Wednesday, October 12, 2005

101205 Wednesday

10/12/05 Wednesday
     I was sure today was the twelfth  and checked to make sure it was. It is good when I remember the date. I know I am to pick up Sharon this morning and have been worrying about her. We tried to call her a few times with no answer. Yesterday I called at 7:00, again there was no answer. I wonder if she has caller ID and just refuses to answer. I know that among the issues she has is paranoia and a tendency to build things up in her mind till it becomes delusional. By this time the results of my getting angry with her may have her viewing me as her enemy and she will have searched her memories for anything I did that can be construed as a violation of her trust. She will do what we all do, She will build up a case in her mind that justifies her opinion,  something that can be presented in a courtroom. “Yeah but he did this and he did that and I know what else he did.” She did this about Wayne also.
     I feel pretty bad about this but it will be difficult to fix it if she won’t talk. I just tried to call her again and there is still no answer. I still have this pile of stuff on Paxil with me and will drop it off to see how she’s doing. With the intense withdrawal symptoms from this drug can come symptoms like suicidal and homicidal thoughts and hallucination. She has called for an ambulance more than once because of this withdrawal.
     Cherie had a rough morning and was running late and getting upset. She said she was going to have to get me up to fix breakfast cause she is hungry. She had tried to get all the bills paid and that had put her behind and she didn’t finish. We had talked about it last night and I told her we need to pay our bills on the first of the month and she was to do that from now on. Here we are filing bankruptcy and we need to reestablish our credit so we need to make every payment on time because it shows up on the credit reports. At least I think it does. I never had in mind Cherie doing all this stuff this morning but that is Cherie. Her reflexes were honed by her parents to jump when she did a perceived wrong and make it right. This could have waited till this evening. I had asked Cherie how to do this bill paying and bank stuff on the computer and she did but I can’t remember much at all. Especially where to find the site on the computer. I can follow the directions but some days that is hard.
     I am running about a 7 this morning. Had three cups of coffee and should eat. It is one of those dreary, overcast, damp, and cool days. It works for me. I will put the “easy listening” music on and try to get stuff done without getting distracted. Of course getting distracted is a problem as I forget what I was doing. This is also one of the reasons putting this website together is so hard. I think of something I want to do with the website and by later, when I get to the computer, the thought is gone. And adding to that is that I have to relearn how to use the software each time and seem to get confused with it. Perhaps going slow will help and I am trying to carry a notebook and pen with me to record these concepts. If something is written down it can happen, otherwise it’s gone.
     I can’t believe it is already 10:48. I showered and then fixed a fried egg muffin with cheese and bacon on it. I just got done washing the dishes which always aggravates my back pain. Sitting down only helps if I don’t slouch. I took my pill and vitamins. Right now the headache is growing in the front of my skull and I am slowing down. I will grab some aspirin and get back to work. It is too early for me to be tired.
     I think I will start over on the website. I was using a template for a business website. That was adding to my confusion as I would label a button to go to a page only to see it is set up to list employees with all their information. I may have found a blank template where I have to do everything from scratch. I will explore that and see if there is some kind of tutorial in Microsoft Publisher. I may have already gone through the tutorial but there is no memory of it.
     Fred called right in the middle of me writing an outline of The Story room. He asked me to come down and program his scanner for him. It seems I had tried to do this before and couldn’t. I sat down and read the instruction manual and did what I thought it said to do but no matter what it wouldn’t do what Fred asked for. Actually I never could figure out what Fred wanted. The frequencies he wanted me to program in are already there. Now I remember doing the exact same thing the last time. Fred is saying something about he wanted the channel changed as he pointed to a corner of the screen. The lettering is so small I have to squint so I know Fred couldn’t see it at all.      Right in the middle of all this Cherie calls. I try to talk with her and figure out what Fred wanted at the same time. She was talkative and asking if I ate while letting me know she decided to stay at work for lunch. I had to cut her off so I could continue getting frustrated at Fred and his machine. It didn’t take me long to look at Fred and say “I can’t figure this out Fred. I give up.” I still am unsure what Fred wanted but that’s ok. I’m tired now. The aspirin didn’t touch the headache.
     It’s 1:20 now. I don’t notice the headache as much. I vacuumed the carpet finally. The little marvelously compact vacuum Cherie got has a high pitched super sonic wail that just hurts. I will be glad when we can have a house of our own. A house where we can create the dream we both have. To live together, to grow old together, to enjoy life together, and to do good together. I still marvel at us coming back together after twenty years. I am filled when she laughs, we are complete. I know, I got it bad. And love every minute of it.
     I’m doing better with paper and pencil designing this website. The more I map this out the more work I see I need to do. I think what I will do is prioritize the work and get something out that is complete. Then I can start building the rooms and perhaps it will interest others to watch the blanks get filled. At my speed it may take years. I think I will fix a peanut butter English muffin and take my second pill. The right ear is ringing now and kind of dizzy.
     Hope the food helps along with the pill. I’m still not sure just how bad I need the pill.
     I just tried to put my picture on the blog but got confused. Getting pretty slow. I had to comeback and write about this. Both of my hands are kinda numb and tingly. Real dizzy and ears ringing. Time to lay down.  
     That came on fast. I am better now. Cherie came home and fixed a nice chicken thing with noodles and I made some desert with maraschino cherries that turned out good.

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