Sunday 103105

10/30/05 Sunday
I am up now. It is 7:52. Woke up at 7:00. Cherie has been up for a while and is cooking banana bread which smells great. I woke up with a headache which doesn’t bode well. That isn’t always a precursor to a slow down. If I am lucky it will just be a headache. Right now I seem to be operating at a 6 or 7 on the Bob scale.
When I went to refill my pill minder I discovered that I have been taking the 100 milligram pills instead of the 150s. I have asked Cherie to help me track slow downs to see how they relate to taking this seizure medication. This week I will be going to the Ann Arbor VA hospital for the neurology clinic where we will discuss this. All I want is to have this brain work all the time. I no that will probably never happen but hey it’s good to dream.
We are getting ready to go to church and my brain function has risen to an 8. Kinda want to stay and write but won’t. We got to go now.

10/31/05 Monday
It is 4:00 now. I just got back from taking Fred to the store where he bought food for Barb. I did not hide my thoughts on how Barb is taking advantage of him and that he was buying food for Basil as well. Basil makes good money as a brick layer but he doesn’t contribute much if anything. When we took the food in Barb had an attitude and asked me to leave so she could talk to Fred. He says she showed him the TV in her bedroom that wasn’t there before. I personally think she asked me to leave because she was again going to take advantage of his blindness when she showed it to him. Who knows what she showed him but she sure didn’t want me around for it.
Fred asked me what was going on between me and Barb and I told him I don’t like being lied to or how she takes advantage of him. He asked if I could take her to the church on Sylvania Ave. for the food and I was till she gave me the attitude. I don’t have time to help those who don’t appreciate it at all.
I was up till late last night. Right now I can’t recall what I did after church. I think I went to see the movie Doom with Allen and when I went to Saturdays entry I see that was what I planned. I know I saw the movie with him just couldn’t place the day till now.
The movie sucked and after I went back to Allen’s we watched his satellite TV and talked. He is not doing well and as I watched him interact with his fish I could see how close to the edge he is. He told me that the fish are a godsend to him and may have kept him from suicide. He would sit there and talk to them like they could hear and understand what he said. Cherie and I do that with our cat Carmen in a way, and so do lots of people but it seemed different with Allen. He is so isolated that the fish may serve as his safe outlet to express himself. I didn’t find an opportune time to talk with Allen about the pain pills but will try when it is right.
I am tired and in a negative mood. Don’t like it and will stay out of circulation for now because I can’t trust myself at these times to not cuss someone out for next to nothing. No tolerance for bull s--- now. I don’t like to even drive at these times because that brings the aggression out.

Did it work?

But Wait. I figured out how to do the picture thing that has driven me crazy for a week or two so I will do it again to help cement this into my brain.

Saturday 102905

10/29/05 Saturday
There was a time things were easier for me to figure out. I have just spent over an hour trying to learn how to post pictures to the blog. I want to have them as part of the post, you know right with the text. I can post them but not with the text. It is 12:26 right now. This has caused some mental fatigue or something. When things are tough this brain slows down. It is unable to process too much info quickly. At times like this I forget quicker and right now, five minutes after turning the picture stuff off, I don’t remember what I studied. I am not physically tired, just have a headache and am frustrated. It is Friday night and the apartment complex is busy with the kids drinking and stuff. Lots of noise and activity. I need to find something less stressful to work on. Perhaps the website. Perhaps not. I give up.
11:00 – It took me awhile to wake up. I had laid in bed wide awake till sometime after 3:00 this morning. Almost got back up and returned to this computer. There is much on my mind lately. I wonder about my brother and debate how to handle his lies and his stealing my inheritance from mom. The last time I talked to him he said that he would send me the money we had agreed upon over a year ago. He also had told Virginia he would be glad to pay this so I will get off his ass. I have only talked to him three or four times since January. He never sent a dime so I must add this to the long list of promises he never keeps. Part of me wants to report him to the state of Texas for forging mom’s signature on the truck he got. That has been an internal debate I have had for a couple of years. I really don’t talk to him because he always treats me like I’m some kind of idiot and it turns into an argument. I am sure he tells the story to others, perhaps my family included, so that he is the great guy putting up with his mental brother. That is how he portrayed me to the director of the nursing home Minnie Lee is in.
I should E mail my sister. I thought about doing that many times over the last few months but never remember to do it. I wonder if she reads this blog. Probably not. One of my hopes with the blog is that it might help my family understand who I am and perhaps talk to me. That is also what I hope from the website if I ever get it finished.
There is nothing on my schedule today. It is beautiful out though a little chilly. We had our first freeze last night. While I am tired the brain is working well so I hope to get much done today.
This computer drives me crazy. Right now the journal is titled Editing: “102305 Sunday” This has happened before and it took me forever to change it. Of course I don’t remember how. That’s one of the weird things about my memory loss. I can recall talking with someone but can’t always recall what was said. I am sure there is something I do that causes this but don’t have a clue what. I also found two other files with this journal on it and up to date till what I have written since I turned on this laptop.
Right now I am working on recovering things I wrote from Cherie’s computer and putting them on this laptop. It should be a simple task, one I have performed several times in the past, but as always I must learn how to do it again. If I perform a task repetitively it stays but otherwise it is always like the first time. That was hard and took nearly an hour. I didn’t find but one file that had not already been transferred.
I tried calling my sons, Bruce and then Adam with no luck. I really miss them. Not much I can do about it but I won’t give up.
I am tired of trying and not getting anywhere. I am surrounded by tasks started and forgotten. I think the depression is coming back. It is frustrating to not be able to perform what had once been simple tasks. When we were at Cedar Creek church I had the gall to ask for help. Those who talked about love just backed away, no worse than that they pushed me out, rejected me in no uncertain terms and my wife with me. Isn’t that just what Jesus would do?? I looked for God and could not find Him among those who represent him.
I think I will carve some now. That usually helps at these times.
I never carved, just went to bed. Cherie came home from shopping and could tell I was not doing well. It is so good to be loved. She fixed me some food even though I was not hungry. Of course I seldom feel the sensation of hunger because of the brain injury. She tried with some success to get a smile on my face and generally let me look at TV shows I could care less about. She is a wise woman and came into the bedroom asking me if I would like to go to the park for a walk. It sounded better than wallowing in the bed so I agreed.
There is something about being out in nature that settles my heart. We walked slowly as joggers ran past and I looked at the wonders of life that are evident in these settings. We watched the fat squirrels and chipmunks gathering what they need to last the winter. We brought our camera with the hope of seeing the deer but they weren’t around. It was peaceful and good to be there, even more because it was shared between the two of us. We walked farther than we had before and went through some areas that were new to us.
As we were heading to the car I noticed Cherie had stopped and was staring off into the distance. I turned back towards her and without taking her eyes off whatever she saw she said “I think it’s the deer”. Sure enough they were about one hundred yards away on the other side of the large mowed grassy area where folks could play ball and things. “Do you want to go see them?” I asked and when she said yes we headed across the field.
There were others watching from a distance but we knew these animals were used to humans so we slowly approached them. Again we were able to get within ten or twenty feet of them. It was getting dark but I took pictures anyway. The digital camera does not do well without lots of light as the shutter speed is so slow I can’t hold it still enough to not blur. Did OK though. Here’s a picture. What do you think?
I am doing much better but am still frustrated by this disability. It is hard when you can no longer accomplish what used to be simple for you. I built and ran three companies that at one time numbered 125 employees but now I can’t figure out how to do basic stuff on this blog. Eventually I will get it because I won’t give up.
I called Allen and will take him to see Doom tomorrow. I will again talk to him about his addiction to pain pills and try to convince him to seek medical help for his damaged back and neck which is the source of the intense pain he has. I will have to approach this delicately because he gets real defensive when I bring it up. I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I didn’t try.
I think I will end this days entry. My back pain is amplified by sitting at this computer. I didn’t get much done today which contributed to the depression. Good night all.

figuring out this picture thing

 

102805 Friday

10/28/05 Friday
     I am sluggish this morning. Have no energy or motivation. Cherie didn’t wake me till 7:00 this morning. It took a while for me to wake up and I was grouchy, complaining because she didn’t wake me earlier because Friday is the day I meet Jeff for breakfast and I needed time to get ready. She also came back in with the newspaper and told me not to call the Toledo Blade because the paper did not make it up to our door. This time the paper delivery lady just threw it from the first or second floor and it landed on the steps. I told Cherie I would call the Blade because we pay to have the paper delivered to our door and the delivery person is paid to do so. Having a newspaper wrapped in plastic sitting on a stair step is a disaster waiting to happen. It cannot be easily seen and is slippery. A fall on stairs has the potential of causing serious injury and even death so I will call. Maybe I should write.
     I met with Jeff and as usual it is good to have someone to talk with. Jeff expressed the same thought. He asked a question that brings up an issue I need to address. I said something about my honesty with everything regardless of what others think. Jeff asked if I put down in the blog some of the personal things about him we discuss. I don’t think I do but I better look and see. I have contemplated writing a page just for the Blog but some days I do good to write anything. I am planning on publishing the rest of the journal which goes back four years and covers much of this incredible journey I have been on since waking from the coma. I will need to edit it to protect some of those I am close to. Perhaps change their names or something.
     We talked about my release from probation, the progress of his divorce, work, the court system, and other things like medical uses for marijuana. I also expounded on the church and my views of how the Christian religion has evolved over the 2000 years of it’s existence. I think it has, in it’s many versions, become easy street for most and only has a rudimentary resemblance to the early church.
     Cherie just came home for lunch. I am running at about a six on the Bob scale. Not fast, not slow. It is a beautiful day out. Sunny and around fifty degrees. That works for me and I am comfortable without a coat because of the change of my body’s temperature control mechanism or something from the brain damage.
     I watched Dr. Phil this morning and it was about addiction to pain killers, a subject near and dear to my heart. I beat this addiction and now hope to help Allen beat his. I was hoping to learn something that would help but I am already up to speed with what he covered. The people he featured were successful everyday moms. Not at all what you picture when the term “drug addict” is used. These are people who were prescribed medication for problems and it evolved into an addiction. They were generally able to hide their problem and few if any around them, including spouses, had a clue.
     Fred called and asked what I was doing Monday. I let him know it was a clear day so I scheduled him for a hair cut and shopping. He needed some basic groceries so I took him to the Pharm where I was his eyes as usual. As I would tell him “That’s vegetables, these are green beans, that is corn.” some  shoppers would hear and kind of give me their appreciation of what I was doing. That makes me feel good though I don’t care about impressing anyone.
     After carrying Fred’s groceries up to his apartment I took the request for financial help at YMCA to them and then went shopping. With Fred I was fine other than the headache but by the time I got to Miejer’s I was limping. This instability drives me crazy. I never know what is going to work or when. This is a big reason some of the church people thought I was faking. I would be sharp then I would seem like I was doped up. I walk fine and then I am limping badly. The assumption that I am in pain when I limp does not hold true. I am in varying degrees of pain all the time but the limp is not at all related to that at all.
     I started to slow down when Cherie came home and could feel the headache coming. I’m not too bad, about a five. That is another part of the instability that frustrates me. It’s like being on a roller coaster. There are highs and lows that can vary in their intensity without predictability.
     It is 3:19 now. I am tired and think I will take my afternoon nap. Those usually refresh me but sometimes seem to just make me more tired. I took my second pill.
     I almost went to sleep but not quite. Cherie had called earlier and told me how tired she was. We decided to go get Chinese at a restaurant near here. It is called Yang’s. I was impressed with the place. Their menu was four or five pages long with lots of stuff on it that sounded good. The service was as good as I have seen. Plates were whisked away soon after they were finished. The food was good also but my shrimp was a little salty. The problem with that is my sense of taste is dramatically affected by my brain damage. Some days I can hardly taste a thing and on occasion I taste every subtle nuance of the food. Kind of makes it hard for me to have a reliable opinion of food. Guess I won’t qualify to be a food critic in the paper. Oh well. Every thing tastes good to me with few exceptions. I did try a glass of Sake because I don’t remember ever having it before. Now that I could taste and don’t like at all. The problem is the next time I go to a restaurant I probably won’t remember ever having it or if I liked it or not. I always ask Cherie to remind me I don’t like something if we ever go back to a place.  
     We are both tired and laid down for a while. I seem to be renewed and the headache is moderate now. There is a show coming on at 8:00 or so about the political power of the evangelical churches. We both want to see that. I have my issues with that. Especially when politicians like Bush spout an ideology that appears to be designed to get that portion of the vote and then don’t practice what they preach.
     I now turn to the Christian TV station to study how many are fleecing the flock and the methods used. That station is infomercial city accepting anyone who pays for air time. These programs often are under the guise of Christianity and thus fool the viewers and gain their trust. Hey! These are men of God. They wouldn’t lie to us. (sarcasm is intentional) These are cleverly put together sales jobs that use every technique I used to teach corporations. Then Benny Hinn came on and he is one of the best when it comes to deception along with James Robinson. He had a guest on and I was amazed at how he twisted the scripture to convince the audience to call in and donate. I am sure that when you call you will get an operator who is well trained in sales and how to increase the amount of the donation. Having founded and built a telemarketing company I understand this better than most. As I watch I have to wonder at how stupid many Christians are to buy into this stuff. There is a reason these infomercial people flock to Christian stations across the country. Here is where they find the most gullible audience. This is sad.
     Now we are watching the program on NBC with Tom Brokaw called in God they trust. He is interviewing a pastor named Ted Hagerd who leads one of the new mega churches called New Life Church. One of the things Ted said is that they are making Christianity easy. Tom also pointed out how profitable these churches are.
     After the show Cherie and I talked about God and religion. I expressed the doubts I have about God and my observations of Christianity today. It was a good talk and one of the things we concluded was that no matter what the rest of the world does we have each other and find a stability in our love for each other that is more dependable than anything else.
     It is 11:00 now and I am wide awake and lucid. This is prime time so I want to get as much done as I can. Cherie is going to call it a night. I think I will go ahead and publish this and then investigate the trial program I down loaded that makes publishing photos easier. Good night all. God bless and thanks for reading this. If I can figure out how I have some pictures I would like to include on the blog.

102705 Thursday

10/27/05 Thursday
     I started out OK. Cherie left a list of things for me to do. I appreciate that and have been encouraging her to do that as long as we have been together. It helps me get things done because if it is not written down it won’t happen. I just put sheets in the washer and then set the timer. With this short term memory loss that is necessary. Otherwise I just simply no longer realize that I’m doing laundry at all. The timer is a valuable tool. I have been slowing down this morning. There is much I need to write about the last few days. It is nearly 12:00 and I have not eaten yet. I did take a shower.
     I am physically tired. Walking the stairs up three floors from the laundry room was hard. Shouldn’t be. I was going to cook eggs and sausage this morning but just poured a bowl of cereal. Not doing good at all. Moving in slow motion.
     I got all the chores done. It is 8:24 right now. I am still a little slow but not as bad as earlier. When Cherie came home I asked if she was doing ok and was relieved she did not have anymore chest pains. I don’t mind admitting I was scared. We ate the dinner I fixed and are relaxing now.
     I called Allen earlier to see if he would like to see the movie Doom. Allen told me he hadn’t slept in three days which I have heard from him before. I told him he sounded awful chipper for someone who had not slept in days. This bothered Allen and he started dancing. “Oh I haven’t slept for days. I’m really worn out” he told me with a lively voice. He knew I knew he was doped up and was defensive as well as kinda belligerent. He told me he is going to a concert tomorrow so I said “Your finances are better now. Huh?” At this point he said he would have to call me back regarding when we can see the movie. He never did so I will call him tomorrow. He is one of the few I call a friend and I will do what I can to help him get free of the pills. It will be hard because of his pain but mostly because I know how addictive Oxycontin is. Allen is taking way more than needed for his pain. He saw how that drug and the heroin it led to destroyed my life four years ago. I will do what I can to help him but know it will be tough.
     Cherie and I went to the park to walk as we are trying to do more often. I was still slow and not walking good but that is OK. We both need to get out and exercise. I didn’t take the camera this time and of course the deer were out. They have no fear and we walked right up to them. They did not even start when a jogger would come running by with his headphones on, not even noticing the three deer. Cherie talked to the deer as she does and it was a peaceful time. I love being out in nature.
     It’s 11:00 at night now. Of course this is when my brain decides to wake up. Wish it would work when I want it to. Brain damage is no fun but I do good considering how much of it was destroyed.
     I got an E mail from Virginia. Minnie Lee is doing well for 99 years old. Larry showed up because Linda had called him when she called me to tell me how bad Minnie Lee was. He always grates on Virginia and makes M.L. nervous. A typical alcoholic.
     I think I will call it a night. My back has been killing me all day and sitting at this computer aggravates that. Time to publish this and go to bed. I didn’t get much done in the way of writing and website construction. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

The rest of Wednesday

I filled in some of Wednesdays entry so here it is to make that day complete.
I see that I did not get far with yesterdays entry and I know why. Cherie was home all day and that pretty much takes up my mind because I love being around her and we do things. We went to Swan Creek Metro Park and walked. I took the camera and told Cherie that we would see deer. Sure enough, as we walked the path strewn with the falling leaves, admiring nature and the speed of change two deer ran across the path ten feet in front of us. I was fumbling to get the camera out and Cherie started calling “Here deer” in her talking to the cat voice. That did nothing to coax the deer closer though they did stop and kind of look before they continued the journey.
     Today I take Fred and Barb around. It is always fun when they get together. Now I’m being sarcastic. Sometimes it’s ok but not usually. I picked up Fred and we headed over to get Barb. She had four bags of cans she was going to turn in for the aluminum. I had told Fred a while ago that I would no longer take Barb in for the cans because she got less than what the gas cost to drive her there and because her lack of money was due to the drugs.
     Dawn came with us as she sometimes does. I listened to her and Barb talk as I drove and heard Barb telling Dawn about how she had to turn on her TV by putting her finger in the hole where the switch used to be. Dawn asked Barb why she got rid of her good TV and I looked in the mirror to see Barb shrug her shoulders and give Dawn a look that said “You know, be quiet”.
     After turning in the cans for four dollars I drove them to the Trilby church for their food handout. I asked Barb how her TV was working and she said “Fine”. When I got them home I carried a bag of groceries in for Barb even though she was trying to get them before me. Walking in her apartment I see the nice 24” television she bought new just a few months ago was gone, replaced by the old funky one that used to be in her bedroom. “Where’s your TV Barb?” I asked. “Right there” she said so I said “No, the good one.”. This set her right off so she told me the good TV was in the bedroom and that I should mind my own business. I already knew it wasn’t in the bedroom because I could see in when I put the bag of groceries down. She knew she was busted.
     Fred took us out to Red Wells as he often does because Barb talks him into it. Barb wouldn’t say a word to me, even when I asked her directly “How you been?”. I waved my hand in front of her and said “Earth to Barb, come in please” and got a “I’m doing fine”. I didn’t want to get Fred all upset so I held my peace about the TV. I know what happened to it. The same thing that happened to her other new TV’s, grills, bike, and everything else that gets stolen. It is amazing how someone can crunch a TV up and fit it into a crack pipe and then Poof, it’s gone. Just went up in smoke.

102505 Tuesday

10/25/05 Tuesday
     Right now I am at Burger King. It is 10:45 in the morning. Fred’s car is across the street getting it’s winter check up and oil change. Cherie called in sick to work this morning. She is hoping the medication she got from the doctor will start helping. She has a bump in her wrist and the pain hinders her job. I asked her if she told the doc about it when she went yesterday. She said no and then started telling me how she can only talk to the doc about what she set the appointment for. I got upset and told her to call the doctor right now and set an appointment. I know Cherie and suspect she isn’t telling the doc stuff because she doesn’t want to be the cause of financial drain. That I can’t allow because medical conditions only grow if not treated, turning into a monster. It is also usually easier and cheaper to catch something early.
     Well Fred’s car is probably done so I suppose I should walk over there and see. First I want to note that this is a hot spot for my wireless. It is cool to be sitting at Burger King and check your E mail. I looked at some blogs and found one that interests me so I bookmarked it.

10/26/05 Wednesday
     Today I take Fred and Barb around. It is always fun when they get together. Now I’m being sarcastic. Sometimes it’s ok but not usually. I see that I did not get far with yesterdays entry and I know why. Cherie was home all day and that pretty much takes up my mind because I love being around her and we do things. We went to Swan Creek Metro Park and walked. I took the camera and told Cherie that we would see deer. Sure enough, as we walked the path strewn with the falling leaves, admiring nature and the speed of change two deer ran across the path ten feet in front of us. I was fumbling to get the camera out and Cherie started calling “Here deer” in her talking to the cat voice. That did nothing to coax the deer closer though they did stop and kind of look before they continued the journey.
     3:51 PM. I am at Toledo hospital with Cherie. When I came home from trucking Fred, Barb, and Dawn around I saw her car in the parking lot. It was two something so I know she is supposed to be at work. I go in and find Cherie laying down on the bed. She had started having sharp chest pains while driving from lunch so came home. She wasn’t feeling good still and the pain had turned into pressure. I took her to the emergency room here and now we wait. They have taken an EKG and blood. The RN or doctor explained that if there was a heart attack the dead cells release enzymes that can be detected in the blood. I am keeping Cherie cheered up best I can.

102405 Monday

10/24/05 Monday
     It’s Monday and looking I see I did not record much of yesterday. We never picnicked. Cherie went to K&J and got some meat. She was tired when she came home so I told her I would cook. I don’t think I was doing well at the time. I broiled the bacon wrapped tenderloins in the toaster oven. I will have to get used to the broiler function on this machine. It cooks a lot slower.
     I fixed rice and some of my flour gravy that Cherie told me she liked. The rice was some boil in the bag stuff I hadn’t used before. Looking at how much uncooked rice was in a bag I decided to cook two. I’ve made lots of rice since I woke up but still forgot how much rice swells when cooked. I only used one bag leaving the other unopened.
     I have been craving rice pudding for a while so decided that would be a good use for this leftover rice. I looked in the computer recipe book but out of 18,000 recipe’s there were only seven for rice pudding. Non of them worked for me so I got on the net to find one. I printed that up and started on it.
     Of course I missed one little detail in the recipe. It said to use Minute Rice but I just put in the rice I already had cooked. With that I poured in the amount of milk called for and set it to boiling as directed. After 30 minutes I had a thought as I stirred this soupy mix. Uncooked rice absorbs tons of fluids as they cook so this cooked rice isn’t doing that. Now I began to look for something that could thicken this up. Ah Ha! There’s Tapioca. That will soak up some of this milk. To my surprise it worked. In fact more than worked. I whipped up the egg whites left over from the two egg yolks, into foam and mixed it in the rice Tapioca pudding. Then I sliced up kiwi’s and strawberries to put on top and that was it.
     It amazes me how I can come up with a home run after screwing something up. This stuff was way good. Goes on the list of things I need to do again. It is 9:00 this morning. Today I go to probation. If I am lucky they have finished the paperwork and I will be free but I won’t count on luck. I’m running about a seven this morning. Average.
     OK this was a day were lots happened. I went to see my probation officer today and was wondering how it would go. When I got there and went up to the front desk I did as I always do. “Bob Westbrook to see Julie D.” I told the receptionist. She looked at me and then at her desk. Picking up a piece of paper and looking at it she goes “Oh yeah, I’ve got a message for you”. Of course I worried that something was wrong but she read the note. “Your not on probation anymore and Julie’s not in today.” I asked her if there was something I should sign and she said she didn’t have a clue. It was good news for me of course. The one officer who had come to the apartment several times to check on me was outside. He asked me how I was doing so I told him I was released from probation. He said that was good because I didn’t belong in the system.
     I called Cherie and left a message on her work phone and then called Eileen to see how she was doing. She sounded much better than the last time I talked to her. I asked her if it was ok to come by and visit and it was. Eileen was glad to see me but was not to animated. Come to find out she had a hysterectomy four days ago. I knew that was a possibility but didn’t know if or when it would  happen. They found several tumors and I presume none of them was cancerous because Eileen didn’t say.
     Eileen said she reads the blog daily and it is her entertainment. I figured it would be boring but what do I know. She did say that she had a hard time following because she didn’t know who was who. Now that I know I have readers I should write this accordingly.
     Just for the moment I will give a brief rundown of the characters in this play of my life. Fred is 87 years old with emphysema. It is his car I drive most of the time. He lets me do this in exchange for driving him around and being his eyes. You see Fred is legally blind, which means he can see but not well. When I take him to the store I must explain what he is looking at because he can’t even make out the large letters on the products.
     Barb is a woman who has a brain injury incurred some fifteen or twenty years ago. She operates at about a fifteen year old level. Fred had promised her dying mom he would look after her. Barb lived a life that was troubled. She was a heroin addict, went to prison, and has children she can no longer see. I don’t get into that with her because it’s not my business. I just try to help her not be taken advantage of by those around her. That includes the alcoholic who lives with her and all the crackheads who live there. It is a losing job but I got to try. She is part of what I call the forgotten people. You know, the ones all the church people talk about helping but few are willing to be within touching distance of. It doesn’t matter what her life was like or how many mistakes she made. She is still human and needs help. I can’t walk by.
     Wayne is someone I met at St Paul’s homeless shelter when I stayed there. He is a veteran and has Multiple Sclerosis. Because of how that disease affects mental abilities Wayne was in bad shape. Like me he was totally unfamiliar with the resources available for him. Because I had been learning these things through trial and error for over a year I was able to help teach and guide him. I got him into the system and into section eight housing. This took some time. I then fought Family Services to get him benefits such as Medicaid and foodstamps. I took Wayne to Social Security and had him apply for disability. This is on its third appeal after over a year and the first hearing. I got Wayne to a lawyer who specializes in Social Security and he gave me a good idea of what I need to do.
     Sharon lives upstairs from Wayne and also has a traumatic brain injury. Hers is from being beat by her husband with a pipe. Cherie and I help her when we can. She is trying to get her license back and also would like to move to a safer environment. I also would like to get Wayne out of there. It is major drugs and prostitution there and is dangerous with gunfire not uncommon.
     Allen is a friend from before my accident who is one of the few I could remember from before. It took me several days of walking around to find his place when I first returned to Toledo. Allen has lots of problems which include severe depression with suicidal tendencies. His back and necked are messed up to the point the pain keeps him up for days. Not having medical insurance Allen has no choice but to try to medicate his pain with whatever he can buy on the streets. I am convincing him to get in the system thus giving him access to the rudimentary medical services offered by the state. This includes getting him to the Zeph Center which helps so many of those I serve. He is not keen on that as he has had or heard of bad experiences others have had when it comes to mental health. He needs surgery or something more permanent than taking pills.
     There are others but these are the main players. Oh yeah I almost forgot Eileen who pointed out to me the confusion caused by my not explaining who these folks are. Eileen was my secretary for about ten years and has seen more of my life than most. She holds in her head many of my memories and helps me fill in the blanks often as I still research who I was. While I visited her today she was doing what she always does. Despite her hysterectomy she would jump up and run every time her husband Glenn would yell her name from the couch he lives on. She takes care of everyone else but only a few of them return the favor.
     It is 1:00 in the morning now. It would be smart to get some sleep but I wanted to finish this.

102305 Sunday

10/23/05 Sunday
     It is starting out good this morning. Cherie was asked to work today and when she asked me I encouraged her to go or something like that. She may have already told her boss she would work and was checking to see if I would object. Anyway she’s at work and I decided to stay home instead of going to church. I fixed some sausage and eggs and forgot to make coffee. I think I will skip coffee today to see if that helps the headaches. Actually I already have a headache.
     I didn’t write in the journal after Cherie came home. I suspect that if I looked through my journal entries I will find that it is not unusual for them to stop after Cherie gets home. That’s because when she walks in my attention is on her. Not always Bob, lets be honest here. OK but that is pretty much true. I’m going to hit the shower.
     It’s 10:00 now. I took my medicine. I don’t know what I will do today but it is beautiful out. I think it would be nice to picnic. Take that Q Grill we got suckered in on and grill some steaks. Actually the Q grill is pretty cool but overpriced. Enough of that. I forgot to shave and brush my teeth so must do that. Nice thing about shaving for me is that it tells on me when I forget. Better go shave before I forget.

102205 Saturday

10/22/05 Saturday
     I woke up lucid, a good start for the day. Cherie came in and wanted to talk so I muted the sound on the TV. She asked about long term plans regarding going to Texas.  Will we stay? Will we live on the farm? When would we go? These are important things that we need to make plans for. I got us on a budget now and we will tighten up and start saving for this. We also know there will probably be several trips to Texas and that will cost. With all that and things like the bankruptcy going on we need to be organized and ready to go. It was good for us to talk and I thanked Cherie for bringing it up cause I would most likely never think about it.
     I told Cherie I would write the letter to YMCA this morning while she is out shopping. Of course Fred called and being very apologetic asked me if I could take him to the Dollar Tree. I will be happy to do that but hope he is not getting something Barb guilt tripped him into getting. If so he will bring it up after he purchased the item and we get back in the car. “Would you mind stopping at Barb’s” he will say.
     There are times I like being wrong and this is one of them. Fred did buy some stuff for Barb but he never asked me to take it to her so that worked. He needed toilette paper which would warrant his urgency but beside that he was looking for some horseradish that he thinks he bought at a dollar store. I took him to two stores and he never found the horseradish. At the last store he went over the same isle several times, picking up bottle after bottle and peering at it would wait for me to tell him what it was. He was picking up the same bottles we had gone through before and I was getting a little short. “Fred we’ve been through everything in this row. There is no horseradish.” I told him so he went down a different row. I went into Radio Shack and got Fred the light bulbs he needs for his reader. I was glad he wanted to go home when I got back to the car. Now I am here writing and tired.
     I took some of that herbal stuff that helps clear up the mind a bit. Now I need to write that YMCA letter before I go off in another tangent and forget. Now to you millions of people reading this, I know much of what you find here is boring dribble but it is much more than that to me. I use this journal to overcome the problems that come with my brain injury. I come to this laptop many times during a day and look to see what I was doing or going to do. These reminders keep me on track on slow days and for that matter every day. Now, TOO THE LETTER…..
     I wrote the letter. In fact I think I will put it here in the journal cause it may explain a lot to my readers.

To:       Executive Director of the Southwest Family Branch
            YMCA of Greater Toledo.
From:     Bob and Cherie Westbrook
     2541 Key St.
     Toledo, Ohio 43614

     This letter is to explain the reason for our request for assistance. I woke up from a coma December 2001. Because of my traumatic brain injury I have severe memory loss and partial paralysis on the right side. Adding to that, I broke my neck for the third time in the accident. The only family found willing to help me was my brother who took me to St Louis and put me in some dump. It took me two years to make it back to Toledo where I had been a successful businessman prior to my accident. It was then I understood how much memory was lost and wandered the streets looking for memories. I was homeless till I was featured on Channel 13 as Toledo’s John Doe. Then friends I knew I had but couldn’t remember came forward to help.
     Among those who saw the program was my first wife, Cherie. We had divorced twenty years ago after I went through a drastic personality change after falling from a tree, breaking my neck and back, and getting a concussion. We now understand the personality change is a common symptom of brain injury but little was known about it 20 years ago. Cherie called in to offer assistance and we saw each other for the first time in twenty years. We remarried nearly two years ago. We never should have divorced.
     Cherie took on a burden with me. I did finally get approved for my veterans disability pension which helps financially but we run tight. Being in the coma took a toll on me and I was unable to get the exercise needed to regain strength and muscle. Now that I have a kitchen and am sedentary I am getting fat. We are in the middle of bankruptcy made necessary to unload the massive medical debt I have and that freezes up our finances some. We would be happy to pay $35.00 a month for the basic membership but the initial fee is a hard hurdle for us to leap right now. We expect things to improve after the bankruptcy and will go to the regular rate.

So whatchya think? It’ll change when I have Cherie review it. I think I will lay down for a bit.

102105 Friday

10/21/05 Friday
     I woke up fairly clear headed. Went to meet with Jeff at the Waffle house. We talked about what I’ve been doing and then we talked about some scriptures Jeff had been memorizing.
     I just got home from there but am having a hard time writing this right now. This is one of those quick slowdowns that was preceded by an equally quick headache. I just took my pill and the vitamins Cherie set out for me. There’s a good chance I will go back to bed. I took the garbage out because it was smelling pretty bad.
     When I got home from meeting with Jeff and picking up Cherie’s check Fred came out to talk. He asked if we got our paper delivered to our door cause he had seen it in the mailbox. I told him no but Cherie probably picked it up on her way to work. Fred started working himself up telling me several times “That’s not right. You tell them your paying to have your paper delivered to your door. Call them right now.”. I said I would and managed to walk backwards up the stairs as he kept on about it.

It’s 11:17. I just checked my e mail and did the eight or nine surveys or whatever it was. Hard to do when I’m slow. Answering questions is tough for me at these times. I have to look at five or ten potential answers and then look back at the question because I forgot it. I forgot to take something for the headache so will grab some aspirin. Probably some Tramadol also. One of the surveys I did was for 20/20 on caffeine. It talked about headaches and stuff so I have to wonder if that contributes to this. It is chilly. I want to keep going but may crawl under the covers till the headache relaxes. I keep forgetting I can take this laptop to bed with me and thus do some work as I think about things.
     NO! I’m going to stay up and get something done. I was thinking breakfast because I forgot I had met Jeff and ate at the Waffle House. Not feeling the sensation of hunger means I try to eat by the clock but not remembering if I ate may contribute to my weight gain. Hell, I might eat three breakfasts and not know it, at least not till later. I know I have taken multiple showers because I forget I had showered earlier. Then there are times I wash my hair twice during one shower to make sure I did. It is no problem being too clean but when I forget to rinse soap off and have a rash later it becomes a problem.
     What makes this so maddening is sometimes I remember fine but then have these moments. I was watching TV the other day when they mentioned senior moments. Sounds like me at 49 so what will I be like at 65?? Statistically those with TBI’s show a much higher likelihood of developing Alzheimer’s. I just learned something cool with MS Word. If a word is underlined indicating a misspelling I can right click and it will give me spelling suggestion without me having to click on the ABC icon above. I hope that writing this down will help me remember it. Once I use this a few times it will stick.
     I took about an hour siesta. You know, where you’re kinda in and out of sleep. I watched the news after Cherie went back to work and would find myself opening my eyes and see I had missed about ten minutes. I turned off the TV and helped Carman find away under the covers. I think I will put a picture of Carman on the blog. I am sure there is some way to put it at this spot but I haven’t figured it out yet. I do know I can post the picture as a separate entry cause I have done it twice now. Don’t know how but the directions must be easy enough for me to follow cause I succeeded twice.
     I am still slow but much better than earlier. I know I have many things to do but I will try to just focus on one so it may happen. I could look around to discover what I need or would like to do but I have something right in front of me so that is it. No, wait, I told Cherie that I would cook dinner so I must plan for that so I can schedule what needs to be done. Otherwise I will forget. I need to cook some sweet potatoes so I will go get the other computer with the recipe’s on it fired up and searching now…
     OK got that done. Now once I get dinner figured out I will go back to my project for the day. That is to transfer the outline or map for the website that I wrote when sharp in just a few minutes to the computer. I knew I had drawn it up but had forgotten what I put down. When I looked at it earlier I was astonished at how much and what I had written.
     I have the easy listening elevator music on. That is probably not an accurate description of this play list. We have a wide variety of music from nature new age stuff to Boston Pops orchestra playing Celtic music on this play list. It really helps me when I am slow. In general my taste in music is dramatically mellowed out since the accident.  
     I really love this computer stuff. It’s a shame I learn slowly, you know, learn it till it stays. I got to use the spell correction thing I discovered just now so that will help me remember it. Here is a poetic irony. The more words I misspell the better I get at spell check. Aug…Sounded good in my head but when I wrote that down it’s dumb. The kind of thing I say in conversation where I don’t have time to think it through. Time to check the search results for sweet potatoes.    
     Well I solved the dinner thing. I won’t cook it. I love a simple solution to these complex problems. I called Cherie and she decided we will maintain our Friday tradition of going out to eat. I always look forward to seeing Cherie. Just last night we repeated the words we say so often. We look at each other and say “I still can’t believe your here with me, that we’re back together”. Every time I talk about it, whether to others or now as I write, I get watery eyes. Enough of that. Time to work on the outline.
     Got some stuff done on the outline then Cherie came home. We went to Don Pablos and enjoyed an excellent meal then came home. It is 9:37 and we are tired so I came out here to finish this entry and publish it on the blog. Night all.

102005 Thursday

10/20/05 Thursday
I woke up cloudy and with a headache. Am moving in slow motion. I looked at the calendar and it tells me today is when they have the MS luncheon. Hope I get better by then. I got out of bed to take my pill and use the restroom. I feel like crawling back under the covers. Carman kitty crawled under the sheets. He hasn’t done that since last winter so it is a sign it’s getting cold. I really don’t notice the cold much, just the heat.

Still slow. I called Wayne to let him know about the MS luncheon. I am still shuffling when I walk cause the right leg is not there this morning. Last night I couldn’t publish to the blog from word and never did figure it out. I think I will try now despite not being up to speed.
I don’t have a clue what I did but after thirty minutes of poking around I finally got yesterdays entry posted. I think this happened before. I am still slow and will be leaving in a half hour to get Wayne. I think I will leave early because I will be driving carefully.

I hate being out in public when I am slow. I picked up Wayne and headed to the restaurant for the MS luncheon. There was no one else there so we sat down and waited. Wayne could tell I wasn’t “feeling well” and said he understood why I had been crabby a lot lately. It is harder lately for me not to have patience or tolerance or whatever it is I need more of.
I was having a hard time keeping up with Wayne’s conversation getting distracted and having a hard time following the train of thought. We went ahead and ordered wondering if we should have come here at 11:30 instead of 11:00. Some others began to come in and asked if we were with the MS group.
As more people came, tables were pulled up to each other eventually reaching four. (I think) With each table came an increase in the amount of information my brain had to process and I was less able to keep up. I pretty much retreated and just sat there with my hands folded, listening to learn what I could. I would ask a question on occasion but don’t remember what about. I got Wayne to fill out some release forms for a study but didn’t know what the forms were till later. There was a pretty big group. I only recognized one girl, the one that has a muscle control problem that made simple things like eating a battle. She is a sweetheart and really an inspiration. Next to her my problems are nothing but she fights on, refusing to bow.
I was pretty much nonfunctional and glad to take Wayne home. By now my ears are ringing (as they are now as I write this) and I really can’t listen to Wayne as he talks about everything and drive also. I just focused on the road and Wayne’s voice just kind of became background noise. It was a good thing cause some guy stopped at a green light to let some little old lady cross the street. I hit the brakes hard and that stopped all conversation.... For a second; and then it was Wayne unloading his mind and me wanting to listen and help but having to focus on the road.
I was glad to get him home. I took his bag that contains all the paperwork he owns into the apartment, intending to go through it, organize it, and pull out the stuff pertinent to his social security appeal. I tried to concentrate on that simple task but Wayne couldn’t stop talking and ask questions despite me asking him for a few minutes. I could feel the frustration coming up and was pretty slow so I told Wayne I needed to go home.

Now I am home and don’t think I will do much for a while. OH yeah, for the record incase I forget, I slammed the car door on my finger at Wayne’s and just got the tip of it. I had to put on a band aid. I hate being slow.
It’s 8:38 now. Cherie made some chili which we enjoyed while watching TV on the bed. After that Cherie just conked out and started snoring when Alias came on. I got up and put the left over chili in a Tupperware bowl and then in the fridge. Cherie is starting to cook like Bob, making way more than two people will eat at one setting. Chili is better as it ages, at least up to the point it spoils.
We’re done for the night.

101905 Wednesday

10/19/05 Wednesday
     8:00 - I turned off the TV and am going to try and get stuff done. Cherie had her usual “I’m late” rush. I love her and want to help her fix that consistent problem but don’t think I will be able to. Of course her menopause makes this harder for Cherie, especially the hot flashes that are so strong they debilitate her. Anyway, I ironed her shirt and had just turned off the iron when I heard her voice coming from the bathroom “Oh no! Don’t turn off the iron! I need to iron my jeans.”. “Would you like me to iron them?” I asked, Cherie knowing she always feels bad to have me do things for her. “Would you mind???” was Cherie’s timid response as she felt guilty. This will always be there because it is a result of a her childhood, of always being wrong, in the way, or the cause of problems. I will spend the rest of my life helping Cherie set herself free from these things that shackle her mind.
     This morning I have to take Fred and Barb to the grocery store. When I told Fred yesterday, that Barb may have got her check and spent it, just telling you it didn’t get there to get you to buy food. “No, she would never do that. I told her that if she ever lies to me I’m done with her.” Fred said with conviction. “Fred, she’s been lying to you for over five years. Why would she stop now?” I told Fred. I left it at that. I don’t want to get him upset, just want to open his eyes a little.
     I suppose I should get ready for today. Taking Barb and Fred to the grocery store is seldom fun. I will have to stay with Fred to keep Barb from pulling one over on him, taking advantage of his blindness. I am Fred’s eyes.
     Boy the weather just changed. It was another bright cloudless morning and I had the blinds open to let as much light as possible in. As I was typing the previous paragraph it just got dark. Looking outside I see a solid blanket of cloud with a long clear edge where it is separating the beautiful blue sky from the earth. This is moving fast and with the loss of light comes a chill. There is also a change in me.. I can feel this change in my bones as the barometric pressure does it’s dramatic shift. It changes my mood and cognizance as well. I think I will close the windows now and get moving.
     It is now 1:00 and taking Fred and Barb to the store was every bit as fun as I thought it would be. My calendar said we were to go at 10:30 so I was moving accordingly, timing my actions so I would be ready at just the right moment. At 10:12 the phone rang just as I was getting my jeans on so I had to make a decision. Either I yank my pants up and hold them as I run to the phone or I waddle like a penguin with my jeans on my ankles. Or I could just let the voice mail take it. Hmm…but I know it’s Fred so I pull the jeans up and hang on to them as I scurry to the phone.
     “Hello Fred” I say after seeing the caller ID. “I’m ready when you are” Fred announced so I let him know it would be a few minutes. “I’ll just wait in the car” was Fred’s response and I know it was designed to hurry me. I’m not in a hurry.
     Fred told me that yesterday had been a hard day for him. He wasn’t doing to well today either. We stopped at Tom’s so Fred could cash a check and then headed to Barb’s. As I drove along I got to thinking about things and Fred’s voice woke me up as he asked which way I was going. I had been on auto pilot again and who knows where I would have ended up if Fred had not asked.
     We got to Barb’s and Fred went up while I waited. Dixie came out and got her paper so I yelled “Hi Dixie”. She waved and went in. She has not been doing to well lately. Hallucinating and isolating herself. Dawn came out also to ride with us so they all got in the car and we headed to Kroger. I got the Starbucks coffee that I lavish myself with on rare occasions and watched Barb and Fred start going through the produce area. Fred was already bitchy so I was glad to wait while they made this coffee concoction.
     By the time I got it and caught up with them Fred was kind of confused. Barb seemed upset that I showed up there and I know why. She wasn’t able get away with as much stuff with me there. I started helping Fred get what he needed and I had to check Barb when she wanted to hurry Fred so she could get what she wanted. Fred was trying to decide what kind of sausage he wanted and having a hard time making a decision. I would explain in simple terms what he was holding in his hands and he finally put both packages back. This would set the tone for the rest of the visit.
     They had both looked at the adds so Fred said “Where’s the black angus roast that’s on sale for $1.95?”. I told him it was back the way he had just come, he had walked by them. Then I directed Fred to the roasts in question and began to help him pick something out. He would peer at something intently and fondle it to see with his fingers. “It’s too fat” he would say so Barb and I would try to find another one. He wouldn’t decide and he wouldn’t decide again and again. “Fred, that’s the best one there is. Pick one and lets go.” I said getting impatient. He just looked at me holding the roast in his hand and said nothing. Barb and I started to move down the meat isle and then Fred put the roast in the cart he hangs on to and started to follow.
     Barb kept wanting us to go with her to get things she wanted like milk and ice cream. I told her to go get them and bring them back to the cart because I know Fred was not up to traipsing all over the store. Barb complained because she didn’t want to carry a half gallon of ice cream from two isles away. Tough.
     Fred kept throwing fits, worrying about his two or three items getting mixed with Barb’s. “No, That’s mine. It goes here, not with Barb’s stuff” Fred said as he took the TV dinner I just put in the cart and put it in the corner I had put his roast and Milk. After three or so of these events I told Fred “Fred, nobodies going to steal your stuff so just relax. I look after it for you.”. That mollified him for five minutes that we enjoyed.
     Fred wasn’t doing well and I could see him having a harder time walking. He would say “Lets get out of here” and then start peering into the glass freezer doors. Looking at some Michelena’s he asked “Is that Staufers”. Now it was lots of decisions he couldn’t make. We went through everything in the fifteen or so freezer cases with me saying “That’s Banquet meals. There’s chicken Alfredo, Salisbury steaks, Fried Chicken” and on. He would make a choice and say “Lets get out of here”. I would start walking towards the register and looking back see Fred peering through another door at what he cannot see.
     This time I just let him gaze intently and pretend to see, not going over and reading every package in the case as I always do. Fred bobbed his head up and down at the glass door for maybe five minutes till Barb then started to tell him what was in the case. There was nothing he was interested in so the job for me now was to get him to a register without to many stops.
     “Make sure my stuff is bagged separate from Barbs. Don’t let them get mixed up.” Fred yelled as I began to put his five items on the register conveyor. He sent Barb to get him a loaf of bread and she took forever holding up the line. Come to find out she had picked up a toothbrush kit and slipped it in with her groceries so He wouldn’t see. I was up front and didn’t see either but it was there after everything got paid for. Who knows. All I know is I was glad to take them all home and come up here to my home also. Home is a good thing. It is 2:00 now.
     I am to fix dinner tonight and had forgotten till this moment. I better go look to see what there is in the fridge and get focused or I will forget till Cherie walks in from work. I have a headache and do not feel good. Tired and a little thick. My leg is not working well also. I know what I will fix for dinner but will have to go to the store and pick up cream of mushroom soup. Don’t feel like going but will anyway. Need eggs also.
     Just got back from the store. Got cream of mushroom and cream of celery. I don’t have a clue what that tastes like but am curious. We have the meatballs left I made before and I was thinking of doing them in the mushroom but may try the cream of celery. I am kind of slow so it took a while for me to get through the store. I remembered everything with out a list. Drove home slowly. I stopped on the way to Kroger at the car wash. I had gone to Fred for the money and he didn’t bitch much. I used the auto wash instead of doing it myself. Then I drove off in the wrong direction and took the long way to Kroger. The store makes me kind of dizzy as I process the myriad of sensory input. It is at these times that decision making is hard so it took a while to decide and get the hand carry basket.
     You’ll notice I have a hard time finding the right words for things sometimes. I think I will have to quit writing for now. I washed the dishes and then vacuumed the rug in the living room. I know what to cook for dinner except which soup. I am a good house husband, or at least a high average. Of course the word sometimes should be in that last sentence. Now that I vacuumed I think I will wood carve which will make another mess. Time to do the relax thing.
     I never carved and don’t really know what I did after that till I went to the store to get cream of mushroom soup. I got cream of celery also and tried that with the meatballs. It was real good. It is 9:00 now and I am just finishing this before I publish it to the blog. Not real speedy. Oh yeah, Cherie and I went to the park to walk. Didn’t see any deer but we enjoyed the tranquility and each other. The leaves are falling and some of the trees are getting their fall colors now. We love the clean earthy  smell. Cherie laughs and looks beautiful. It is one of those moments I look forward to.
     I am tired and will go to bed now.

the Love of my life

101805 Tuesday

10/18/05 Tuesday
     It is a bright, cloudless, cool day. I opened the blinds to let as much light in as possible. I am excited about carving again and this would be a good time. Last night I kept carving as long as I could but even with all the lights on I couldn’t see well enough after 5. Right now the sun comes right in because our window faces the East.
(Note to self-You want to write about talking to Virginia and the effect of knowing someone reads this.)
     Alright. With that reminder for this easily distracted mind I will rush off and shower, shave, and eat. I’m running at a good seven on the Bob scale. I will be conflicted over setting priorities with what to do with my time. I want to carve but I need to work on Wayne’s stuff and I need to get stuff started on the website content.
     I haven’t taken my pill yet this morning and need to do so. It is 8:54 right now. I am feeling the sensation of hunger which is rare for me. One of the things that I lost along with my sense of taste and smell.
     What is strange is these senses come and go as they wish, kinda wander in and wander out. They seem to be working more nowadays than before but I don’t have as many spikes where these senses are amplified. I remember walking downtown during one of these spikes.
     There was a light breeze and it was sunny like it is today. As I walked past some flowering plants near the Catholic Center I could smell their aroma in a kinda crisp and clean way. Then I could smell everything coming in on this breeze. Trash, exhaust, food, I could smell it all and knew the trash was far away. Now, to add to this increase of information my mind needed to process my hearing starts picking up the noises coming with these odors. The cars as I walked into the heart of downtown, the noise from a restaurant kitchen, and as I passed the alley behind it their dumpster.
     It was nearing lunch time or something because there was lots of people on the sidewalks. They all had someplace to be and a time to get there so I maintained my pace so as not to get run over. I could hear the conversations of every one around, a cacophony of chatter that I was only able to catch strings of. I could also smell the perfumes, colognes, and the body odors in this throng especially from the street people.
     I am glad these spikes don’t come as often because they can sometimes be overwhelming. But at the same time it is fantastic when you are eating a nice meal to experience the flavors and smells in this pronounced way.
     Ooops. I got to writing that and never got to the shower and stuff. Today I will take Barb to the Zeph Center. That is at 3:30.
     Alright Bob, way to go. It is 10:00 and I am dressed, fed, and have no place to go. I’ll take any accomplishment. Now I face the same dilemma as before. What to do. I think I will opt for carving for the morning is when the light is best and I am not yet able to move the sun so I will take advantage of it while I can.
     I took the pill an hour or so ago and now am feeling kinda tired. I was pretty bright earlier and think this tiredness comes at around the same time each day. If it the pill I don’t like it. Perhaps they have something else that won’t dope me up. The Dilantin was worse. Perhaps I should reduce it. I don’t know. Having seizures is not fun but the reality is the slow downs, which are partial seizures, haven’t abated. At least not last week. Now I just want to lay down. Not good.
     Now I can feel the headache creeping around in my head. It is hiding behind my eyebrows and sitting on top of the eyeballs. If I ignore it and get focused on something else it slinks back but thinking about it is like feeding it giving it boldness and strength. Duh! So stop writing about it dummy, that’s thinking with amplification.
     Now I’m off to carve.
Never carved. Not yet. I laid down. The headache made it and I took aspirin and Tramadol but that won’t help this fatigue. As soon as I got comfortable for a long stay on the toilette the cell phone rang. Of course, impeccable timing, it must be Fred. I didn’t hurry to get to the phone as some things you don’t rush. Then the regular phone rang which made me sure it was Fred, in a hurry to reach me. I answered the phone with “Hi Fred” and it was Fred. I told him I was on the crapper when he called and heard the phone ring to let him know I was inconvenienced. He inquired when I was going to pick up Barb with his usual urgency that I get there early. I will pick up the package of stuff I took him to the store last week to buy and take it to Barb.
     It is frustrating to have this slow down in the middle of the day. To bad I can’t schedule them for when I sleep. Maybe I should try some of the herbal stuff that can help sometimes but not always. Just taking a nap sounds best. I need a Tums now for an acid stomach. That has been happening again.
     Good. The herbal stuff did help clear up my head a little bit and the pain is less noticeable as well. It didn’t touch the headache just the back and neck pain. I think I will try to carve now.
         Maybe not. I just got into a puzzle I noticed yesterday. It seems that the heading at the top said Journal,word-editing 101205. This was a change from the original title so I dug in to see what was up. Eventually I found the original journal which ended on 9/11/05. That was the time I was trying to back up this journal on CD with much difficulty. Somehow I did this mix up then and now have to figure out how to fix it. I pasted what was missed onto the original journal which is where I am writing now. The short cut takes me to the other journal that has “Editing” in the title. Hope I can do this without erasing everything. I should back this up onto the CD I finally learned how to make the last time. Unfortunately that means I have to learn it all over again because it vanished from this brain. Such is life with a brain injury, learning the same thing over again and again till it finally sticks through repetition. Then it still fades over time if not used.
     I am glad the brain is clearer and that makes me bold enough to try and fix this thing…… Now I know it is not really good to walk around bragging but I am impressed with myself. I was able to figure out and fix this little problem without losing my data. You know what that means???   I have graduated up to a third graders technical computer abilities. I want my teacher to paste a gold star by my name. Oh wait. I’m my teacher. Well I think I will have to put gold stars on the shopping list so I have some for these momentous occasions. Don’t want to put them on this laptop so I reckon I’ll have to paste them on my forehead.
     I love it when I get my brain back. It helps my sense of humor which I cherish. Humor has kept me alive and now helps Cherie. If I didn’t laugh I would cry and that is no fun. I love making Cherie laugh and Cherie is the same with me. When either of us is having a hard time the other works to get that smile even if it takes all day.
     I really wish I could record some of the antics we go through. We do some regular routines. Just yesterday I had Cherie laughing so hard it hurt. We are getting all kinds of mail because our bankruptcy is now listed on the computers. Some of the stuff is hilarious. One offer I began to mock, reading the many pieces that came in the big envelope with an uneducated country hick kind of voice.  
      The ad is a real slick piece that is well put together. The sad thing is I used to teach companies how to do this stuff and I recognize the techniques used. It started with the outside of the envelope. “We’re Looking for People to Test Automotive Products (And Keep All Test Products FREE!)” That’s the hook and then they put in a sense of urgency “We need to hear from you in 10 days”. Strategically placed in a small window you can just see your name embossed in raised silver letters on what resembles a credit card and the title “Charter Member”. Of course they threw in some letters and numbers to look like an account number.
     That’s the front of the envelope, turn it around and you see the bait on the hook.  All they want to do is get you to open this envelope. “Which Free Gift Could You Get?” it says in big letters across the top and underneath are two pictures. By this time I have gone into dumb hick mode. “HEY, lookie here baby, I can get lots of free stuff” I drawl in my best backwoods accent.  OH!! Look on the back, I gets a free wash mitt or a two in one AAutow duster…OOr maybe both. Just have to scratch to see. Hey lets hurry up and open this to see if we got both.” I said feigning excitement.
     Cherie is laughing and that encourages me to keep going. Inside there was a four page letter written on paper that is twice the size of a regular page. It is written at about a fourth grade level and I started reading it in hick mode, making comments all along the way. “Look honey…I’ve been nominated, and I can get some free aluminum rims”
     It was fun. You should have been there. Life is good because we decide to make life good no matter how bad it seems.
     That was not fun. I tried to get a picture of Cherie to put right here and though I had deleted them all. Fixed that but it took an hour. Now lets try putting that picture here.
(image placeholder)
Hooray, there’s the woman I love. I got to get ready to pick up Barb. I haven’t gotten much done but I did write some. Just not what I need to be writing. I will take this with me as I may be sitting out in the car for a while. Then I can start organizing the website contents. I already did it on paper just have to translate it into computerese.
     Damn I forgot the written outline for the site so will create another one and in doing so will entertain some new ideas.
     It is 10:30 at night now. I am tired and won’t fill in the rest of the day. I did get Barb to her doctor and took her to the Pharm to get cat food. When I got home Fred was waiting. As he talked about Barb he got indignant. “You know they didn’t send Barb her check again” Fred told me in a huff as we set up a time for me to take him and Barb to the grocery store. I just looked at Fred and told him she could well have gotten the check and spent the money. “No, no, I know Barb. She wouldn’t do that.” Fred protested. It is sad to see his blindness and faith in Barb. And she could well just be a victim of those around her.
     Cherie can help me fill in the rest of the day cause I don’t remember it.

OK, that didn't work the first time so lets see if this will get the picture on.

101705 Monday

10/17/05 Monday
     Not doing bad except for fighting this cold. I seem to be typing well this morning and would say operating at a 7 ½ or so. Not bad, not good, but I’m grateful for what I get. Every day I wake up is a gift so I will make the best of it. There is nothing scheduled so I have hope of a nice day where I may get some things done. Just thinking about that reminds me I need to go through Wayne’s stuff and organize it as well as make a to do list for him. It bothers me that I take on projects, knowing what needs to be done and confident that I can do it, but it doesn’t get done. A part of me sees these tasks as simple for they once were but that part refuses to recognize this thing they call disability. I need to schedule these tasks for as always, if it isn’t written down it won’t happen.
     It is 9:00 so I am off to a slow start. There is a cloudless sky out there and was 33 degrees this morning. Cold weather is coming. I am debating making multiple small blog posts as I go through the day. It may elicit some responses as the day unfolds, a kind of ongoing conversation with the unknown millions who are following my every word. At least in my imagination. Hey, it sounds good. I think the odds are pretty good I have a rather limited audience but it’s nice to dream.
     Cherie’s gone to work now. I need to jump start myself and kick it in gear. Don’t want to waste good brain time. I think a shower and quick breakfast will get me moving. Right now my cognizance has increased to an 8. We are now approaching Prime Time, at least I hope so. These are the times this damaged brain operates at something resembling it’s former ability. These periods usually only last a short time so I like to make good use of them.
     I just spent the last two hours studying website hosts and related things. I only understand a portion of what they presented. I found a site that lists and rates companies and services. I put it in favorites so I can find it later. There are so many tools available that would tremendously help me with this disability. I just have to learn how to use them and then use them till it sticks in the brain. Right now I don’t even recognize words that are to the writer simple basics. What is Pop 3 E-mail? I hear about it but am clueless. It would be nice to find an educational site for dummies. I took my pill and now I am getting tired. Have to wonder if it is the meds dragging me down. They are mowing outside and I am getting a headache. I’ll close the windows to reduce the noise that is violent to my ears at the moment.
     It’s time. The headache and ringing ears are coming on. I think I will carve instead of trying to write. I haven’t touched my tools for quite a while. I would guess march or so. That would probably be good for me and help me to think. I better take some aspirin while I am thinking about it.
     I just looked at some simple stuff like removing the one toolbar above that I really don’t have a use for or know what it does. I am getting to confused to easily so I am slowing down. Definitely will try to carve. Everything else will just bother me. Hate this.
     Wow. I had forgotten about carving. How relaxing it is to focus on something while all your other problems fade, only cropping up on occasion. I had also forgotten how much pain it causes when I sit on the ground and carve. My legs become frozen and it is difficult to straighten them and that is where the pain really comes in. I sure miss my work bench. I still have one at my old warehouse but I can’t get to it and have no place to put it.
     I have started back on the carving I was making as a wedding gift or something commemorating our marriage. It got put away when I missed up the wolf but I have that figured out now. It will be good to do this again. I will now go back to carving despite the certain pain. Got to do what ya got to do. No good thing comes without a cost.
     Linda Holland (I think) called. She is the girl Virginia had problems with and was getting money out of Minnie Lee. I think this is the first time she has ever called me here in Toledo. She said that Lee is getting worse and is unresponsive much of the time. She was anxious to keep talking to me and would not let go. “Thanks for calling Linda, we appreciate it. I’ve gotta go now.” I said three times before she finally got it. She told a story about when she visited Lee told her that there was an old man who stayed by the bed and would pat her hand. Linda started going on about an angel and I had enough.
     I called Virginia after that and left a message on her machine. I am kind of wondering about Linda’s motive in her calling me. Her track record is not good. I just left an E mail for Virginia. I think I will get the picture of the woodcarving and put it right here.
(image placeholder)

101605 Sunday

10/16/05 Sunday
     It’s 2:23 and I am just now turning on this laptop. We’ve had breakfast and gone to church. They had an older woman as a guest speaker and she was surprisingly good. I had sat down because of discomfort of the back as I usually do. Hope others don’t think I am having faith issues or something because I don’t get up and clap and dance. I do have faith issues as most do but it has little to do with my demeanor in church. Any way I was studying Balaam in Numbers 22 and the speaker caught my attention as she got down to basics. Usually when I get into reading Bible stuff I stay focused on the subject and don’t pay much attention to the speaker.
     Of course that is what I do, focusing on one subject at the expense of others. As I was writing I realized that I had been in the middle of making meatballs when I turned on this computer. That was a while ago. Time to get to the kitchen before I get distracted again.
     It was a good day and we were busy, I think. Can’t remember much other than a nice walk at Swan Creek Metropark with Cherie and that the meatballs were real good. My sense of taste was doing one of those peaks where every flavor is pronounced and distinct. I did not have a slow down and yesterday was good also. Perhaps even the day before but I will have to look at earlier entries to see.

101505 Saturday

10/15/05 Saturday
     This is the first morning that I woke up clearheaded in three or four days. I’m still tired. We had French toast to use up the last of the maple syrup this morning. The weather is perfect outside and it would be good for me to get out. I probably should call Fred to see if he would like to get out. I am going to try and schedule this day so I get some stuff done. It seems hard for Cherie to do that but she needs to work with me on that. She is going to the storage unit today.
     Cherie just pointed something out that I corrected. It is a classic illustration of one of the anomalies with my brain damage. I had written a few sentences ago “We had English toast” so Cherie told me to read it and tell her what was wrong with it. I didn’t see anything wrong even after she read it out loud to me. Then she pointed out that we didn’t have English toast and I still didn’t get it. “It’s French toast” She told me and added “Oh my God, you write the same way you talk”. This refers to the fact that sometimes my mind supplies the wrong word as I talk. It can sometimes be embarrassing and surprising. I think part of this is from when my brain tried to restore damaged neural pathways and some of them are still short circuited. Fortunately the brain often corrects itself as I become aware of the proper word.
     I will take Fred shopping in about an hour at 1:00.
I brushed my teeth to make sure I did. Cherie reminded me I had already showered so I wouldn’t, having forgotten, shower again. I don’t know if I had but can look in the mirror to see I didn’t shave. I got fifteen minutes before I help Fred escape so got to go shave.
     Fred was glad to get out and asked me where my coat was. I told him I was comfortable and it was a beautiful day out, a good day to get out. As we drove to the Pharm Fred said “Barb actually called me this morning, can you believe that.” I resisted asking him “what did she want?” because it would not help Fred talk. He doesn’t want to face up to the fact she uses him and knows how I feel about it so sheepishly states “She’s out of a few things. I might get her something.” I kinda feel bad about making him uncomfortable but will always be honest.
     At the Pharm I was Fred’s eyes as always. Because he is hard of hearing I must speak loudly. This can sometimes be a show for the other shoppers as I try to explain to Fred what he’s looking at.
     We went to Sam’s to have my new glasses fixed. It took quite a while before someone was able to help us. The guy was trying to joke or something when he looked at me and said “You broke them didn’t you?”. I said no I didn’t break it, it broke, but he seemed eager to hear me say I broke it so he repeated the question. I had been waiting for 30 minutes and wasn’t real patient so I leaned over the counter and looked down at him. “fix it” I told him and he decided not to kid around anymore. He had the nose pieces replaced as quickly as he could and we were on our way.
     Cherie and I looked through Sam’s and she showed me something she had been looking at. She was all nervous and exploring how I felt all the way through the store. I started teasing her pointing to things like the $2000.00 plasma TV. “Is that it, I’d like one of those” We came up to a telescope that was real nice and that was it. I loved looking at her face as she smiled when I told her it was cool. I said we wouldn’t get one till we moved to Texas cause you can’t see the stars in Toledo because of the city lights.
     As we left I asked Cherie what she wanted to do for dinner and we wandered to a place called the Brew House that looked interesting. It looked good when we went in and the menu looked interesting. I had shrimp and Cherie had some kind of chicken pasta and both sucked. The manager came buy asking how things were and I said I wasn’t happy. The shrimp were overcooked and tough and the corn on the cob was mush so she took what I had back and had a new batch made for me. That was good. Food was tired and had that precooked warmed up feel but the service was correct. We won’t go back.
     It’s 10:00 now and I am trying to stay awake. Lots of news today. A group of about 20 neo Nazis were going to march in the north end where there is lots of gang activity. They had come from another state and really just want to create a lot of tension so they can get attention and thus find gullible hateful minds to mold. They did that and really didn’t get to march, just stirred everything up while under police protection and then left town. What a bunch of cowards. They wouldn’t be there at all without protection. These are the kind of people who would gladly gang up an a lone hellpess person and after beating him would all pat each other on the back thinking they had done something to be proud of. F ing idiots.
     I think I will call it a day. Good night.

101405 Friday

10/14/05 Friday
     This sucks. I woke up worn out again. Cherie said she was up about ten times last night having to pee. This is a sign of something but I don’t know what. I am sure this contributed to my being tired this morning but I think there is more than that. Cherie has been fighting off something and she is sneezing and coughing and her sinuses are going. I haven’t been that bad but the headaches may be from sinuses or made worse by them.
     I woke with a headache so need to take something for it. I am not real slow but my head feel like it is pressurized and that makes it harder to think. I still lose my train of thought and have to figure out what I was going to write next. That’s right, going to see Jeff.
     Jeff didn’t make it to the Waffle House this morning. I called him after I finished my coffee. He had been up but it just slipped his mind it was Friday. He said he could get out of his robe, dressed, and be there in five minutes. That would be nuts and I really didn’t feel like putting him through that so I said “Hey Jeff, it’s not that big of a deal, how about we meet next week.” That worked well and is what we will do.
     I ordered breakfast and looking into my wallet saw I only had four dollars which just covered what I ordered. I told myself I need to immediately stop at the bank and get some cash. That was gone when I walked out the door. I went and picked up Cherie’s check and called Barb to see if she was up and still wanted to go to the church. She never answered so I headed home. Right when I turned onto Airport Hwy. the phone rang and it was Barb. She said she was up and ready to go but when I told her I would be there in fifteen minutes it was “Oh! I’d better get dressed”. I told her to get anyone else going up and ready.
     When I got there she was at Dawn’s door. She let me know that Dawn would be out soon and asked if I wanted some coffee. “No, we need to get moving.” I told her so eventually they both made it to the car. Barb had called yesterday and told me Dixie was hearing voices again and not coming out. I had advised her to call Dixie’s case worker. Forgot to ask about that but Barb said she couldn’t get Dixie up or didn’t want to go.
     I got them to Pilgrims Church and stayed in the car, enjoying the cool air and radio as I fought the tiredness and worked on ignoring the headache. I thought about all kinds of things to do and pondered problems of the world. Hell, I may of come up with some great answers and concepts but if I did it’s gone now. I’ll be positive and pretend I did do all that. Who knows, the deepest thought I may have had as I waited in the parking lot was wondering about the cat I saw in the upstairs window of the building across the parking lot.
     Dawn and Barb made it out so I popped the trunk so they could load it. They get a lot of stuff here. I tried to get Wayne to go but he was up till 3:00 in the morning feuding with the guy upstairs. I heard more about that later, when I talked to Sharon.
     I don’t know when but I called Sharon this morning and she actually answered the phone. I was half afraid she would hang up or still be mad but she wasn’t. I apologized to her and she said it happens and she was not upset. That was a relief and Sharon then said that she had the phone off the hook for days and had just turned it on this morning. I asked about bringing the Paxil Papers over but she wasn’t presentable so maybe later. Now I know when I called her. It was here in the apartment before I left this morning. As I write about it I became able to unlock the door behind which stood this memory. That is the purpose of this journal, to give me the keys to unlock memories.
     I got home and knocked on Fred’s door to give him a dessert Barb got from the church and wanted me to give him. Fred was glad to have company and wanted to talk. He asked me how I was doing so I told him we were fighting off something. “What, your fighting with Cherie?” Fred said. “No Fred, we’ve been sick” I exclaimed loud enough for Fred to hear but he still didn’t understand so I made it simple for him. “We’ve got the flu and I don’t want to give it to you so I have to go.” I said and headed up the stairs.
     We don’t have the flu, at least I don’t think so. It’s probably a bad cold. I don’t know but I have not been doing well for a few days (I’d have to check earlier entries to know for sure) and walking has been particularly hard for me. It’s 2:29 right now. I am not real slow like yesterday but not real speedy either. I’m running at a 6 right now. I think a lot of it is this cold or whatever and the increase of pain levels in both my back and my head.
     I laid down about an hour ago when Cherie went shopping and to deposit her check. Oh yeah! Cherie came home for the day at lunch. She is getting sick to the point it affected her work and they asked her if she wanted to go home. When Cherie was telling me about it she was laughing because of the antics of one of her coworkers. I think her name is Debbie but can’t be sure. It is so good for Cherie to work with people who are comfortable and fun to be around. This is a big part of her regaining confidence, trust, and self esteem. To be around others who accept her and can be trusted, coupled with work that is stimulating and rewarding is just what the doctor would have ordered. We are blessed.

101305 Thursday

10/13/05 Thursday
     Woke up slow. Hate when that happens. Maybe shower and breakfast would help. I remembered I was to help Cherie get to work on time by fixing breakfast but she didn’t want any. She was on her computer looking at Trellix web, the website builder software when I got up. I made some coffee and poured a glass of orange juice to take my pill with. Cherie asked me to pour her a bowl of cereal and then to iron her T-shirt. She was still running late leaving at a time where if she made every light and there was no traffic or police she might make it to work on time. It’s not good to always be in a rush. I think it would increase the likely hood of an accident.
     I don’t have anything scheduled today which works with me being slow. Yesterday I put lots of stuff on paper mapping out the website. Now I just have to figure out how to do it. As I slowly work thru writing this I think of a good way to organize my work on the site. I will make a folder for every room so I can fill it with the contents of that room. Pictures, writings and all.
     I think I will hit the shower to see if that speeds me up. The ears ringing thing is back along with the dizziness. …….The shower didn’t help. Still slow but I remembered Cherie asked me to wash the towels. That’s pretty amazing for me to remember that when I am this slow. I will fix something to eat now. AND put the laundry in the middle of the room so I don’t forget it. I need to use the timer so when it goes off I remember I got stuff in the machine.
     I took the trash out, intending to look in on the laundry when I came back. That thought was gone by the time I got outside. When I came back in Fred was waiting. He just kinda made conversation asking about the weather and if I had anything planned.      He never got around to asking me to take him out of his cell and I’m not doing well at all. “Fred, I’m not doing well and am going to lay down” I told him. I had every intention of doing just that but when I went to make this entry saw I had laundry downstairs. I had turned off the timer, confident I would go after the garbage. Better go right now.
     Cherie just left to go back to work. I am always happy to see her. Kinda like the sun coming out when she walks in the room. The timer beeped so I went down to get the laundry. Using that timer helps a lot when I am slow. Still there and may even be worse than this morning. Sinuses are working over time so maybe that is contributing to this. Now that I think about it I think I have been forgetting to take aspirin for hours now. Headache won’t let me forget long.
     It is 2:30 now. I am still doing poorly. When I got up to reheat the coffee I had warmed up an hour or so ago and forgot I had a hard time walking. The headache is getting worse. Guess I will take a Tramadol and my second pill. I heard the microwave ring so I better get the coffee before I forget.
     4:05. It’s a good thing I use a pill minder cause I never took the seizure pill. I checked it to see if I had. Still real slow. Walking like I am tipsy with an occasional stumble. Going to get the Tramadol now and back to bed. Might shut the blinds to darken the room.
     It’s 6:30. We just got back from Subway where we went for dinner. I am at the level that I had Cherie drive. Real slow. I have a hard time walking and have to be touching something so I don’t start to topple.

101205 Wednesday

10/12/05 Wednesday
     I was sure today was the twelfth  and checked to make sure it was. It is good when I remember the date. I know I am to pick up Sharon this morning and have been worrying about her. We tried to call her a few times with no answer. Yesterday I called at 7:00, again there was no answer. I wonder if she has caller ID and just refuses to answer. I know that among the issues she has is paranoia and a tendency to build things up in her mind till it becomes delusional. By this time the results of my getting angry with her may have her viewing me as her enemy and she will have searched her memories for anything I did that can be construed as a violation of her trust. She will do what we all do, She will build up a case in her mind that justifies her opinion,  something that can be presented in a courtroom. “Yeah but he did this and he did that and I know what else he did.” She did this about Wayne also.
     I feel pretty bad about this but it will be difficult to fix it if she won’t talk. I just tried to call her again and there is still no answer. I still have this pile of stuff on Paxil with me and will drop it off to see how she’s doing. With the intense withdrawal symptoms from this drug can come symptoms like suicidal and homicidal thoughts and hallucination. She has called for an ambulance more than once because of this withdrawal.
     Cherie had a rough morning and was running late and getting upset. She said she was going to have to get me up to fix breakfast cause she is hungry. She had tried to get all the bills paid and that had put her behind and she didn’t finish. We had talked about it last night and I told her we need to pay our bills on the first of the month and she was to do that from now on. Here we are filing bankruptcy and we need to reestablish our credit so we need to make every payment on time because it shows up on the credit reports. At least I think it does. I never had in mind Cherie doing all this stuff this morning but that is Cherie. Her reflexes were honed by her parents to jump when she did a perceived wrong and make it right. This could have waited till this evening. I had asked Cherie how to do this bill paying and bank stuff on the computer and she did but I can’t remember much at all. Especially where to find the site on the computer. I can follow the directions but some days that is hard.
     I am running about a 7 this morning. Had three cups of coffee and should eat. It is one of those dreary, overcast, damp, and cool days. It works for me. I will put the “easy listening” music on and try to get stuff done without getting distracted. Of course getting distracted is a problem as I forget what I was doing. This is also one of the reasons putting this website together is so hard. I think of something I want to do with the website and by later, when I get to the computer, the thought is gone. And adding to that is that I have to relearn how to use the software each time and seem to get confused with it. Perhaps going slow will help and I am trying to carry a notebook and pen with me to record these concepts. If something is written down it can happen, otherwise it’s gone.
     I can’t believe it is already 10:48. I showered and then fixed a fried egg muffin with cheese and bacon on it. I just got done washing the dishes which always aggravates my back pain. Sitting down only helps if I don’t slouch. I took my pill and vitamins. Right now the headache is growing in the front of my skull and I am slowing down. I will grab some aspirin and get back to work. It is too early for me to be tired.
     I think I will start over on the website. I was using a template for a business website. That was adding to my confusion as I would label a button to go to a page only to see it is set up to list employees with all their information. I may have found a blank template where I have to do everything from scratch. I will explore that and see if there is some kind of tutorial in Microsoft Publisher. I may have already gone through the tutorial but there is no memory of it.
     Fred called right in the middle of me writing an outline of The Story room. He asked me to come down and program his scanner for him. It seems I had tried to do this before and couldn’t. I sat down and read the instruction manual and did what I thought it said to do but no matter what it wouldn’t do what Fred asked for. Actually I never could figure out what Fred wanted. The frequencies he wanted me to program in are already there. Now I remember doing the exact same thing the last time. Fred is saying something about he wanted the channel changed as he pointed to a corner of the screen. The lettering is so small I have to squint so I know Fred couldn’t see it at all.      Right in the middle of all this Cherie calls. I try to talk with her and figure out what Fred wanted at the same time. She was talkative and asking if I ate while letting me know she decided to stay at work for lunch. I had to cut her off so I could continue getting frustrated at Fred and his machine. It didn’t take me long to look at Fred and say “I can’t figure this out Fred. I give up.” I still am unsure what Fred wanted but that’s ok. I’m tired now. The aspirin didn’t touch the headache.
     It’s 1:20 now. I don’t notice the headache as much. I vacuumed the carpet finally. The little marvelously compact vacuum Cherie got has a high pitched super sonic wail that just hurts. I will be glad when we can have a house of our own. A house where we can create the dream we both have. To live together, to grow old together, to enjoy life together, and to do good together. I still marvel at us coming back together after twenty years. I am filled when she laughs, we are complete. I know, I got it bad. And love every minute of it.
     I’m doing better with paper and pencil designing this website. The more I map this out the more work I see I need to do. I think what I will do is prioritize the work and get something out that is complete. Then I can start building the rooms and perhaps it will interest others to watch the blanks get filled. At my speed it may take years. I think I will fix a peanut butter English muffin and take my second pill. The right ear is ringing now and kind of dizzy.
     Hope the food helps along with the pill. I’m still not sure just how bad I need the pill.
     I just tried to put my picture on the blog but got confused. Getting pretty slow. I had to comeback and write about this. Both of my hands are kinda numb and tingly. Real dizzy and ears ringing. Time to lay down.  
     That came on fast. I am better now. Cherie came home and fixed a nice chicken thing with noodles and I made some desert with maraschino cherries that turned out good.

101105 Tuesday

10/11/05 Tuesday
     Well I remember the date this morning without looking in the calendar. That is good. I woke up feeling like I worked all night and wanted to close back my eyes and curl up under the warm blankets. But Cherie had turned on the TV and brought me some Bob coffee, forcing my brain to wake up as I began to listen to the news. She is so cool and that was one of the gentlest wake ups I have had. I wonder if I am fighting something off because of how my head feels.
     Fred called last night and wants to return the shredder he bought yesterday. The phone rang just as I start to write about Fred. It’s Fred. I convinced him to let me look at it before we return it so he’s calling to see if I’m ready to come look at it. “Fred, I have to shower and get moving so I’ll call you when I am done.”
     Sure enough the shredder was just fine, Fred just didn’t understand how to work it and can’t see to read the directions or the one switch. The real problem he had is he didn’t know that the shredder had a switch that activated the motor when you put a piece of paper in it. I showed him how it worked and he evidently was able to shred something but after the paper went through the machine stopped. Hence it is broken. I explained all this and told him that the other shredder that he gave us was the same way and worked fine. He had been plugging and unplugging that shredder for a couple of years when all he had to do was put the paper in.
     With all that done I came up here and started organizing Wayne’s stuff and get out what I would need when I take him to the Zeph Center. I decided I would make copies of these assessments we got from the lawyer and that turned into a big challenge. I scanned and scanned and could not find where they were saved to or anything. Then I run the scanner, faithfully following the directions on the screen, secure in the fact that I will have all four pages together. No and No. Nothing worked but at least I figured out how to save one image at a time and did that painstakingly slow process. I know I had figured all this out before but it’s gone now. It’s is so much fun to  learn the same thing over again like it was the first time you ever saw it.
     At this point I am not to swift. I started that almost two hours ago. Hope I am clear when I take Wayne in. I went ahead and copied the rest of the forms. The lawyer had said he developed these forms himself but one of them was copied right out of a law book because it still had reference and page numbers. He didn’t even have his secretary retype it, just made copies of the copies. One page even still had some former clients name.
     Fred just called again. Now the shredder is broken again. “Maybe we should take it back” he tells me when I walk in. I look at it and immediately see the problem. Fred uses one of those outlet plug ins that give you six plugs for the price of one. The only problem is that the slots where the plug goes in are so close to the edge that Fred had one tang in the outlet and the other exposed along the side of the outlet. With Fred’s blindness he thought he had plugged it in right.
     I explained the problem and plugged the shredder in with confidence that I had saved the day. It didn’t work, the light didn’t come on, and no matter how many times I tried to force paper through and plugged it in to different outlets it wouldn’t work. “Well Fred, I reckon we best be taking this here thing back to the store” I said with resignation. As I began to pack it up I noticed a wee little slot on the bottom of this thing. What was that? I thought and picked it up to look closer. Sure enough it is a safety switch to prevent the shredder from running when it is removed from the basket that catches the shredded paper. I see that the machine could only work if it faced the correct direction and showed Fred how to do it, taking his finger so he could feel the slot and the opening that needs to face forward. I know he can see better with his fingers than his eyes.
     It is time for me to prepare to go to the Zeph Center with Wayne. I need to take my pill early and some aspirin and body ache pills. I am having the ears ringing along with that strange lightheaded feeling where everything feels disconnected. I did eat breakfast so should grab a snack other than the apple crisp that calls me whenever I open the fridge.
     I got Wayne to Zeph and went in with him to see the psych. I told her how I was gathering the medical evidence needed for Wayne’s hearing at social security and asked if she would fill out the assessment of Wayne’s mental status. At first she wasn’t’ sure and when she started looking through the four page assessment she began to ask Wayne questions and filling in the form based on her observations. Many of the questions were identical to some of the verbal tests I have been given such as counting down from 100 by subtracting seven. In the end she completed the assessment and signed it. I asked her to make a copy and put it in his file and she said that was standard procedure.
     I took Wayne out to Kroger after that to get groceries and essentials like toilet paper. Then I took him home. Right now I can’t remember much of the rest of the evening other than I fixed dinner. It was fairly good, smoked sausage and rice with a soup made of whatever I could find in the fridge that either got cooked or tossed.
That’s pretty much it for today.  

101005 Monday

10/10/05 Monday
     I woke up tired and slow. Hate to start the day that way. When I turned my phone on there were two voice mails on it. They were from Ahmed. I forgot that he needs me to get him to his truck. I want to not call but must do what I say. OK I called but there was no answer. OOP’s the phone’s ringing. That would be Ahmed calling back. It was and he asked if I could take him to his truck. I looked at the clock and at 8:15, with me needing to shower and eat, plus having to take Fred to a variety of places, on top of an hour drive there and back I had to tell him no. Suppose it’s time to get my butt moving.
     When I’m slow everything slows down. It took me an hour to get cleaned up and dressed. I think this normally takes maybe twenty minutes but can’t really remember. All I know is that on days like this it is like waking up many times a day. I’ll be going along and look at a clock to see an hour or three has gone by. I will have to stop and think for a while to remember what I was doing or was supposed to be doing. Kinda like the momentary confusion when your mind is sorting things out as you wake from a deep sleep only it’s in the middle of your day.
     It is a good thing I didn’t take Ahmed because I would not have been able to get there and back in time. Fred won’t be any fun easier if I am in this state. Hope I improve. On days like this I drive like an old man, nice and slow, but I seldom drive significantly slower than the speed limit like some.
     I took my pill earlier this morning but sense that I better take my aspirin and tramadol for headache. Headaches are never a good way to start. My typing speed is still real slow, an indicator of brain function. I want to fill in the events at the apple butter festival but it will have to wait for a better time. And, so I don’t forget, I need to tell of Ahmed’s beliefs about 9/11.
     It is 12:25 now. Cherie just left for work. I was fixing grits, bacon, and fried eggs for brunch when Cherie got home at 12:00. With it I whipped up some of what my dad used to call dirty gravy or something like that. It is just a flour gravy using the bacon grease to make the rue with. Every time I make it I think of my dad. How he used to cook breakfast, the buttermilk biscuits, and this gravy. There are some good memories and many areas where dad had an influence and when I write about him I need to make sure I include the good. Otherwise it will be a pretty grim picture and I like to be as balanced and honest as I can in my writing. It would be nice if he would talk to me and help me know what happened when, give his contribution to that book.
     As always when I am with Cherie I have a good barometer of how I am doing. Pretty bad, about a 2 or 3. As I listened to my voice I remembered who I sound like. Tom Hanks in Forest Gump talked in a way that is reminiscent of me when I am slow. I was stuttering now and couldn’t communicate well with Cherie. When that happens I get frustrated and must withdraw from conversation because it turns into a progressive deterioration as my brain becomes overloaded and starts to freeze up.
     I got Fred to his destinations OK. The first stop was Office Depot where he wanted to buy a new shredder. He wanted one with an on off switch so he would not have to keep unplugging it to turn it off. He started looking at the high end where the shredders went for about three hundred bucks. I steered him to the cheap seats where I knew he wanted to be and began describing what he looked at. His constant question was “Does it have an on off switch?” which I answered by telling him they all had on off switches. “How much is this one? Does it have an on off switch?” Fred asked pointing to the machine I had just showed him and priced for him. He finally settled on that one so we headed to the register. I gave the clerk the slip that identified what Fred wished to purchase, allowing them to get one from storage. When it arrived Fred said “Open the box. I want to make sure it’s the right one.” The manager promptly opened it up and I\ explained to Fred, who couldn’t see what he looked at, that it was the correct one. “Does it have an on off switch?” Fred asked the manager. I let him answer figuring a second opinion might stick better than just me telling him.
     From there Fred wanted to find a Dollar General to buy Sweetest Day cards. I did not know if there was one nearby so after taking Fred through a few strip malls I suggested we drive up to Maumee where we knew a Dollar General was. “Fred gas costs too much to just drive around hoping to find one.”  
     When we got there the card rack was nearly cleaned out. It was evident that the vender who stocked it had not been there in a while. Fred asked a clerk if they had Sweetest Day cards and upon hearing a confirmation of what I told him said lets go. The next stop was at Deals where the same song was playing, No Sweetest Day cards so we headed to the Dollar Tree. They also did not have any but the lady working there told Fred that Big Lots had some.
     Big Lots is only three or four stores down Dollar Tree but Fred wasn’t up to walking that far so I drove him to park closer. Inside we found Sweetest Day cards though the selection wasn’t great. I know that Fred buys these cards for all the women he has in his life, none of them in a romantic way, so I looked for the general ones for him. I would pick one out and read every word loud enough for him to hear. As I tried to keep with the style of card I knew he wanted he kept pulling out cards who’s covers caught his eye. “Fred, that one says “to my husband” so you don’t want that” I would tell him and get out an appropriate card to read before he grabbed something else. Eventually I read enough cards for him to pick out four. I’m sure some of the patrons in the store wondered as they saw a middle aged guy reading Sweetest Day poems to an old man. Of course I was reading loud enough for half the store to hear because Fred doesn’t hear well.
     Fred said I better get a card for Cherie and I thanked him cause I don’t often think of that kind of thing on top of not knowing Sweetest Day was coming. We checked out and I helped Fred go through his dismay at how much cards cost. He bitched about it all the way home.
     I am tired and had to keep from nodding off as I slowly worked on writing this. It is 1:18 now so you can see how much I wrote in an hour because I marked the time seven paragraphs earlier at 12:25. Still slow but hope I speed up by the time I take Barb to the doctor at 4:30. I think I will take my afternoon nap because it usually helps.
     Wayne just called to make sure I was still going to take him to the Zeph Center cause they had just called him. It is smart for him to call because you never know when I will forget or fail to write it in the calendar. After I clean forgot about taking him to the Pilgrim Church on some recent Friday he is starting to help me out. My joke is that me helping Wayne out was like the blind leading the blind but working together we can get more done. Now I will try again to lay down. Even walking is slower as I have to be more deliberate, taking care my right leg goes where it’s supposed to.
     I’m waking up again. But before I can gather what I was doing the phone rings. It is Allen and he wants me to look up knife fish and then gets into all these details describing variations between sub species until I cut him off. I said he would have to be here with me because there was no way I would be able to navigate the web. It turned into an argument right away. I now remember that Allen had called earlier and we talked of his problem and stuff. That one went well but not this time. Allen argued with me and that seems to be my weakness for it is then I get angriest the quickest. I hung up on him.
     Fred just called and I have to get Barb now. Got Barb and am sitting in the parking lot writing this. I got the jazz station in and have the windows down on this cool drizzling day. I am not as slow as before but still not speedy. Barb just came out so I will take Barb home where I will pick up Dawn for the grocery store.
     I told Barb that she needs to get Dawn into the car as quick as she can because “My wife gets home at 5:00 and I want to be there so lets get going.” She went to  Dawn’s door and I could see her explaining to Dawn. They promptly got in the car and we were off. “Are you getting a lot of stuff at the Pharm?” I asked Dawn cause I knew she was filling her card there. “No, just a few things.” She replied so I dropped them off  at the store.
      I’m going to get something to drink I told them and took off. I found a Burger King and went up to the drive through window. “I’ll have a medium strawberry shake” I said to the box. It told me how much to pay so I reached for my wallet as I drove toward the pay window. It was stark naked inside, not a dollar. I spent it all at the Apple Butter fest and of course forgot I did so. Seeing that I pulled out of the line and going past the window I waved at the guy trying to be as polite as I could. Then I was out of there and headed back to the Pharm where I pulled up front in the fire lane and waited for them to come out.  
     They had promised to be quick and I was confident they would. Sure enough I can see them coming through the check out. But wait! What’s the hold up. First I see Barb going to the customer service desk and then after a while I see Dawn heading that direction also. I was just beginning to think about going in when I saw Barb heading out with Dawn close behind. Come to find out there was a long line at the machine used to fill up your food stamp card. I pull up to their apartments and let them unload. As soon as they were clear I put it in gear and was gone.
     I got home and greeted my lovely wife with a kiss and a hug. We are like some Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver couple from Leave It To Beaver and just love some theatrics when we come together. She fixed the “Old Settlers Beans” dish that I love so well. Then she told me this incredibly easy recipe for apple crisp which I just finished baking. Cherie just came in and as I looked up at her, startled as always with how beautiful she is, she said “Do you mind if I go out?”. I told here of course not and asked where she was going. She is going to Jo Ann Fabrics and then to Michaels, which is a craft supply store. This means she is continuing to get back to the sewing and creating she loves so much. I encourage this as much as I can but should listen to myself. I haven’t picked up my wood carving tools since the Cedar Creek rejection that spun me into a depression.

10905 Sunday

10/9/05 Sunday
     It is a beautiful day. One of those days when the weather was as if you had ordered it. The sky is a pale blue with clouds so far off they look like a distant mountain range. It is 45 degrees out and the high is expected to be only 57. The temperature is one that is perfect for our different body abnormalities. I have an altered body temperature control mechanism from the brain damage. Where I used to thrive in the heat it now beats me down. Now I am comfortable in just shirt sleeves while others wear coats.
     Cherie has her own problems with the heat. Her hot flashes from the change of life are intense and leave her weak. At work it kills her when she is testing bottles and can’t leave her post, other wise she can go to the 40 degree room which helps tremendously.
     It will be crowded but I think I can handle it. I took some of the herbal stuff that helps me stay clear.
     We are back from the Apple Butter Festival. It was a hoot but wore us out. After paying $6.00 to park in somebody’s back yard we headed back too the Maumee River. To get to the bridge we have to cross U.S. 24. Here is the first hoot. For those who are not familiar with it U.S. 24 is a high traffic highway with only one lane in each direction. There are police cruisers with lights on in the middle of the road and there are five and sometimes six officers out on the highway directing traffic.
     It was a strained kind of coordination as they all tried to stop or direct traffic in a way that would not send cars careening into each other. “Hey Rodger! Go ahead and send them through.” “No Wait!” said the woman who would eventually take charge and direct everyone. As I watched I thought of the cops directing traffic I had seen in Chicago. There you had one man handling massive numbers of cars coming from all directions. Here is a commentary on the human factor. One man can do more than five who despite them all sharing the same goals can’t truly coordinate. We get across the highway and on the bridge. Now we can see across the river and there is already a crowd.      

---------------------------------------------------

Never finished writing about that. Slow and tired out. We went to look at sunset at the Masonic parking lot like we do. They had something going on so we weren’t comfortable because we knew we stood out and didn’t belong there. We went to the new video store that just opened but most of their stuff was DVD which we don’t have except in this laptop. I hurt from the festival. Can’t write good right now so quit. I tried to work on the website but couldn’t. Got confused easy, brain kinda froze up, real frustrated. Done. Good night.  

101105 Saturday

10/11/05 Saturday
     I had written much more yesterday but must of forgotten to save it cause it’s not here now. Yesterday ended rough. I had one of those headaches, where I have to turn off the lights and television, come in fast. I also have the return of an old problem where if I yawn real strong it affects some nerve some where and paralyzes my vocal cords and the right side of my neck. That hasn’t happened in months. I choked on a cracker and after getting that washed down a Tums that I took for the acid stomach. Both had not gone down the right path but lodged in the airway. I coughed and cleared my throat for quite a while.
     By nine I just curled up in bed and told Cherie I was done for the night. She continued going through clothes in the closet until she got the message I was done and needed no lights and quiet. “I’ll just go in the other room and be quiet” she said and I asked her for my good night kiss. That was the end cause I conked out right away and don’t even remember when she came to bed.
     We had gone to the Glendale Family Restaurant for dinner. We have learned to rush there immediately after Cherie gets off work to beat the crowd. Getting into the parking lot is like coming into pit row at a Nascar race as everyone else who comes for the fantastic food at unbelievable prices rushes in. We didn’t quite make it before the waiting list started but were only third or fourth on it. Seconds after we arrived the waiting room filled up. I was going to save some of the ribs I ordered and Cherie had planned to do the same with the chicken she ordered but it was so good we cleaned it up.
     Then we ordered desert and both got this turtle cheese cake. It was one of the best cheesecakes I have ever had and as Cherie and I discussed that fact I made a comment that cracked us both up. A dangerous thing to do with a mouthful of food. In trying to describe this dessert I told Cherie it was like a taste orgasm with every bite. I ate so much I had a hard time walking and started having the powerful hiccups I call stomach lurches. These can be so strong they hurt and almost make me lose my food.
     I was up and down all night and woke up at 4:30 or so. Right now I am operating at about a 6. I have to take Barb to the dentist this morning so must get going. Cherie just fixed some scrambled eggs and got me a glass of orange juice. I am blessed to have her in my life.
     Oh yeah, while it is in my mind I need to write that I had Cherie call Sharon to see how she is doing. Sharon’s son Gary answered the phone and after carefully inquiring who it was gave it to his mom. Sharon was rather abrupt and the conversation did not last long. I feel bad for losing it with her and will write her a letter as I don’t trust myself not to get mad again if we talked.
     Gotta get showered and out of here. I called Barb to make sure she was up. Basil answered and when I told him she was to go to the dentist he woke her up. Then I called Fred to let him know Barb was up so he wouldn’t call her and so I could get the package he had for her. When I knocked on the door and Fred answered he showed me a cardboard box with the top leaves taped up to increase the volume of the box. It was packed full to the top so I picked it up and headed out. “I’ll open the door for you” Fred said as I tried to get a hand free without dropping everything.
     At Barb’s now and carried the box up to the door. She fought the cats to put the food in her fridge. I think she is up to six or seven now and one of them is again pregnant. I let Barb know that it was 49 degrees out so she needed a sweater or something warm and got her out to the car.
     She kind of rambled a bit, telling me about one thing and then switching to another subject. I would make a comment on occasion but didn’t have much to say. As I listened I began to think about Barb, her life, her humanity. Her cats are the place she can love and feel, where she is safe and can have the emotions that were robbed when she lost her children. Like all of us she wants to belong and fit in, to have friends. She is locked into a place where fitting in can be dangerous.
     I feel for her as I write this. I am in the parking lot of the dentist sitting in the Lincoln listening to jazz. The last time I was here it took Barb an hour and a half to get done. Typical Medicaid doctor in that she packs them in and runs as many through the mill as possible. I’m not real speedy but I can do stuff for the website without having to understand the software of the MS Office publishing program.
     Just got started on that when Barb finally came out. We headed back to her place and as we passed a rummage sale she pointed it out to me. Then we passed another one and she was happy to see it. “Look Bob it’s a rummage sale” she said with the enthusiasm of a child who just saw something wonderous go by. “Do you have any money?” I asked her and when she said no I told her there was no sense in going then. That didn’t matter because now she was telling me what she could do with one of the pieces of furniture that was out on the lawn of the first sale. Describing in detail how she would put curtains on the front of this cabinet, dreaming of a life that could have been. She was talking to the window as we drove on, just speaking out loud as her eyes looked fixatedly at the vision in her mind.
     I was sad as I watched her and now as I write of this. It renews my desire to make a difference in my world.
     Cherie went to so some shopping so I have the house to myself and am hoping to get stuff done. I am still slow, maybe up to a seven but it is hard to tell. It is when I am around Cherie or some one else and have to interact I can get a clearer idea of how fast the brain is working. Typing helps me gauge this as my speed and accuracy vary widely depending of how efficiently this brain is working.
     I was tired when I got back and the headache was coming so Cherie got me some aspirin and I took them with a Tramadol. Now the headache is here but I am not letting it win. I had to eat another Tums when I got here so the heartburn thing is back with a vengeance. Cherie will pick up some Pepsid at Sam’s Club because that seems to work well. I am going to take another Tums now with the hope it will help me concentrate on the work I must do to create the website.
     Never got to work on the website, in fact that was pretty much the end of the day for me.

10705 Friday

10/7/05 Friday
     I went to bed at 10:00 or so last night. Right now the only thing I remember after the last entry is the phone call with Sharon. Cherie had talked to her yesterday but didn’t tell what they talked about till after dinner. Sharon told her that the girl underneath her came to her door upset. The girl told Sharon that someone had called NPI and told them about the guy who had moved in with her and that she once had 12 people in an hour coming to her door. This comes at a bad time as Sharon is still going through withdrawals from Paxil, which was given to her to calm her nerves and help her not fixate on things.
     She had worked herself up and after telling Cherie she was afraid for her life she said it was Wayne’s fault. “There’s no way Wayne would have known these things unless Bob had told him” she said. “Tell Bob that he is to no longer tell Wayne the things I tell you in private”. That was fine so far, I could deal with it but her next statement set me off. Cherie told me that Sharon was going to tell the girl it was Wayne who had reported her and give her his phone number.
     Hearing this I instantly got up and headed for the phone. “She can’t do that. That’s not right. I have to call her now” I told Cherie as I dialed Sharon’s number. When Sharon came on I asked her “What’s going on Sharon”. She ran through the same things Cherie had told me so I told Sharon she was wrong to put this on Wayne. She told me all the reasons she was right as she argued with me. “Sharon you can’t endanger Wayne like that. Even if he did report it, your wrong to do this” She tells me that Wayne put her life in danger “Why should I be in danger because of him. He talks about you also. He says all kinds of things about you”.
     She won’t listen to anything I say and I get irritated and then mad. I had already told her that the only thing I had told Wayne was the guy parked his Cadillac out front. I’d also explained that Wayne lived right next door to the girl and pretty much knew all this stuff. I think Wayne did tell Gary about it and wonder if Gary had gone to her directly instead of going through NPI management. If that were so it raises the possibility of Gary being in collusion with her and others. That is not unusual in an atmosphere of drugs, prostitution, and the money that goes with it.
     I finally had enough when she went back to me telling Wayne every detail of her life. I told her she needs to get a grip and settle down and then just hung up. By now my voice had raised quite a bit and stayed angry after hanging up. “I’m tired of helping people” I told Cherie and then said I wouldn’t do anything for her anymore.
     It took me a while to calm down and I understood she has a medication problem on top of her brain damage. I should have told her to take another Xanex and kept calm, that is hard with the emotional control issues I have from my TBI. Hell I started crying at an issue of gunsmoke I watched yesterday or some time near, I don’t know. This is always something that is hard for me to keep a handle on, you know the emotions.
     So this and cooking a dinner that was real good is all I can recall of yesterday after the last entry. Now I can go back and read the journal and it will open the door for lots of yesterdays memories. Kinda like a key I can use to unlock things inaccessible otherwise. Now for today.
     I woke up slowly, kinda tired but got going pretty fast. I asked Cherie if I had anything scheduled today. She said no so I relaxed a bit. I remembered I was to see Jeff for our weekly breakfast meeting because it has become a routine providing the repetition required for me to recall.
     I pulled up to the Waffle house and could see Jeff already seated through the window. His first question after I had sat down was “Is this a good day today?”. That tells me he is reading the blog and it helps him understand what it’s like for me. “I’m doing good now, in fact real good. I don’t know how long it will last but this is what I call prime time” I replied and we were off.
     I’m not sure that Jeff got to say much because I was mentally alive and loving it. We talked about the Bible study a little. He had it with him but I’m not sure he read it. When I told him that what I got from the parable was a lot different from the book they were studying he asks “How so” with a puzzled look on his face. I expounded of my take of this saying it was directed at the Pharisees so I think it refers to all religious leadership.
     From that we moved to how Jeff was and we talked about marketing and sales and what he could do that was different. It was a great time of lucidity and I realized how much interaction with someone else stimulates my brain, wakes up that lazy bastard. I don’t get out much and visit and the small circle I do see regularly are often unstimulating regarding conversation. The short time with Jeff helps wake up a brain that grow fat and sluggish from not being used.
     I asked Jeff if anyone from the home group said anything about me because I had sent notices out to lots of folks about the blog. I kind of hoped some of them would have cared enough to inquire and that they would show some of the compassion they talk about. I never wanted any thing other than a how are you doing on occasion. Makes me wonder if I am really that bad that they distance themselves so quick.
     After that we went to leave and I noticed a Fed Ex semi with double trailers pulling up to the light. The back door of the front trailer was all the way open and it was packed to the roof with boxes. Another Fed Ex truck had pulled up behind him so I ran toward him yelling and waving my arms because he was closer. He had his windows up and didn’t see me till the light changed.
     As they both started forward what I feared happened. A bunch of boxes tumbled out of the trailer and were consequently run over. The trucker behind him looked at me with that “what the hells wrong with him” look until I pointed to the run over boxes that were just appearing from the truck in front of him. I watched the look on his face as he struggled to identify and comprehend what he was about to run over. It dawned on him so he hit the brakes, almost causing the guy behind him to rear end him. He got on his radio and flagged down his compatriot whom I saw pulling over.
     Then I went to pick up Cherie’s check and came home knowing I was going to get lots done because I was sharp. Fred called. “Are you ready?’ he asked. I hadn’t checked the calendar because Cherie said I didn’t have anything planned but come to find out I was to take Fred to get a haircut. He had forgot also so we got there late and had to reschedule. I took Fred to Radio shack, the Dollar Tree, and Deals till it was time for his haircut. After his haircut I drove him to see Helen where they exchange bags. She had made a big batch of chili for him and I don’t know what else, probably some more of what she cans. They talked for a while and then I took Fred to the Pharm where I acted as Fred’s eyes as I always do. He was more confused today than usual. He would pick up a can and I would tell him “That’s beefaroni” then he would get a can from the next basketful and I would say “That’s spaghetti o’s”. After that he went right back to the first basket and pick up the same can asking “What is this?”. It ran at about that level all through the store and we got in the check out line at last.
     I was glad to get back home and now I am getting tired. It is 3:00 now and I ate a smoked sausage sandwich before I got to work on this journal. The back is in pain again as it always does when I sit at this laptop. I probably should take a nap.  

The rest of Thursday

Sharon asked me to dig up info on lawyers who are suing Glaxosmithkline aver Paxil. I got almost a book of stuff I printed up for her. Lots of bad stuff about it. She will have to call the numbers herself as I can’t apply for her. Local lawyers seem to be as clueless as all the doctors she has talked to. Glaxo is still doing a good job of covering this up despite several lawsuits being settled. They are the number two in the nation regarding the sales of antidepressants at a billion or more a year. I think that if I take this pack of info to the lawyers we will fine one to take the case.
     I got Barb to LMHA and she was done quickly. I called Fred because he had told her he wanted to take her to Crissey Rd thrift shop for the free old bread. I know that they don’t get the bread in till 12:00 or so if it comes in at all and I didn’t want to take Barb home and pick her up again. Fred seemed to have forgotten that and Barb didn’t want to go sit at Fred’s for three hours so I gave the phone to her so she could tell him. I then took her home and came home myself. Fred never called for me to take him and I didn’t call him either cause I feel it a long way to go for stale bread.
     I ate lunch. Had the last enchilada that Cherie had made a couple of days ago. It was damn good. (pardon the French) A nice thing about short term memory loss is I didn’t remember what it tasted like so got to enjoy it for the first time again. I am tired which is to be expected when you get up at two in the morning. The brain has been in good shape all day. I think it is time for a nap but first I want to call Jim Davidson at probation to see if I can hurry this getting off probation thing. Tried earlier but it was busy.
     Alright, that puts some bounce back into my step. Just talked to Jim and he told me the completion papers are done and he just put them on Julie’s desk. He said something about the judge already seeing them. I’m not sure what that means but it is good. Maybe I will be a free man soon. I am still tired but may work on the website because the brain is not bad. Got to use it while it is there. Either that or the Bible study.
     Tried the website but it is confusing at the moment. Probably should take that nap.
     I laid down but I couldn’t go to sleep so I turned on the TV and on PBS there was a history program that was covering the war of 1812. This returned many fond memories of the historical 1812 reenacting I did at Fort Miegs. I really miss it but couldn’t do it anymore.
     Then I began to think of this getting off probation thing and wonder. Do I dare get my hopes up? I am kind of afraid the hammer will fall, like it did so many times before. Can’t let my guard down.
     I finally got up and decided to take the garbage out. Actually I was walking to the kitchen and saw it where I had put it this morning and had forgotten about it so off I go. My legs seem strangely weak, probably because I was laying down. I’m still not up to speed but not to bad. I would say about a five or six. I took my second pill, one of the 100 ml. ones, at 1:50.

10605 Thursday early

10/6/05 Thursday, early morning post
     It is 1:52 in the morning. I just snapped awake with the fact I wasn’t able to publish the last entry to the blog on my mind. I was thinking it could be because I had run the virus scan and deleted cookies but as I waited for this laptop to power up realized I didn’t run that till after the problem. Don’t know what happened just that it said “error 5” every time I tried. It seemed to work fine this time so who knows. I was getting slow fast as this happened and get lost pretty easily at these times.
     Still have the headache and back  pain. Sitting at attention in front of this thing. I am sure it would make an interesting picture with me sitting down like a Westpoint cadet at this desk. Of course my lack of clothing would eliminate the word interesting but, hey it’s 2:00 in the morning so who cares.
     Cherie just woke up and headed into the bathroom. This two in the morning thing probably doesn’t help her but when I asked if I woke her up she said “Honey I’m up and down all night”. This change of life she is going through is an incredible ordeal and she is toughing it out the hard way not taking the hormone pills so her body adjusts quicker.
     I probably should try to go back to bed just to keep my clock right. The ears still ring but that comes and goes. I am not real speedy but much than last night. I crawled into bed at nine and just curled up refusing the urge to turn on the TV. I do remember Cherie waking me up for her goodnight kiss. I am blessed to have a woman so patient and understanding cause this instability makes me a sometimes difficult person to be around. I got a little snappy last night as I endured the sudden slow down.
      I’ve been up an hour now. Still debating going back to bed but like to take advantage of when the brain works. I’m only operating at a 7 but after having the increased number of slow downs this is good. I have been able to do some basic stuff like asking to be listed by Toledo bloggers.  
     After much internal debate I decided to stay up and just put on a pot of Bob coffee. I also went to get my seizure pill and see I did not take my second one yesterday. This may or may not account for the slow down. I can’t remember for sure but I think I had decided to take the 150 ml pill instead of the 100. I had loaded the pill minder with one 150 and one 100 for each day and never switched it over. Got to keep up with this stuff. The pill minder is the only way I know if I took my medicine because I can’t remember these small events like taking a pill.
     One of the reasons I stayed up is I remembered that I needed to finish writing about Ahmed. While it was uncomfortable enough for him to ask advise on how to ask American girls out and to question me about the girl downstairs that was not what really disturbed me. When he started talking about his religion and Iraq he became animated and his eyes really changed. I have seen this look before in the eyes of those who are fanatic about their subject whatever it may be.
     We got on the subject as he expressed his feelings toward Mia, how he wanted a relationship. He quickly made the point he did not want sex because that is “illegal” in his religion. I said that my beliefs are similar about just going out and having sex with whomever. I asked what kind of a Moslem he is and that started him up. He said there is only one Moslem and that Americans don’t know anything about his religion. He went into detail saying there is only one God, one book the Koran, and one profit Mohammed. He went into details telling me that by the age of eleven children memorize 650,000 verses from the Koran. I doubled checked on that thinking his lack of mastery of the English language caused an error in that statement. Having seen a Koran I doubted the book could contain that many verses. He confirmed that was what he meant.
     Then he explained why there were different sects such as Sunni and Shiite. He said they were all one but that there were five individuals who each were shown different things out of the same book, the Koran, and they had recorded what Allah had revealed to them. He didn’t use the word prophet for these five guys which I found interesting. Ahmed just said that there were different followers of each teacher. It is his opinion that the Koran is the most incredibly complex book that Allah can give hundreds of thousands of principals for all. Non Moslems can only have a shallow surface knowledge of this book because they couldn’t penetrate it’s true meanings. “I am Sunni” he said, finally answering my question.
     I asked him why Moslems kill Moslems and that really got him going. He now began to show me a mindset that is scary because I realize that what he was now saying was sincerely believed by a large population of Moslems. He said Moslems do not kill Moslems, it was the CIA and United States that was doing the killing in order to cause a civil war in Iraq because we lost the war. He espoused that he absolutely knew this was true and had proof. Claiming that Americans were fed false information and that nothing on the news is true he asked “Did you know that just a few weeks ago American soldiers were caught with a car bomb? You didn’t hear that did you?” This “fact” was his proof we are all being fooled and manipulated by our government.
     I looked at Ahmed and said that in every war governments would spread stories that were designed to inflame the people, thus creating fear and anger at how they were wronged by the enemy. “Do you think you can believe a lie?” I asked. This set him back for about two seconds and recovering he returned to his tirade. Now he told me that Zarcowi (however you spell his name) did not exist at all. He was created by the CIA. The real Zarcowi had been jailed many years ago in Palestine for some minor criminal offence and then taken out by British soldiers and shot.
     Bin Laden was just a man who collected money for the CIA. That is all he ever was but he was betrayed by them and is now used as propaganda to further the goals of the U.S.. Then Ahmed got onto Saddam Hussein. “Where do you think he got the poison gas he used?”. He worked for the CIA also. The US put him into power.
     I understand now why things are so hard for us in Iraq. These stories are in wide circulation among the Sunni Moslems and probably among the other sects of Mohammed also, though I suspect not to the same degree. We are the great Satan to this part of the world which is in the grip of this false image. I expect to hear more when Ahmed returns from driving his truck as he does every weekend. He had checked himself several times as we talked, starting to say something and then stopping as he carefully watched my face. I will encourage him to speak more of these things as I want to get a better picture of this mindset. I will resist asking him why he came here from Lebanon if he thinks so little of this country. It may be wise to keep on good terms with him. He is a nice guy but the potential for trouble is high. Rushing to judgment is wrong and would only confirm his opinion of this country. The more I know the better I am able to assess a situation.
     I think I will look on the net for information. I have seen on the Christian station former Moslems who have converted to Christianity and had much insight on this religion. Personally I think that religion has been used as an excuse to steal, kill, and destroy for the entire history of man. Nah, I don’t think that I know it, and Christianity is high on that list. That is why I don’t believe in “religion” per se. I am spiritual and think there is a God, at least I hope there is, and that all life is connected and has God as it’s source. For more on this you will have to visit the other blog I will be creating, maybe today if I can.    

10505 Wednesday

10/5/05 Wednesday
     Feeling like I went through a wringer. Still slow but not as bad as yesterday. Maybe a five. Maybe worse. Still waking up and the headache is making sure I don’t forget it is there. Cherie was on her last minute rush again and was trying to take care of the bills that she should have done this weekend. I said something about how she should have worked on them before she spent hours surfing the net but that upset her and she said her brain worked better in the morning. It might work better but it still works at night. How can I get through to her to not wait till the last minute, to schedule or at least prioritize needed things. Don’t know. I guess I am at a 4 because typing is hard. I keep pushing the wrong buttons and am in slow motion.
     Today I take Sharon to LMHA for her yearly evaluation. I don’t know if I will take this laptop to work on the website cause unless I sharpen up I doubt I will be able to do much. I will check E mail now.
     Jeanie sent a message. It is the small things like a how ya doing that help so much. Helps fight the loneliness and depression. She liked the picture of the woodcarving I finally figured out how to post. It is just a regular post so will go down the line each day till it no longer shows up except in the archives. Now I need to figure how to make it a part of the profile thing so it has a permanent place up front. My head is thick. Wish it would clear up. I fixed an omelet and took my pills. I think I will grab some aspirin and a tramadol for the headache. I am glad for spell check cause I keep misspelling simple words.
     Don’t even want to hear the easy listening music that is usually soothing, just as much quiet as I can get. Every noise is there even the hum of the computer and the traffic on the turnpike plus cars outside. The school bus sounded like a freight train. Great, I have all the symptoms of a hangover and I don’t drink except a glass of wine with dinner. Just so you know that was Saturday. Or maybe Thursday or Friday. I would have to look in the journal to see. I remember grilling the New York Strip steak but this brain can’t seem to put a time tag on these memories. It is one of the anomalies of my brain injury. One of the reasons I do the blog is to help others understand the confusing things of traumatic brain injury (TBI) so they can better accept those who have it, not reject them as so many have me. Of course when it is those who claim the title of Christian it hurts worse. When one of their core tenants is love, that is defined in first Corinthians 13 as long suffering, kind, not envious, not puffed up, not rude, doesn’t seek it’s own, not provoked, thinks no evil, loves the truth, bears all things, believes all things, endures all things, and they tell you not to come by when you ask for help and emotional support it seems like a definition of hypocrisy. They love when it is convenient but not when it is uncomfortable. I am sure they will be offended if they read this which in and of itself violates this tenant.
     Enough of that. Sharon called and she is at the Zeph center because of the problems Paxil is causing and I need to get her early so I can get her new prescription.      Now I am at LMHA with Sharon. I have improved dramatically since this morning. Poor Sharon is a mess from this Paxil withdrawal. She had to call an ambulance and go to the emergency ward because she was falling apart, thinking homicidal thoughts, and just generally getting confused, unable to even prepare meals.
     I took her to James pharmacy to get the prescription they gave her to help settle her down. I talked to her and could see how bad she was. She worried about everything and id just stressed to the max. She took all the information I had downloaded for her on Paxil and showed it to her doctor at the Zeph Center. This doctor was amazed that none of the drug company sales reps had said anything about this issue despite the fact that Smith Beecham Kline stopped making the drug and everyone who can’t get it will suffer withdrawals that can be so bad they lead to suicide. This is the cleverness of billion dollar corporations for they know that the pharmacists will just fill the prescriptions with the generics. Doctors will still prescribe Paxil because they don’t have a clue despite S.B.K. knowing since 1993 that the drug had some serious problems. This way they shunt the problem to the manufacturers who make the generic version of the same drug.
     It is 3:00. I have been on the move for some time now and am beginning to tire. I took Fred shopping after I took Sharon to LMHA for her yearly evaluation. She forgot the packet of paperwork and proof of income she had filled out for this. She asked me to go in with her because of the mental instability she is suffering from. The case worker gave her a new packet to fill out and I had to help her because she had difficulties understanding basic questions. We got it all done and I talked to the case worker about the drugs and prostitution at NPI properties. She said there was nothing she could do and told us the hoops anyone has to jump through to move.
     I am going to have to take something for the headache and eat something. Probably should take my second seizure pill. Yawning like crazy and I think I will take a short nap. I am to cook dinner tonight so will have to make sure I get up in time. The cat is incessantly demanding attention.
     I cooked dinner and it was not real good. Matter of fact it was nasty. As much as I hate to waste this ended up in the trash. At least the flan I cooked yesterday was terrific. Hey you win some and you throw the rest away. I always have room for improvement but all things considered I think I am a good house husband.
     Today my back pain is worse than usual. I suppose I am doing good for having broken the back once and my neck three different times. It would help if I exercised and lost some weight. There was something I was going to write about when I sat down but it is gone now. I am getting that dizzy feeling and slowing down a bit. I laid down because of the pain. May be done for the night.
     Never did figure out how to get this Outlook program to work. Still haven’t even figured out how to sign up for Hotmail. I never heard from my sons. That hurts. I don’t know what or why when it comes to them and don’t want to push. If they don’t want to have anything to do with me it is their decision. I won’t try to force myself on them. It would be nice to know one way or the other. They may just be busy. I know Bruce was going to take some urban warfare training in preparation for his return to Iraq. I would like to see him before he goes.
     My ears are ringing now. A precursor to the slow down along with equilibrium. Really slowing down. Typing in slow motion and have to look at the keys. I quit.

Second part of Tuesday

Cherie came home and I had her read this journal to explain what had happened. It is often clearer and easier to have her read instead of trying to verbalize things. We went to the bank to have the photo ticket notarized so it can be sent in and it will be in my name. The banker recognized us but of course I didn’t recognize her. She is one of those who I told our story to and remembered it well. I told her about the blog and wrote down the address.
     I am slowing down now. Cherie says that often happens when I get angry. Barb is supposed to call me when her check comes in so I can take her to the grocery store. I won’t answer the phone because I really don’t think I need to be out there and don’t want to explain why. She will call Fred then who will call me. He had wanted to get a haircut today but I told him no because I already had Wayne scheduled. I am sure he sees that his car has not moved today so may be upset I didn’t take him for a hair cut. I really don’t want to deal with all that so will hide here in the apartment.
     As much as I hate to take pills I think I will have to take a pain pill cause the back is getting pretty bad. Of course they are non narcotic pills and is really just a prescription Alieve so don’t do much. The headache is coming with a vengeance also of course. This is beginning to look like a pretty rough afternoon. Chest kinda hurts so will take an aspirin also.
     I am real slow now. I took my second seizure pill and am trying the 150 milligram ones. I have to wonder if that is causing me to feel doped up. Wish I could remember good enough to track this. I know I record my slow downs as much as possible so should check to see if they happen at the same times. If they are it may indicate a problem. Problem is I can’t remember good enough to tell doctors. Ears are ringing. This sucks. Oh yeah should put down the time. It is 3:43 now and I think I took the pill at 2:00 or so. Hate pills especially if dependant on them. The right leg is especially numb and I am having a hard time walking.
     It is hard to help others like Wayne because of this. Keep getting lost and forgetting what I am doing.
     I was trying to figure out how to use the MS Outlook program. Many of the E mail response things on websites and now blogs require this. They automatically bring this up when you push their send E mail button. I keep filling it out but can never get it to send. There was no send button. When I pulled up the Outlook program I have, that came with the MS Office I paid bucks for, I saw a list of the mails I have tried to send over a long period of time. It took me a long time to get to the place in help that told me I need to register a server. It talked about POP 3 and other stuff I am clueless about. I did find where it said I can’t use the free Yahoo only the one you have to pay for. There was a whole list of servers that work but the only one I remember was MSN so I will go look at that now.
     It is real frustrating when I can’t even do something as simple as signing up for a free hotmail account. Tried several times but couldn’t understand the mistake messages. I think I will quit now. Maybe Cherie can help when she gets home. At times like this I just want to go hide in my bed and hope it gets better but I won’t. I think I will look up the recipe on flan and try to cook. Focusing on that may help. The headache never went away and has grown to the point it is in the way. I usually am good at ignoring it. Will put on some gentle music.
     This has been one of the roughest days I have had in a while. I was at stuttering level about a 2. I’m a little better but not much, maybe at a four. I did manage to make the flan and it is the oven now. It was hard to do and I had to ask Cherie for help a few times. I can’t figure out what to write so will check E mail. Just staring at the screen.

My philosophy

I carved this while recovering in St Louis from the accident. It sums up how I now view life.

10405 Tuesday

10/4/05 Tuesday
     It is 4:10 in the morning now. I woke up at 2:00 and now at 4:00. I had one of those vivid complex dreams that seem like an entire movie in length. I also have that rare sensation of hunger. What that says about what this brain is up to I haven’t a clue. It’s just another area that works when it wants to.
     Back to the dream. This one seemed to supply a complete background history with it. All the memories were available for it. I was at a medical university hospital being trained. I had a good relationship with everyone. I had left to chase a dream or other opportunity. There had been an offer to go to a nationally televised comedy show where I was to be the butt of the jokes. That wasn’t bad as it paid well and got me into the industry. I ended up going to another medical facility to do the same kind of work I had done at the first.
     There was a strange interlude that did not fit the rest of the dream. I was slogging down a shallow river trying to get to a building in a town that looked like it came out of the set of a wild west movie. Then the water went away and I was walking on the muddy river bed which was also the main street. I had the impression that this river was dammed up every day to clean the street. I didn’t get to my destination before the dam was released so was still walking down the street when the water came rushing back. Now I struggled through the rushing water to get to the boardwalk.
     The next thing I know I am walking into the intake area of the first hospital I had worked at. It is like a big garage bay and was being cleaned up. There were not many people there but the ones who were there were in their lab coats and busily cleaning and organizing the place. As I walked in it was like I had been gone for a year or two. I looked for familiar faces and someone I was walking by looked at me and slowly recognized me. Then it got out that I was back and others I had been friends with began to come in to welcome me. One brought a sword I had made for him to show me he had been taking care of it and was both proud and happy I had given it to him. Others followed suit so I was feeling like I was coming home and these were friends I missed.
     Then the head doctor who had been running the training part of this facility came in. He too was happy to see me and shook my hand with a welcoming smile on his face. We talked and he looked closely at my face and I saw his expression as he realized I might have come by for more than just a visit. He gently broached the possibility that I might wish to return to my former position. I had been unsure I would be accepted but was happy when he confirmed my hope he would allow me back into the program. He did have one condition, that I not bring the big box of tools that I had apparently kept there before. This was fine so we talked of the TV opportunity and he laughed when I told him I was going to make $80,000 a year. “Their were going to rob you at that price” he said and I realized he was right. Then I woke up.
     It is unusual to remember this much of a dream. The last time I got up this early I was back in bed by 8:00 AM and tired much of the day after that. I think I will fix a bowl of cereal and take my pill then return to bed and wait till Cherie gets up for work so I can watch the news. I am scheduled to take Wayne to the veteran’s service commission for a food voucher this morning. I keep trying to keep my back straight as I type so the pain does not increase to the point it interferes with this activity but I keep drifting into the slouch.
     It is 8:00 now and Cherie just left for work running late as she often does. I seem to be doing very well and hope it stays that way. I need to gas up Fred’s car today so will get on the net to look up the lowest prices. As usual I let the gas go lower in the tank when it is my turn to fill it. Fred wanted me to fill at ¾ of a tank but I still want to bear the brunt of the gas so will only do that when it is his turn.
     Jan sent me an E mail yesterday that had some news which was kind of sad and a vindication at the same time. The prison ministry at Cedar Creek has evidently foundered and may no longer exist. She didn’t give details just a short note. This ministry was for me the start of a series of events that had hurt Cherie and I so much. I had been asked and actually voted in to lead the outreach to those in prison. Then someone in leadership at the church felt that her toes were stepped on because I did not go through proper procedures to take that position. I got upset about this and that is a no no in Cedar Creek. They rushed to put someone in that position who evidently was part of the inside group. I really don’t know. Kelly, the person they rushed in, is a sweetheart and we met with her and her husband. While she was impressive as an administrator she wasn’t a leader who could inspire and motivate and is more geared to social work, not ministry of this sort. I hope she isn’t offended by this and I stress it is only my personal opinion and have been wrong many times. As always I encourage any one to put their side in the comments area and if they wish I will publish it on the blog. Regardless the results speak for themselves.
     Enough of that. When the brain works I may write too much. I just called Wayne to check on taking him to the veterans commission for a food voucher. He is doing poorly this morning with increased pain and weakness. When I took him to Kroger’s yesterday he had a hard time and for the first time I remember had to sit down on his walker several times to rest. I hope the MS isn’t in aggravation mode where it increases the damage it causes. It is a shame Wayne can’t get the new medications for MS that help others so much but if your poor and on Medicaid you get only enough to keep you alive, especially in Ohio. I will take Wayne later today. He wanted to put it off till Thursday but that day is full on my calendar.
     I suppose I should fix breakfast and get moving so I can make use of this prime time while it is here. I turned off the TV. I was thinking the other day that I bitch about having to spend these times of high lucidity driving folks around but I spend some of that time in front of the Zombie vision. Need to make better use of my time and complain less. Time to get moving.
     Got all my get ready stuff done except getting dressed. It is getting warm and I just turned on the air. I sweat like crazy when it is warm and have since the injury. I figure it is something connected to the TBI cause Cherie tells me I always feel like I have a fever. I know that cold really doesn’t bother me but heat does. Of course the Bob coffee I am drinking contributes to the sweating.
     I just called my probation officer, Julie. I am just a little upset. On August 22 I had gone in for my monthly visit and we talked about my community service hours. I gave her copies of the documentation I turn in for those hours and explained that by next week I will have exceeded the court requirement. I explained to her that my grandmother was not going to live long and that I would like to get free from this probation as soon as possible so I could go to Texas to be with her. I even gave her a copy of the E mail Virginia sent telling of how Minnie Lee was going down hill and they did not know how long she would last. She promised to get the hours submitted right away so it can go through the paperwork mill and get credited. When I saw her a month later she apologized for not starting any of this paperwork. I told her that I had exceeded the requirements by far and she assured me she would get on it.
     Now she tells me that she still has not started any of the paperwork because she was sick for two days with a bladder infection and had just got back to work today. Then she promises again to get on it because she is leaving on vacation on the seventh which is three days away. I again explained my need to get this done and practically begged her to do so. She says she will get an intern to help her do it today but then goes into the same spiel she went into the last time about how long it takes the court clerks to do their paperwork. Then she started telling me that I am not high on her priority list because she has more important things to do like reports to the court.
     What am I to do? If I make waves by calling her boss or writing the judge I fear retribution. This has happened before to me and after being put into jail for a month with no charges ever being filed I feel helpless. Anything I say will be treated with the disdain almost all in the justice system have for anyone convicted of a crime. It is like I have a gun to my head and don’t dare complain. I can’t afford a lawyer and if I could I would have been done with this long ago and perhaps could have appealed this conviction for a crime I never committed. It is time to get on building the website because it will expose much of this history.
     I just called Wayne and asked him about skipping taking him to the Veterans place. He said it was fine cause he didn’t feel to hot. I tried to explain this to him but he had a hard time following and seemed pretty confused thinking I was talking about my grandmother when I was explaining my probation officer had not started the paperwork. Getting upset I decided it best to end the call before this lack of emotional control that comes with my TBI kicked in. Actually it already is so I better stay inside and avoid contact with others because the fuse is real short. God help me.

10305 Monday

10/3/05 Monday
     I am tired this morning and the headache is not too bad. Poor Cherie had a rough morning as the hot flashes were particularly bad. I am sure that is a big factor in making her emotional. She was running late and didn’t want to go to work and was almost crying when I kissed her before she rushed out to work.
     I woke up thinking about the Bible study with a particular verse on my mind that fits in well. I am operating at about a 7 this morning and made some changes and additions to the study in a fairly rapid manner. Love it when the brain works. I called Jeff so I can return his book with the study. I doubt he will present it to the home group because it doesn’t fit in with their book and is not as gentle as they like. Rocking the boat is generally avoided there and some truth they may not want to hear. I don’t know and it is improper for me to judge them in this so I apologize in case any of them read this. Who am I to speak of these things. I am Balaam’s ass as found in Numbers 22.
     It’s 1:30 now. I am tired and slowing down. It has been a long day already and I wish I had the energy that I used to. Today started with me taking Ahmed to the 280 fuel stop where his truck is parked. When I went out to take Jeff’s book and the Bible study Ahmed was trying to charge up his car. We talked a little about the car and when he would need my jack to replace the starter. Then he asked me for the ride. I took him to the bank at first and then back to the apartment because he forgot something.
     As I waited out front Fred came out looking very confused at why I was there. I rolled down the window so he walked to the car. He asked why I was there, what was wrong, did I go to Wayne’s yet? I explained that I was going to take Ahmed to his truck. Fred is not real happy and bitched about the car idling and wasting gas. Then Ahmed came out so that pleasantly ended the conversation.
     I dropped the book off at Jeff’s work and then went to the storage unit to pay the rent. After that I hit the turnpike to get Ahmed to his truck. The conversation with him was uncomfortable and disturbing. He asked me about Mia, the girl who lives below us. He said he had seen her and thought she looked good. Then he asked me if he should go out with her. I just looked at him and said I don’t get involved in stuff like that. He brought the subject up again asking me how he could approach her and that he wanted a relationship with her.
     It was when we started talking about his Moslem religion it got strangest and scary. I will have to fill this in tomorrow. It is 10:30 and I am worn out. I slept for three hours this afternoon and never got my second wind. This will be the first night I didn’t publish this on the blog. Think I will retire now. Cherie and I are still so much in love after being together two years we still look at each other in wonder and get teary when we hug. All the love songs I used to think were sappy now move me. Good night.

10205 Sunday

10/2/05 Sunday
     I woke up early this morning, about 5:00. The headache is there and I am running at about a 7 on the Bob scale. Cherie is still asleep but I am sure she will wake up as she usually does when I am not beside her. Today she will be driving to Novi Michigan where she will attend a big sewing convention with all kinds of workshops and of course tons of booths where manufacturers will be hawking their products.
     She would have preferred to go yesterday but had to work so today is the last day it will be open. It bothered her to miss church and she was anxious for my approval asking for it so many times I got upset. I had told her yes and encouraged her to go several times but her mind kept laying guilt trips so she would ask “would you mind if…” Of course this is a constant battle as I work to help her overcome a lifetime of abuse that had destroyed her self esteem. She is slowly getting better and I complimented her yesterday when she said she was going to run down to a fabrics store to enter a drawing with out the “would it be ok if I…” prefix.
     I am not sure if I will go to church with Cherie up in the Detroit area. I will play that one by ear. I would have to borrow Fred’s car and try to do so as little as possible. I know I will worry about Cherie because I know that the Detroit area can be confusing. I would go with her mostly to drive but am sure that my presence would deduct from what she would get out of it. The fact that I am a typical guy and have little knowledge or interest in sewing is not the major factor in this. The real problem would come from the brain injury. For me strange places with lots of noise and a large amount of sensory information to process can be overwhelming and triggers the slow downs. There was a time I went with Cherie to a large shopping mall when it was packed with people and had to leave, almost running over people to escape the noise and confusion and reach the safety our quiet car. Add to that the fact that I would physically have a hard time keeping up after an hour or two. I love Cherie so much and have encouraged her to get back involved with the sewing she loves so much that the last thing I want to do is dampen that.
     Yesterday I looked at bottle my seizure pills come in and saw that I had not been taking them as prescribed. I was taking two 100 milligram pills a day and had not used the 150’s I had. Come to find out I was supposed to take to of the 150’s  and a 100 each day. I really don’t like taking lots of medication and had questioned if it was doing much good but after the partial seizure when I had forgotten to take it I understand it does help. Perhaps ramping up a little will help stabilize the slow downs. It would be nice if I could have more time with a brain that functions at a higher rate of speed.
     Cherie’s gone now and I’ve washed the dishes and cleaned a little. That and sitting at this computer both aggravate the pain in my back. If I keep it ramrod straight it doesn’t hurt. Just the slight slouch does it.
     I took the plaque and ten commandments carvings out side to get a picture of them in the sunlight because the quality indoors was poor. I did this to publish them on the website. Come to think of it I will put the plaque on the blog. Jeanie, whom we had gotten to know from the Cedar Creek home group read the blog and sent us an E mail that was a big encouragement. Small words can go a long way to help lift one up. Of course small words can tear down a soul also when there is malice, spite, or even a touch of judgment. Jeanie, if you read this we thank you for your heart and love you.
     I didn’t go to church this morning which I am sure some will find appalling. My brain is functioning at a 7 or 8 and I want to make use of the time to work on the many things that have languished. I promised Jeff I would write up a little Bible study for the home group so will do that first but what is vitally important is to organize Wayne’s papers and make preparations for his Social Security hearing. That will also require me to set up appointments with several doctors to get documentation of his MS and establish it has advanced to the point he is truly disabled.
     It is 1:38. I just got real week and tired. Realizing I have not eaten I fixed the peanut butter and honey on toast I like and had a glass of milk. I am slowing down and think I will lay down for a bit. Barely started the Bible study on Mathew 21.28.
     It is 3:00 now I had taken my second pill and two aspirin before lying down. I am still slow and the headache has not gone away. I listened to Simon and Garfunkel as I snoozed. It is frustrating to return to this state but I must press on and ignore this pain and force the brain to work however slow.
     As I read the book they are studying in Jeff’s home group I was surprised to see little resemblance in the lesson to the parable. Sure it covered some of what Jesus was saying but in a rudimentary way and the author seemed more concerned about making the parable conform to what he wanted to say.      
     I got the Bible study done. It is midnight now and I am exhausted. When Cherie got home at around five I was still slow. I did not start to come out of the slow down till about seven. Did not get much done.

10105 Saturday

10/1/05 Saturday
     I am tired, kinda slow, and depressed this morning. Running about a 6. The depression is connected to my fear the boys don’t want to see me. Bruce said he would be hard pressed finding time which may be true but my mind thinks the worst. Adam has not returned my calls or my E mail. I know their mom is a bitter woman and had to stop her from putting down their dad in front of them when we were married. I worry that the poison of her words has contributed to this but I also know I bear some responsibility because of how I acted around the divorce. I still love them and think that despite making some big mistakes I did a decent job of raising them since they were four and five years old. Hopefully time will heal those wounds.
     Cherie is at work this morning. I don’t have anything scheduled but would like to visit Eileen later.
     It is 12:28 now. I am still slow. Just talked to Eileen and she is not doing well. There may be another tumor and they don’t know what is wrong with her voice box. I hope it isn’t cancer. We are going now to visit her.
     It was a good visit. Eileen was doing better today and it was much easier to visit when the rest of the gang wasn’t there. When her daughter, Terry, and the attachments such as children and significant others are present it is a zoo of voices all competing for prominence. Add to that equation everyone smoking, it gets hard for Cherie to breath and the nicotine has a definite affect on me, and was the trigger for the grand mal seizure I had last year. Today was nice and settled. Glen is sick and was sleeping.
     We visited for four hours. Eileen had a chance to talk about her fears and failing health as well as trying to understand what the doctors were doing. She has been shuffled from doc to doc and it is not over yet. There are so many things going wrong with her it is hard for all the specialists to get on one page.
     I had been so slow when we left to go over there that I had Cherie drive. I don’t do that often as I am a poor and nervous passenger. As we talked I brightened up considerably and both Eileen and Cherie noticed. I showed Eileen the blog and we talked of the website. Eileen had stopped writing her tales of working for me when she got sick but will get back to it. She holds so many keys of my past because there was no one else as involved with my life. She worked for me while I was in prison so knows things about my second wife who had been milking the companies for all they were worth while letting them fall apart as she partied the money away. There is no doubt that the website will stir things up in many circles. Nothing like the truth to cause problems.
     We reminisced about many things as Eileen began to share stories. Cherie heard some shocking things regarding the behavior of my employees and I. There is enough material here to write several books that will be exciting and titillating as well as tragic. And I don’t have to make anything up. If my writing ability can convey these events as they were it will do well. The emotions were intense and to put them on paper in a way the readers can experience them is the key. Of course I have had no training in journalism and the last grade I completed in high school was the ninth. This website will be under constant construction as I research and record my life. This will be therapeutic as well as keep me occupied. It is good not to be idle for idleness can lead to trouble. It helps for me to be focused because of the TBI.
     Right now I am cooking twice baked potatoes and will be grilling New York strip steaks to enjoy with my gorgeous wife. I am blessed.