Friday, February 17, 2006

Church and Injustice

2:56 – Headache is coming. Closed the blinds and took aspirin. Will hold off on the Zomig as I only have two left until the prescription I ordered a day or so ago comes. The cat is getting on my nerves with his incessant meowing. Wayne called to apologize for yesterday when I should have been apologizing to him. He realized he was whining and focusing on his problems and thanked me for setting him straight and opening his eyes. I guess I did good by accident.

Here’s a good example of jumping to a wrong conclusion. I looked out the window and saw two women take a bag of garbage to the dumpster in our parking lot. When they came back I saw one of them look at Fred’s car and walk over and kick it. OOH… I’M Pissed. I started to grab my coat but she was gone before I could get outside. I got her license plate and went out to check Fred’s car. There was no damage so I came back in and knocked on Fred’s door. “Did you see that blonde out side” I said, bridling with indignation. “Yeah Bob, she’s the cleaning lady. That was her and her daughter picking up trash from the lot” he replied with a curious look on his face as he wondered what had me riled. I said she kicked his car and he said “No, she just kicked something under the car they had missed”. Boy am I glad I was slow getting out the door cause I was hot and would have sure put my ass in my mouth.
Anyway I need to lay down. I turned the gentle Celtic music off and will most likely not watch TV. I checked the blog and noticed someone from Plano Texas looked at it. That’s not far from Paris Texas, where my ancestors had settled early in their arrival to Texas, at least I think so. Not real clear on that.
Unless I get better we won’t be going to the home show tonight. It’s 3:56 and the headache is increasing. On top of that is the loss of balance. I guess I will have to take a Zomig.

5:17 – Migraine still there and I am operating at a 6 on the Bob scale. Not good but not bad with a migraine. I talked to Virginia earlier today so want to write about that while it’s in my mind. I called her partly to discuss the probate on Lee’s will but also to see how she’s doing. We talked for quite a while. She was at work and had to put me on hold a couple of times, once hanging up by accident but she called back. She was to see her doctor this afternoon who evidently is not up to speed on her being in the hospital with an infection. I don’t know that for sure you know. Don’t always hear things right.
We talked about all kinds of stuff, much of which I can’t remember. Talked about the water problems in that part of Texas and she said there is a government agency running around and registering wells or something. The aquifers are drying up. There is an aquifer that is all salt water that there is discussion of creating desalination plants for. She had a well drilled on her place just a year or three ago and said it cost around $5,000. That was good to hear cause it will give us a ballpark for the well we need to drill at the farm.
We also talked about God. Virginia can tell from this blog that I have developed some serious issues in that area. This is partly from what we have been through with churches and church people as well as my personal experiences. I told her that while I would love to be a child of God I no longer want to use the term Christian because of the negative connotations that word now carries. If you go up to some one and say “I’m a Christian” there are instant walls they throw up in self defense. She told me of splinter groups in her area and how divisive they are. I’ve got other questions but won’t go into that now. I plan on a blog just for that subject.
Cherie just came home. I never know how slow I am till I have to talk with someone. Then it comes out. I kinda wish I could describe how I sound at these times. I heard this voice before when they had people on TV who had brain damage or were retarded. I don’t like that word but can’t think of another one that fits. For me these states just come and go. I can be sharp and lucid at one moment and then slow at another. I like to point out that I’m not stupid at slow times, just can’t process information as fast and get more emotional. My joke is that I am either the smartest dumb guy or the dumbest smart guy you will ever meet. It just depends on the moment you meet me.
What a small world and what another in this series of coincidences my life has been since I woke up. I told Cherie about Darlene Parish’s response to the E mail I sent out to everyone entitled “Keeping in touch”. She said she would like to invite us over one night. Cherie thought that would be real nice so we called. It took a moment for Darlene to recall this so we began to have a nice talk. Darlene is a woman I met at one of the MS luncheons who has a sweet spirit. She was there helping one of those with MS. As we talked she said she would like us to come over for one of her church home groups.
That was fine with me but it brought up some reservations. “What church do you go to?” I asked just to get an idea what I would be walking into. You never know. The phrase “Church group” can cover so many categories it is as innocuous as possible. They could be Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, Scientologists, Pentecostal snake handlers, and who knows what.
What I didn’t expect was her answer “You know, Cedar Creek”… BAM. The very same church that had caused the immense pain I was just talking to Virginia and writing about a couple of hours ago. My head was spinning as I heard myself telling Darlene that Cedar Creek had asked us to go somewhere else. Cherie was instant with her “I don’t want to go there”. This hurt was much deeper with her than me and it had torn me up so I can grasp what she was feeling.
Darlene started asking questions and expressed her disbelief that anyone higher up in the organization would do such a thing. She asked me “why” and I really didn’t have an answer. Nobody there really took the time to say why, hell they never took the time to talk with us with the exception of Lauri White whom I retain the deepest respect for. The rest just got together and passed sentence without my input at all. Kinda like being tried and convicted in absentia. As I struggled to answer her questions I realized that this would violate one of my principles, which is also a Biblical precept. That is to not cause divisions within the church, to not allow that kind of bitterness in so I backed off. Darlene was in the middle of getting dinner ready for her kids so I told her to just call back when it was more convenient. This will give me time to think, which is what I am doing as I write.
How do I approach this? What would be right? My doubts regarding God run deep now, triggered by what happened at the church we had looked to and loved. So I will follow the principles outlined in their Bible. It says that when you pray, if you know any man who has something against you, go to him and make it right. I used to think it said that if you had anything against a man go to him and ask forgiveness but was surprised one day to see how I had misread that.
Of course I can see how I did. It’s allot easier to go to someone you’ve got a problem with and say “Hey buddy, you done me wrong but I’ll forgive you”. That makes you the better man and you can pat yourself on the back and say “Look what I did”. But to go to someone who is upset at you, probably for some real or perceived wrong you did to him, and try to make that right is a lot harder, and requires humility.
So what do I do? There is a Bible study I had intended to write over a year ago before I was soured on all things Christian that I need to complete called the “Anatomy of judgment”. I wrote most of it in my head and have most of the scriptures so will now take the time because this has been thrown in front of me. It’s just that this brings up all the pain. When those you loved and trusted turn and stomp you into the ground you don’t want to revisit that memory much less actually visit them. Yet you want to bring darkness into the light, hopefully to prevent further harm to others. I will sleep on this.
I had forgotten to take my seizure pill this morning. I was pretty sharp most of the day. Just took one at 7:46 and it is hitting me now. I have to wonder if the pills are causing more problems than they fix. I had them get me off the first seizure pill because it doped me up but this Lamotrigine does also. When I forget to take it I have lots of energy. I still have slow downs but they are not as bad or as long.

I am again watching the show “Injustice” and it stirs my heart as it always will. There are too many kids I have seen sent up by the system, including myself, who should not have been. There was one in the Texas prison who I watched as he was “turned out” and traded like a cheap trinket. Sometimes I can remember his name. Not right now. He was a small kid who had been used by others to break into businesses by them lifting him up through windows they couldn’t fit through. He would then unlock the door to let them in. When it all fell apart the kid took the fall for them all, pushed into confessing by the police interrogators. He was a weak scared kid who wasn’t all there. I have known many like him who’s lives have been destroyed by unscrupulous justice officials ranging from police officers, prosecutors, and judges who were more interested in getting their numbers up than true justice. Sometimes it’s ambition, sometimes it’s laziness, sometimes it’s keeping the budget down, but always it is at the cost of innocence and truth. Good night. It's 11:30 at night. I just remembered the kids name. It was Wysong

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