression. Downloaded some stuff from the Chronic Pain organization I joined to get information and help for him. Printed some of it up to take with me. I think I will post this and read the stuff Cathy gave me now. Then I should go to sleep whether I feel like it or not.

Good morning world

8/20/06 Sunday
Good morning world. Not doing bad this morning though I did wake up with a headache. We will take the computer Jeff donated over to Denise today. About time. I’ve had it for two months now. Maybe we will make it to the park today. Haven’t gone there since before we went to Texas.

I’ve been spending a lot of time on the
Homestead site lately and have been expressing my view of things. Kinda nervous about that cause expressing my opinion has caused many problems before. They are good people and I think many are kindred spirits but I don’t keep my history a secret. We’ll see how it goes. Time to get a shower and moving.
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Went to Denise’s with the computer. We visited and as always were deeply touched by her humor and courage in the face of this disease. I worked on getting the new computer hooked up and when I turned it on got a message saying the hard drive was unavailable. Nuts. Gotta take it back to the shop tomorrow.

Taking Denise to the park was fun but short lived. Forgot how bad the mosquitoes can be, especially after all the rain we had. I had forgotten to take the cell phone so when Cherie tried to call to say they were going to stop by the house and pick some up there was no answer. We took both the truck and her car because there isn’t room for Denise’s wheelchair in Cherie’s car so I carried the wheelchair and Cherie took Denise. After the mosquitoes chased us out of the park we stopped at Shivers for ice cream. Denise insisted on buying. As we talked she told us about how her parents charge her $180.00 a month to stay there and when they take her out to a restaurant she must pay for her own meal. It boggles our minds that parents would treat their child that way. I know Denise is 42 years old but she is slowly dying from the MS. Hers is primary progressive just like Wayne’s so it is a steady downhill slide.

We got her home after stopping to buy the lottery tickets she wanted. She got three scratch offs and three Mega Millions. I hope she wins. There is one ticket for each of us but if the one she gave me wins I’ll give it to her.

We are both tired so I’ll call it a day. Night all.

Good start for the day

8/19/06 Saturday
Not a bad morning at all. Cherie and I went to Menard’s and looked at washers, dryers, stoves, fridges, and other things we dream about having at the farm. Didn’t buy anything but shampoo but got lots of ideas we will investigate. Mostly go to Direct Buy to see if they have the same brands. I already know the prices will be much better.

When we came home the guy I met yesterday was outside and came over to talk. He asked if I could cash his check for him. I wouldn’t but drove him to a check cashing place. We talked a bit and I learn he has five felony convictions and is on SSI for ADD, ADHD, Bi Polar, and who knows what else. He isn’t wrapped to tight but I can deal with that. I told him to keep going to church cause he needs what religion can provide as long as he doesn’t get crapped on like Cherie and I did.

Cherie went back out to shop. I am not sure what I will do. Cherie called he parents and found out that Jeremy lied when he went to court. Not to bright. He said the lady with the city, whom he is in court for, changed her story. Not a surprise. Can’t say much more as I just have a rudimentary idea of what happened so that means I don’t really know. Nate is sick and his dad is in town. That explains why he hasn’t returned my call. It is almost three and I am wearing out as I often do halfway through the day. I suppose it’s time for my nap. Sounds like I am a kid in kindergarten who has to take a nap. Don’t like it but from what I read on brain injury it is part of the territory. I sure miss when I would run eighty hours a week with my companies and still had energy to do other things. Now I feel like…Oh well. No pity party allowed here. I am lucky to be alive and blessed on top of that.

Confusing start.

8/18/06 Friday
Started out ok. Forgot the dishwater I was pouring so who know how long it was running. Because I had flooded the apartment a few times before I had gotten a plastic dish tub so the water would spill over and go down the drain. It was a good idea to compensate for my forgetting what I was doing two minutes prior and saved another flood.

I decided to go to Harbor Freight to look at lights for the trailer. I know it is on Reynolds Rd. so drove down it figuring I would see their store. Didn’t see it the whole length of Reynolds so I went to Lowe’s to price wire for the trailer. This turned out to be hard as I wasn’t able to deal with the myriad of isles, signs, and choices. It is the same thing I often experience in a grocery store complete with the dizzy head spinning thing. I had found the wire section but by that time wasn’t functioning well so had to leave. I drove carefully home. On the way I saw Harbor Freights sign. It is at the corner of Reynolds and Heatherdowns, right next to Murray’s Auto Parts where I often go to buy stuff. In fact I was just there a couple of days ago. This short term memory loss is a pain to say the least and makes things harder than they need to be. Oh well, that’s the way it is so I will deal with it. I’ve gotten good at compensating for it by making careful notes and developing routines but that doesn’t cover every contingency.

I am running at a 6 or so on the Bob scale. Not good but much better than a couple of days ago. Just called the county extension agent for Martin county in Texas. He is the one who has information on soil samples and stuff, at least I think he is. I talked to the receptionist who let me know the guy is out to lunch so I gave her my number for him to call. It is 1:00 now. I think I should lay down for a bit. I’ll take some aspirin first for the mild headache.

I called Wayne cause he wanted me to take him to cash his check. He said he was laying down cause he had been up since five this morning so would go later today. I said that wouldn’t work. I was free now and planned on being busy later. Hope he understood.
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3:30 – The nap may have helped a little or maybe not. Still not very sharp. Wayne called and woke me up. He said that he may have accidentally taken his sleeping pills and that was why he was so groggy. He also said that he was going to have surgery for his bladder. I don’t quite figure that because this is a result of his visit with oncology a week or so ago. It just be some simple procedure because he is not going through a battery of tests that are usually given for surgery. Who knows. Wayne gets mixed up often and has been known to stretch things a bit.

I called the county extension agent back but his receptionist said he did not come back from lunch. I suppose he will be in Monday.

I am trying to figure out what to do now. I suppose I could go to Harbor Freight and look at lights and stuff but don’t really feel like going out in public right now. Maybe after I wake up more I’ll be up to it.

Never left the house. Stayed running slow, in fact I slowed down a little more. When Cherie came home we talked about that. It seems that things go in cycles. I might have a few weeks with almost no slow downs and then have a week or so that is pretty rough. It’s been rough the last few days. I’m due for some clear weather in this brain.

Cherie and I talked about the business plan and for that matter the written plan for everything we must make. She will research and price everything we will need in the furniture and house stuff like washers and things. That will be a big help. Will need that for the bank.

It figures that this brain clears up when it’s 10:30 at night. Would have loved to be this clear during the day when I could get stuff done. I’m going to work on the business plan now so this will be the last post of the day

A much better day

One must take care on his path for there are always dangers waiting to steal, kill, and destroy. Choose carefully where you tread.

8/17/06 Thursday
I am doing much better this morning. Didn’t sleep well, a bit restless but I don’t care as long as I am fairly sharp this morning. Running a 7 on the Bob scale. I hope to get lots done as I always hope. One of the things I want to do is research Pistachio nuts. They evidently thrive in 100 degree temperatures and sandy soil. That sounds good to me and judging from their cost in the store it might be a profitable product. I think I will go on line now and Google Pistachio to learn more.

Some how that didn’t happen. Some distraction or another. It doesn’t take much. I am still doing pretty good today and getting some stuff done. I am pissed at myself for going where I shouldn’t on the internet. Not good. This is an old fight and one that I have been successful at winning but…. You know, if you feed a monster it will grow. Keep feeding it and it will get stronger and end up devouring you. That goes for all addictions, whether drugs, alcohol, gambling, or anything else that can take over your life. When one is able to say “no” he can control his world and destiny.
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We are getting ready to go to see the Broadway play “Mama Mia”. Cherie is having a hell of a time getting her make up on. Nothing is working right. I think she lost a contact also and had to find it.

I worked on the trailer today, chipping rust off the frame to get a solid surface for the stuff that will chemically react with the rust, thus sealing it and preventing further degradation.

Just got back from the play. Well worth the 120.00 bucks, at least to me. Cherie has been fighting some depression the last few days so this was just what the doctor ordered. She laughed, gasped, and had a great time. I enjoyed it also. Abba’s music has always been a favorite of mine and it was cleverly woven into the play which was actually written for the music. The talent of the actors, not just in the acting but with their voices enhanced this as well.

As it was intended to do the play evoked emotions and for me memories. I was surprised when I looked at the grey haired old lady next to me and saw her bobbing her head vigorously to the music. In fact I noticed the audience was very lively. I dimly remember going to a high school play that my son Bruce was in. The only other play I have seen was the original Grease that my mother took me to in Chicago during the 70’s on one of the rare times I saw her in my life. For some reason I had expected these older and more cultured folks to be staid and reserved. It’s a whole new world for me.

As the play dealt with subjects of old loves lost and then regained twenty one years later I couldn’t help but correlate it with Cherie and I. For us it was twenty five years. Still a wonder to us both.

I am tired and the back pain is at a high level so will call it a night. Actually it is well past my bed time, 11:34. Plus I didn’t take a nap this afternoon.

Slow this morning.

7/16/06 Wednesday
I am groggy this morning. Kind of thick headed with some remnants of last nights headache remaining. It's almost like a mild hangover only I don't drink. Come to think of it, brain damage is very much like being on drugs and alcohol. I have the confusion and the symptoms of a hangover with out the "good" feelings that come with a buzz.

I don’t have anything scheduled but am thinking of painting the rusty areas of the trailer with an anti rust compound similar to Loctite Extend. This chemically bonds with the rust and prevents it from continuing. I also plan on getting carriage bolts to bolt the floor boards down. Hope I clear up some. Running about a 5 on the Bob scale. Working on the business plan will be difficult when I am like this cause I will lose my train of thought often, forgetting what I just read or was going to write. Sometimes getting out and walking will help.
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It’s 11:00 and I am still feeling rough and slow. This sucks. The headache, while not at migraine level, is still there. The brain is still only running at a five on the Bob scale, maybe even a four. It’s hard to tell until I have to interact with someone. These times scare me as I wonder if I will be able to handle the farm. I will get out and drive around to see if that helps. Maybe I’ll go to Andersons to buy the carriage bolts but going into that kind of environment is hard when I’m like this. Too much going on around me. Driving may not be a good idea cause my reaction times are real slow and I can get confused. I hoped it would clear up by now. This may end up being another lost day.
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4:12 – It wasn’t a total loss. I spent the last five hours researching for the farm. I know I won’t remember much of what I read but it is downloaded in this laptop so I can go back and read and read again till it stays in this brain. I can learn just have to work at it harder than most. I found most of the material on pecan orchards from the New Mexico State University. At least I think it was them. All I really know is that it was from New Mexico. I figure that it is relevant because they are only a hundred miles or so away so the climates are similar.

I still have the headache and am slow running a five on the scale. Never got better than that. I stayed indoors all day, didn’t feel like venturing out while in this state. I get embarrassed when I must interact with others because I feel stupid and get lost. Have a hard time making basic decisions. I haven’t watched TV all day and kept at researching farm stuff. Took more aspirin but they don’t seem to help. I save the Tramadol for the migraines cause I can’t get more. That prescription was canceled a year ago and I still have a few left, mostly because of my paranoia of pain pills. Maybe if I smoked a joint it would help but can’t do that. I suppose it is time to lay down. Cherie will be home in a half hour.
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8:30 and I am finally cleared up. Lost another day. Always hate when that happens but what the hey, I’m alive and five years ago I wasn’t. I may not like these problems but regardless I am blessed.

Just checked the Mapstats on the blog and it has been a busy day. I had visitors from Austria, Switzerland, Luxembourg, Spain, the Yukon in Canada, as well as all over the states. I am sure some just ran into the blog as they hit the “Next Blog” button but many did searches for my blog or were referred by regular readers. Still blows me away that there is this much interest in our lives.

It’s been a rough day folks so I will call it a night. Thanks for visiting.

Up early, hope to keep moving

8/15/06 Tuesday
It is 3:45 in the morning. I just woke up and knowing it would be hard to go back to sleep got up and fixed a pot of Bob coffee, grabbing the first cup while it was still being made. I got allot of sleeping in yesterday so I suppose that is why I am awake and semi alert this morning. This cup of strong coffee should take care of the semi alert part.

Looking in my calendar I see that Cherie made some notes of things I need to do. That is such a huge help for me cause if she just asked me I would forget. The odds of something happening are greatly increased when it is written down. As much as I hate admitting it this brain damage is a disability. Without a written schedule I wander from one distraction to another and little or nothing gets done.

I had another visitor to the blog from the law firm in Omaha that has put me down as recommended reading on their website. I still am amazed at that and hopeful this will help others with traumatic brain injuries. Part of me wonders if it gives a fair perspective for many of the others I have met with TBI are in much worse shape than I am. Yet at the same time everyone who knows tells me how much I have improved over the last five years. This brain is constantly rewiring itself and thus improving. I reckon that will give hope to those readers who have TBI and their parents and caretakers. Hang with it guys, time and compassion mixed with understanding will bring a steady improvement. It just moves so slow that it is hard to see, especially by yourself. Outsiders, who don’t deal with you day to day, can see the improvement better than you. For all of us, brain injured or not, the hardest thing to see is yourself. A good mirror, coming in the form of a friend who tells you the truth, is a valuable tool to help us see ourselves as others do. I am always grateful for those who tell me “Hey, you were wrong”. This was invaluable as I struggled to learn how to act, what is appropriate and what is not.

I started working on the business plan yesterday. The guide Cathy got me sometime in the recent past is a tremendous help but also shows me that I have much research to do. I need to schedule times for me to work on this so it actually gets done.

Later today I will go get tickets to see the musical play “Mama Mia” at the Stranahan Theatre. Cherie and I had talked about it when I told her that I would like to take her. We won’t find as much of this kind of entertainment in West Texas. The population is too low to draw many big name shows and bands. That’s ok as I suspect we will be pretty busy so I want to take advantage of as much as I can while we are here in Toledo. Too bad money is so tight.

I hope my energy level stays up despite my being awake so early. I suspect that I am or was fighting something off cause my pillow was soaking wet last night. I will post this and get on the business plan. Got to stay focused because one distraction and I am off doing something else. This time of day, 3:40 AM, will help cause there are few things to catch my attention now. Time to post. By the way, for the record I am running at a 7 on the Bob scale. That is average, not real good but not slow either. I take what I can get.
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It’s 11:30 now. I got the tickets to Mama Mia. They were $61.00 each. A bit more than I expected but well worth the joy Cherie will get out of it and of course I get to share that joy with her. Can’t go wrong. As I am prone to do I told the ticket lady about how Cherie and I had again found each other. She said it would make a good movie so I told her I was writing a book. I tell everyone that and really intend to but haven’t gotten much done, maybe twenty pages. I’ve got 975 pages on this journal which details much of our love story, at least the part where we get back together. The lady said hearing of our story gave her goose bumps.

I called Nate a little after 10:00 but got his voice mail. He told me to call about nine or ten but he often is up late so I figure he might be still sleeping. Don’t know. I called Cathy and got no answer there so I decided to hook up the trailer and take it over. Just when I was getting done the phone rang. It was Cherie and she said she would be coming home for lunch so I decided to stay home so we cold eat lunch together.

Cherie just got here. Her smile when she saw the tickets was one that melts my heart. Of course her smile always does that anyway. I’ll post this and enjoy lunch.
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Dropped the trailer off at the folks house. Nate wasn’t up so I visited with mom and dad a bit. We talked about the Mama Mia musical I’m taking Cherie to and then about other plays they had seen. After that I loaded up the old wood from the trailer floor so I can dump it in the dumpster at the apartment. I haven’t yet cause they are mowing and it looks like the manager is here from the car in the parking lot. I read my E-mail. I am falling asleep as I sit at this computer. Suppose it is nap time.
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Nate called me at about 3:00. I went over and we discussed what to do. I started brushing the dirt off the angle iron that made up the frame. Then I could see the steel better and what I saw didn’t look good. I got my hammer and started beating on the frame to knock loose the rust. It was an awful lot of rust and the angle iron at the front of the trailer was the worst. I called Nate to look at it and he agreed it didn’t look good. We decided to weld the braces we were already going to install in such a way that they would add support to the rusty section.

I ran to the store to pick up a saw blade for Nate’s circular saw. There was a pack of five blades on sale so I got that. I figure he could use them and besides that he is busting his ass working on the trailer. Jeremy stopped by and brought the tires he was going to sell me for the trailer. Come to find out they were not all the same size so I didn’t get them. I figure it will be two or three months before we head to Texas so we have plenty of time to find some tires. Jeremy helped us a little on the trailer. He is kind of scattered. Jumping from subject to subject and definitely hyper. Doesn’t set still at all. Reminds me of folks who do lots of drugs.

Nate got the support braces welded in and then we cut the Wolmanized 2x12’s to fit in the trailer. With a little manipulative hammer and crowbar work we got the floor in. Nate was still wanting to go but I was getting pretty tired. It was only about three hours we worked on this but it doesn’t seem to take much to drain me. Of course I have been unusually tired for a few days now so that doesn’t help. Sinuses have been running and I think I had a fever yesterday. Who knows, all I know is I am tired and despite taking a three hour nap this afternoon feel like going to sleep now.

I think I will post this and do some research for the business plan. Need to check out the pecan industry. Already found a few sites but they don’t have the info I need. There is so much to do and I don’t seem to be very good at doing it. I’ve got another headache but it is not at migraine level so I can still function.

What happened yesterday??

8/13/06 Sunday
I’ve got allot of catching up to do. Yesterday was very busy with lots going on.

8/14/06 Monday
So much for catching up. Right now I am at MUO with Wayne. I brought him here for something in Oncology. I would guess that is a colon exam. Don’t know how long that will take but hope I have time to at least update this journal.

Yesterday ? What did I do? I remember running to Lowe’s with Nate to pick up some wood for the floor of the trailer. We looked at nuts, bolts, and steel. Nate said the prices were high so we should go get them at Anderson’s. I don’t know if we went or not. Nate has done lots of work on the trailer, beefing it up real good.

These pictures of the trailer are from Saturday. Cherie didn't get any pictures of Nate though he did 90% of the work.

Now I remember something. Cherie and I went to the Rib Off at the Rec Center. We had two half slabs of ribs. The first sucked but the second booth we went to was great. It was labeled as Texas Outlaw. I had a beer and Cherie a pop. The band was pretty bad and way to loud so we found a seat behind a trailer that blocked some of the sound. After that we went over to Cherie’s folks house to see how Nate was doing.

I know there was more than that done yesterday but this is all I can access in my memories. More may show up later. I am going back to the business plan for the farm. Saying that helps me remember that Cathy, Cherie’s sister, gave me a paper on putting together a business plan for the farm. Lots to it.

There is Wi-Fi here at the hospital so I will post this and some of the pictures of the trailer work.

That didn’t work for some reason so I had to shut down and start this laptop up again. I’ll try to get online now.
Figured something out. Some how this computer had set itself to work offline.

Alright. I just went and looked at my pictures to find things to put on the blog. I saw the pictures from the M.S. party so that memory was accessed. That happened Saturday and I see that I did not mention it in Saturday’s entry. That was a good thing for Wayne to go to and it was also good to reconnect with others in the group. Many of them had thought we had already moved to Texas so were surprised to see us. I got to talking about how Cherie and I got back together and that led to a little of my past. I think I may have shocked a few folks when they heard of prison and things.

Denise wanted to go to the rib off because a well known country singer was playing that night. I looked at Cherie and we silently agreed so I told Denise we would take her. That started a kind of confusion as Denise tried to get others to go. I had to take Wayne home so I told Cherie to hang tight and get things figured out.

The people who brought Denise to the party decided they would take her to the rib off and would call us when they arrived at the rec center. We went home and waited, and waited. I knew the concert started at 8:00 so presumed we would not get called when that time passed. Cherie and I both were tired and not terribly disappointed when the phone rang. It was them so Cherie politely said we would not make it.

That was Saturday. Sunday's memory is still not there.

That seemed to take a lot out of me. After Wayne got done having the doctors poke around his but he bought me some Arby’s. Then I took him to the license place to get a handicap sticker. With that done I took him home and picked up his mail. It seems things are moving forward for him to get his hearing. I went over the stuff Social Security sent Wayne and told him to call the attorney to let her know what he got. I encouraged Wayne to keep a to do list handy and to use it daily.

Wayne had some blocks of lead that he and his son were going to make fishing weights with. He asked if I wanted them cause he was throwing them away. I called Nate to see if he had a use and he does so I brought them to him. Then I came home. Cherie called to see if I was going over to her parents when she got off work. Yeah I’ll do that so we can work on the trailer more. I think I will take a nap right now.

This day has ended a little rough. I went and laid down, napping for an hour or two. Cherie came home from work and fixed something to eat. She could tell I was tired just from looking at my face. I called Nate to see if he wanted to work on the trailer. He called back to let me know the neighbors were complaining about him working late but would be free all day tomorrow. That worked well for me cause I wasn’t up to speed.

I ended up having a migraine, the kind where I turn off the lights and TV. Still have it at 10:30. Took some of the over the counter sleeping pills and another Tramadol for the migraine. Hope I sleep well. Night all.

Might get something done.

8/12/06 Saturday
Nate said he would be able to help me figure stuff out with the trailer and was free until….Can’t remember. I’ll have to go back and look at the blog and see. Moving a little slow this morning so need to kick myself in the ass and get moving a bit faster. Probably ought to scramble three eggs for a quick protein injection. Shower, shave, wash dishes, vacuum the mud I tracked in, hook up the trailer, and head over to see Nate.

Don’t have time to write in this journal now so got to go.

What to do.

8/11/06 Friday
I am unsure of what to do this morning. I can think of several things I need to do and remember things I never got around to doing. It’s a wonder I get anything done at all. That’s why I have to make lists every day, no, should make lists every day cause I don’t make them enough. Those days nothing happens as I wander, doing whatever has my attention and seeing something else work on it, forgetting what I was doing before. Hell I forget to eat. In fact I should fix something now before the thought vanishes like a puff of smoke. “Woooshe” it’s gone.

I need to buy tires for the trailer. Will go to Crissey Rd Auto Parts for that. Not sure how to tackle the rest of the floor on the trailer. Need to crawl under it to see how things are put together.

I also should go see Nate. He is fairly well hooked up as far as knowing where to go to get something done and knows how to do stuff that I’m not to sharp on. There’s allot of stuff I am no longer sharp on nowadays.

To do list;
Get tires
Grease
Lights
Draw up business plan****
Draw map of farm.
Eat breakfast (Do that now dummy)
Get gas
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2:26 – That wasn’t fun. When I went to get gas at Kroger I was expecting to get ten cents a gallon off the price with my Kroger card. Instead I got three cents. I confronted the clerk at the gas window but all she could say was “Well the computer says your not qualified”. Great, I got my receipt and drove straight to the main store. Going up to the customer service counter I voice my problem. I’m kind of an ass when pissed off. She got out some form and asked lots of questions to fill it out. “No, they can’t give a refund till I fax this to Columbus and they fax back a response. That’s how it’s done” was her response to my lets hurry up question. I wait, get handed back my receipt, and am told “Thank you, that’s all. You can go now”.

I came home to get the tire sizes. Cherie was home from work and boy is she tired. She’s been on her feet all day and I could see it in her face. I need to do something for her. I got it!!! I’ll make the meatballs I told her I’d do yesterday or so ago. We visited and she left to get back to work.

I got in the truck and headed out to get some tires. I know I don’t do well in unfamiliar places but didn’t expect it to be this bad. Walking in I told a lady who asked that I needed two tires. I was told to sign in and some guy who ran something there said go around back. OK. I signed in and walked around to the gate. Going through I looked up and saw piles of cars, motors, and tires. I waited for the guy who told me to come back there but no one showed up so I waited. Then I walked out in the junk yard looking at tires. “Do I take them off myself? How does this work?” ran through my head. I kept hoping someone would say “Can I help you?”. I was lost.

Here’s the strange part of this. Before the coma the BMV records show me as owning thirty four cars in seven years. I was always buying and fixing up cars. If not my own but Barb’s (My second wife), Bruce’s (Oldest son), and Adam’s. I had gone to Robbie Diller’s junk yard on Holland Sylvania many times and had hit Crissey Rd a few times also but I don’t remember it. Now I don’t know the routines, how things work, I am lost and it doesn’t feel well.

I went back up to the desk, looked at the lady behind the counter and said “I’ve never been here before so don’t know how it works. I went around the back and looked around so what do I do?”. She got some guy on the radio and he came in to fetch me. I am packed into a little bitty truck with some other guy who was looking for a part. Unfortunately this guy was huge. I couldn’t get the door to close so I hung on to it as we bounced wildly between the rows of cannibalized cars, trying not to swing out of the truck as we made a sharp left turn.

Big boy gets his part first and makes the decision to walk back to the office instead of hugging me in the truck. Works for me. Now his radio crackles to life. He has a part to get out now so I tag along cause I have no choice in the matter. Not jumping out of a moving truck.

He arrives at a white Volkswagen and “Sure enough” my guide says “It’s going to be a bitch. Larry doesn’t call me unless it’s a hard one”. I correctly interpreted that as “This is going to take a while”. It did. I am able to settle down a little, becoming less disorientated for the 45 minutes he fought the car.

Finally he got done and went to find me tires. I couldn’t keep up with his conversation as he would ask questions too fast. Not a good time. I mentioned seeing tires on a white van so we went there. I picked two tires just because they were a right size. Didn’t look at them closely, just want to get out of here.

Somehow this dim mind thought ten dollars was an appropriate price. Don’t have a clue where that came from but it was wrong. Up front I was told $25.00 each. I am having a problem processing this so say nothing. Looking up I said “I’ll have to go think about it. I’ll come back later. I only have forty with me” as I walked to the door. The guy who helped me said forty might be ok and asked Larry on the radio. Yeah it’s a go.

Now that I look at the tires I see they are not in good shape. I hate when this happens. I get lost and just have to get out and this time I got some poor tires. That’s why the farm will be good because everything will be familiar and a lot less hectic.

I think I will post this and work on the meatballs. No. I just remembered I have the truck backed up to the trailer to work on it. I don’t think I will now. I’m just goint to park the truck. Last night someone stole one of Ahmed’s tires off his Camero. Evidently they had a flat as indicated by the rim with a sliver of tire left around it that was used to hold the Camero up. I guess the car alarm was going off but these guys didn’t care.

This has been trying on me and I am tired.

Busy? Probably

Look carefully to find the indians on horseback.
(I think you'll find clicking on this to make it larger well worth the effort.

8/10/06 Thursday
It will be a busy day I think. Cherie left directions on how to do laundry so I will get on that this morning. Got to get a roll of quarters first. Then I will start tearing the floor out of the trailer.

I wonder if I could make a face with a little paint here?

I called Wayne this morning and asked if he would like to help me work on the trailer. I know he can’t do much but figured he would enjoy being out. That reminds me. I need to call about the lunch brunch, to see if they are having it. Better do that now before I forget.

You can see how old this trailer is. They haven't used this type of trailer hitch for decades

Just got off the phone with the lunch bunch lady. They aren’t meeting at the ground round cause they are doing the party this Saturday instead. Time to post this and start moving.
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I just came in from removing the top layer of the floor in the trailer. This started out poorly. I told Cherie when she was heading back to work from lunch that I would hook up to the trailer without anyone to give me directions. She said I should wait till she got off work but I claimed it would be no problem. By golly I did it to. I’d back close and get out to see how close I was and then jump back in to shift the truck around and get closer. After going around this circle for a bit I was finally close enough to hook up.
Getting the trailer attached I jumped in the truck to move it close to the dumpster. “Something isn’t right here” I told myself as the truck struggled to move. I heard some popping noises so got out to see what was going on. “Damn” I said when I saw the 12 foot of chain Cherie and I had purchased last night to secure the trailer. It was still attached between the two wheels and the suspension I had chained but had made a journey around the wheel as I pulled forwards. It’s a good chain. You can see the skid marks of the tires as well as the small trenches the lock and chains had dozed up for five feet. Nah, I didn’t take a picture of that. If you really want one let me know and I’ll go out and take it.

I’ve got another one of those splitting headaches. Second one in two days. It didn’t take me long to turn into a ball of sweat out there. The floor came up easy enough, just in lots of little pieces which made it more work. Why they put particle board on I don’t know. It was just a moist crumbling mess soaked with goat pee now. Lots of carpenter ants living in this floor. The are scurrying to get the eggs to safety as I rip up the floor.

I quickly understand how out of shape I am or how bad I had hurt myself in the wreck five years ago when I do stuff. Tough, this is good for me cause I need to get my lazy ass motivated. Besides that it is exercise. I read that it is good for you. Can’t tell at the moment but the pain will go away.

If you want to see a complete pictorial go to the blog we created to show what happens on this journey.Creating the Dream.

I went to post this and found myself nodding off as I waited for the computer to load. Pretty tired. Think I may have to nap. Seems wimpy but that’s the way it is. Always wish for the stamina I once had.

Going to Indiana...

8/9/06 Wednesday
Cherie announced she was going to take a day off work and go with me. I protested that I didn’t need to be watched by a mother hen and she said “That’s not it. This is important, this is our lives”. She sees buying this trailer as a momentous time in our journey to Texas. I like that and she’s right about wanting to go. She can take pictures also.

Cherie’s rushing to get ready so we will be leaving soon. I think I’ll take this laptop in case I can do the wi fi link up somewhere on the road. Time to pack it up.
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We made it back. A hundred and ninety miles each way so that was six hours of driving. The trailer is rough with many needs but despite that it was a steal. The axles alone are worth more than the $600 I paid for the trailer. We stopped at Cherie’s folks house when we came home. Nate and Jeremy were just pulling up when we arrived. They were astounded at the trailer. It went something like "Whoa!! you got a good deal". I like hearing that. Of course I do, we all could use an "attaboy" now and then. Sure it’s got some major bad spots but they are mostly cosmetic. Rust and some parts that need to be screwed back on.



We stopped for something to eat and saw new trailers for sale at a farm supply place so pulled up to check them out. This little skinny atrophied thing is $899.00. This trailer next to it is marked $1299.00. Over twice what we paid for ours and it only has one axle, a rather wimpy one.




Yeah we did good. Helps to be lucky or blessed, whatever you call it.

I am tired. Will take the trailer to the car wash and clean it out. I’ll write more later.

Not keeping up well

8/8/06 Tuesday
Not keeping up with this journal well. Just got back from Anderson’s where I bought what I think I will need to get the truck wired for a trailer. Part of that is a cordless drill. Kind of hated to get that cause I when I start buying tools I want to invest in higher quality items. They just last better and do a better job. I looked around and got a Campbell Hausfeld drill cause it was 18 volts whereas the other cheap drills were 12 volt. I also knew they make a decent air compressor. Come to find out it is American made and came with two battery packs. Might not be as good as the two hundred dollar cordless drills but for fifty bucks it’ll do the job.

Crawled under the truck and had just started stripping the wires in preparation for splicing them in when the lawn crew showed up. I backed the truck till the rear end was over the narrow strip of grass and the end of the parking space. This gave me a comfortable place to lay as I worked beneath the truck. I hear the big power mowers start and someone else begins to pull the rope on a weedwacker. It sputters to life as I turn my head to gaze down the four foot wide strip of grass. “That needs to be cut” I think as it dawns that I should probably take a break now. I will have to get this done by tonight cause tomorrow I go to Indiana to pick up the trailer.

Speaking of that, I’m glad I remembered to get the money order for the trailer cause when I went to the bank they said I couldn’t get one for that much. The check from Texas hadn’t cleared yet so they couldn’t issue a money order till it did. “Nut” I thought and I explained that I needed the money order for the trailer I am purchasing tomorrow. The clerk called a manager over and she at first said they couldn’t but she remembered me and started trying to find a way to get it done. She called, checked, looked at our history and the five or six accounts we have. “All you want is the $500?” she asked me. “Yeah” I responded hopefully. “I think we can do that” she said to my great relief. I figure that if I had to I would write Cherie a check that she could cash at someplace else to get a money order. By the time the check came in the other check would have cleared and if it didn’t we’re still covered by the overdraft protection. Glad it worked out.

Now what? I think they are done mowing so I can work on the truck but it’s 5:00 and Cherie will be home from work so I’ll stay put up here.

8:17 – Just got done with the wiring on the truck. At least I hope so. Won’t have a clue till I plug the trailer in. That will be the test.

I’ve got a kicking headache now. Not good and it’s growing. Might hit migraine level. That’s whatever I decide is a migraine but I have a pretty good tolerance of pain. Turn off the lights and crawl into bed with no TV or nothing, That’s a migraine.

Cherie said she was going out and did. I asked her where she was going and she said she didn’t know. That’s strange to me. I always try to have a plan when I leave the house. Oh well, I hope she’s having fun.
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I’m going to take pictures of the trailer hitch and plug. Took me all day to do what should have only taken minutes. It’s hard sometimes so I go real slow and deliberate and start over when I forget what I was doing. This headache is bad.

I tried to bundle the wires and tape them up so they are out of the way.

It’s after midnight now. I finally downloaded the pictures of the truck as if it will interest anyone. Just want to keep a record of the events in our lives. I am tired and will go to bed when I get this posted. I noticed the titles of the last entries and they say allot by themselves. Who knows what the day holds, A month behind, wandering through the day, and yesterdays entry “not keeping up well”. That’s the way it is.

Tomorrow I go to get the trailer. Cherie wants to go in the worst way. I can’t see her taking a day off to go pick up a trailer. If she really wants to she can. Time to post and go to sleep.

Wandered through a day

8/7/06 Monday
I have wandered through a whole day and made it to the end. It’s 8:45 PM now. Cherie was exhausted. I cooked the Salisbury steaks as hamburgers for Cherie. It was what she had planned on fixing but was pretty wiped. She fixed pears with cottage cheese after though she didn’t feel at all like doing it. It was good. I laid in bed a while and came out to check on her. She was sleeping as she sat upright at her computer. The screen read “Server cannot not be found” as I stroked her cheek to wake her…”OK, That didn’t phase her. I’ll stroke a little harder”. Finally she stirred and looked around trying to get her bearings. “Honey, why don’t you go to bed” I said as I led her mumbling “I’m tired” to the bedroom. She laid down and disappeared into a much needed sleep. That’s where she is now. I wanted to watch the new “Prison Escape” show and something else but she’s asleep.

Nope! Now she’s up. Every time we look into each others eyes all I can think to say is “Damn”. I can’t believe still that we are back together. Just blows me away.

What happened today?? I don’t know at the moment but let me work on that. The calendar helps me remember. It first had a note to call Jeff Lemke but I never did that. Then…”That’s right! I took Fred shopping” the memory appears when I see that scheduled. I took Fred to the Dollar Tree and then to the Kroger on Detroit he likes. It was as usual and I helped him through the list he so carefully made. The list helps a lot.

I was going to take Wayne to cash his check but he called to tell me he had a blood sugar problem and would take a nap. Not good. I went on a quest to find a 2” trailer ball that would fit the commercial bumper on the Silverado. I tried em all. Walmart, Walmart super store, Lowe’s, Home Depot, Menards, Sam’s Club, and gave up. Came home and let my fingers do the walking. It was near the corner of Airport and Reynolds and I drove by it several times on the quest.

Put the trailer ball on and looked at the wiring for the trailer hookup. Hmmm. Got’s some figurin to do.

Now it is 11:00 at night. Didn’t get much written. Will try to fill in the day tomorrow.

A month behind

7/6/06 Sunday, NO-It's 8/6/06
Can’t believe it is already 11:00. Cherie and I are both taking it easy and enjoying a relaxed morning. I went online and ordered my meds from the VA. Also briefly explored a link to the Farm Services site that mentions loans for beginning farmers. That fits my description I think.

We don’t have any definite plans for today. I will write the letters to the collection agencies to explore possible identity theft and inform them of the bankruptcy. Then I hope to outline the letter for the legal issues Cherie’s family is facing. Yesterday was a lost day. The slow down pretty much robbed me of the ability to accomplish much of anything. Hate it when I lose a day. It is much better than before when I would not be functional for 4 out of 7 days. That was three years ago so I’ve come a long way. Hope I keep on improving. The blood pressure medicine helped the migraines and perhaps the slow downs as well.

Time to get writing.

That’s embarrassing. I was looking at my calendar and thought I had been putting entries on the wrong month. I thought it was July and evidently had that impression since the third of the month because all the entries are dated the seventh month. When I looked in the calendar I saw the entry for taking Fred to the grocery store was placed in August. I got upset, thinking I would have to go through the month and redo the entries. Cherie asked me what was wrong and when I told her she looked at me with those understanding eyes and said “It’s August honey”. That spun my head a little as I realized I had been lost again. I was just saying a paragraph before that I am much better than three years ago. That’s true cause three years ago I wouldn’t know what day it was when I woke up till I looked at the calendar but I still lose track on occasion.

I am again not as sharp as I was this morning. I must wonder if the physical work I was doing in Texas contributed to the drastic reduction of slowdowns at the time. Perhaps even the air. All I know is now that I am back in Toledo the slowdowns are also back. In Texas Cherie gave me an aspirin every morning so perhaps the thinning effect aspirin has on blood helped. Think I should start doing that here.

Who knows what this day may hold

7/5/06 Saturday
I was sharp and energetic when I got up this morning. Got on the net and downloaded some stuff on pecan shellers as part of the research for what to do at the farm. There are several pecan growers in the area so perhaps having a sheller would provide a source of income. I also looked at the machines that shake the trees to gather the pecans.

Then I called Laura, whom we are buying the livestock trailer from. They had just gotten in from the state fair at midnight so were tired when I called. I asked her to check on what kind of electrical connection was on the trailer. Told her not to rush out right away “You can take your time and call me later” I said when I detected it was inconvenient. I also asked her to check on what the legal requirements for towing the trailer out of state. I would hate to pay for plates in Indiana and then in Ohio with Texas coming after that.

About twenty minutes ago I broke out in a sweat. Now I am getting that dizziness and pressure in my head that are a precursor to a partial seizure. This is not a stressed triggered slow down but the other kind. Hope it doesn’t last long. My brain speed is already reducing and I am typing these words one deliberate letter at a time. This sucks. I took my meds earlier this morning, about 7:00 like I am supposed to.

I plan on doing some writing today. Have been formulating the letters for Cherie’s family in my head for days now. I must write the companies that were listed in the credit report as some of those debts are real suspicious. I know for a fact that I never had an AT&T wireless account. There are some that collection agencies have that are not identified as to what they may be. There is something else I wanted to write but can’t remember it now. I might need to go lay down for a bit. Suppose I should post this.
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It’s 3:00 and I am still pretty slow. Running a four on the Bob scale. Headache is steady but not at migraine level.

8:07 – Still slow but I just added lazy to that. Now I’m slow and lazy. Don’t feel like doing anything. Even watching the TV is not interesting. Actually I did get something done. I baked some brownies from scratch. They are easy and so much better than store bought stuff that I doubt I will ever make them again. The recipe on the back of the Baker’s Chocolate is called the one bowl recipe.

Cherie is out shopping. It is good to have a few spare bucks for once. Shopping is her realm, a world she is familiar with. I can see it now…”Her pulse quickens! She can smell it and the back her head tingles at the roots of her hair, with anticipation…There it is!!! A deal!!! A steal!!!”. I am sure this is similar to the charge a hunter or an athlete gets when they achieve a goal. God I love her. I am blessed.


Anyway, enough of the mushy crap. Here’s a picture of the brownies I made. Had to eat the corners to make it fit the platter. It's getting late for me. I know it's only 10:00. Goodnight

A bright and cooler day

7/4/06 Friday
The visit with Allen started out a bit rough. When I , in a friendly way, said “Well Allen, I need to see those plants” referring to the garden I had helped him plant his reply was “You don’t NEED to see anything”. He interpreted my statement as giving him orders and demanding this. It didn’t take long for that to escalate into a problem as I tried to explain that this is how people who are comfortable with each other can talk and I was in no way demanding anything. Allen held on to his side and wouldn’t let it go so I said “I didn’t come over here for this sh*t. I’m going to go home”. I really have no interest in visiting with a friend and enduring this. Now Allen begins to settle a little but of course with my emotional control issues it took a while for me to settle down.

Allen had a movie on and put a different one on thinking I would like it better and began to work so hard to make me be his friend it got uncomfortable. He asked me if I wanted some tea, opened a canister of Skittles, and kept looking for things to do for me. When I didn’t want tea he asked four times again “Are you sure you don’t want tea?”.

Allen had found the Pink Floyd movie “The Wall” among his hundreds of video’s and put it on. This is a movie I had seen a few times in the distant past and being one of my favorite groups of all time was looking forward to watching it. As is usually the case very little was familiar at all. Most of the movie was brand new to me. That movie is an intense commentary on war and the culture in England. It covered many areas including the intense psychological damage incurred from a father absent from a young child’s life and the denigration from a teacher and classmates who continually deride this child. Then I believe the film portrays the slide into madness that Sid Barrett, the troubled yet genius founding member of Pink Floyd. Sid Barrett just died last week in the seclusion he has spent his life in since his breakdown.

As I watched I thought of how powerful this movie would be played on the big screen with the powerful sound system found in modern theatres. It’s images of war and the pain all wars bring are intense. With today’s conflicts in the middle East and our kids being sent out to die for a cause that is not clearly defined I think it could raise the conscience of our country. In my opinion we went in to “liberate” a country from the grips of a despot under false pretense and are now stuck with the mess we made. There is no question that Saddam needed to be gone but the void left by his removal and the dismantling of a countries government is turning this into a Vietnam with little hope for success.

When it came time for me to leave, that time is dinner time, Allen starts the desperate measures to get me to stay that is now a standard process with him. He digs up DVD’s and videos and handing them tells me “You can take this home and watch it if you want”. I explain I don’t watch movies much at all so probably would never get to the several he was pushing me to accept. Then he would pull out books he has on the artists Salvador ???...(Can’t recall his last name) and Escher that have full color prints of their work. As I stood at the steps leading outside with my backpack on he is opening the books saying “Look at this one. You like that? Here’s my favorite”. It is always a job to get out but I think I understand his desperation. Allen tells me of his constant thoughts of suicide and depression so for him being alone can be scary. I feel for him but am limited on what I can do. I will go over there today to help Allen move some of his belongings out of a friends garage because the friend is moving. I will try to be more tolerant of his…I can’t think of the appropriate word right now but you know.

It is a bright sunny day out and the temperature has returned to something much more tolerable so we have the fan in the window airing out the apartment. I am fairly sharp this morning, running a good seven on the Bob scale. I need to call Virginia to see if she was able to get the check cut so I can finish paying for the trailer. Never did get a reply from the owners as to what kind of connection is needed for the lights on it. She said she would be using the trailer till today, I think for their participation in the Indiana state fair. They raise Nubian milk goats and I am sure are displaying them and putting some in the judged events. Thus she has little time to spare so may get to my E mail in a few days.

I probably should get ready for the day. Cherie has left for work now. Will clean up the kitchen and scramble some eggs to have some protein in my system. I think I have figured out how to keep this computer running better. When I start it up I turn off half the programs that start with it. Kodak Easy Share, Windows Messenger, and one of the spyware programs. It is the only one I paid for as the others are free and can be downloaded off the net. When I go online I turn it back on for the firewall protection.

Finally got Allen up. Called him every half hour since 9:30 this morning leaving a short message “Allen it’s 10:00” each time. This last time, at 12:00 I left a message and then called back three times letting it ring but not leaving a message. That worked as he called me back about five minutes later. He said the alarm was going off and his answering machine was beeping so he was sleeping soundly. That is good considering he told me that he had not slept in three days. Sleep deprivation can be dangerous.

I fixed Cherie a sandwich with the pork ribs when she came home for lunch and will take the sandwiches worth of meat that is left to Allen. He doesn’t eat much or right so he needs it.

We got the check from Virginia. I had called her about 11:00 and she said she had sent it. It is for $2000 and will not only pay for the trailer but will allow us to catch up on our bills. Got to get that deposited and do some grocery shopping before I go help Allen get his stuff moved. Time to run. Couldn’t post earlier cause Blogger was not cooperating.