Saturday, October 29, 2005
There was a time things were easier for me to figure out. I have just spent over an hour trying to learn how to post pictures to the blog. I want to have them as part of the post, you know right with the text. I can post them but not with the text. It is 12:26 right now. This has caused some mental fatigue or something. When things are tough this brain slows down. It is unable to process too much info quickly. At times like this I forget quicker and right now, five minutes after turning the picture stuff off, I don’t remember what I studied. I am not physically tired, just have a headache and am frustrated. It is Friday night and the apartment complex is busy with the kids drinking and stuff. Lots of noise and activity. I need to find something less stressful to work on. Perhaps the website. Perhaps not. I give up.
11:00 – It took me awhile to wake up. I had laid in bed wide awake till sometime after 3:00 this morning. Almost got back up and returned to this computer. There is much on my mind lately. I wonder about my brother and debate how to handle his lies and his stealing my inheritance from mom. The last time I talked to him he said that he would send me the money we had agreed upon over a year ago. He also had told Virginia he would be glad to pay this so I will get off his ass. I have only talked to him three or four times since January. He never sent a dime so I must add this to the long list of promises he never keeps. Part of me wants to report him to the state of Texas for forging mom’s signature on the truck he got. That has been an internal debate I have had for a couple of years. I really don’t talk to him because he always treats me like I’m some kind of idiot and it turns into an argument. I am sure he tells the story to others, perhaps my family included, so that he is the great guy putting up with his mental brother. That is how he portrayed me to the director of the nursing home Minnie Lee is in.
I should E mail my sister. I thought about doing that many times over the last few months but never remember to do it. I wonder if she reads this blog. Probably not. One of my hopes with the blog is that it might help my family understand who I am and perhaps talk to me. That is also what I hope from the website if I ever get it finished.
There is nothing on my schedule today. It is beautiful out though a little chilly. We had our first freeze last night. While I am tired the brain is working well so I hope to get much done today.
This computer drives me crazy. Right now the journal is titled Editing: “102305 Sunday” This has happened before and it took me forever to change it. Of course I don’t remember how. That’s one of the weird things about my memory loss. I can recall talking with someone but can’t always recall what was said. I am sure there is something I do that causes this but don’t have a clue what. I also found two other files with this journal on it and up to date till what I have written since I turned on this laptop.
Right now I am working on recovering things I wrote from Cherie’s computer and putting them on this laptop. It should be a simple task, one I have performed several times in the past, but as always I must learn how to do it again. If I perform a task repetitively it stays but otherwise it is always like the first time. That was hard and took nearly an hour. I didn’t find but one file that had not already been transferred.
I tried calling my sons, Bruce and then Adam with no luck. I really miss them. Not much I can do about it but I won’t give up.
I am tired of trying and not getting anywhere. I am surrounded by tasks started and forgotten. I think the depression is coming back. It is frustrating to not be able to perform what had once been simple tasks. When we were at Cedar Creek church I had the gall to ask for help. Those who talked about love just backed away, no worse than that they pushed me out, rejected me in no uncertain terms and my wife with me. Isn’t that just what Jesus would do?? I looked for God and could not find Him among those who represent him.
I think I will carve some now. That usually helps at these times.
I never carved, just went to bed. Cherie came home from shopping and could tell I was not doing well. It is so good to be loved. She fixed me some food even though I was not hungry. Of course I seldom feel the sensation of hunger because of the brain injury. She tried with some success to get a smile on my face and generally let me look at TV shows I could care less about. She is a wise woman and came into the bedroom asking me if I would like to go to the park for a walk. It sounded better than wallowing in the bed so I agreed.
There is something about being out in nature that settles my heart. We walked slowly as joggers ran past and I looked at the wonders of life that are evident in these settings. We watched the fat squirrels and chipmunks gathering what they need to last the winter. We brought our camera with the hope of seeing the deer but they weren’t around. It was peaceful and good to be there, even more because it was shared between the two of us. We walked farther than we had before and went through some areas that were new to us.
As we were heading to the car I noticed Cherie had stopped and was staring off into the distance. I turned back towards her and without taking her eyes off whatever she saw she said “I think it’s the deer”. Sure enough they were about one hundred yards away on the other side of the large mowed grassy area where folks could play ball and things. “Do you want to go see them?” I asked and when she said yes we headed across the field.
There were others watching from a distance but we knew these animals were used to humans so we slowly approached them. Again we were able to get within ten or twenty feet of them. It was getting dark but I took pictures anyway. The digital camera does not do well without lots of light as the shutter speed is so slow I can’t hold it still enough to not blur. Did OK though. Here’s a picture. What do you think?
I am doing much better but am still frustrated by this disability. It is hard when you can no longer accomplish what used to be simple for you. I built and ran three companies that at one time numbered 125 employees but now I can’t figure out how to do basic stuff on this blog. Eventually I will get it because I won’t give up.
I called Allen and will take him to see Doom tomorrow. I will again talk to him about his addiction to pain pills and try to convince him to seek medical help for his damaged back and neck which is the source of the intense pain he has. I will have to approach this delicately because he gets real defensive when I bring it up. I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I didn’t try.
I think I will end this days entry. My back pain is amplified by sitting at this computer. I didn’t get much done today which contributed to the depression. Good night all.