Isn't she beautiful?


2/19/06 Sunday
I am sharp this morning. Took the hundred milligram Lamotrigine (The seizure pill) and will wait for the expected lethargy. Purchased web building software we got a discount on. Cherie and I are talking about the house, as we will till we get there. No, we will always be entertaining things we would like to do with our “home”. Home is such a good word that covers a huge arena of (there’s a word I need here but can’t find so I’ll make a list) emotions, thoughts, concepts, philosophy. Home, a place that is always there, a place to return to, where life can be centered, sanctuary.
10:17 – I could feel the medication as it kicked in and am slowed down from it. There is no question the Lamotrigine dopes me up. I dropped from an 9 to about a 4 now on the Bob scale. This sucks. Is it a price I must pay to prevent seizures? I went back through this journal to research this. Other than daily slow downs I only have a record of two major seizures. The grand mal on 3/28/04 and one on 7/11/04. I just want to be lucid as much as possible. Right now it is hard to write.
I called Eileen and her son Bobby answered. She is still sick and the greed and nastiness I predicted is coming out. Someone went to Social Security and got Glens check sent to them instead of it going to her. Then a brother in law or something came this morning and insisted on waking Eileen up to pressure her about something. She cannot access Glen’s bank account because she has not done what she needs to regarding being declared his legal common law wife. I knew this would happen and offered many times to help. I don’t know if others influenced her to not do so or if she is just overwhelmed. After talking with Bobby I see that I must do some research and approach this in writing. Right now I am too slow to do anything. I am angry at those who are trying to walk over my best friend and fill their pockets. Wish I could sit on her front porch with a shot gun to protect her at this time of great sorrow and confusion. I love my friend like a sister. I am one of the few who would not stand to get personal gain out of this situation so am not just unbiased but would look after her best interest.
I need to lay down a bit. Headache is coming. Hate this. 10:40 and not up to simple things.
Fifteen minutes later and I am running at an 8 or 9. Being angry speeds me up. I saw the dishwater I had poured and forgot so decided to wash the dishes before I laid down. As I washed I thought about Eileen and the whole situation. The more I thought about it the angrier I got. Of all the things I despise in my fellow human beings this personal greed and stealing from your own family is at the top of the list. These people are the ones I call “low life pieces of shit”. That is strong language but it’s the label that best fits these assholes. Stirs me right up. They are just below child molesters and murderers in my book. If one of you low life’s are reading this and don’t like it call me. I’d love to tell you in person.

It’s nearly three now. Cherie went over to her mom’s. I know she will be a mess when she gets back. We have talked and talked about that situation but I don’t think anything will ever happen. She said she was going to fix the window and disintegrated fireplace herself and that got a reaction from me. I told her I would be more than willing to go over there and fix anything and had always been. It’s just that she knows it’s hard for me to keep my mouth shut. It’s gotten to the point where adult services or the law need to be brought in but no one seems willing to do that.
I spent the last few hours studying the law regarding Eileen’s problems. My years of doing legal research for inmates in prison help me understand how to navigate some of that. I also read through the MS stuff. I have lots of work to do to help Wayne, just hope I am up to it. I seem unable to follow through on much of anything.
I am tired now and need to lay down.

Cherie’s Note: I survived my visit to the folks and I’m not a mess. Actually, I realized today that I’m free – of them and the mess they have allowed. I will always love them and help when I can – but I didn’t create the problems they have and I don’t have the power to fix any of it. Despite what they think or how they try to make me feel, I am going to make my life work, and much of my future will probably not include them – this makes me sad. I sat in the basement as I did some laundry there, looking at the mess –
I wouldn’t even know how to describe it. I cannot take a step without stepping on something – clothes, towels, junk – I would have to dig through a layer of stuff just to see the concrete basement floor, but I try not to because of the filth and mildew. My sister did help me cover the gaping hole left from the fireplace falling apart. It is very cold here right now, and the basement is freezing. Not my problem – I can’t help – It’s not wanted.

I am about done for today. Was fairly sharp all day long. I did get tired but I always do that. I’ll call it a night.