More loose ends

3/19/06 Sunday
It’s another cloudless morning. I wish I could see our path ahead as well as I can see far on a day like this. I woke up debating about going to New Life Assembly. I read what I wrote in the journal to get an idea where my head was at last night on this. As uncomfortable as I am with some of what we saw there when we went before I have to wonder about the timing of Fran’s call. He didn’t call so much to tell us about Ron and Paula being hurt as to invite us to the church celebration. It seems that many of the things happening in our lives lately has been a tying up of loose ends of the lives we had here in Toledo. That takes me back to the thought that there is an unseen hand orchestrating things in our lives. I don’t know and refuse to create something in my mind that isn’t there. You know, “Spiritualize” everything.


Regardless, this is the church I helped to found so many years ago and Fran and Marsha are old friends. I never followed up on spending more time with them to recover what memories of my past they hold. Of course I never seem to follow up on much of anything. Fran has, or had, his ministry to the truckers at the truck stop in Stony Ridge and that kept him busy. He had asked me if I wanted to be involved but I wouldn’t because of the doubts I have. I will not represent anything I don’t have a firm belief in. My daily prayer is for God to let me know He exists, “Where are you?”. We have seen a world of people who say one thing and do another. I refuse to join those ranks. I am more honest and live a life that is much more scriptural than many who call themselves “Christians”. I won’t call myself a Christian because it is a negative label to most people, instantly stereotyping us and bringing up all kinds of walls. And because it would not be honest for me to claim because I am unsure of what many of the churches teach. I help the poor and helpless because I care and that is the number one theme in the whole Bible, front to back.

Anyway, we are going to go. Fran had told me last night, in an attempt to convince me to go “There’s going to be a potluck afterwards. There’ll be some good food there”. “Fran, the food doesn’t matter to me. I won’t come for the food. I will go because it is what I should do” I responded. This set him back a little, made him think I reckon. In my mind, if we went for the food we’re being false. That is something I determined not to be after I woke up from the coma. Of course blunt honesty has caused allot of trouble for me. I know that many of the Christian friends we know will be bothered about my expressing my doubts but I won’t put up a false front, pretending to be what I am not. Then I will join the ranks of those who disgust me. That’s not Christians mind you, but those who talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. These are the ones who have made the term “Christian” one that is a negative to many in this nation.

How many times I have heard “I don’t go to church because of the hypocrites”? It’s become a standard response in America. It wasn’t to long ago that we had been excited about going to a church we thought could become a home and a place we could find friends. I was excited and wanted to pitch in anyway I could to use my background and degree for something good. But it went terribly wrong. I was labeled or judged by some in the leadership. This judgment spread like a drop of poison in a glass of water and soon shaded everyone’s eyes so they interpreted what they saw of me by what they had heard. Then, despite my pleas for some help, some emotional support, some simple advice, we were asked to find another church. And to make sure our separation was complete the leader of the home group we attended was told to not let us attend any longer. That hurt deep. Here I was, still reeling from the brain injuries I received in the car wreck, being kicked in the ass by those we turned to for help. We didn’t ask for or want money, we just wanted friends. Don’t they realize what their Bible says? “That if you cause the least of My little ones to stumble, it would be better for you to have a millstone tied around your neck and thrown into the deepest part of the sea”. Of course I am sure they are smug and believe, in their self righteousness, that they had done God’s work. I can see them now patting each other on the back and saying “We took care of that problem. Good job”.

Time to go to Church.