Monday, October 19, 2009

Strange, Depression rolls in like a wave

It’s strange. I went out to work and depression just hit like a big wave. This happened so fast and I can’t think of a reason why. It’s like some kind of attack. With it came less tolerance for the dogs always being in the way. I looked at all the things to do and saw no reason to do them. I know all the reasons to do them but it seems like a waste of time. This is unreasonable I know, I can identify that and recognize it is depression but the feeling of futility is hard to overcome. So I came inside and am writing. It’s getting pretty warm out so I think what I’ll do is get to working on something inside, something other than writing. I’ve got plenty to write and do on this laptop but I think getting physically involved with something would be better. Something to distract my mind. Writing helps me work through these feelings though. This emotional instability is like being on drugs but there are no drugs. Depression is always made worse and often created through drug and alcohol use so I’m glad I’m free of that. This is the time I would grab a drink or pop a pill to make me feel better, and it would, for a short time. Then it would wear off and the cycle starts up again. I know what I can do, I need to install the overhead stove vent Steve and Janie bought us a while back. That will keep me distracted and working on something, besides it should have been done a while ago anyway.
4:21 - Now I’ve got a killer headache. The depression has gone but this headache is taking it’s place. It’s like being in the boxing ring and getting hit again and again. Too weird. I called UTPB and set up an appointment to meet with them Thursday at 2:00. So at least something is getting done. It’s a push through day for sure. Then there are internet distractions fighting to waste my time now so I'll resist that. It’s time to exercise discipline, to take control of my mind, to force myself to focus on what is good and pure, to keep moving forward with what I know needs to be done, to not allow this crap to bring me down. But the headache is rough. I’ll take some aspirin, close the blinds, and keep marching.

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