10105 Saturday

10/1/05 Saturday
     I am tired, kinda slow, and depressed this morning. Running about a 6. The depression is connected to my fear the boys don’t want to see me. Bruce said he would be hard pressed finding time which may be true but my mind thinks the worst. Adam has not returned my calls or my E mail. I know their mom is a bitter woman and had to stop her from putting down their dad in front of them when we were married. I worry that the poison of her words has contributed to this but I also know I bear some responsibility because of how I acted around the divorce. I still love them and think that despite making some big mistakes I did a decent job of raising them since they were four and five years old. Hopefully time will heal those wounds.
     Cherie is at work this morning. I don’t have anything scheduled but would like to visit Eileen later.
     It is 12:28 now. I am still slow. Just talked to Eileen and she is not doing well. There may be another tumor and they don’t know what is wrong with her voice box. I hope it isn’t cancer. We are going now to visit her.
     It was a good visit. Eileen was doing better today and it was much easier to visit when the rest of the gang wasn’t there. When her daughter, Terry, and the attachments such as children and significant others are present it is a zoo of voices all competing for prominence. Add to that equation everyone smoking, it gets hard for Cherie to breath and the nicotine has a definite affect on me, and was the trigger for the grand mal seizure I had last year. Today was nice and settled. Glen is sick and was sleeping.
     We visited for four hours. Eileen had a chance to talk about her fears and failing health as well as trying to understand what the doctors were doing. She has been shuffled from doc to doc and it is not over yet. There are so many things going wrong with her it is hard for all the specialists to get on one page.
     I had been so slow when we left to go over there that I had Cherie drive. I don’t do that often as I am a poor and nervous passenger. As we talked I brightened up considerably and both Eileen and Cherie noticed. I showed Eileen the blog and we talked of the website. Eileen had stopped writing her tales of working for me when she got sick but will get back to it. She holds so many keys of my past because there was no one else as involved with my life. She worked for me while I was in prison so knows things about my second wife who had been milking the companies for all they were worth while letting them fall apart as she partied the money away. There is no doubt that the website will stir things up in many circles. Nothing like the truth to cause problems.
     We reminisced about many things as Eileen began to share stories. Cherie heard some shocking things regarding the behavior of my employees and I. There is enough material here to write several books that will be exciting and titillating as well as tragic. And I don’t have to make anything up. If my writing ability can convey these events as they were it will do well. The emotions were intense and to put them on paper in a way the readers can experience them is the key. Of course I have had no training in journalism and the last grade I completed in high school was the ninth. This website will be under constant construction as I research and record my life. This will be therapeutic as well as keep me occupied. It is good not to be idle for idleness can lead to trouble. It helps for me to be focused because of the TBI.
     Right now I am cooking twice baked potatoes and will be grilling New York strip steaks to enjoy with my gorgeous wife. I am blessed.