101905 Wednesday

10/19/05 Wednesday
     8:00 - I turned off the TV and am going to try and get stuff done. Cherie had her usual “I’m late” rush. I love her and want to help her fix that consistent problem but don’t think I will be able to. Of course her menopause makes this harder for Cherie, especially the hot flashes that are so strong they debilitate her. Anyway, I ironed her shirt and had just turned off the iron when I heard her voice coming from the bathroom “Oh no! Don’t turn off the iron! I need to iron my jeans.”. “Would you like me to iron them?” I asked, Cherie knowing she always feels bad to have me do things for her. “Would you mind???” was Cherie’s timid response as she felt guilty. This will always be there because it is a result of a her childhood, of always being wrong, in the way, or the cause of problems. I will spend the rest of my life helping Cherie set herself free from these things that shackle her mind.
     This morning I have to take Fred and Barb to the grocery store. When I told Fred yesterday, that Barb may have got her check and spent it, just telling you it didn’t get there to get you to buy food. “No, she would never do that. I told her that if she ever lies to me I’m done with her.” Fred said with conviction. “Fred, she’s been lying to you for over five years. Why would she stop now?” I told Fred. I left it at that. I don’t want to get him upset, just want to open his eyes a little.
     I suppose I should get ready for today. Taking Barb and Fred to the grocery store is seldom fun. I will have to stay with Fred to keep Barb from pulling one over on him, taking advantage of his blindness. I am Fred’s eyes.
     Boy the weather just changed. It was another bright cloudless morning and I had the blinds open to let as much light as possible in. As I was typing the previous paragraph it just got dark. Looking outside I see a solid blanket of cloud with a long clear edge where it is separating the beautiful blue sky from the earth. This is moving fast and with the loss of light comes a chill. There is also a change in me.. I can feel this change in my bones as the barometric pressure does it’s dramatic shift. It changes my mood and cognizance as well. I think I will close the windows now and get moving.
     It is now 1:00 and taking Fred and Barb to the store was every bit as fun as I thought it would be. My calendar said we were to go at 10:30 so I was moving accordingly, timing my actions so I would be ready at just the right moment. At 10:12 the phone rang just as I was getting my jeans on so I had to make a decision. Either I yank my pants up and hold them as I run to the phone or I waddle like a penguin with my jeans on my ankles. Or I could just let the voice mail take it. Hmm…but I know it’s Fred so I pull the jeans up and hang on to them as I scurry to the phone.
     “Hello Fred” I say after seeing the caller ID. “I’m ready when you are” Fred announced so I let him know it would be a few minutes. “I’ll just wait in the car” was Fred’s response and I know it was designed to hurry me. I’m not in a hurry.
     Fred told me that yesterday had been a hard day for him. He wasn’t doing to well today either. We stopped at Tom’s so Fred could cash a check and then headed to Barb’s. As I drove along I got to thinking about things and Fred’s voice woke me up as he asked which way I was going. I had been on auto pilot again and who knows where I would have ended up if Fred had not asked.
     We got to Barb’s and Fred went up while I waited. Dixie came out and got her paper so I yelled “Hi Dixie”. She waved and went in. She has not been doing to well lately. Hallucinating and isolating herself. Dawn came out also to ride with us so they all got in the car and we headed to Kroger. I got the Starbucks coffee that I lavish myself with on rare occasions and watched Barb and Fred start going through the produce area. Fred was already bitchy so I was glad to wait while they made this coffee concoction.
     By the time I got it and caught up with them Fred was kind of confused. Barb seemed upset that I showed up there and I know why. She wasn’t able get away with as much stuff with me there. I started helping Fred get what he needed and I had to check Barb when she wanted to hurry Fred so she could get what she wanted. Fred was trying to decide what kind of sausage he wanted and having a hard time making a decision. I would explain in simple terms what he was holding in his hands and he finally put both packages back. This would set the tone for the rest of the visit.
     They had both looked at the adds so Fred said “Where’s the black angus roast that’s on sale for $1.95?”. I told him it was back the way he had just come, he had walked by them. Then I directed Fred to the roasts in question and began to help him pick something out. He would peer at something intently and fondle it to see with his fingers. “It’s too fat” he would say so Barb and I would try to find another one. He wouldn’t decide and he wouldn’t decide again and again. “Fred, that’s the best one there is. Pick one and lets go.” I said getting impatient. He just looked at me holding the roast in his hand and said nothing. Barb and I started to move down the meat isle and then Fred put the roast in the cart he hangs on to and started to follow.
     Barb kept wanting us to go with her to get things she wanted like milk and ice cream. I told her to go get them and bring them back to the cart because I know Fred was not up to traipsing all over the store. Barb complained because she didn’t want to carry a half gallon of ice cream from two isles away. Tough.
     Fred kept throwing fits, worrying about his two or three items getting mixed with Barb’s. “No, That’s mine. It goes here, not with Barb’s stuff” Fred said as he took the TV dinner I just put in the cart and put it in the corner I had put his roast and Milk. After three or so of these events I told Fred “Fred, nobodies going to steal your stuff so just relax. I look after it for you.”. That mollified him for five minutes that we enjoyed.
     Fred wasn’t doing well and I could see him having a harder time walking. He would say “Lets get out of here” and then start peering into the glass freezer doors. Looking at some Michelena’s he asked “Is that Staufers”. Now it was lots of decisions he couldn’t make. We went through everything in the fifteen or so freezer cases with me saying “That’s Banquet meals. There’s chicken Alfredo, Salisbury steaks, Fried Chicken” and on. He would make a choice and say “Lets get out of here”. I would start walking towards the register and looking back see Fred peering through another door at what he cannot see.
     This time I just let him gaze intently and pretend to see, not going over and reading every package in the case as I always do. Fred bobbed his head up and down at the glass door for maybe five minutes till Barb then started to tell him what was in the case. There was nothing he was interested in so the job for me now was to get him to a register without to many stops.
     “Make sure my stuff is bagged separate from Barbs. Don’t let them get mixed up.” Fred yelled as I began to put his five items on the register conveyor. He sent Barb to get him a loaf of bread and she took forever holding up the line. Come to find out she had picked up a toothbrush kit and slipped it in with her groceries so He wouldn’t see. I was up front and didn’t see either but it was there after everything got paid for. Who knows. All I know is I was glad to take them all home and come up here to my home also. Home is a good thing. It is 2:00 now.
     I am to fix dinner tonight and had forgotten till this moment. I better go look to see what there is in the fridge and get focused or I will forget till Cherie walks in from work. I have a headache and do not feel good. Tired and a little thick. My leg is not working well also. I know what I will fix for dinner but will have to go to the store and pick up cream of mushroom soup. Don’t feel like going but will anyway. Need eggs also.
     Just got back from the store. Got cream of mushroom and cream of celery. I don’t have a clue what that tastes like but am curious. We have the meatballs left I made before and I was thinking of doing them in the mushroom but may try the cream of celery. I am kind of slow so it took a while for me to get through the store. I remembered everything with out a list. Drove home slowly. I stopped on the way to Kroger at the car wash. I had gone to Fred for the money and he didn’t bitch much. I used the auto wash instead of doing it myself. Then I drove off in the wrong direction and took the long way to Kroger. The store makes me kind of dizzy as I process the myriad of sensory input. It is at these times that decision making is hard so it took a while to decide and get the hand carry basket.
     You’ll notice I have a hard time finding the right words for things sometimes. I think I will have to quit writing for now. I washed the dishes and then vacuumed the rug in the living room. I know what to cook for dinner except which soup. I am a good house husband, or at least a high average. Of course the word sometimes should be in that last sentence. Now that I vacuumed I think I will wood carve which will make another mess. Time to do the relax thing.
     I never carved and don’t really know what I did after that till I went to the store to get cream of mushroom soup. I got cream of celery also and tried that with the meatballs. It was real good. It is 9:00 now and I am just finishing this before I publish it to the blog. Not real speedy. Oh yeah, Cherie and I went to the park to walk. Didn’t see any deer but we enjoyed the tranquility and each other. The leaves are falling and some of the trees are getting their fall colors now. We love the clean earthy  smell. Cherie laughs and looks beautiful. It is one of those moments I look forward to.
     I am tired and will go to bed now.