Thursday, February 09, 2006

2/9/06 Thursday
I seem to be doing well this morning despite barely sleeping all night. Cherie also was restless. I laid in bed wide awake till 2:00 this morning and would just snooze and wake up the rest of the night.
I’m tired. Imagine that, I don’t sleep well and I’m tired. Just called Fred to see if he would like to go anywhere today. I’ll take him up to Crissey Rd thrift store where he hopes to get some free bread. He’s not worried about the bread, just wants to get out. This will be a fair day for that though the cold air will hit his emphysema pretty hard. It was 13 degrees this morning but is a cloudless sunny day and should warm up to 30.
I’ve showered and shaved now. Fixing to head out to the gym. I have neglected that lately and so has Cherie. It’s hard for her because she is tired when she gets home from work. I will take the letter I wrote to River East with me and run it over there.
Worked out pretty good if sweat is a marker for that. Didn’t have time to run to the east side. Folks at the Y are friendly and open which I am not used to. There was a guy I could hear doing a loud “Daay oh” as he took a shower. He came out and said “That was me” and asked my name as he stood there holding his towel in place. I told him my name and shook the hand he had extended. He was saying something about “God Bless You” as he hung on to my hand. This made me rather uncomfortable and I had to pry my hand out of his grasp. “I gotta get going” I told him and headed for the fitness area.
As I worked out another guy came up to the machine I was on and said “You getting a good workout aren’t you”. I said yes and told him I needed to get back in shape because of being in a coma. Then he started talking about being in a seminary and began to expound on his revelation about Jesus’ being raised from the dead. He said that when Jesus was in the ground three days before his resurrection the apostles went home and had sex with their wives and it took three days for their sperm to fertilize the eggs and that is what brought Jesus back. OK. This must be weird people day at the YMCA. I was nice and didn’t tell him he was a nut case, I just said that was interesting and I would have to think about it for a while. Then it was “I’ve got to finish working out because I have someplace to go, so I’ll let you go now”. At this point I don’t even want to look at someone because I don’t feel like dealing with any more of this stuff.
With that done I came home and took Fred to the thrift store. They didn’t have any bread so Fred just tooled around as I explained what he was peering at. After we got done there I took him to a thrift shop called Savers. He looked around and found a knife block he could use. He purchased it and asked me to take him home.
I got Fred to his apartment and then left to go to River East. Walking into the office the receptionist recognized me so I figured it was Holly. I didn’t recognize her but facial recognition is part of my brain that was damaged. I remember talking with her but can’t remember the face. We talked a little and I left the letter with her. I just sent her an E mail to tell her of the blog and I think to thank her but that was ten minutes ago so I don’t really remember. I will remember tomorrow but that is one of the quirks of this memory.

After that I went upstairs to see my old wood shop. I knew Bernie was real busy and his lights were turned off so I wasn’t going to bother him. His door was wide open so I peeked in and saw he was lying down on his couch. “Bernie” I gently called and he sat up quickly, obviously startled.
We talked for a short time and he told me he was seeing Sally (I think that’s her name. I knew her but am not always clear on stuff). We filled each other in a little on our lives. Bernie showed me his latest project and as always I am impressed with his talent. I took some pictures of him and had to go so he could attend to pressing matters.
Then I went and visited with Keith. He too was hard at work so I snapped a few shots and headed to the back where my shop had been.
It always breaks my heart to see the remnants of that life and what’s happened to it since. There was more stuff gone. This is hard. I just wandered around and looked. I didn’t take any pictures like I planned. Just got depressed and left.
I miss all these friends and the life there when it was good and I was better. Bernie said he would like to go out for lunch, maybe in Lucky Ohio. I know the name and know I’ve been there but don’t have a clue where it is. If I go it will be another of those returning memories times.
I don’t feel good and the headache is getting bad. Cherie asked me to fix dinner and I had chicken marinating but got to writing this and forgot. Just put it in the oven. Cherie will be home in five minutes. It will be good to see her. She always helps to brighten up things when I am down.
The headache turned into a migraine. I took the usual battery of pills and they dulled the pain a little but not much. I got real slow as I prepared dinner. Making simple decisions like how to get the vegetables out of the steamer were hard and I had to ask Cherie for help. Cherie is real emotional this evening and there was nothing I could do that wouldn’t make her break out in tears. I apologized for being crabby and she just cried. She is tired but I think it is mostly the menopause thing. I fixed some coffee because it sometimes helps the headache by constricting the blood vessels. I am doing better now. Still don’t handle bright light. They showed skiing on the news and all the white snow really bothered me. Now I am in the dark with the screen on this laptop dimmed as far as it will go and there is no noise so this works.

I’m still depressed from going to my old warehouse and looking at the ashes of my dreams. There is no one to blame but me. I did this. Bernie told me that he was…not impressed but something like that, just can’t remember how he put it… by how I had defeated the drug addiction. He said that he thought I was a goner, that I would be dead by now. I told him about what I read in the hospital records when I was placed in the psych unit after being found crying and not knowing my name. It said that I told the doctors I was trying to die. In my depression I was destroying everything, including myself. Now I am blessed but the past still hurts. Because of my injuries I am a shadow of the man I was before the divorce but I am at peace.
It’s 8:40 now. I think I will call it a night for this journal though I will search some art on the net to give me some ideas for a drawing I will make. I already know what I want it to say, just want to explore some styles.

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