Tuesday, February 14, 2006

2/14/06 Tuesday
Last night was rough but I am sharp this morning. I’ve been studying how to do things on my blogs like RSS and HTML. I’ve done this before but have to repeat it till it stays. That’s providing I get to where I understand what I read. If I was a ten year old kid I’d probably have it all down pat. It would seem that my audience is growing. I am getting more hits every day from new sources. Allot of the new ones are from California. With a growing audience I have a growing sense of responsibility. Not just to make things understandable for those who wander into this blog but to try and convey the wonder of this new life and the values that have enhanced it. I must get back on building my website.
I wrote the timeline to give you guys an idea of the life I have lived. One of the things I am trying to learn is better ways for visitors to navigate this blog and find key entries such as the timeline and the Love Story I will put on today. (Or at least try to) I’ve seen on other blogs words that are highlighted you can click on and it takes you to a place related to the subject. I’m sure it’s easy to do but I get confused and also forget easy.
Today is Valentines day. For Cherie and I it is just another day because every day is Valentines day with us.
I took my pill at 7:00 this morning and now, at 9:00, my head is doing that dizzy thing and the right ear is ringing. I am now pretty sure it is the medication and should only last an hour but my partial seizures often start the same way. It don’t matter. I push on no matter what and make as much use of the cognizant times as I can. I’m alive and I’m blessed so love every good moment.
One of the things I heard somewhere that I tell myself and others and helps keep things in perspective is this. “I used to complain about having no shoes till I met a man with no feet”. I have met so many others who’s brain injuries are way worse than mine but they keep plugging away. For that matter the folks with MS I met through taking Wayne to their luncheon put me to shame. It is incredible to see their spirit. My life is a direct result of decisions I made and I accept that. I did this to me. Their disease is not and they still live life with as much vigor as they can.

It’s 10:00. I did slow down. Had difficulty cooking the omelet I just made. Would be holding the skillet in my hand and get confused what to do with it. Basic decision making is hard at these times. I used to pay money to put myself in this condition. Kind of like being stoned or drunk with out the feel good part.
This ones a doozy. One of the real physical ones. If I closed my eyes I would fall over. The partial paralysis is more evident. I can write OK and am mentally running about a 5 which ain’t bad all things considered. Just the decision making part is rough. This is one of the weird things with these partial seizures. They seem to affect different parts of the brain at different times.

I just installed a blogging program I saw when I went to do something I don’t remember. Probably shouldn’t have while I am in this state. I thought it was free but it’s a 30 day trial. I make lots of mistakes when slow. The slow down is getting worse. It was hard to get to the bathroom because I really had to concentrate to make my right leg move where I wanted. Headache is coming.

It is 1:54 now and I am doing much better. I just called Allen. He’s all depressed because I wouldn’t come over yesterday. His mental confusion was illustrated when, during the conversation he said that we didn’t talk yesterday. “We didn’t talk yesterday, You were supposed to come over and help me fill out this form, remember” he said in response to me asking if he took it in. I reminded him he had called me yesterday and wanted me to come over and do some work.
I just went back and checked my journal and Allen was right. He had called me Friday, not Monday. This is why I keep a journal. I can remember something happening but this brain is unable to put a time stamp on it. In my mind we had this conversation yesterday. It’s embarrassing. Here I am trying to help others when I get lost myself. I’ll keep trying. One of the things I was taught at the brain injury place in St. Louis is to schedule everything. If it’s not written down it won’t happen.
Anyway, I explained again to Allen that I would not be around until he did the things I had outlined to get some help. He tried his little guilt trip thing but it doesn’t work. I reminded him of my creed “Say what you mean and do what you say”. “Allen, I’ll bust my ass to help you but won’t come around till you get help” I told him. That was the end of the conversation.
I just vacuumed with the new sweeper I bought yesterday. The Singer vacuum had died last week or sometime. Cherie took it in to get fixed and it would cost more than it’s worth. She had picked out one she liked and came home to check with me as we always do with financial decisions. She wasn’t able to get back before they closed. She was worrying about getting it today because we are going to meet at the YMCA after she gets off work. I said I could do it. I have been trying for two years to get her to ask me to do things like this. She keeps putting it all on her shoulders. I know I’ve got problems but I’m not helpless.
It is 3:00. My head is still thick. Just a mild headache. That’s fine with me. I can deal with that and have learned to live with pain since I woke up. Just don’t want one of the migraines.
Allen just called back. It’s working. He is doing the things he needs to get help. At least he is starting to. It will be hard for him, especially in the state of Ohio where funding for social services place this state as the 8th worst in the nation. I will do what I can. Allen practically begged me to come over and help him. I told him I would give him one day but it would have to be on my schedule. “How early can you get up tomorrow Allen?’ I asked him. We settled on 10:00. I’ll have to call him to make sure he is up.
I’ve been working on the love story and it is hard for me to go back to the divorce twenty years ago. Still hurts. But I know the story has a happy ending. I may or may not get it done in time to publish it today.

Cherie and I made it to the Y and worked out. I hope to make this a routine. It’s nearly 10:00 now. We are both tired so I’ll call it a day. Goodnight

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