Saturday, February 04, 2006

Life is full of thorny situations. Often they are made worse by plunging in without thinking things through like "What could happen?"

2/2/06 Thursday
Today I go to the funeral home to view Glen. I have been thinking of something to fix for Eileen but don’t know what. Probably something simple like brownies. Was going to do the buttermilk bread but Wayne called and needs food so that is out. Got to get moving.
I got Wayne to Kroger and helped him shop as I always do. He bought more than usual but it was all good basic stuff. He only has about $20 left on his food stamps so I told him to be frugal because it had to last the month. Getting him home I got the groceries in. I took his picture and he asked me why. “Because pictures are my memories” I told him. That and my journal may well be all I have to recall the events of my life.
Wayne told me that Sharon hated me and told him “You still letting Bob taking you around? You shouldn’t do that because he smokes pot. You need to stay away from him”. Since she stopped taking the Paxil her mental condition has gotten much worse. It is sad but there is nothing more I can do and she doesn’t ask for help so I guess that’s it. I saw her when I was leaving Wayne’s and asked her if she still hated me. “I don’t hate any one” she harshly said. I don’t help people to get thanks, I help them because they need it.

2/3/06 Friday
I’m a little rough this morning. Running a 5 on the Bob scale. I don’t know how to write the journal this morning. Now I am faced with a dilemma caused from me publishing this. Much of yesterday I can’t publish because it reveals things about friends that don’t need to be talked about publicly. I still want to record things because this is my memory. I think I will have to just edit what I publish on the blog. It seems that some of what I wrote previously caused some problems. Much of it was me just thinking out loud. Writing is how I work things out in this brain so it can be interpreted the wrong way by the readers. We all have thoughts that come to our mind and then dismiss as not good or something.

The funeral showing (I’m not sure what your supposed to call it) was quite an experience for me. I haven’t been to many funerals in my life and don’t know how your suppose to do things. I was thinking this was only the second funeral I have been to in my life but now I remember a third one. I could have gone to a dozen but with the memory loss they are not there.
I had baked the big loaf of bread and took it. In the dim resources of my mind I remember a funeral where there was food for the people but I didn’t know if it was appropriate to bring the bread. When I was deciding what to cook I considered cooking sweets but wondered if it was wrong because this is a time of sadness. I hate this being lost thing where I don’t know what to do. Anyway I left the bread in the car and when I asked Eileen if she wanted it she said she wasn’t hungry.

I will call this character Mr. T. He was trashed. He was Bragging about what kind and how many pills he had taken and how he was sneaking beer in with one of those big coffee cups and hitting it hard. I don’t have a problem with that just with him getting rude and making public announcements like “Hey Bob, you got a joint?” I tried to get him to settle but he got boisterous, telling me Glen would be proud of him having this good of a time.
I pretty much felt out of place. Most of the people there were family and all had catching up to do and shared stories of past events. “Do you remember when…” was the start of many tales. I could only listen and had nothing to contribute. Eileen looked at me one time and said I looked lost. I sat in the background and Terry said “What’s wrong with you Bob? Come over here and sit with us”.
There was a lady there who also has a traumatic brain injury. We talked briefly and she has many of the same problems I do but her migraines are worse. It amazes me how many people I meet who have had TBI’s now. I am sure they were always around before but now that I am aware of brain injury I recognize them more.
Calvin, Suzie’s fiancĂ©e, was kinda out of place like me. We have similar backgrounds with prison and all and are both uncomfortable in crowds with people we don’t know. He was allot better at mixing than I am. We talked quite allot. I had never really known him and would only see him for a few minutes at a time when visiting with Glen and Eileen. I really like the guy, at least right now but I really don’t let my guard down until I see more of people. It’s the lack of trust that comes with the life I lived.
Social skills is a big area damaged by my injury and I suppose it will always be that way. I would sit by myself or sometimes near Eileen because I knew her but it was her husbands funeral so she had her hands full. As always in these things there were politics involved and I would catch hints of this and that as ideas and views clashed.
I always want to try to help and fix problems but can’t. It’s not my place here. I am a stranger to most and known by only a small few. I wanted to give Eileen a present that I knew would make her feel better but couldn’t with all the people around. Not the right place. Eileen’s son, Bobby, said I could drop it off at her place after the showing and I said “Are you sure? She’s going to be exhausted and I don’t want to be in the way”.
I started having the ringing ears and loss of coordination that are warning signs of a slow down so I told Eileen I would have to go home and take my medicine. I drove home and Cherie made sure I ate something because I hadn’t all day. I fixed up Eileen’s present and headed back out to drop it off at her house. The showing was to end at 8:00 so I figured she would be home at 9:00 but there was no one there. I called Suzie on her cell phone and she said it would be a bad time and I could hear Eileen in the background saying she was tired and didn’t want anyone to come over. That I understood and knew already cause she was wearing down bad at the funeral home. I just wanted to drop this and the bread off. I always wonder if I am not doing things right or am being a nuisance that’s in the way.
The funeral is at 10:00 this morning. I am not doing well and just took my seizure pill because of the dizziness and stuff. I hope I am doing better at the funeral. I tried to fix buttermilk biscuits this morning but they didn’t turn out well. The stress level is high and that always has a big affect on me.

No comments: