Finally cleared up

I never did make it to the shower. Just had a piece of the apple pie we baked last night for breakfast. It is time to drive Fred around. I’ll be fine, just have to be careful. I know I won’t talk much.

I made it back. Still slow but not as bad. These things tire me out pretty badly. Fred wanted to give me a tour of the Zenobia Shrine building so I dutifully followed him around. He would look at a door and peer at the plaque identifying what room it was and say “That’s the (Whatever) room”. I would look and see the sign said something else all together but that’s OK. Fred is blind and no sense pointing it out. I had a hard time not laughing when he pointed to the one labeled “Men’s Room” and said it was another chapter’s room. I had to let him know it was the bathroom. Even walking is hard right now because this is one of the slow downs that effects the paralysis on my right side. That is why I was fumbling everything this morning. The brain is having a hard time telling my right side what to do.

Ahmed is back. He’s out changing the tire on his Firebird. I am not happy but don’t want to talk to him while slow. I need to take the migraine pill now. Then I think I will hobble to the bed and drop in it. I will take the laptop and try to sort pictures. If I get confused I will just go to sleep and hope to wake up sharp.

Ahmed just left with Jackie. She was dressed to expose. Got the tramp look down pat. It makes me wonder.

I urge you not to throw away time, for it's swift as an arrow, fast as a stream. Distraction is entirely due to lack of concentration; stupidity and blindness are caused by lack of true knowledge.

-Yung-Ming, "Five Houses of Zen" Buddhist teachings

Well I finally cleared up at around 3:30. I really hate losing this much of a day. I got motivated and went on line to look up an attorney in Midland. I think I found a good law firm cause the woman I talked to was very helpful. Her area of specialty is in estates and stuff. When I explained my take on what the lawyer for the estate told me she explained that I have more of a say in the matter. She said that half of the farm was mine period and that I don’t have to sign off on it so it cannot be sold without my say.

If Larry wants to sell half he can either negotiate with me or pay out of his pocket the somewhat significant cost of having everything surveyed out and the negotiation on what goes where. I have no problem working with him but it is kind of impossible when the ass won’t call.
I sent him another E mail and will wait on Larry as I have been doing for months now. The things I have to do to get my family to talk to me. But that’s the loving caring Westbrook family. I’m sure we’re all proud.

If you look real hard you can see three deer. Click on the picture to enlarge it.

Cherie and I went to the park and enjoyed walking together. We saw our deer again and took some pictures. It was a nice end for the day. I am still frustrated at not getting much done because of the slow down. Cherie was cheered by the news from the law firm and that will help. I always feel better when Cherie feels better.


One of the things I always enjoy every spring is the first signs of new life.

The first buds of what will soon be many.

Even the moss has flowers. There is no life without death. Just as nature must "die" every winter to come to life again so did I. I died to the old life and problems and have come back to a new life.

Hard start. This is what I go through regularily

This mornings sunrise.

3/31/06 Friday
7:45 - This is a rough morning. I woke up slow and physically uncoordinated fumbling and dropping everything. I am pretty foggy this morning, running a 4 on the Bob scale. My voice is real hoarse so maybe I am fighting something off. I had fast slow down last night and it wiped me out. Cherie said I just went to bed and was asleep right away. Never did finish the journal for yesterday. I was in the middle of writing about Ahmed and Jackie but didn’t finish. Just stopped in mid sentence. Hopefully I will clear up today. I don’t have anything scheduled other than taking Fred to the post office.

It’s 8:40. I have been trying to fill in yesterday’s entry but am having a hard time. Still too slow. Typing is pretty difficult. The headache is coming. This may be a doozy. My ears are ringing and the noise from the highway seems deafening. Fred will want to go to the post office. That might be hard to do. There are times I won’t drive or go out. We will see how it goes. I took my seizure pill. I think I will fix some breakfast and see if that helps.

9:06 - This ones rough. I go to take a shower and end up in the kitchen. I go back to the bedroom to get my coffee cup and start getting dressed. Then I remember I was going to take a shower. That’s short term memory loss. Close to the immediate memory in how quick things disappear. The odd thing is I often remember a few minutes later as in this case.

Not good. Fred just called and wants to leave at ten to go to the post office. That’s fine because it is just down the road but then Fred reminds me that he wants to go downtown to pay his Shrine dues. I can do it but will be driving like an old man. Can’t react fast when like this.

Good start, slow end.

I just called Wayne. He found the appointment slip and saw that it was for 10:00 instead of 2:00. He suggested I still take him to the VA clinic “Maybe” they’ll see him. and I told him to call and see cause I didn’t want to drive back and forth for nothing. That frees up some time so I can rest.





Wayne called to say he would just reschedule for later so I called Allen to see how he’s doing. He was kinda panicky and said to call him back in five minutes. I waited ten and got no answer. Who knows what happened to him.

Just as I was writing this the phone rang. It was Allen and right when he was tired the other line beeped in. It was Cherie so I told Allen I would call him back. Cherie is not doing well. They changed her hours and she doesn’t like them. She goes to work at ten but doesn’t get home till seven. “I just want to go to Texas” she cried. I did my best to cheer her up and get looking at the bright side of things. It took a lot of work to get a laugh out of her but I finally did. All this misery because Larry never bothered to talk things out.

Allen seemed unexcited about things so I suggested he just get some sleep. He hasn’t slept since yesterday. That works well with me cause I am not real sharp. Running about a 5 or 6 on the Bob scale. The ears are ringing and the headache has been working its way out of the murky deep of my head. I think I will take the headache meds and lay down. Never really did though I talked about it. It’s 2:30 now.


5:00 – Now for the next chapter of “The Cokewhore and the Muslim”. As I was resting I heard a car with a flat tire coming in. I thought about jumping up to see what it was but decided not to. Too comfortable. Later on I got up to get something I looked out the window. At first it was hard to see but “What’s that. Is Ahmed’s tire flat? Has it been wrecked?”. I went to the other window and sure enough, it was wrecked. Now I know that Ahmed is a long haul trucker and is on the road so it wasn’t him driving. That leeeaaves…THE COKEWHORE.

Earlier today Jackie was cleaning out Ahmed’s Firebird. I had just come back from the shopping trip and was carrying my groceries in. When I got the last package up I came down to move the Caddy from where I had parked it to unload. I asked Jackie how she was doing. She complained about not having anything to do so she was cleaning the car just to be outside. Fine, I parked the car and went in.

It wasn’t maybe a half hour before the cell rang again. IT WAS AHMED!!! He says in his broken English “

(That’s as far as I got yesterday. Here’s the rest)

“Bob, did you talk to Jackie? She said you told her she could come over and have coffee anytime”. “No Ahmed, that’s nuts, I didn’t ask her to come over at all” I replied. He kept on asking questions and it was soon evident that he was suspicious, jealous, and being an ass. He wanted the details of my brief conversation with Jackie. OK! Enough is enough “Ahmed I don’t like her and would never let her so much as set her foot in my place” I told him. He kept rambling on so I said “Bye” and hung up on him”.


That was five hours ago. I went out to take a closer look at Ahmed’s car. OH YEAH ! It’s been smashed. Now I call Ahmed on his cell to tell him. He was too strange. I say “Ahmed, Your Firebird has been smashed”. Ahmed didn't seem to understand so I explained things to him. When I told him that Jackie had driven the car he asked "Did you see her yourself?" Then he got on about how he was helping Jackie and said he wasn't worried about it. "It doesn't matter" I told Ahmed he needs to get rid of the girl and said we would talk when he gets here.

About 8:00 we heard Jackie leave and watched her walk to the bar. There I am sure she will do what she does for her drugs.

I wonder

I just posted the previous entry and put a picture of Cherie on it. When I checked how it turned out I clicked on it to make it bigger. I am struck by her face and smile, it is almost ethereal, the level of emotion even her picture evokes. It is good to be in love. Hey, I got it bad and love it. Time to move.

I made it back. This is one of those days when I get lost. I looked all over Kroger trying to find Smart Balance Popcorn Cherie gave me a coupon for. I couldn’t find the popcorn section and then had to peer over a cart a vender had on the way as he stocked shelves. Come to find out Kroger don’t carry that item.

With that done I made it to Kazmier’s. By this time I was moving pretty slow as I was having another of those “Petit” seizures. (I finally found the medical name for them) It took me a long time to find things in this store I seldom go to. Last of all I looked all over for the pop Cherie’s list said was 99 cents. Come to find out they had it up front on the other side of the registers.

I’m glad to be back cause I don’t like being outside when I’m like this. I fixed a grilled ham, cheese, and jalapeño sandwich. I have to get Wayne to the VA clinic today but am slowing more and have a headache on the way. Probably should lay down a bit so I am up to speed for Wayne and then Allen. He’s the real drain for this day.

Cherie just came home for lunch. I could tell she wasn’t to happy and was preoccupied in her mind. I asked her how she’s doing. Cherie said “I’m still angry. What are we going to do if this all falls apart? Where are we going to go?”. Then she started to cry just a little. I told her that no matter what we had each other but that I was going to try hard to get the farm.

I have been wondering. How can we bid on the farm when we just filed bankruptcy and can’t get credit. The inheritance won’t be released till it’s all over so I can’t use it to buy the farm cause I don’t get it till then? I don’t know how this works and find it all confusing. That’s why I must get a lawyer. No one else is explaining anything. If my brother would have bothered to talk with me we could have negotiated everything to make it easier and better for us both. Of course negotiation is not in Larry’s vocabulary. It’s his way, that’s it. When his actions upset my wife that changes things. Then it becomes personal. I can be a real dick if I want to be.

I will lay down now and get about an hours rest before I go pick up Wayne. Hopefully I will clear up some.

Another day

3/30/06 Thursday
It’s another day in the continuing saga of Bob. Cherie could tell I was getting depressed so told me it wasn’t worth being depressed over. I’m not upset over how Larry decided to conduct business regarding his half of the estate. He gets half regardless and that was never an issue in my mind. It is painful and puzzling that in his mind it appears he has cataloged me as some one not to be trusted and he has done this without even bothering to talk. As I sit here isolated from my family I can only guess at what they think of me. Cherie and I look forward to facing the storms of life together and our love for each other gives us strength and direction. I know that sounds like an old tired cliché but there is truth there. It is good to look forward rather than to just stand still much less to keep looking back. That’s done and gone.

I am doing OK. Running a 7 on the Bob scale. That’s average. Allen called. He asked me “What would you like to have of mine if I died?”. Now he’s got my attention. Allen has had several close friends commit suicide and it is always on his mind. Now he is facing a big problem and it’s inevitable results. I talked to him about this. “Allen…That’s stinking thinking again. You need to not allow this. Find something else to think about. I tell you what! Plan something to do in a few days to give yourself something to do”. We talked for a while. After I get Wayne taken care of I think I will run over and get Allen out of his hole. That’s what friends do. You know, the ones that don’t disappear when you have problems.


Cherie left me a shopping list for groceries. She has store, price, and coupons all down. Too cool. She sets the budget and knows how to get the deals. It helps for me to have written instructions, otherwise I would buy everything in the store. I’m heading out now to buy groceries.

Still sorting through the tangles

I am running down. This thing with the estate is bothering me to no end. Still trying to understand what the lawyer was saying. As a general rule when I’m confused I say no. I need to know what’s going on and don’t feel good about being kept out of the loop on this. I E-mailed one of the people I met in Midland through the blog and after a brief description asked if he could refer me to a lawyer. He’s a well known person whose is connected with the community. It won’t hurt to just consult with a lawyer. I suppose it would be smart come to think of it. This sucks. All because we don’t talk or in some circumstances just talk. Oh well.

I called Allen. He’s going through withdrawals again. I don’t think it will be long before he hits bottom. I’m sure his credit card is maxed out. He’s close. I think I have him deep enough into the system to get some help.

I’m still rattled on this estate stuff. Just trying to understand what’s going on. You know, want it to make sense.

Jennifer Stockbureau (Still can’t stick the name) called and let me know she had copies of the letter for NPI. She asked if the original should be sent to NPI so I told her “definitely”. Oh Yeah!!! 1. 2. 3. punch. The pressure is on to move Wayne. First me, then LMHA, then the Ability Center, and now the Zeph Center. I think I got their attention. The only group I didn’t get involved was the MS Society. For those just visiting Wayne is a Vietnam era veteran who worked blue collar jobs all his life and then…got MS. I’m working on getting him out of crack town and into a safe place.

There she is. The most beautiful girl in the world, at least I think so but I am biased. We are blessed and no matter what comes we have each other.

It’s almost 4:00 now. I am tired. Larry looked at the blog a short time ago. He read quite a few pages, about seven or so. Hope he calls but I can never predict his behavior. I’m having a hard time staying awake right now. I put on the chicken I marinaded. Cherie said to run it at 300 for forty five minutes and it will be done. She suggested we hit the park as soon as she gets home and that will help wake me up. I know why I’m tired. I took Fred to Kroger. That is always a drain and today Fred was extra confused. Add to the equation is I am sorting other things out so didn’t pay good attention to him. Cherie asked if I had gotten back with Virginia. “No, not yet” I told her. Perhaps that will help me understand what’s going on.

Not much else for today. Cherie already fell asleep. The park was good as it always is. Cherie and I enjoyed each others company and walked arm in arm. As we went down the path I saw our herd of deer at the bottom of the ravine. We took lots of pictures but few of them came out. Cherie is worried about what is going on down in Texas also. She doesn’t think much of how Larry is acting. He hasn’t bothered to call and the few times in the past he did he was drunk. It seems he thinks I was going to rip him off or something. Somewhere he developed these ideas without even talking to me. Nothing like an overworked imagination. Add to that is a basic fundamental of human psychology. A liar suspects everyone else is lying to him. A thief fears others will steal from him. What people are worried about is a good window into their own faults. Larry still hasn’t kept his word concerning what he grabbed for himself upon our mothers death.

I just talked to Virginia. She said Larry hasn’t worked since the funeral. He told her he was getting advise from dad on the estate saying “He’s been through all this before”. I have to wonder what the conversations about me were like. Two people who don’t know me from Adam, especially my father who only saw me a couple of times in twenty years. All Larry knows is from his brief encounters when I was wandering around with brain damage despite his being told by the hospital I was to be in rehabilitation. Virginia hopes we will talk. I told her that I have called and sent E mails with no response. She even commented on the tone of the one E mail he sent “Telling me” what to do and to hurry up and do it. She said he treated her the same way, like she was his servant.

Virginia is getting worn out with all this. She said it took her forever to get a hold of Larry because she needs a death certificate on our mother in order to access what’s at the bank. She told me again that she didn’t understand my dad not even talking to me. She also was wondering how Larry was surviving without working. Perhaps he talked dad into giving him the $10,000 he had offered before. I wouldn’t sign off because I wanted to talk to dad first. It was worth ten thousand to talk to him. I also didn’t trust Larry to handle my ten grand well. Ultimately I never got anything but that was no surprise. I have the will of my grandmother on my father’s side and it does require Larry and I to be together on getting those and other funds. This is something else I think I will have the lawyer from Midland to look at later. To think, all I want is for my family to talk with me. I guess that makes me a bad guy huh?

Enough of this. I’m going to bed now.

The Tangle begins

A hundred thousand elephants,
A hundred thousand horses,
A hundred thousand mule-drawn chariots,
Are not worth a sixteenth part
Of a single step forward.

-Buddha, "The Connected Discourses of the Buddha"



I suppose I should fix something to eat considering it’s 10:50. Still running about a 7 so that’s good.

I guess we will have to get a lawyer down in Texas. Hate to do it cause they take all the money but what Jim McGilvray, the lawyer who’s handling the estate, tells me doesn’t make any sense. He says that I must match the highest offer for the land and other than that have no say in the matter. That seems so backassward it boggles my mind. I have to go into debt to get the land I inherited and pay a much higher price, actually compete with others to retain the farm I had promised my grandmother I would keep intact. Now that I will contest. If my brother would not be so tied up in lining his pockets we could get the land for a decent price. I’d be happy to pay him but now the price just got jacked way up. It’s lawyer time. I hate to tie things up but see no choice considering brother man hasn’t bothered to talk to me. This could go on for a while. I have about four hours of recordings from when we came down to visit Lee. In it there is the part where she said she didn’t want the farm broken up and wanted Cherie and I to live there. I promised her I would take good care of it. I will have to listen for an hour or three to find it. That will throw a loop into the mix. I can’t figure out why I can’t just pay Larry for his half.

Fred wants to go to Kroger so I must head out.

Being Careful

3/29/06 Wednesday
As you can tell from yesterday’s entries it was a rough day. Taking Fred and Barb to the laundry mat was as draining as expected.

Barb was in a good mood, I suppose because it was her birthday. The day before her Zeph Center caseworker had taken her and a couple of others to the Zoo. Barb said the other two didn’t stay long so it was just her and Shannon, the case worker. She was on a non stop monologue about it and as she talked the effects of her brain damage were evident. I watched her face as she would talk about the “Little fishies” and the other things she saw. As she did my heart went out to her because other than the visible marks of her age she was conversing pretty much as an eight year old would. When she would come to a perceived dilemma her face would get serious and knit up as she looked down, working out the problem out loud as she verbalized the thoughts going through her mind.

Barb had so much laundry she filled up the trunk and back seat and still had to leave some behind. Part of that was laundry from her next door neighbor. Who knows what other laundry was there. I had considered getting Wayne because he also has laundry to do but there was no room.

Fred had purchased two rolls of quarters for this expedition. He was comical in a frustrating way as he doled out the quarters. I had talked Barb into using two of the biggest washers because you got a better deal for the money. They were $4.00 each so when I told Fred he expressed his usual outrage at the price of things and then started counting the quarters out one by one into my hand. My arm began to get tired as I held it out to get quarters. Finally I told Fred he could trust me so he gave me a handful of quarters and waited for what was left after I fed the two machines. In all Barb used six washers. Two triple loaders, two doubles, and two single loads. I knew it would be a long day and regretted not bringing the laptop. I settled in front of the TV and let Barb do her thing. Fred was freezing because they didn’t have the heat on. With natural gas prices so high I can’t blame the owners for keeping it low.

I am doing much better this morning. I woke at 4:30 and laid there thinking about the farm and what to expect out of Larry. I’m running at a seven on the Bob scale. There is nothing scheduled today. I will probably go see Allen if he gets out of bed before 3:00. I need to make sure I call the lawyer in Texas about the inheritance. Then I should call Virginia to give her an idea of our position on this.



Be careful. You never know what may sneak up from behind and grab you but you also can be blind to what you are running headlong into.
Better look to see what may hidden in front of you.
(Click to enlarge)


I got cleaned up early in case Ahmed came to the door about Jackie. He came home yesterday, parking his red semi out behind the Laundromat we see framed by our window. Haven’t heard much from over there. Ahmed already told me he was buying her dope. You don’t feed a sickness to keep it strong. That’s destroying somebody in the name of doing good. I enjoy being free of every thing that tied up my soul like that. I want to pass that freedom on but fear getting to close to that world, afraid it will reach out and grab me. A shadowy serpentine hand sneaking up on me from a dark crevice, opening wide its saber fingers to GRAB me. Tying my arms to my side. Trapping me. Enslaving me. Costing me the miracle that my life has become. Not going there! Not going to let that happen. I will love life and live a life I can be proud of. But I will be careful.

I just went on a cleaning spree. I started with dishes but that soon evolved as I got into it. Usually I just do a quick wipe down of the counter but this time I began pulling everything out and cleaning areas that had not seen a wash cloth in a while. I hit all the burners on the stove and scrubbed the floor. It always hurts to do some of that but it will go down in a bit.

I suppose I should post this. I know my brother stops in and reads this blog on occasion so “Larry, give me a call or E mail”.

Close for the day with questions about tomorrow

I called Cherie but am too slow to talk right now. Forgetting what I am doing as I do it. It’ll pass. Always does.

It’s nearly 10:00 now. I slowed down quite a bit. Kind of worried about things, afraid my brothers greed will get in his own way. Afraid that our dreams will fade just as we reach out to grasp them. He hasn’t bothered to talk to me about the inheritance or for that matter much of anything else. He did promise to help us fix up the place but that remains to be seen. Larry makes lots of promises but his history doesn’t show him fulfilling many of them. I E mailed him and simply said “Let’s talk”.

In the mean time Wayne called to let me know that Becky at the Ability Center had called him. She wanted to let him know she was calling NPI to stress how important getting him moved was to them. Understand that the Ability Center carries allot of clout in this city. They are a well funded non profit organization that champions the causes of the disabled. They work with all the government agencies, the University of Toledo, and are the darling of the who’s who of Toledo’s philanthropic community. You don’t want to mess with them so I suspect Wayne will find his way to safer quarters. It’s a shame I have to come along and raise the kind of hell I seem to be good at to see right done. Oh well. I will feel good when Wayne gets out of crack town.

Allen called earlier today when I was in the middle of my slow down. He was depressed and just called to talk. He asked me if I could download a song for him. I told him you have to pay for those so he said he would ask another friend. I don’t have anything scheduled for tomorrow so I think I will give him a call. I had to tell him I wasn’t really up for a conversation and I am sure that Allen will take that as a rejection for that is the way of depression.

Cherie made Chili for dinner and we had ice cream for desert. I think we will call it a day.

I’m back. IT was fun. I am tired. Kind a slow. Long day. I think I will go back to thinking what we can do with the house. But I have got to stop a bit because I got an E mail from my brother and have to process things a bit. My brother hasn’t bothered to call, E mail, or talk to me for a while and had just decided how we were going to do things. That is nothing new with Larry. It is his way to try to bulldog something thru “Be cause, by God, it has to be this way because it’s the way I think it should be”. I need to just slow down and think.

Groggy start

If you look into the footprint you can see the wolf. If not click on it to make it larger. Beverly Doolittle is good at doing this.

(The remainder of yesterday)
4:17 – I’ve slowed down a bit. It was good while it lasted. At least I got something wrote and drew a schematic of the farm house. I’m getting bad fast now so I think I will go lay down. I know I fixed a big breakfast but don’t remember if I ate anything else. I running about a 4 on the Bob scale now. Headache is coming. I don’t think it will be fun.

Just got a call from the caseworker Wayne has with the Zeph Center. Earlier Wayne had called to let me know that Juanita from NPI had called. She told him that he needs to get something from a doctor showing medical need to be moved. When I heard this I told Wayne to call the Zeph Center right away, as soon as I hung up, and tell them “you need to set up an appointment” with the psych.
So the phone rang. Answering I hear a lady give her name, something oxborough, I don’t have a clue who she is. She talks and mentions Wayne and I begin putting pieces together. I play along as if I knew what the call was about till it connected. She will have Dr. Haley dictate a letter and Wayne did not even need to come down. Cool. I asked her to mail me a copy as Wayne did not always keep up with his mail. I figure if we both got it one of us would call the other and get something moving. I probably have that case workers name some where around here but who knows. She is good from the respect that she works to put together solutions to problems and feels for what she is doing.

I called Cherie to see about going to the park. I can tell that she is tired and probably more interested in just coming home. She has to pick up a prescription first so I told her we would see how she felt when she got home.


3/28/06 Tuesday
We both woke up groggy. “I wish you would stop beating me up at night” I joked to Cherie as I creaked up out of bed. She said she had a hard time waking up so felt the same. It’s always great to start the day out with another “Sudden” realization that we are getting old.

As you saw with the end of yesterday’s entry I slowed down last night. I am still a little rough this morning. Perhaps that will improve if I get up and get moving. Today is Barb’s birthday and Fred and I are taking her to do her laundry. I should call Wayne to see if he needs to do laundry but am unsure if there will be any room if the car for his laundry. Barb generally fills it up. I best get moving.

The Coke Whore and the Muslim

This is the creed I live by. (click on the picture to make it bigger)
3/27/06 Monday
I’ve been gone for a couple of days. There is much to catch up on but first sets start with this morning. “The Coke Whore and the Muslim”. That’s what I ought to call it!! Be a great book, the saga of two people who live very much on the opposite ends of the moral spectrum. Ahmed, the Lebanese Sunni Moslem, devout in his outward show of his faith, using terms like “Sex is illegal…for me”, prays five times a day, eats only Muslim approved (Kosher) food but really a nice guy.
AAAnd in this corner we haaive – Jackie. Folks my one conversation with her was revealing to say the least. (You ought to go back a few days and see what I wrote about it. the date is 3/23). in just a few short minutes we covered getting Crack Cocaine to her having contracted a venereal disease as she did what she could to get dope. I read her in a minute and just didn’t waste time. As she started her “Pleeeze” I stopped her short. So she is street smart and understands how to rule a man with what’s between her legs, at least the right man. Despite her only being 22 she knows how to fish through hundreds of partners, looking for that one she can latch onto till she sucks him dry. Between that and drugs, the god she bows too, often more than the five times Ahmed prays, she is at the other end.

As I wrote this I said “the hell with it” and called Ahmed. I asked what he had wanted when he called yesterday or the day before. He wanted to buy a chess set so he could play chess with Jackie. Fine. I told him they need to settle down. “Your driving the old man crazy with all the yelling and dancing around” I told him. Ahmed asked if I could come over and tell her. In his broken English he said “I I tell her but she don’t listen. You tell her for me. OK? She don’t listen to me, I can’t tell her what to do”. OKKKK Bob. Get on it.

I walked over and knocked on the door. I heard Ahmed yell “Open the door Jackie” and Jackie’s loud nasal and filled with disdain reply. “What door. Why do you want me to open the door?. Kinda sounded like Fran of the TV show “The Nanny”. She wouldn’t open the door so Ahmed did. Jackie came around the corner and just leaned on the wall, giving me a defiant look. The pose she took was amazing like the depiction of prostitutes in movies and TV. I asked her to quiet it down and watched her fidgeting and looking around with her eyes darting from one spot to another. She’s high. “All you got to do is come over here and tell me” she says with indignation. “I just did” came out of my mouth as I looked through her eyes.

With that Jackie disappeared, scurrying to her hole back in the bedroom with a quit bothering me air. Now I look at Ahmed “Hold right there, I’ve got something for you” I said and came back home. Here I found the verse from the Quran that I had printed up the other day.

Avoid those who regard their religion as a hobby, as an idle pastime, and are seduced by the life of this world. Admonish them, lest their souls be damned by their own sins. They have no guardian or intercessor besides God; and even if they offer compensation to God, it will not be accepted from them. This is the condition of those who have been damned by their own sins. They will drink boiling water, and be sternly punished for their refusal to believe.
-Qur'an, Al-An'am, Suah 6:70

You know, if you want to talk to someone use a language he understands. Religion I understand. The guilt and fear of suffering God’s (Or in this case Allah’s) wrath and disfavor is a powerful motivator. It is to avoid this damnation fanatical Muslims strap explosives around their bodies and kill themselves along with as many others as they can. Coming back across the hall I hand it to Ahmed. He is puzzled and begins to slowly read this English version from the book he “Memorized” as a required part of his childhood education. “Where did you get this?” Ahmed asked. “It’s from the Quran” I told him.

Then I took the conversation straight to what bothers me. “That girl needs help. Are you buying her dope?” I bluntly asked. He said yes “But she needs it. She used to do five bags a day. Now she does two a week”. I don’t have time for that level of stupidity or bullshit so I laid it out. “Ahmed, she’s using you and your not helping her. Besides that I don’t like her living across the hall, especially if your buying dope. You need to either get her in rehab or out of here. If you can’t get her help her get rid of her”. I told Ahmed that he wasn’t doing her any good. Ahmed asked if I knew where she could get some methadone to help her kick. He told me she won’t go into a program. I explained again that she needs to do it this way and it would be a requirement for her to receive the methadone. He didn’t get it.

His next protestation was “But that will put her out on the street”. “That’s her choice Ahmed. She goes where she chooses and reaps what she sows. That is the way of life” I retorted. I can see the anguish in him, his culture perhaps is one that does not allow this type of personal degradation. I don’t know but I believe he is sincere in his compassion. That unfortunately gives Jackie a nerve to tickle that gets her, her way.


I feel bad for Jackie and would love to help her but she is dangerous to me. I will look for programs to get her into but will keep a distance. As in many areas of life the path can get muddy and one must take great care where he plants his feet for who knows what danger lies hidden beneath.

I just got back from taking Fred to the Dollar Tree, Aldi’s, and then Walmart. He got some things for Barb. Fred is doing what he can for her and I get a sense of urgency from him on that. I did ok till we were in Walmart. After a bit I was getting dizzy and feeling generally uncomfortable. Too much stuff for me to handle. Ahmed called me while I was out with Fred and left a message to call him back. He’s back on the road with his truck and probably left Jackie behind. I’m not in a hurry to call him. Kind of tired from running Fred. It’s 1:22 folks. I suppose I could publish this and perhaps draw up some ideas for the house.

My wife's view

I haven't been up to speed for the last two days so here is what my wife wrote about Saturday. Always good to get a second opinion.

Saturday, March 26, 2006 - entry by Cherie. Bob’s wife.
The day started off relaxing with Bob, talking about the farm, and having a light breakfast because Fred was treating us and Barb to lunch at Red Lobster. Bob had to fill up the car and ended up going over to the east side (across the river), where gas is almost always cheaper. When he returned we piled Fred into the car and put his packages for Barb in the trunk - they could’ve been in the back seat, but Fred at 87 years old has been pre-conditioned for years - I guess you could consider it doing things by habit. He’s practically blind, and doesn’t hear well, which makes for loud conversations.

He worked hard at making small talk on the way over, which wasn’t too bad - Fred does try in social situations to be just that - sociable. He had been adamant that this outing to Red Lobster be a surprise for Barb - her birthday is this week and Fred usually takes her out for her birthday. It was also a trip to the cell phone store or something like that because Barbs phone had stopped working despite a new charger, new battery and who knows what else. She had a slight heart attack a few days ago and had spent the previous day at St. Ann’s Hospital getting tests and x-rays. The phone is her lifeline to Fred and he panics when he can’t get in contact with her.

We got to Barbs, and honked the horn to get her out and moving. She came out the door all the while talking to Basil, who is back living with her (I met him once-blouucghk). She hides him from Fred who doesn’t believe Bob who told him that he came back. Barb has a lifestyle that does not dictate that she always look acceptable when parading around in the general public. Today was one of those days. She came out to the car, jacket open in the wind, which revealed a clean pair of jeans and a snug thermal shirt and I could immediately tell she did not have on a necessary undergarment - namely, a bra. I couldn't warn her about what would transpire because the lunch was to be a surprise. I felt already embarrassed for her.

We started out and the conversation became both lively and confusing. Barb wanted to go a certain phone place and Fred wanted to go to the Pager place. Bob didn’t remember where either place was although he’d been to both places with the two of them. I started to zombie out - it was the safest thing to do because I had no idea where we were going. When we finally got there, I discovered a Goodwill store next to the Pager place (Fred won), so I opted to go over there while the rest of the team went to teach the employees at the Pager place what customer service is all about. I looked around for a few minutes and not seeing anything that grabbed my attention, I decided to join the others and attempt being a team player.

Turns out Barb’s phone was dead and Fred was sure it was because she dropped it. They were wrapping up the sale for a new one and Fred was paying for it and complaining about the fees, charges and taxes that automatically come with a new phone and calling contract. Fred is a bit of a tight-wad and complains about everything costing money - if they ever taxed people for farting in public, Fred would be in serious trouble. And broke. There is continuous discussion about the cost of the phone as we leave the store and pile back in the car.

Now we are headed down Monroe St. in search of the Red Lobster. Bob didn’t know where it was and to try and throw Barb off track, which is pretty easy, Bob said something about going to Rally's for burgers. She picked up on that quick and pulled some Rally’s coupons out of her purse and gave them to Fred, who was confused about the Rally’s thing, but didn’t want to let on about the Red Lobster. Fred kept telling Bob it was on the left side (across 5 lanes of traffic), and I actually saw the sign and kept saying “Honey, it’s on the right - do you see the sign we’re almost there.” Barb was watching all her favorite cheap places pass by - “There goes Rally’s, there goes Coney Island Hotdogs, there goes.....”. Bob finally saw the sign just in time to turn in and Barb was pleasantly surprised and a little dismayed. She looked at me and said" If I had known I would have dressed better.” So much for surprises. I again felt bad for her - as if I had let someone down in the great sisterhood of life.

We went in and were given a small booth, but opted for a larger table to make it easier for Fred. It was also better, because Fred couldn’t see the menu and had both Bob and Barb telling him what was on it, which was loud because Fred can’t hear. We finally decided on our orders and I have to give our waitress a lot of credit - she was very patient and tried hard to make sure we were taken care of correctly, getting extra rolls, salad dressing, etc. Barb was very happy with it, which made an awkward situation enjoyable. She insists on referring to Fred as “Freddie”, which for some reason drives me nuts.

We are all very careful about what we order because we know that although Fred really does want to treat us to a nice lunch, he is also a very real tight-wad. This is especially evident when the check comes and it’s for almost $40.00, which for 4 adult people is not too bad. Fred gets out exact change for the meal and Bob mentions adding a tip and Fred starts digging around with his change. Bob tells him it should be about $5.00 and Fred gets all big-eyed like it was the worst news he’d heard that day. Bob quickly assures him that he’ll take care of the tip but Fred is already complaining about it until Barb gets through to him and he relaxes, knowing he’s not out an extra five bucks.

We take Barb home and the discussion resumes about the charger for the old phone that Fred had bought for her. She had given it back to him and wanted to go to the Phone store at Spring Meadows Plaza, which is on the way home. Fred didn’t remember which part of the Plaza it was in, Bob couldn’t remember, and once again, I was clueless. After driving through the whole place, we found it. Fred got the receipt out of his pocket and Bob offered to try and return it for him. Fred and I stayed in the car and he told me that it was “hell getting old”. We talked about it for a couple minutes - don’t remember what I said. I tried to cheer him up by reminding him about the great lunch we had and how happy it made Barb. When we finally get home and after thanking Fred for about the 5th or 6th time, I realize that I’m tired. It took a whole three hours out of my day, but I feel wiped out, and Bob just smiled and said ”Welcome to my world.” I honestly don’t know how he does it sometimes.

It's a hairball morning

3/24/06 Friday
Good morning. Been up since 4:30 when I was awakened by Carman kitty hacking on the end of the bed. I woke cognizant and was instantly aware he was working up a hairball so sent him flying off the bed. Cherie heard this so got up to use the restroom and stepped right on it. She mumbled and went back to bed but I just lay there awake. At 5:15 I got up and fixed a pot of coffee. This is one of those “I’m really sharp” mornings and I would put it at a 9 on the Bob scale. It’s prime time folks so I will use this period of above average cognizance as effectively as I can.

Part of that entails writing to get things done. First on that list will be getting Wayne better housing. As I lay in bed wide awake this morning I contemplated that issue. NPI Properties is typical of most institutions of the government tit. They are ponderous and slow to move, generally doing only the bare minimum they can get away with to still get their check. LMHA (Lucas Housing Metropolitan Authority) issues that check and is no model of excellence either. So how do I light a fire under their ass? By writing and getting other organizations involved. The Ability Center will be a key player in that as they are a well funded non profit organization that champions the needs of those with disabilities. The other major influence will be Congress woman Marcy Kaptur. This woman is the politician I am the most impressed with. She gets involved and gets things done, really caring for the needs of her constituents. I will use the pen to bring attention, to shine a light on if you will, to the deplorable conditions Wayne is subjected to.

I had been scheduled to take Fred and Barb back to the cell phone company because she claimed that her battery he just bought didn’t work. I may be way off base on this but here is what I surmise may be going on. Barb had asked for the old bad battery back because we had been told there was a recall on it. I know that Barb gets upset with Fred’s constant calling and I can’t blame her on that but I think there may be more to the story. She may just not be answering the phone, which she has done in the past and then claiming the new battery is faulty. Barb has done things like ordering a newspaper to get her payee to issue a check and then canceling to get cash back.

As a consequence of her pattern of deception in addition to Basil’s using ass being back in the picture I accept nothing at face value with her. She had today scheduled to take her phone back in for the battery but then canceled. It’s Friday. She gets a check and Basil gets paid so this would be party time. She told Fred she would be at the hospital “All day long” getting X-rays and tests. That seems a bit suspicious to have it just come up out of the blue suddenly with no warning and all day long? I don’t think so but I may be wrong. She rescheduled Fred for Monday on the phone battery so I will make sure she brings both batteries in case she is pulling a switch. I hope I’m wrong but time will tell. Fact is Fred is easily manipulated by Barb and she does that on a regular basis.

Allen called back yesterday, a day after he said he was going to. He said he didn’t call back before because he wasn’t feeling good. “I’ve been sick for two days” was his excuse. “I know Allen. You’ll keep getting sick until you get the medical help you need” I told him in a veiled reference to his abuse of pain killers. I said that I would drop by and fill out his Social Security paperwork with him today. First I will pick up Wayne and take him to the Ability Center with the letter I am fixin to write. I have a day planned and hope to stay sharp to get it all done. Now that I’m thinking about it I will go take my seizure pill right now before I forget. Don’t want any slow downs. Of course I never do. It’s 7:00 and I am doing well so I will publish this and keep the momentum going.

Danced with the devil

I put all the MS people I have E mail addresses for in the Yahoo address book. In the middle of doing that I had a slow down, running about a 5 now. Typing slowed way down and I had to double check everything. I am fixing to go over to Wayne’s now. Perhaps I should wait a little. Yeah I’ll wait. Haven’t showered or eaten yet and it’s 11:30. Headache is rising up to. This sucks as always.

Cherie came home for lunch. I shared some of the pancakes I had made for my morning/afternoon meal. I called Wayne and told him I probably won’t make it out to visit him as I am going to lay down and take a nap. He was just laying down also. The headache is increasing. Hope it doesn’t make it to migraine level.


It didn’t go migraine, just been sitting here. Virginia called me from Texas and would like an inventory of what is at the farm. There really isn’t much. Larry said that Lee’s TV is in the garage. I’ll go through the pictures and see what I can find underneath the piles of crap.



Lets see. There are three refrigerators one of which works for sure. If the one in the kitchen works that’s to bad cause it’s full of mold and whatever else grew in it. I made a list.



Then as I worked on it I hear some one lightly tapping on the door, knock knock. I was sitting here in my sweats with out the top, writing they list and looking out the window because I know Cherie will be home any second. I knew who would be at the door and had been expecting this. Sure enough it was Jackie from next door. She said hi and extended her hand “I’m Jackie”. I told her my name and she said she wanted to talk to me. “Can I come in?” she asked. No way am I letting her in so she said I could come across the hall. That was better than her coming in, especially with the cigarette she was waving around.

Going into Ahmed’s apartment I kept my hand on the door knob, not closing it all the way. Jackie looked at me as she shuffled back and forth agitatedly and bluntly asked “Do you know where I can get some crack?”. I said “Yeah”. Jackie looked ecstatically happy for about a second but that soon changed as I continued my sentence. “I know where you can get anything but I’m not going to help you”. Now she went into pleading mode but I laid it out, not mincing my words at all. I told her who she was to her surprise “Jackie, your fiending. I know because I’ve been there. I’ve known hundreds of Jackie’s in my life. You’d sell yourself for a hit. In fact you already have. I’m not going to help you put a gun to your head and pull the trigger”. Jackie was bouncing off the walls and I am sure had just smoked the last of her crack maybe an hour ago. She was paranoid, putting her finger to her lips in the “Shh” motion to get me to quiet down.

I wasn’t worried about being quiet because I had something to say. Jackie made her disdain for Ahmed known right away saying the apartment smelled “so Muslim”. I looked at her and said “Ahmed is so easy, you got him wrapped, all you have to do is cry and he’ll come running”. Jackie just beamed like I had paid her a compliment, not at all realizing I was just ferreting out her true nature. Now I’m back to blunt. “Jackie, you know this stuff is killing you. Look at you. Your smart, you can do anything you want. This crap is keeping you in the dirt. Do you want to be a whore? Do you want to stay down here?”. She agreed and told me she had already caught an STD.

Now she was uncomfortable but was still playing to get drugs. We heard the door into the building open and she again did her paranoid “be quiet” finger to the mouth thing. I knew it was Cherie so just opened the door wide telling Jackie “It’s my wife”. Nothing like a little panic. Jackie was really bouncing now. Cherie saw me at Ahmed’s door she got a real concerned look on her face. I told her to come over and meet Jackie. She came up and I said “Jackie, this is my wife Cherie. Cherie, this is Jackie”. Jackie was doing a real nervous laugh and I continued talking to her about getting free from the drugs. It didn’t do any good because as soon as Cherie and I went across the hall to our place we saw Jackie heading out, probably to the bar next door where I am sure she will look for a gullible guy to get her crack. I’m not real happy.


When Ahmed comes back we’re going to have a little talk. I already know how I will start the conversation “Ahmed, are you naïve or just stupid”. I had already told him last week that she needed to go to drug rehab. Then I’m going to ask his devout Muslim pray to Allah five times a day sex is illegal self who does he think he’s fooling bringing a twenty two year old junky crack head up to his apartment. And then say he’s not messing around with her? Come on!!

Well that’s the fun I had today. How’d Y’all do? I can’t wait to go to Texas.

Not a bad start

3/23/06 Thursday
We’re both tired this morning. I have a slight headache but not to bad. There is nothing on my schedule to do except E mail Bill, the guy from the MS Lunch bunch. Right now I’m running a six on the Bob Scale. I will try to call Eileen though she seldom answers her phone and never returns a message. If Allen can wake up and hold a conversation I will go over to get his paperwork for Social Security filled out.

There was a beautiful sunrise this morning which I was able to take a picture of through the window. We both wondered if it would work through the glass. Looks fine, don’t it? I think I will call the lawyer in Texas to see what’s going on with the inheritance. Both of us are anxious to get the process for moving to Texas started. That’s something I need to do! I need to write the Texas Congressman about state and federal programs for energy and water conservation. I set up the online account with Direct Buy so we can start shopping for what we will need. I was disappointed with the window selection but will explore that further.

I called Dave Miller, my friend who let me live in his house when I was homeless. He seems to be doing well. Dave told me that he would be going full time with the Temp agency he works through. I know that sounds like a contradiction, you know, full time with temporary, but that’s Cherie’s job. She works at Owens Illinois through Advance Temp agency and it’s a full time job. She just doesn’t get the benefits she would if she was a regular OI employee. Anyway, Dave has a reliable car finally. That is good because I had worked hard on his previous two vehicles, which were ragged to say the least and the last one caught on fire. Dave was surprised to hear we will be moving to Texas. I thought I had let him know but it’s no surprise I didn’t.

I also called my youngest son Adam when I saw he was online through the instant messenger symbol on Yahoo. Barb answered the phone so I asked for Adam. I really didn’t have an interest in talking to Barb (That’s my second wife, not the Barb with brain damage I help) because the few times I tried her bitterness came up and we couldn’t be civil. When I first got back I had wanted to talk with her to try and restore lost memories. I suppose some of those memories are better off staying lost. Besides many have returned. I just can’t trust their accuracy because they’re just bits and pieces and filling in the blanks can always be a hit or miss thing. I’m sure some of what will be in the book will vary a little from what really happened. But I think that is true with everyone even though they don’t have brain damage and memory loss. We all see things a bit slanted in our favor. I know I had been telling folks things about my relationship with Barb that was pretty one sided. Yeah she fooled around but so did I. I was probably a bigger whore than she was. I want to be honest and that means facing up to your own faults.

Nuff said on that. I called Adam. Barb went and got him. He was not too happy to talk with me. I think, or hope, that part of that is because he was up all night and was real tired. He said he had got some E mails from me but none of the phone messages. I said I would like to meet him and take him out to dinner and asked him to just say when and I’ll be there. He wouldn’t. After a few minutes of very strained conversation I told him I would let him go to bed. When I said “I love you” there was a hesitation and he mumbled I love you back so quiet I could barely hear. I don’t know if that is because he didn’t want his mom to hear or what. I had asked him earlier if I had done something to piss him off but got little response. I love the kid and raised him since he was four so it hurts. This is part of the price I pay for how I acted at the end of my marriage to Barb. That was a bad year and a half with lots of bitterness in addition to my slide into madness.

There is nothing scheduled on my calendar so I must plan out a day in order to accomplish anything. Otherwise I will just wander from one thing to another changing tasks with every distraction. I will go see Wayne and get his mail for him because he is afraid to after what happened to Sharon. I should call her up to and see how things are going.

I got a hold of Sharon. She moved back into her apartment at S. Cove and had a friend of her son stay with her for protection. She told me the name of the apartments she looked at were called Terrence Downs or something like that. The call was ten minutes ago and I already have a hard time remembering the name. She sounded allot better than yesterday.





Part of that is because she is back in her apartment and like me it helps to be in familiar surroundings. This is common among those of us with brain injuries. It takes me two weeks or so to adjust. Even when I moved in with Cherie it was hard for a bit. Even though Sharon has allot of fear about being in that apartment it is familiar and that gives a sense of security. You can see the quality job NPI did installing her air conditioner. It might not be nice but it's "home"


After talking to her I placed a call to the leasing agent with NPI properties to see about getting Wayne out of where he is at. I also called Juanita, who is Barb’s case worker. Got to get these things moving.

So it is only 9:40 and I am getting stuff done. That is a good start for me. The headache is just a dull throb at the temples so is nothing. I’ll hit the shower and fix breakfast. Better get as much done as I can while lucid because I never know how long it will last. I have moved up to an 8 on the Bob scale so that is excellent.

Another end, another day

I am running down. Not good timing. Headache coming on and typing speed slowing down. Damn, I want to be sharp for this MS dinner. Maybe I will be OK.

I sharpened up. It is 9:33 and we just got home from the MS dinner at the Old Navy Bistro. I had forgotten how good of a restaurant Tom Cousino runs. I chose the New York Strip steak and it was tender enough to cut with the regular table knife. But that’s not why we were there. We got a full multimedia education on what MS is, what kinds there are, and what research is going on and coming. There were two main speakers, both doctors and experts on MS. There were books and literature available for no charge. We picked up plenty of stuff and the two books will take some reading. Of course reading books is a chore for me cause I forget what I read the day before.

We sat at a table with Jay and Sherie (Forgive me guys if I got the names wrong) who are with the Lunch Brunch MS group I take Wayne to. Jay said “I heard you were going to move away” to me. I am astounded at how this gets around. I’m just not used to people caring. It’s touching. When we went up to raid the orderve (Can’t figure out how to spell it) table I saw a redhead woman approaching with a “I know you look” on her face. That sent my mind racing to figure out if I knew her and it latched on to the fact that Bob Thomas has MS. With that I realized it was his wife Kiki. Cool. Cherie was with me and also recognized her so we gave her a hug and talked while others pushed by us to get to the snacks. Bob was there also so we all greeted each other.

I also, by some miracle, recognized Bill, the biker. The fact that he was wearing a Harley T shirt helped. He told me that he never got the E mail I said I was going to send him. Oops. I forgot and still don’t remember that I was going to send him an E mail. In fact I still can’t remember why I was going to or what I was supposed to tell or ask him. Regardless I went and got my planner right away to mark it down to do tomorrow, explaining that if it’s not written down it doesn’t happen.

That reminds me. I told Kiki that I would send her Bruce’s E mail address and some pictures so I better do that now before the thought vacates this brain, never to be seen again.

That’s done. As we sat at the table listening to folks tell of their MS I am again struck at the similarities with my TBI. Mine doesn’t get worse, at least not now, but the sudden unpredictable weakness and confusion along with the short term memory are the same. Bob and Kiki are getting out of Toledo as soon as the can. We are all jumping this sinking ship. They are going to LA where Bob will be involved in comedy or some kind of entertainment industry. I’m a bit fuzzy on that. I know he has done stand up comedy at a local comedy club. He told me all about some of it but it’s evaporated from this brain now. Kiki evidently read the blog or something cause she knows we are planning on making the farm a self sustaining endeavor. Who knows. I told them they would be welcome to visit anytime they want. Then I got to thinking so leaned over to Cherie and said “Lets make sure we have a guest bedroom at the farm”.


Anyway folks, its been a long day so we’ll call it quits now. See ya tomorrow on this blog.

Not doing bad, just a little tired

This is a puppy that Bruces unit in Iraq has adopted.

I posted Bruce’s picture. Hadn’t looked at the last two batches because I downloaded them and then went off and forgot. At least I rediscovered them. Short term memory loss means I sometimes lose good experiences like his pictures.



As long as there is a lack of the inner discipline that brings calmness of mind, no matter what external facilities or conditions you have, they will never give you the feeling of joy and happiness that you are seeking. On the other hand, if you possess this inner quality of calmness of mind, a degree of stability within, then even if you lack various external facilities that you would normally consider necessary for happiness, it is still possible to live a happy and joyful life.
-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I took Fred to the Dollar General and the Pharm. Much of what he got was for Barb. Conversation got interesting when Fred told me that Basil was still in jail. When I told him “No Fred. He’s not in jail. I saw him at Barb’s when his boss came to pick him up” Fred’s comment was that he didn’t know because he didn’t see him. Barb had convinced him that I didn’t see Basil cause he was still in jail. Fred always falls for her crap and in the past claimed she wouldn’t lie to him. When he started questioning my statement I got blunt “Don’t you dare call me a liar Fred. I know what I saw. Barb’s played you before and she’s doing it again”. That set him back a little but he needs a wake up call.

Allen called me back and wasn’t with it at all. I asked him how he was doing and he said not very good. Conversation with him was hard as I would ask a question and there would be a long silence. I would wait for an answer and finally speak up. After going through this a couple of times I told him “Allen, why don’t you call me back when you’re a little more with it”. He said OK and that was it. Allen complained that I had called at “7:00 or so” and said to never call him that early again. I called at 9:45. Nothing’s changed, he’s still taking the pills and suffering the consequences. I’m doing what I can.


While we’re on the subject of drug addicts, Ahmed brought Jackie back from Chicago. I knew he would but am not happy. I told him before she needs to be in a drug rehab and sticking her in his apartment alone while he is gone for a week is not going to work. I am not too keen on having a mainlining junky crackhead across the hall. I would love to get her help but that’s dancing a bit close to danger for me. Cherie feels the same. We now make sure the door is locked, even when we are just doing the laundry downstairs.

I just called Wayne to see how he is doing. He had just laid down, which seems to be the time I generally call him. He said he is afraid to go get his mail after what happened to Sharon and then hearing the guy upstairs say he would take care of Wayne like he took care of Sharon. My calendar said the lunch bunch meeting is tomorrow but Wayne wasn’t sure if that was right. I called Cindy to check and Wayne was right. They had moved it to the second Thursday of the month so I need to change my calendar. Cindy and I talked for a while about Wayne and also about our moving to Texas.

I think I will post this entry and maybe relax or something before the MS dinner. Want to be sharp for it. I’m feeling tired and usually need to take a nap in the middle of the day. Cindy said she does also as well as most who have MS. It is so strange, the parallels between MS and TBI.

Let's see how it goes

3/22/06 Wednesday
Well, lets see how it goes today. Right now I am doing well and running about a 7 on the Bob scale. That’s about average for me, what seems to be my normal level. I function well here and can usually finish most of the tasks I start. This morning I plan on washing the bathroom floor. Cherie had asked me to do it a day or three ago. Not sure when but that’s OK. I showered and shaved. From the looks of the beard I hadn’t shaved for a few days.

After I get the bathroom cleaned I think I will vacuum this place. I called Fred to see how he’s doing. His machine picked it up so I left a message. I think he is upset that I am cutting Barb off. I will take her to the grocery store but will no longer take her for the free food. Far as I’m concerned the Leach needs to be giving her money for food. He lives there and eats her food. I don’t think he contributes to the rent. Barb told me before she caught him smoking crack and she let it slip that she has also. I know from experience that the desire for crack never really goes away and they are surrounded with it. The Leach (Basil, I got no problem publishing his name cause I will only change names to protect the innocent. That ain’t him) makes good money as a brick layer but is always broke.

Best get to doing stuff before I go off on a tangent and forget what I have planned to do. I did leave a message on Allen’s phone because I got some paperwork I need to fill out for him with Social Security. This evening we go to the MS dinner with the speakers on the research in that area. I think I will fix breakfast first. I actually feel the sensation of hunger this morning, a rare thing but perhaps a good sign that I will be sharp today. Who knows. Ta Da, dant de da…We’re Off.

I am having chest pains, which is unusual, so will take some aspirin. Fred just called and would like to go to the Pharm and the dollar store to pick up some garbage bags which I am sure are for Barb. That’s fine, I’m glad to take Fred anywhere he wants to go.

Here's another picture of my son in Iraq. He sends some regularly and they are greatly appreciated. I don't know how he turned out so good considering he had me as a father. I suppose I did some good there.

Lost most of a day

Carman kitty just jumped in my lap and comforted me with his need for affection. Purring and climbing on my chest to rub his head under my chin, then stroking my face with his cheek as he enjoyed my pets. It is when you give love that you feel best, at least for me. This is why animals are used in hospitals and even prisons to help bring that comfort and alleviate fears and pain. There is a connection we have with all life.

I need to lie down now. Getting dizzy. That coupled with the headache and being slow does not bode well.

I was right. Lost a day to the slow down. It’s 4:00 now and I just got out of bed. Called Cherie and could hear in my voice how slow I am. At least the migraine is better. Cherie said she thought it was because I had two early days in a row and yesterday was a hard one. That bothers me. I used to run two companies and work an eighty hour week. I don’t want to be this delicate. I want to get up and run damn it, get things done. I don’t like having the illusion that I am getting back to something resembling my former self broken.

I repoured the dishwater that had long since grown cold since I poured it this morning and washed the dishes. I ran a search on the bedroom computer and came up with over three hundred cookie recipe’s. I am determined to do something. Don’t care how slow I am. Will pare that down. Cherie said she will make crab cakes when she gets home. I hate this fog.

Cherie’s home. I am performing Bob cooking. It is always interesting when I am slow and try to cook. I found a cookie recipe that looked interesting so began on it. The Betty Crocker software puts the recipe up but sometimes it won’t all fit on the screen. I was running back and forth from the bedroom where the computer is to the kitchen. Most of the way through I noticed that the recipe required some kind of vanilla of peppermint candy. Too late now.

It’s 7:45 and I am still not doing well. The cognizance level has increased but I am unstable on my feet, kinda like I’ve been drinking or something. Running about a 6 on the Bob scale.

We went to the Direct Buy orientation at 6:30. Sharon called just as we went in. Sharon found a better place run by NPI properties that she said was up near us. Unfortunately LMHA hasn’t done the inspection required and may not get to it for a month. This would mean she will have to go back to her other place, where she got beat up, and stay for that time. She has tried to get things speeded up at LMHA with no luck so I offered to help. She is a bit unsure about everything, which is a good indication of her current emotional state. Her voice was slurred, probably from the damage done when she was beat. Her eye socket was broken and she requires plastic surgery. I told her I could light a fire under LMHA’s ass and that would require her signing a document giving me permission to represent her. Here I am, barely able to take care of myself, much less Wayne and wanting to take on more. I can’t help it. I see those who are helpless and beat down in life and have to reach out a hand. I wish I had more strength and mental presence to do these things. As it is I only do a half ass job for the ones I have taken on. I suppose something is better than nothing.

You can tell it was a hard day by how brief my entry is. It is frustrating for me to lose these days like this. I’ll call it a day now.

Early and slow start

The "Walking Tree" It wants to free itself of that which ties it down and move to better pastures.

3/21/06 Tuesday
This ought to be a fun morning. I will be taking Barb to pick up her cat at 7:30 this morning. Fred said he wants to ride along. This is in response to me telling him that Basil is back. I will let Barb know that I will no longer be her chauffer except for necessary things like food. Her case worker can do the job she’s supposed to. I’m not going to let her lie to me.

Cherie looked at the blog and saw that I had published the same entry three times on it. This shows just how this Barb thing upset me and with stress the brain does not work very well. I don’t like these reminders of my disability. I also lost the rest of the day. The last entry was “I am at the Zeph Center with Wayne”. I know we had a good talk with Jennifer regarding issues like safe housing and motivating Family Services to do their job. I know I was very impatient and would get angry easily. There’s not much else there.

I just got back from taking Fred to Barb’s and then picking up her cat. I told Fred I was not going to be doing anymore for Barb than I had to. Didn’t say a word to her cause I had nothing to say. She talked Fred’s ear off. He bought her McDonald’s after we got the cat. Now I am home and not doing too well. Running about a 4 on the Bob scale. Got a slight headache. There are things I need to do like fill out paperwork for Allen’s Social Security disability claim. I don’t think I am up to it at the moment. Got some gentle music going. I don’t want to lay down, I don’t want to stay up, all I know is I want to be in Texas working on the farm and away from the darkness of Toledo. There I hope to find the peace that helps me function better.

Fred asked me what I had planned for today. In my typical confusion I told him we were going to the MS dinner at the Old Navy Bistro. Looking at my calendar I see that is tomorrow. Tonight we go to the orientation for Direct Buy.

The headache is climbing higher. Time for meds.

The rest of the day

I just got back from taking Fred to get his haircut. After he wanted to go to the dollar store and get some SOS pads. Once there he wanted to look at Easter cards. He would start to pull one out and I would tell him “That’s for daughters, No that one is for your grandmother. Here are the general ones Fred”. Then I would read the captions out to him to help him figure out what the wanted. “Easter is a beautiful day for a beautiful person, Happy Easter” I would read in a voice loud enough for him to hear. Who knows what someone going by thought. It took a while but he finally picked out three though I had to put back envelopes as he would grab four and think he only had one.

With that done he asked me to take out to Angola Rd to see what a restaurant he saw advertised looked like. He had seen an ad in the Sunday paper telling of a breakfast for $2.99. He had me go in to see if they took credit cards. They did so I went back out and told him. “Do you want something to eat Bob?” Fred asked. I wasn’t really hungry so looked at him and said, “That’s up to you Fred, I won’t argue with you”. We went in.

The menu was four pages of information. Fred peered at it and then would turn the page and peer some more. I offered to read it out to him but he kept peering. Finally I started reading it out but he got tired and said he would have the meatloaf special that was on the board as we came in.

It took quite a while for the food to come. Fred was about ready to leave when it finally got to us. I had ordered a Reuben and was not impressed. The meat loaf Fred got was just great to him. He had two big pieces but couldn’t eat them both so gave me one. I wasn’t impressed. I was glad when we got done. Fred wasn’t doing to well, coughing and having a hard time breathing. It was time for him to go.

On the way home Fred said he wanted to transfer some stocks to his niece. Then he wanted to give her one of his grave sites but the grave yard said he couldn’t do that. “I’m going to go out there and give them a piece of my mind. I can do what I want with that. I own it by God. I have a deed” Fred went on. It is evident he is realizing he was at the end of his years, or at least close. I commended him on taking care of this stuff now because it can get nuts with probate and stuff. I was surprised to learn Ohio doesn’t have inheritance tax. I got Fred home and made sure he made it to his apartment. Now I have about a half hour before I go get Wayne and take him to the Zeph Center. Better call him now and make sure he is up.

I’m at the Zeph Center now with Wayne.

This is a comment I posted on John Scalzie’s Blog “Whatever”
Grown ups think ten, twenty years ahead. They consider the long term consequences of their actions. Children generally worry about right now. “I want that piece of candy now”. Politicians are the same way. What will make the voters happy now so I can get elected and I will sell them out in the future for what I can get now.
Regarding the Social Security jungle I have personal experience. I have been fighting them for 3 years on behalf of a veteran I met at a homeless shelter. He has Primary Progressive MS, the worst kind, and despite years as a pipe fitter, welder, and truck driver he was homeless because of the effects of his disease. Now he has to fight for the money he paid in the system and Social Security is resisting him all the way. It is a nightmare full of corruption as doctors paid by the government failed to even mail in their diagnosis of this man, resulting in another denial.
Now regarding who pays taxes. Read John’s Essay “Being Poor”. (I’m sure he will provide a link as I’m not literate enough to) Those who have much and will be hurt the least pay the smallest proportion while those who struggle to pay the rent, buy food, and just survive pay the largest. The poor don’t want to be poor but poverty breeds poverty. There are some long term answers but few have what it takes to implement them. This is the world I work with and have gained an understanding of.
Again it takes long term thinking to break the cycle that traps generations in poverty though there are the impressive few who struggle out of the mire and rise above their adversity.

An unsurprising disappointment

Damn, the leach is back. When I went to pick up Barb she hurried out to the car and said to just give her the cat carrier and she would go get her cat. I knew she was hiding something so carried the cat carrier to her door. She was telling me how the cat had been wanting to go out all night. I suggested we take the carrier inside to put the cat in thus reducing the possibility of him escaping. No, she cracked the door open and grabbed the cat as he tried to make a break for it. “Basil back?” I asked her. “No” she replied and then tried to make a joke of it. “Heh heh” she kinda laughed “You asked if Basil was back”. I already knew the answer.

We took the cat in for it’s surgery and I helped Barb fill out the paperwork. Planned Pethood is paying for this procedure and Barb had six dollars to get it a rabies shot. With it all done I took her back to get the cans she wanted to turn in. She had a hard time putting them all in the trunk so wanted to put a bag of them in the back seat. “Freddy said it was alright if the bag was clean” she said as she opened the back door. I told her no but she didn’t like it and repeated that Fred had OK’ed it. “I don’t care Barb. I had to clean it up before in the Lincoln and your not putting those nasty beer cans in the back seat” I let her know in no uncertain terms.

She went back to the trunk and worked to pack everything in. While she was doing that Basil’s boss drove up to pick him up for work. So much for “He’s not here”. She had been giving me a long story about how his boss was putting Basil up in a hotel and he had to go to AA for six months all the way to the vet and back. The one thing I told her to never do was lie to me. Now I’m pissed. It was no surprise to find Basil there. I had predicted it would happen. That’s her business but don’t lie to me about it. I didn’t have a word to say to her the rest of the trip to and from the scrap metal place. She kept rattling on about anything that didn’t matter but I don’t really care. That’s the way it always is when you help people, especially those with drug and alcohol backgrounds. There will always be those disappointments and let downs. If one out of ten do well in the long term that’s good.

I came back and told Fred. It took him a bit to understand. He said Barb had called him and said we had argued about a box that was in the trunk. Then he asked why I had gone to a different scrap metal place. “Fred, I didn’t want to get another flat tire” I said. Fred went “I don’t care about getting a flat” with a little indignation in his voice. “Fred, I take care of your property, besides that I don’t want to get a flat as I go down the road” I explained. That mollified him somewhat. I told Fred that I didn’t like being lied to and would only take care of Barb’s necessities from this point on. He didn’t like it but that’s the way it is. He asked if I had time to take him to get a haircut when I told him Wayne’s morning appointment had canceled. “Sure Fred, no problem. I have to get Wayne to the Zeph Center at 2:00 so we’ll have lots of time to go to some stores and stuff if your up to it” I replied.

That’s it so far. I have a headache coming so hopefully it won’t be a migraine. I think I will just relax. I called the MS Society and learned what the dinner on Wednesday is about. It will be at the Old Navy Bistro, a nice restaurant I used to frequent on the East Side. The program is called from Research to Reality. There will be three speakers who are professors and medical professionals who will discuss the latest findings regarding Multiple Sclerosis. This will help us help Wayne and perhaps there will be others in Texas.

Now I will take the migraine pill regimen and try to unwind from the Barb disappointment.

Somehow

3/20/06 Monday
Good morning world. We’re both up. Cherie woke up screaming in pain at 4:50 this morning. She had one of those rude and painful Charlie horse cramps so I massaged her leg to help relieve it. I suspect this is partly a side affect of the walk we went on yesterday. We have both pretty much forgotten about going to the Y and working out so are not in shape. Not that we would have been. It would take about a year of working out for us to claim to be in shape.

I have to get up early anyway because I will be taking Barb’s cat to a vet or someplace that offers free ball snips. This will help reduce the number of kittens these cats produce. Of course it’s the female that needs to be fixed. The cats spend more time outside than in. That will be my good deed for the day, getting a cats balls chopped off. I can be proud.

Well…I read the last paragraph. Left it there to illustrate one of the strange problems with this brain injury. I was trying to be funny and didn’t come close, at least I don’t think I did. I have a hard time with jokes. I often wait to see if others laugh because I miss it. It’s one of the social skills I lost that sometimes causes problems with others. I am often a funny guy and am good at making Cherie and others laugh so I have learned fairly well but I miss the mark on occasion. I read this to Cherie and her reaction was “Oh God”. That’s one of the reasons I often have her read this before I publish it.

Now back to short term memory problems. In my calendar it says MS Dinner 6:00. for Wednesday the 22. I dimly remember asking Cherie if she would like to go, maybe. I don’t have a clue what this is or where it is, just when it is. Cherie doesn’t know either. I looked and looked through the pile of stuff on the table and other than finding many things I need to do and forgot about there seems to be nothing about a dinner. I looked on the MS website and found nothing there. I guess I will have to call the MS Society and ask them. All I know is that there is something going on someplace at sometime to do something somewhere and somehow I don’t have a clue. Some mystery Huh? Welcome to Bob life. This is a daily event. That is why I must write everything down. I put it in the calendar but didn’t put the details.

A pleasant end to another day

Went to church. Will have to think a while before I write on it. I removed Ron and Paula’s pictures at Fran’s request because it might put their lives in danger. The Muslims have already tried to kill Ron according to Fran but failed when Ron jumped out of the outhouse he was in. But they did kill the Bedouin whom Ron was buying camels from. I know Ran had bought camels for the underground Christian church in Egypt or at least in that part of the world before. Kind of the Arab version of a church bus. Serious folks. This is real stuff. People are dying because of being Christian in a Muslim world. It’s the wild west in an evil way in the Mid East. You don’t like someone you just go out and kill them and their family. There’s not much that resembles the law out there.

I have my doubts about God and the church of today but there is no denying the seriousness of things in the Mid East. Here people are willing to both kill and die for what they believe. I tell you what, lets make this real. Think of your next door neighbor. Imagine he converted to a religious belief but the guy down the road didn’t like that so he comes up and knocks on your neighbors door. When it is answered the guy jumps in and cuts his throat right there. With that done he walks home. That’s it. There is no police, there is no penalty, in fact the guy is heralded as a hero for doing such a thing. Now… What Do You Believe??? In this part of the world that is a serious question that has life or death consequences. It’s not some idle “What church do you want to go to today?” thing. Go ahead and sit back in your pampered spoiled little world and don’t worry about a thing cause you don’t know how good you got it.

OK the tirades done and I’ve had time to process things. I have been asked to be nice about certain things and will respect the wishes of my old friend. The trip to New Life Assembly was interesting. It helped unlock some of the memories that have been inaccessible due to my traumatic brain injury. Fran ran through the history of the church, which I played a part in. Fran and Marsha I think may be the only original members still attending. I might be wrong but I often get facts mixed up. Those who know me understand that is part of the disability.

As Fran talked he had a hard time holding in his emotions. After twenty three years of up and down struggle the church was finally recognized or chartered or something (Forgive me guys, that’s the brain thing again) by the home denomination. That’s a long time to fight for survival. I suppose that for Fran it was like tending a sick child for twenty three years and have it finally wake up and be well enough to talk.

The people there are all nice. There was a potluck or whatever it’s called after the service. Cherie and I didn’t want to eat a whole lot so we just picked a little of this and a little of that. The main dining area had filled up so we went to a table by the kitchen that was in a different area. That was good because I don’t do well in crowds, especially when they are unfamiliar to me. Fran and Marsha joined us and it was a good time with lots of laughter. I am always uncomfortable in social situations but did well here. The only time it could have gotten bad was when the subject of evolution versus creationism came up. I managed to keep my mouth shut, which was good as my opinion sharply differs from theirs.

I know I promised to be nice and I don’t think this violates that promise. The church is mostly old people and their service is geared to them. The problem with New Life is there is no new life coming in. I talked to Fran about that in the parking lot as we were saying goodbye. I said it reminded me of what my good friend, Bernie, had told me. Bernie is a commander of a VFW post. When he got out of Vietnam he tried to join a post and they ridiculed him saying “Vietnam? That wasn’t a real war”. This was common throughout the organization which was primarily WW II vets. They shunned Vietnam vets for years until they all started dying off. Then dues dropped so low bills weren’t getting paid so they finally had to open up to Vets of other wars. I told Fran that every time a missionary goes out he must learn the language of the people he is going to. That holds true here. You have to learn the language of the kids (By kids I mean anyone under the age of 27 or so) Otherwise they won’t be comfortable and won’t come. Without new life the church will simply die, slowly shriveling up.

After church we came home and I had to rest as I must do often. After that we rushed to the park so we could get our walk in before dark. I took tons of pictures as you can see.



The highlight of the evening was watching the deer work their way across the pasture. We always hope to see them and had presumed we had missed out so were heading to the gate.
Then I saw them. We held still and watched as they got closer and closer. I counted ten of them. They knew we were there and would sometimes watch intently and then go back to feeding. We could slowly move to a point we knew they would cross at and got to within twenty feet of them.


I snapped as many pictures as I could but many of them didn’t come out because the sun was rapidly going down and my digital camera had limited low light ability.

I went blogging and found some of the sites that are like a breath of fresh air for me. Those are the ones dedicated to children put out by the proud parents. Here is New Life. Here is the future. Then I checked on some of the regular blogs I follow including John Scalzi’s “whatever”. (One of these days I will learn how to do that link thing)


Now it’s time to call it a night and the back pain is getting pretty bad. I need to find a way of working on this computer that isn’t so painful. You guys do good now. See ya tomorrow on this blog.

More loose ends

3/19/06 Sunday
It’s another cloudless morning. I wish I could see our path ahead as well as I can see far on a day like this. I woke up debating about going to New Life Assembly. I read what I wrote in the journal to get an idea where my head was at last night on this. As uncomfortable as I am with some of what we saw there when we went before I have to wonder about the timing of Fran’s call. He didn’t call so much to tell us about Ron and Paula being hurt as to invite us to the church celebration. It seems that many of the things happening in our lives lately has been a tying up of loose ends of the lives we had here in Toledo. That takes me back to the thought that there is an unseen hand orchestrating things in our lives. I don’t know and refuse to create something in my mind that isn’t there. You know, “Spiritualize” everything.


Regardless, this is the church I helped to found so many years ago and Fran and Marsha are old friends. I never followed up on spending more time with them to recover what memories of my past they hold. Of course I never seem to follow up on much of anything. Fran has, or had, his ministry to the truckers at the truck stop in Stony Ridge and that kept him busy. He had asked me if I wanted to be involved but I wouldn’t because of the doubts I have. I will not represent anything I don’t have a firm belief in. My daily prayer is for God to let me know He exists, “Where are you?”. We have seen a world of people who say one thing and do another. I refuse to join those ranks. I am more honest and live a life that is much more scriptural than many who call themselves “Christians”. I won’t call myself a Christian because it is a negative label to most people, instantly stereotyping us and bringing up all kinds of walls. And because it would not be honest for me to claim because I am unsure of what many of the churches teach. I help the poor and helpless because I care and that is the number one theme in the whole Bible, front to back.

Anyway, we are going to go. Fran had told me last night, in an attempt to convince me to go “There’s going to be a potluck afterwards. There’ll be some good food there”. “Fran, the food doesn’t matter to me. I won’t come for the food. I will go because it is what I should do” I responded. This set him back a little, made him think I reckon. In my mind, if we went for the food we’re being false. That is something I determined not to be after I woke up from the coma. Of course blunt honesty has caused allot of trouble for me. I know that many of the Christian friends we know will be bothered about my expressing my doubts but I won’t put up a false front, pretending to be what I am not. Then I will join the ranks of those who disgust me. That’s not Christians mind you, but those who talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. These are the ones who have made the term “Christian” one that is a negative to many in this nation.

How many times I have heard “I don’t go to church because of the hypocrites”? It’s become a standard response in America. It wasn’t to long ago that we had been excited about going to a church we thought could become a home and a place we could find friends. I was excited and wanted to pitch in anyway I could to use my background and degree for something good. But it went terribly wrong. I was labeled or judged by some in the leadership. This judgment spread like a drop of poison in a glass of water and soon shaded everyone’s eyes so they interpreted what they saw of me by what they had heard. Then, despite my pleas for some help, some emotional support, some simple advice, we were asked to find another church. And to make sure our separation was complete the leader of the home group we attended was told to not let us attend any longer. That hurt deep. Here I was, still reeling from the brain injuries I received in the car wreck, being kicked in the ass by those we turned to for help. We didn’t ask for or want money, we just wanted friends. Don’t they realize what their Bible says? “That if you cause the least of My little ones to stumble, it would be better for you to have a millstone tied around your neck and thrown into the deepest part of the sea”. Of course I am sure they are smug and believe, in their self righteousness, that they had done God’s work. I can see them now patting each other on the back and saying “We took care of that problem. Good job”.

Time to go to Church.

Bam Bam, too much too quick

<
It’s 5:00 now. I just got back from taking Fred and Barb around. Barb finally called to say her check arrived at around 2:30. She told me that Fred had been calling her every fifteen minutes telling her “Did your check come yet? I’ve been waiting. I have to go to the store too. Did your check come yet?”. That’s typical Fred. He gets antsy and worked up. Patience is not a word that fits in his description. I called Fred and let him know we were leaving. He beat me to the car, which at 87 is scary.

We got to Barb’s and she was at Dixie’s. She came to the car and said that Dixie wasn’t coming, claiming that she caught a cold, her arms hurt, and anything else she could think of. Barb said she was getting depressed again. At least she had her door open and was talking. Wish I could have got her out of the house.


I took Barb to the carry out to cash her check first and then we went to Cricket. The battery on Barb’s phone wouldn’t hold a charge so Fred said he would buy her a new one. Fred gets panicky when he can’t get a hold of her and has been known to call the police to have them check on her. A battery at Cricket would have cost $40 but the lady said we could get it cheaper at Page Plus, which is right down the road. She also said the battery had been recalled and now that I think about it, perhaps that means they should have replaced it free. Too late now.

I drove to Page Plus and we got the battery for ten dollars less. With that done we went to Kroger. What a madhouse. Saturday is a bad day to grocery shop. There were no handicap spots open and when there was folks were willing to run you down to get it. I let Fred and Barb out at the door and went on in search of a spot. Got lucky and caught one right in front. Had to wait for them to get settled and after sitting there for five minutes I honked the horn. The passenger looked up in surprise and opened his door to signal they would back out in a second. Here they are surrounded by cars cutting each other off and seemed clueless someone might want to park.


I rushed in and found Fred waiting, leaning on his cart. He handed me his coupons and we went in. Fred told me “I don’t like this Kroger. I’ve never been here and I don’t know where anything is”. “Fred you’ve been here plenty of times, you just don’t remember” I said. I really don’t know because this is the store I take Barb and Wayne to all the time. I’m think I brought Fred here but can’t say for sure. We walked in more and Barb was looking at all the flowers that were for sale. Fred couldn’t tell what she was looking at so asked me. “She’s looking at flowers Fred” I answered. “What the hell is she looking at flowers for” was his retort. I told him she was a big girl and left it at that. Then Fred looked around and asked if we were in the vegetable section. I know he is blind but he’s not that blind. We’re surrounded by bins filled with apples, oranges, potatoes, and walls lined with green produce. “Yes Fred, this is the vegetable section.
I got them all done and took Barb home. Fred was not breathing to well by the time I got him home so he was glad to be dine.

Right now it is 9:30. There is much that has happened in the space of just a few hours. Sharon called and talked to Cherie. She had been beaten up pretty badly by a cokehead who was after the woman getting mail in front of her. Broken bones in her face and just badly hurt. This on top of a life time of abuse. She is afraid of black people now and that will make housing hard when you are on section 8. She said she will need help moving so I think I will talk to Bill at Westside Community church about it.

Cherie had visited with her parents when she went to drop off something for Cathy, whom she presumed would be going to Lorain with Nate. Nah, they didn’t go. Cathy was on her computer. Who knows what that was about. Cherie is always broken a bit after she goes over there and I just let her lay in my arms to help her feel secure.

Ahmed came home so I took him the key I had made for him. He wanted to talk about the girl he had stay with him. Come to find out she is a 22 year old heroin addict that he has known for a while. He had brought her to Toledo on the condition of no drugs. He took her to the hospital and they gave her something to help her kick and he said she was clean. Then he told me she had talked him into going to Detroit and buying her heroin, which he did. I’m listening to this and thinking to myself “Is he nuts?”.
She then told him her grandfather was sick so she needed to go back to Chicago so he took her. He gave her money to buy something for the grandfather and then took her to a dope house in Chicago. He waited and waited outside but she never came down. Then he paid some other dope head, who had just came out of the house to go and get her. That didn’t work so she called him and told him to come up and get the keys. At least he had enough sense not to do that but he hung around till a cop came by and asked him what he was doing there.
He went on to drive his truck. She calls a few days later and said she was ready to come back. He refused to pick her up and is all worried about that as he talked with me. I went through things with him. I told him I had been a heroin addict so knew a little bit about that world. I explained she was just using him and would continue to do so till he put down his feet. I said she needs to be in a drug rehab program and until then drugs were her god and would tell her what to do and when to do it.
Ahmed told me about some other lady he met in Oxford Ohio who also was a drug addict. I explained how heroin works and also cocaine. It seems that Jackie had bought some rocks while she was with Ahmed. Is this boy just stupid or what. He’s sitting there telling me this stuff and seemed to be clueless. “She paid $10 for this little piece of something this big” he said as he held up his fingers pinched together. “Did she smoke it?” I asked him. He told me she did. “That was crack cocaine Ahmed” I explained. He asked if I would be willing to drive his firebird to Chicago and bring her back if she called. He said he would leave me money to do it with. I told him I would drive her straight to a drug rehab but I would never drive her to his apartment, which is across the hall from us.

Enough of that. “Ahmed, I’m cooking dinner so I’ve got to go” I excused myself and left. That was true because I had gotten halfway to making up some hamburgers when he had gotten home. Cherie had covered it up so I came home and finished them up. As soon as we got done the phone rang. It was Fran Duschle, whom we had known way back in the early days of our first marriage. It was when we had helped build a church in the city of Oregon with the pastor, Ron Charles.

Fran told me that Ron and his wife Paula were both in bad shape. Ron was ministering in Garbage City, which is located in Egypt. Just type Egypt in the blog search engine to see what I had written on that. Anyway, Paula had fallen from a horse in Egypt, breaking a bunch of ribs and puncturing her lungs. The Ron fell from a horse and broke his leg and I guess his hip. Paula almost died and Ron’s leg wasn’t set right so didn’t heal so he is hobbling pretty badly.

This is a lot to deal with in a short time. Fran said the church we had helped found was having a big celebration because they were finally being recognized as an Assembly of God charter church or something like that. I really wasn’t comfortable with going and neither was Cherie.

It’s been a night and I have much to ponder now. Night all.

The future looks as bright as this morning

3/18/06 Saturday
It’s a bright cloudless day, about twenty degrees out. The high is expected to get up to forty. I just remembered that (who knows what I just remembered. I didn’t finish the sentence so just forgot what I just remembered. That’s Bob life.

Cherie and I just got back from doing some morning things. I called Barb because she had asked Wednesday or Thursday if I could take her and Dixie to the store. She said she would still like to go and that Dixie needed to go.






Dixie’s daughter came and got her out a couple of days ago. Dixie was doing the paranoid schizo thing again where she would not answer the door. Barb and her caseworker could see Dixie running around through the window but she wouldn’t answer the door. One of the last times Dixie had an event she had called Barb to come help her. Barb found Dixie hiding in her bathroom where she had been for a couple of days. I can’t but imagine what it is like to live in that kind of private hell that comes and goes when it feels like it. She is always uncomfortable and her depression is easily triggered. To be afraid and hide from voices that are always just outside the door is a torture worse than many others.

I am slowing down at a steady rate now. I had forgotten to take my seizure pill this morning and noticed the light headed dizzy feeling when we were in Andersons. We had stopped by there to get a key made for Ahmed. He had taken the woman who had stayed in his apartment back to Chicago and she had taken his keys with her.

At Anderson’s Cherie showed me some stuff she liked and we talked about what we would like, style wise, in Texas. Our tastes are so much alike it boggles my mind. Cherie was worried as she is prone to be but I told her I would be fine. We went to the Waffle House to get some breakfast as sometimes food helps. It didn’t make a difference but that’s Ok. From there we went to our old storage unit and let them know we had moved out. We were surprised when they gave us money back for the remainder of the month.

That done we went across the street to the new storage unit where I cleaned of the top of the one desk I had wanted to recover the most out of the old warehouse.
We took these pictures of it and I had Cherie take a picture of me as I take most of the pictures thereby none of myself.


This desk I had made to illustrate my abilities as well as to show different kinds of finishes. Kind of an advertising piece that also allowed customers to get a visual of different finishes. Now I can't remember which was which. Just another thing I will have to relearn like I have had to relearn much of my life.







I had gotten this desk out of a tatoo parlor I liquidated. I refinished half of it and left the rest just as I found it. (Yeah I know. You figured that out already)It has some damage from the five years it sat in the old warehouse but over all is not bad.I can clean up much of it and hide the scratch. It is a hope I can get back into this once we settle in Texas.











Here is a close up of the inlay work I did. Originally I would do this kind of stuff to relax from the twelve to fifteen hour days I would work.




Just so you know, the pictures of the old warehouse are of the area in the back that was my woodshop. That was nothing as I rented up to eighty thousand square feet when things were rolling. I should go back and get pictures of some of the office area and other parts like the space I gave up for the International Boxing Club that was used to give troubled kids some direction in their lives. That’s still going strong, at least I think it is. Now that I’m thinking of it I will give Harry Cummins a call to see how things are going. No answer so I left a message.

Cherie’s sister, Cathy called while we were on the way home. Cherie was both surprised and glad to get her call. Cathy called because she wanted to by Cherie’s sewing machine but any reason is good for us. Cherie learned a little of what Cathy wanted to do so had some good advice for her. Cathy just came and picked Cherie up so they could go out and look at different machines. This will give them some quality time and may help things politically. She has been reading this blog, evidently regularly, which is good as it will help them have a clearer idea who I am and who Cherie and I are together. Hell of a lot better than speculation based on little and inaccurate information that is tainted by opinions that have festered for twenty years. Truth is good regardless of how it is received.

While it is in this brain I want to record what Wayne had told me yesterday. We thought Sharon had moved out of the S. Cove apartments where Wayne lives but that was not the case. (Sharon, by the way, is a woman with brain damage received when her ex beat her with a pipe that we had been assisting.) What had happened was she had been beaten when she walked up to get her mail. The guy was in the St. Paul half of the complex and was probably one of the mental cases. He may have been trying to rape her. Sharon was in the hospital for three days and may need plastic surgery. I called and left a message for her. I don’t know if she will return it. She was withdrawing from Paxil, a nasty anti psych drug that is falling into disrepute because of its horrific side effects, and had developed an attitude against me. This was not uncommon as she had done the same thing with Wayne and is based on her distrust of all men. We had been teaching her how to drive again so she could get her license and be more independent. Anyway we feel bad for her and wish her the best. That illustrates the need to get Wayne out of there as soon as possible.

I should rest as I will be taking Fred, Barb, and hopefully Dixie (providing she is willing to come out) to the store this afternoon. I am sore all over from moving this stuff yesterday. The guys did 90% of the work but I had to pitch in. I didn’t do much but am hurting pretty good this morning. Mostly the back. This lets me know that I will need allot of help in Texas, on a regular basis. I will go through the churches in Stanton first to find someone who is reliable, trustworthy, and mostly in need of work. Also who will work cheap cause I ain’t rich at all. Not even close. The inheritance will be gone just fixing up the place. Maybe, still not sure how much it will be. Regardless I will keep the budget tight. I’m a cheap ass either way and not prone to waste anything. That’s why we will be investing to make everything there self sufficient. The cost of living will be minimal and quite possibly it will pay instead of cost. Got to think long term. This is not just home but where we hope to grow old together.

Cherie just got back. I asked how things went and she said “OK”. Their visit and shopping trip ended when Nate called. Cathy has to drive him down to Loraine, Ohio for something connected with his business. Cathy had told Cherie something but said “Don’t let Bob put that in his blog”. Cherie couldn’t remember what it was so it must not have been important. Who knows. Hopefully they will get less “delicate” about things as time goes by. At least they read this so in that way we communicate.

I’m not doing to bad right now as you can see from how much I wrote. Running about a 7 on the Bob scale. Still a little dizzy but the brain is working. I think I will get this published now.

Long day. Closing doors to the past

I’m worn out. Have to rest. It’s 3:54 and I’m just getting home.
Cherie met me at Lock it Up Storage to write the check and give me a ride home after I dropped the truck off. We came home and she cooked up some crab patties. I am still tired and may fill in today’s events tomorrow. I got a truck load of stuff out of the warehouse. Part of me wanted to take everything but that is not practical.
There were many old projects that I had started six years ago and never finished because of all that happened. Things like desks from the civil war era that I was restoring to many other pieces of antique furniture that had been partially stripped and never finished.
Mostly it was a reminder of what I had done to myself. It was not as hard as other times I went up there. I guess I have dealt with it to a degree.
Bill Reese is the guy River East had to watch me. He knew me from years ago when I shot pool in a league. During the five hours we spent digging through the mess Bill and I talked about what had happened years ago. When I said something about the security camera’s Bill stopped and then said “It’s all coming together now. Now it makes sense”. He was referring to Joe Pena. He has known Joe for years and it seems that Joe was bragging about a place he was getting security cameras from. Bill said that Joe was slick how he framed it to hide the fact he was stealing them. Bill said Joe would talk about the “Idiot” he was taking advantage of. It all comes out in the end.

Bernie was up in his shop and we talked a bit. He told me that the VFW hall was having a Jig’s Diner and invited me to go. I did and it was a great dinner but Bernie had to go so we didn’t get to talk much. After I walked back over to his shop and took some pictures of his work.
We talked briefly but he had to get back to work. Brian came up and also took some pictures. He was someone who has a business in the building that I knew well back in the day. Brian wasn’t to comfortable, perhaps because his mom was with him. We didn’t say much more than Hi and Bye.



I’m too tired to do a good job on this entry so I will hopefully fill in details tomorrow. Figured y’all would like to hear something about this day. Goodnight.

3/17/06 Friday
Well today’s the day. It’s taken four years but I am finally going to be able to get what is left out of my old warehouse. Had to get the call for action folks from Channel 11 involved to do it. Hope it goes well. This will be a short entry this morning as I got to get moving. I fixed an egg sandwich and will get a shower.
I had to alleviate Cherie’s fears last night. She told me that she thought the folks at River East were scum and I explained again that I couldn’t blame them. The ones who were bad are gone. That was Mary Ellen and Joe Pena. Joe was the one spreading rumors and placing the blame on me for the thefts he was committing. He was stealing from me while he was telling everyone how bad I was. Plus I was not in good shape, what with the drastic personality change after knocking myself out and the subsequent drug use started with taking Oxycontin for my broken ribs. She wanted to take off work but I told her no. Got to go.

End of a day, not real lucid

I know I need to get the rest of today down but I am wiped. Cherie fixed salmon patties with a homemade cream sauce and peas that was great. I am working to stay awake. The MS luncheon was great and Wayne got allot out of it. I took lots of pictures and will post the good ones here. Out of respect for some of the victims of my camera I will not post all of them.
Denise takes a great picture as her spirit comes through. I need to buy a color cartridge so I can print the ones I took of her and “Squiggy” for her.
I didn’t do to bad though all the activity did overload me a little slowing me down.
When some of the MS lunch bunch heard we were going to move to Texas they were concerned and said they would miss me. I assured them this was not going to be a quick move, that I would be around a while.
It was…I don’t know how to put it. I’m not used to being liked or accepted or something. I guess it just surprised me that these people who had only met me a few times would feel this way. That is probably from the insecurity amplified when the Cedar Creek church “suggested” that Cherie and I find another church.
It is good to be liked. I just am afraid of it. I feel safer with just Cherie and a small number of others. What a paradox. I made cards to get people to read this blog but am uncomfortable with real contact. With the blog I can talk to the world but keep a distance. Enough of that crap. I’m kinda slow right now. Here are some pictures. I’m going to call it a night.
We picked up the truck and got the storage unit. Tomorrow I go pick up the scraps left of my old companies.

A busy day ahead

3/16/06 Thursday
This will be a busy day. I’m not too bad this morning. The brain is running at a 6 on the Bob scale. This afternoon I will be taking Wayne to the Women Against MS Luncheon. The speaker will be David Lander who played “Squiggy” on the Laverne and Shirley television show as well as being in several films and doing voiceovers. He has MS and is very active with the National MS Society. It is my goal to help Wayne at this luncheon. Not only will he hear a positive message but I may be able get him some support by making his story known. This is important because Cherie and I will be moving to Texas. I finally printed up some business cards promoting this blog which I will hand out. I will also print up a few copies of Wayne’s story. I’m not sure if this will be considered appropriate but, hey I’m a salesman.

I got the package from Sally Edwards, the lawyer I found to take Wayne’s Social Security case. This is good to get. I will take it to Wayne when I pick him up for the luncheon and help him fill it out. His hand writing is deteriorating because of the MS.

This morning, when Cherie woke up she had lots of questions about the truck I will pick up from the storage area. What time I will get it and how I will drive it home without the car. It is good she thinks in the morning cause I had not considered these questions. I also forgot we have to leave a check as a deposit for the truck. Cherie writes all the checks as my name is not on the checking account. This is fine as it helps her keep a handle on finances. I’m usually pretty good but sometimes forget where we are at and don’t think things through. Cherie was my payee with the Social Security disability when I first got it. That was three years ago when I was still a little rough from the brain damage. We balance each other out well and make a great team.

I will dress up a little today for the luncheon. Need to call Wayne to remind him and perhaps wake him up if he didn’t use the alarm clock I bought him yesterday. Hope I don’t have a slow down. It is new and unfamiliar situations that are hard on me and trigger slow downs.

Allen called last night and wanted me to come over and “help”. I told him I was going to be busy the next two days so he asked if I would come over Saturday of Sunday. I am not inclined to so because this is time I try to reserve to be with Cherie. I let Allen know that if I had some free time today or tomorrow I would call him. I do need to get the information from the Pain Foundation to him so will make an effort.

Can’t think of much else for this morning so I must get going. I showered, shaved, and fixed a bowl of oatmeal. You may ask why I put such mundane things in this entry so I will explain. Some days doing these basic things is an achievement and many days I simply can’t remember if I did so I look in the journal to see. Again this journal serves as my memory for those times I need it. That’s not all the time mind you just now and then.

Prime Time when I needed it. Lots done

3/15/06 Wednesday
It’s a bright, sunny, cold morning. I will take Wayne in for his lab test this morning. Talked to him last night a few times as I wrote his letter.
Wayne just called me. He was up all night cause the crack head upstairs had his TV going all night with the volume cranked again. I need to get him into the lab as early as I can because of his diabetes. Eating is important for his blood sugar and he had to fast for this. Gotta go.

I got Wayne and we just arrived at the VA. He had a rough night not only because of the idiot up stairs but also because he was unable to take his pain and muscle medication because of this upcoming lab work. His blood sugar wasn’t bad considering he hasn’t eaten but I will take him to the restaurant across the street for breakfast.

I called Fred to let him know that I would be taking Wayne to the VA and asked if he had anything he’d like me to take to Barb while I was in the area. He said that Barb had a check that needed cashing and would like to go to the store. Barb had called me last night because when she woke up she smelled gas. I told her to call Columbia Gas. They came out and told her the furnace needed to be replaced. She will call NPI this morning. That may be another issue I’ll have to address.

Wayne just got done at the lab. All they did was draw blood so it’s time to leave now.
I took Wayne to the Waffle House that Jeff and I meet at on Fridays. Mostly because I am familiar with it and have a discount ticket from the manager. I brought this laptop in and showed him what I wrote regarding his journey with MS. He made two suggestions which I will incorporate if I can remember.

After breakfast I took Wayne across the street to a place called Savers, which is a used items thrift shop. We found an alarm clock for him but could not find an answering machine. Wayne pulled out his wallet knowing what I would say “Wayne, put that thing back in your pocket”. He did but felt better for trying, helps him retain his dignity.

I took Wayne home after this and when he asked if I would like to come in and play a game of checkers I had to decline. “Wayne, I’ve got to take Barb to get some groceries” I explained. I called Barb and let her know I was coming over. She was glad and ready when I got there. I took her to Kroger and caught back up with her after helping an old guy get a cart to hang on to. Barb was in a jolly mood and had a list of what she needed. It’s hard for me to describe how she is in a way you can picture. Imagine a ten year old in a forty six year old’s body, only the face shows the wear of hard years. Barb would laugh with her unique chuckle as she looked for the cabbage on her list. Finding it she asked if the .19 price was for each head or per pound. Then she would spy something and giggling point it out saying “Look at that Bob”. It wouldn’t be anything special.

As I followed her I talked to her about the furnace problem. Evidently it had been leaking for a while because she had a headache that lasted the whole day. NPI had sent someone over to fix it but she wasn’t sure what he did to it. She needed garbage bags and I had again forgotten to bring the box of cereal and oyster crackers so I suggested taking her to my apartment and pick up both items. We buy trash bags in bulk at Sam’s anyway so I am more than happy to give her a handful. She thought that was a great idea cause she could visit with Fred. We headed over and I called Fred to warn him we were coming.

Getting there I knocked on Fred’s door and after him and Barb were talking went upstairs to get the food and garbage bags. Coming back I find Fred trying to convince her to call the gas company and have them inspect the furnace.

I’m doing a rapid slow down so I will just outline the rest of the day.
I took Barb home. I went over to Wayne’s and played a couple games of checkers, making sure he one the first one. That gave him an ecstatic boost, putting a big grin on his face.
Then I called Barb to take her to NPI and sign an release of information form authorizing me to represent her. She was paranoid about it, fearing they would evict her. I convinced her I knew what I was doing and would not cause harm.
I had to convince her all over again when I got to her place. Taking her to NPI I told the receptionist why I was there. We had to wait for Juanita, Barb’s new case worker, and I could see how nervous Barb was. Barb suffers from anxiety attacks and paranoia so this was hard for her. Gary, the asshole who I had confronted for both Wayne and Sharron as their advocates, came in and had nothing to say. Juanita came out. She recognized me immediately, which I think was good. Fact is I neither recognized her or Gary but that’s part of my disability. There was not the conflict Barb was expecting. Juanita was nice and professional and offered suggestions regarding getting Wayne moved out of S. Cove into the apartments where Barb is.

It is 4:59 at the moment. I am filling in the events of the day but wanted to make this note. Today was a prime time day and I have been sharp all day long with a good energy level. I am taking a break and writing this note because I can feel that light headedness and kind of sweaty skin surface feeling that often foreshadows a slow down. At least I stayed sharp all day and got lots done. Now back to filling in the day.

That’s all I can do for now. Slowed way down. Running a 3 on the Bob scale. I think I will lay down now.

A clear end for the day

It’s a downhill slide. Both ears are ringing and I am running pretty slow. Tried to publish a picture on the blog but it wouldn’t work. Then I tried to find help in the blogger stuff but just got confused. The more I tried the more confused I got. Right now I would guess I am down to a 3 on the Bob scale. My typing speed is pretty slow. The migraine is still there but not as bad. It’s hard to tell just how slow I am until I have to talk with someone. That brings it out. I think I will go back to bed now. This sucks.

8:00 – I am doing just fine. I hate it when I lose a whole day. Now I am running at an 8 on the Bob scale. I wish I could arrange the slow times to happen late in the day instead of right in the middle of it. I am going to write Wayne’s story now. Never got to it before.

We had hamburgers for dinner. I mixed jalapeños in mine. Good for the cholesterol. After that I made oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips, raisons, and pecans. Too good and too rich which will make us too fat. But we’re having fun getting there. I got Cherie laughing so hard she spewed the mini marshmallows she was eating all over. Yeah I did it on purpose. Caught her right after she had a mouthful and started acting like a fool. It works every time cause I got the acting like a fool thing down pat. Nothing like a lifetime of practice, of course now I do it for fun but before I did it cause I was an idiot.

It is 11:00 at night now. Of course my mind is awake and active. Go figure. I explored some of the traces from hits on this blog and found a blog called “Grits with breakfast”. Cool stuff. I like this guy and he is involved in some issues near to my heart such as prison reform and many other areas where the government needs someone with a flashlight uncovering what they want to keep hidden. I just finished the first draft of the paper I transcribed for Wayne. This will hopefully be taken to the M.S. national office and help them develop policy for their future. This is just the first draft so it will go through revisions. I’m open to suggestions. Hell I’m always open for any input.

My life with Multiple Sclerosis
By Wayne Schmitz

When I was first diagnosed with M.S. I didn’t know a thing about this disease. I didn’t think it would change my life too much. Boy was I wrong.
I’ve worked hard all my life. As a young man I was in the army during the Vietnam war. After that I went into the steel working trade, welding and pipe fitting in the ship yards and then in an iron foundry. When that plant shut down I went to school and became a truck driver. I was doing good in life, or at least I thought so. The trucking job came to an end so I took a position as a security guard till something else opened up. This was in 1996.
After a ten hour shift I was worn out. My but, tailbone, and lower back were all killing me so I figured a good scalding hot shower would help. I turned the pulsating shower head on and let the heat soak into my muscles. That’s when it happened. My legs went numb and just died and I collapsed in the shower. I yelled for my son and he came in with his girlfriend. She was a nurse at St. Vincent’s hospital. At her insistence I went to the hospital. I really didn’t want to because I always took care of my problems and would just tough things out.
After three or four days of testing they gave me a spinal tap. That was when Dr. Mareska, the neurologist, told me I had Multiple Sclerosis. It really didn’t register. I’ve heard about it but didn’t have a clue what it was and meant. I kept on working and things didn’t really change for about six years. Walking long distances was getting harder and after a while even short distances took a bit out of me. This made my job tough because as a security guard in a large refinery my hourly route required walking a pretty good distance.
It became known I was diagnosed with M.S. and the security company began writing me up for offenses I never committed. These were used to justify firing me. I didn’t think it would be hard to get another job but I was wrong. I wouldn’t lie on my applications and frankly didn’t understand the stigma that came with having this disease. I found that I could no longer drive truck because of M.S.
It didn’t matter how many applications I put in for work, regardless of what the job was. No one was going to hire me, I think because of the potential impact it would have on their health insurance but I don’t really know. All I know is I was losing everything at an increasing pace. Walking was getting harder, my savings were eaten up as I struggled to hold on, and it seemed harder for me to think and remember.
I had to park my car in front of my son’s place because I couldn’t afford to get the plates renewed. I put what I valued most in it because I couldn’t even afford to pay for a storage unit. That included things like pictures and records that can’t be replaced along with most of my clothes. I had talked to the landlord and he agreed to give me time to move my stuff out of the apartment because I still had time left on the month.
I called the MS Society for help and was told they could only give me a small, one time financial assistance and that was it. I came home to find that all my furniture had been moved out to the street and everyone was going through it, taking what they wanted. My car had been towed for the expired plates and was sold. I was unable to recover the personal possessions that had been stored inside it. Now I was homeless and destitute, with only the clothes on my back.
I made it to St. Paul’s homeless shelter where I met Bob Westbrook, who was to become a good friend and more. He too was homeless due to a brain injury and a resulting memory loss. He had been learning how to do basic things like ride the bus and, more importantly how to access the government agencies that are set up to help those who were in dire straits.
Bob worked to get the Veterans Administration motivated by filing grievances and acting as an advocate. He showed me how to take the bus to places I needed to go and then got me approved for Section 8 housing. This got me out of the homeless shelters, which were not the safest environments. Then he took me to Family Services and got me approved for food stamps. Through his efforts and because of his ability to write I learned there was a program that would pay me $115 a month while waiting for my Social Security Disability to be approved.
That is another area Bob has been working hard on. Much of this I didn’t have a clue about and was just living from day to day, happy to get food and a bed to sleep in. Without his guidance I would still be in the homeless shelters, unaware of what was available to me. We are now on our third year fighting to get my disability. The doctors that Social Security sent me to see, who were to verify I had MS and was disabled, never bothered to even send in any paperwork on me. Thus I was denied again and again. I am sure that these doctors, who work for the DDS program funded by the Federal government but administered by the state of Ohio through the Ohio Rehabilitation Commission, got paid for seeing me. Evidently there is no oversight to insure they do what they are paid to do. And people like me are the victims of this corruption.
It’s been a hard struggle but I don’t give up easily, I never will. I fight the pains of M.S. everyday, both physically and mentally. My M.S. has slowly been getting aggressive but like I said I’m not giving up.

I am transcribing this for Wayne. The next two pages were a description of his physical and mental condition. I thought it would help to sum it up here. Wayne has Primary Progressive Multiple Scleroses. His pain level is fairly high and mobility is limited to the point where a walk through the grocery store stretches his limits. He requires a walker to get around. His cognizance is not too bad though he has difficulty maintaining a train of thought. The short term memory is an increasing problem that I am teaching him methods to compensate for.
I would like to say that what Wayne needed the most at the start of this ordeal was simple guidance and advice. This would have prevented his loss of everything and helped him navigate the maze of bureaucracy that can confuse anyone much less someone experiencing the pain and mental confusion Wayne has. I will put his last four sentences just as he wrote them. Bob Westbrook.

It’s like your looking for help but you don’t know where to go. You have to rely on others because you can’t remember what to do. God please keep helping me. You ever feel like you’re screaming for help but no one listens to you.
(signed) Wayne Schmitz Sr.

I suppose that should do it. Cherie has gone to bed and I should also but I like to take advantage of these moments of mental clarity because I never know how long they will last. It is what I call “Prime time”. I lost much of the day and that always frustrates me.

I wear my sunglasses at night

3/14/06 Tuesday
It’s Toledo. Yesterday the temperature went over 70 and this morning there are snow flurries and it’s 24 degrees. That’s OK with me, I’m used to it, just keeping y’all up to date on things.

At the moment this brain is operating at a 7 on the Bob scale. My right ear is ringing and I have no idea what that portends. It does this allot. Sometimes it means nothing but sometimes it is one of the precursors to a slow down. Who knows what’s coming. I am thinking that the instability of this brain is something that comes and goes in long ebbs and flows. I go for weeks with few slow downs and the have a period where they are increased both in frequency and duration. If this is due to stress levels is unclear to me. Partly because I can’t remember. I do know that the last few days have been hard.

Today I am to take Wayne to the VA for lab tests. I better call him and see if he is supposed to fast and make sure he does. There was no answer so odds are he is still asleep or in the bathroom. I think I need to buy him an answering machine.

I finally got a hold of Wayne. He had turned the ringer off because of more phone calls at 3:00 or so in the morning. They are usually high and abusive, always asking for some woman. I can’t blame him for turning the ringer off and this strengthens my resolve to get him an answering machine. Wayne didn’t look at his calendar this morning so didn’t fast like he was supposed to for his lab work. I rescheduled him for tomorrow.

I also called Ellen, my ex wife’s cousin. She was surprised to hear from me, wondering why I was calling. We talked a bit about how things are going for each of us. She will be having another back surgery. She said she broke her ankle around Christmas. Her brother bought the house from her mother, which is not good news as they don’t get along. She is looking for another place to live and would prefer to buy one. She is on disability so that makes the budget tight. I told her I had information about government programs for those in her position. I think we do but will have to check with Cherie on that.

I told Ellen about the blog but Ellen doesn’t do computers at all. This is because it was working at a computer at Blue Cross for years is what caused the damage leading to her disability. Hearing that made me think of the pain I go through while sitting at this computer. That is why I sometimes lay in bed with the laptop on my knees. Hurts allot less.
I also called my son Adam when I saw that the instant messenger face was on next to his name in Yahoo. No one answered so I left another message. I’ll keep trying.

I’ve got a headache on the way. Still running about a seven. Fixed a big breakfast/lunch. Four eggs, grits, flour gravy, and toast. I won’t need to eat for the rest of the day, or at least till dinner. I need to write Wayne’s story so if I start on it now it stands a better chance of getting done.

Cherie came home for lunch as I was writing the previous paragraph. We talked about things and she reminded me to call and set up a time for the orientation at Direct Buy. Cherie said she was worrying that we had made a wrong decision there. That is Cherie’s way, no matter what she worries about it. I reassured her “Cherie, the math works no matter how you look at it. We’re going to spend a ton of money on the farm over the next two years and most of what we need Direct Buy has. That includes things like windows and lots of other stuff”. She felt better and told me so. I said to forget about worrying “We’re blessed. You worried after you married me didn’t you?”. “Yes” she said with a sheepish smile on her face. “Well that worked out. Your not worried now are you?” I said, smiling because I know the answer to that. This put a big smile on her face, which always makes my heart smile.

While we were talking I put my sunglasses on because the headache is moving to migraine and the light from the windows was beginning to hurt my eyes. I joked and sang the refrain from the song “I Wear My Sunglasses At Night” changing the words to I wear my sunglasses in the house. Now she is gone back to work. I have closed the blinds and taken aspirin and a Tramadol. I’ll hold off on the Zomig till it gets real bad. I suppose I’ll take this laptop and the five pages Wayne wrote to the bedroom and work on that.

A walk in the park

The walk in the park was great as always. The ground was pretty mushy in some spots from all the rain we had last night and this morning when the front that caused all the tornadoes in Missouri and Illinois rolled through.
You can see from the pictures just how flooded things are. Cherie was real tired because she was on her feet all day at work. As we walked we both heard a snort. Cherie looked at me and said “Did you hear that?”. “Yeah honey, that’s a deer. They stay out of sight till it gets closer to sunset” I let her know. A few feet farther up the path Cherie said “Look” and pointed into the woods.I couldn’t see it till it moved. It was a big doe.
Cherie has sharp eyes that can discern things through the thick leafless forest. And I’m supposed to be the woodsman.

We went on down the path we usually take, taking in the remarkable changes and flooding from the storm. When we got to Swan Creek it was way over its banks. I took pictures as Cherie looked for more deer. We didn’t find any, which was no surprise.

We got to the platform that overlooks two tributaries that come together and feed the creek. It is one of the places we usually stop and rest at. I took some pictures and as you can see Cherie stretched out and relaxed. By now the sun had come out and brightened the forest up.

Cherie and I basked in it and went on talking about how we would miss this part of Ohio. While we were looking at the flooded woods I told Cherie to take a good look, “We won’t see water like this in Texas”.

I took more pictures and this was when I got the one showing the clouds and edge of the forest. Cherie was wearing out so we came home. We didn’t feel like a big dinner so I melted some cheese with salsa and we had that with chips. Of course we had to finish up with some of the Bear tracks ice cream Cherie had picked up yesterday. Now we are watching 24 though Cherie is doing some of the sewing she loves. I think I will call it a night now.

Roller Coaster

Hard to hold down,
nimble,
alighting wherever it likes:
the mind.
Its taming is good.
The mind well-tamed
brings ease.
Buddhist wisdom.

I’m not doing good this morning. Running about a four on the Bob scale. That Buddhist saying really doesn’t apply at the moment. Nothing nimble about the mind now. Just talked to Holly at River East about the stuff at the warehouse. It was a little difficult to communicate but I managed. I need to see about the truck and storage unit now. I am having to think through a fog right now as the brain is processing slow. Not the best time for me to be out but need to do this.

3:30 – Just got back from taking care of Barb. I am operating at about an 8 now. Big improvement but that’s the way it is. Nothing like your brain going on a roller coaster ride whenever it feels like it. It’s like being on drugs or drinking but not as bad. I never lose common sense, just can’t process as fast or handle multiple tasks at the slow times.

Fred was a bit…old, this morning. He had me drop by and pick up an old charger he had, from another phone I think, to take and see if it will work on Barb’s phone. Then he asked me to pick up $30 from Tom at the Marathon to use for buying a new charger for Barb’s phone. I told him I could probably fix the cord on her charger and he said that would be good but still buy a new one. When I asked him “What if this charger works” (referring to the one he gave me to try) he said “Don’t you think she should have a new one?”. It’s his money so I wasn’t going to argue.

I got out our cat carrier and went to pick up the money. With that done I headed to Barb’s. She was waiting and had put one of the two cats in a cardboard box. It was struggling to escape and she was struggling to keep the lids closed. We got the other cat into the cat carrier and took them to the car. I told Barb that she would have to sit in the back seat with the cardboard box. When she wondered about that I explained that the last thing I needed was for a cat to be running loose while I was driving down the road. She understood and got in. I had her give me the number of the place, called “Cat Paws and Whiskers”, and called to make sure of the address.

Barb talked about the cats all the way there as the one in the box would scratch her to escape. This is hard for Barb but has to be done. At the cat shelter Barb said her good by’s to these seven month old kittens from one of her other cats. She had plenty of time as the shelter was busy. I could see how she hurt but she handled it OK.

With that done I took her to the phone place to get her charger. Barb talked about her brother, prison, big drug busts, and other things on the way there and back to her home. She’s been through it, that’s for sure. Mostly from being around the wrong people. I gave her a couple of bucks so she could get the breather she had a prescription for. The doc had told her she had the lungs of a seventy year old. This is one of the motivations she has to quit smoking. I need to remember to ask Allen and Eileen if they have any of the nicotine patches I gave them left. I think they should have almost all of them cause neither one quit.

I stopped by the storage unit we had gotten a discount for at the home show to see if their offer still stood. It does so I reserved a unit. Getting home I called Holly at River East. I was going to go there on Thursday but when I looked at the calendar I saw that I am taking Wayne to the MS fund raiser that day. I called Calvin to see if he was still able to help me and he said probably without allot of confidence. Hope he can. Then I called Holly and we got it set up for Friday morning. Should be interesting. The guy they will have supervising me is their scrapper. This guy has been steady cleaning it out and when I called Holly said he was in the back getting more stuff. Who knows what will be there Friday.

I just called Cherie and asked if she would like to go to the park when she gets off work. She is tired but would like to go. It is 70 today and the storm clouds have long since wandered off. The sun is out, I’ve got all the windows open airing out the place, so this is spring weather. Time to get out after a long winter. Wasn’t a bad winter but winter none the less. Time to get out. I’ll have pictures for you.

Stormy morning but things are clearing

3/13/06 Monday
The storms are here. I’ve got the blinds open to watch the lightning. The power of nature always impresses me and puts me in my place. In life there are always things you can’t control so worrying about them is just a waste of time. This line of storms caused over one hundred tornados in Missouri.

This morning both Cherie and I were tired, mostly because we stayed up and watched a “Chick flick” called ten ways to lose a man or something like that. The ending was one of those “I love you” ones where the two main players figure out they had fallen in love after ten days of hell. I found the movie disturbing despite the ending. While I live a love story that is moving to all who hear it was the premise of deception the relationship was based on that bothered me. I’ve been burned by lying and manipulating women too many times and the movie dredged those old feelings up.

That is just one of the wonders with Cherie and I. Trust. trust is something that gives us both peace, that we can put our lives into each others hands without fear or trepidation. In my mind trust is one of the most valuable things there is.

The only thing I have scheduled for today is to take Barb’s cats to get fixed. The cats are a big part of her emotional support as pets often are. Unfortunately they keep having litters and she faces eviction if she has more than one. This will help stabilized things as long as she doesn’t keep taking in strays.

There is a pile of stuff I put on top of my calendar that I need to address. Putting them there will help me to not forget about them. The pain in the small of my back is pretty high this morning. I did something yesterday to aggravate it. Don’t remember what just remember it hurting in the evening.

I was doing OK this morning but I can never count on that to stay the same. As I was cooking my egg sandwich I began having difficulty juggling the tasks. I got through it and came to the table to eat. I went into the kitchen twice to grab a napkin but both times saw something small to do and thus getting the napkin vanished. On the third try I succeeded but by then the sandwich and coffee are cold. I poured dishwater but we will have to wait and see if I wash them. I did put away the dishes I washed yesterday. Took my pill at 7:00 this morning.

Right now sitting at this computer is hard on my back so I am sitting at attention to reduce the pain. This may be one of those days I prop myself up in bed and write with this laptop on my bent knees. That works well with me and allows me to get stuff done. The pain reminds me that I will have to be careful when I work on the house in Texas. As much as I prefer doing things myself I will have to find some reliable help. Otherwise I might cause further injury. I only broke my neck three times and the back once. Got to remember I’m not only damaged but getting older too.

The days end, looking forward to tomorrow

Got the dishes done and showered. Unfortunately I am slowing down pretty fast now. Got that heat flash feel on the surface of the skin. Hate when this happens. Slight headache there but I suspect more is coming so will go ahead and take the pills for it.

It’s 2:16. I am running about a three now. Pretty slow. The slow down started around noon or so. I read what I wrote when it started and it sounds like I showered the dishes. Nah I showered myself, just am not always clear when I am slow. Need to go back to the bedroom where it’s nice and dark. Headache is there but not migraine level. That may be because I took the battery of pills like aspirin and stuff. Not good at writing at the moment. The light hurts my eyes so will take this laptop to the bedroom.

Cherie and I spent some time talking about what we would like to do with the house in Texas. It is exciting for us and also seems like a dream, almost unreal. We still are just amazed at how life turned for us both. We would have never, not even in our wildest imagination, considered the possibility of us coming back together. Now we can build a home together. I look into her eyes and am struck by their beauty while recalling how those eyes had the same effect over twenty years ago.
There is much to do no matter how we approach this project. The first thing is to blueprint the house and give it a thorough inspection. Need to check everything from electrical and plumbing as well as how the house is structurally put together.
The first job is to clean it out. That will require a dumpster and a few trips to Goodwill or someplace we can donate appliances and furniture. Then I will fumigate it to get rid of rodents and the nest of bee’s that is under the house. They may be killer bee’s. I don’t know but they have made it into this part of Texas, at least I think so.
We are going to go the self sustaining route with this farm. For those who are unfamiliar with the term it means to make it as inexpensive as possible to live there. We’re going to have solar or wind power, perhaps both. There is a possibility we will get paid for the electricity we generate. I will be writing the state and federal congressional reps to see about the many programs available to help allay the cost of this. We will install rainwater harvesting and what is called gray water reclamation. This is where all the bath and wash water is filtered and will be used in the garden. No waste here at all.

A composting toilet will allow us to recycle our own waste as well, returning it to the garden where we will grow much of our food. That goes for all the table scraps as well. They will both go to compost and the meats will be chicken food as it is generally unhealthy for a compost pit. Yeah, we’ll have chickens too. Nothing like eggs from well fed chickens. You got to see them to understand. The yolks are a nice dark yellow and the whites are not runny at all. The chicken meat is exceptional also. There is a dramatic difference between a chicken that is fed corn and scraps as well as free ranging for food and one that is raised in a cage and fed crap and hormones. Imagine that! You can call me “Farmer Bob”. Another big change in the long life of extremes. Criminal, drug addict, successful business man, homeless, loving husband, and now a farmer. It’ll be nice to settle down but I will always find some who need help and give it to them.

5:00 – I’m doing better, the brain cleared up a little, up to a six on the Bob scale. The headache has dropped to manageable levels. These partial seizures take a lot out of me. Feel like I just got home from a long days work with lots of stress. I’m not real motivated to do anything but need to force myself to get away from the TV. I think I will try to carve again. Every other time I contemplated doing this it never seemed to happen. Lost my zeal a few weeks ago when I tried but just could not seem to make a cut without causing a problem. Lets see how it works this time.

Never did carve. Cherie came home from doing laundry so we rushed to get to the park before it got to dark. Barb called and set up a time for me to take her cats in to get them fixed. When we got to Swan Creek it was closed for some construction work. Instead we went to the storage unit so I could get my electrical stuff and see about fixing Barb’s phone charger the cats had chewed.

Cherie fixed Chipolte Tilapia fish that was fantastic. Cherie never used to eat fish but she liked it and will get more. There are many areas we have both changed and became more alike since our marriage. Life is good and looking to get better. It is so nice to look forward now. There was a time I dreaded every new day and had nothing to look forward to. Cherie was there also. She just told me that she would go out to Maumee Bay and walk or just sit there and cry. She said it was a good place to cry. We are blessed and hope to share our blessings with others, to improve lives where ever we go. Do good folks and count your blessings. Night all>

Sunday, time to bring darkness to light

3/12/06 Sunday
I was up till 2:00 this morning getting the journal done and published. I’m tired this morning but got E mails from Bruce along with pictures. That is always good. Think I’ll stay in bed a while along with Cherie. The keyboard drawer on our desk fell of with a loud bang when I was closing shop, jerking Cherie awake. She had a hard time getting back asleep so is as tire as I am. Of course I have already had her laughing this morning as I always do. Nice little tradition, start the day laughing.

Still haven’t heard from the guy who inquired about Jim Watson. Hey, 3mmMilkman, drop me a line. Let me know what’s going on. Jim Watson has taken allot of money and hurt several he purported to help. One of the ways he has worked is to get those who are in dire straits to enroll in his program. To do so they must give up all public assistance making them 100% dependant on him. Then he finds work through the churches he enlists to help him fight drug use and other moral evils by “saving” these guys. The “residents” are then set out to work under supervision with Jim getting the money earned. He doesn’t seem to allow access to his books and will always be at a moment of financial desperation. Another part of the program is to enlist outstanding members of the community to be on his board of directors. This automatically gives him the aura of authenticity that helps make others gullible enough to give money without taking the time to know who Jim Watson is and what is his history.

Here in Toledo his publicized regime of Bible study and prayer for the residents was not followed, especially towards the end. I was told that I was no longer welcome to teach Bible study there. That was when he started his kitchen for the poor after wresting use of a former restaurant facility from an existing ministry by lying to the property owner. He told me there was good money in the God business and church donations were better for feeding programs.

Cedar Creek church donated a truck load of clothing for the residents but Jim would only give coats to those who were properly submissive. When a few dared take a coat or pair of pants because they were cold or needed them he would kick them out on the streets. The fact that they no longer had any form of public assistance made things much harder on these victims of Jim’s “ministry”. I was told by several residents that despite Jim’s promise to Cedar Creek to give the unused donated clothes to the Solid Rock he threw them in the dumpster. Some of them were new with the store tags still on them. There is much more to this story that I have documented. If you know where this charlatan is let me know and I will warn all the churches in that area.

Here is a picture of my son in Iraq. Looks like he needs to drink more of the coffee.


It is a beautiful day outside. I think we will go to the park. Haven’t done that in a while. We don’t have anything planned so it could be a relaxing day we can share together. I need to get writing Wayne’s story but right now I am going to wash the dishes before the dishwater I poured gets cold.

The rest of a good day

I’m up now. Suppose I will take up where I left off with the previous entry. (If you didn’t read it go back and do so you twit. Otherwise this may be Greek) Hey! I just woke up so the humor might be a little rough. Nothing like trying to be funny and having it fall flat on it’s face.

I’m not too proud of that type of sales. It was about the only job I could find just after Cherie and I had moved to Toledo in 1980. The economy was tight and I couldn’t find work in my trade as a machinist because I didn’t belong to a union. They really don’t have unions in Texas and Toledo is an old union town where, years ago, literally hundreds died in the early riots connected to the Autolite plants. Now it was “No union card, no job”. So I had a young wife and a new marriage and took whatever job I could find. I didn’t like it but I excelled at it like I have excelled at everything I have done. Unfortunately I excelled at being bad at times also.

Cherie and I had both made the big decision that “We’re not buying anything”. By golly and we’re sticking to that, we’re firm in our resolve, I’m no sucker, I know how this stuff works. Wanna bet? Fact is Direct Buy is a hell of a program, particularly for us.
Fact is we can buy all the stuff we need for the house in Texas for a lot less than anywhere else. Considering we will recoup our investment in the first year the math works well.

When we got there it was a place with catalogs and samples covering all the walls. More stuff than you could ever find in just one store. William was the guy assigned to us and after getting a cup of coffee we were ushered into a room where we went through a well orchestrated presentation that was as good as anything I would design. He missed a few opportunities to nail down his points better but did well overall. I always taught in sales that people generally are motivated to buy because of either need, greed, or fear of loss. They effectively used all three. Now part of our agreement forbids us from telling the details so other than the math working I won’t say much.

After the presentation we sat down with William. He was a nice guy with one of those practically shaved head looks. We filled out forms that basically qualified us, insuring we fit their parameters. When he got done and asked for our decision I said I would like to talk with Cherie. We both had no question that this would be a smart thing but had two main issues. First was to pay for the initial fee, which had an easy payment program but even that was hard at this time. We have no credit cards due to the bankruptcy and the savings was drained by our repeated need to go to Texas. The other question was whether we could use the membership in Texas despite purchasing it in Toledo. Finding an answer to those questions we decided to sign up. So much for resolve but a resolve based on no information lacks common sense.

William had gotten to know us a little during the initial interview. I listed my occupation as both retired and being a writer. That sparked interest so he asked what I was writing. We told him a little about the coma, memory loss, and our love story. I also explained I was writing on religion and ran a few concepts by him. We always seem to have quite and impact on those we talk to and he wasn’t an exception.

William had a nice young woman, named Callie, to finish the paperwork. She had a bubbly happy personality with the energy that comes with youth. Sitting down she explained she had only worked there a few days but would do the best she could. Somewhere she spoke of her love story which I made her tell us. Then we told her ours. We do that allot because it’s what excites us still, even after two or more years. We also tell it because it touches people, making them feel good and smile. This it did for Callie who grabbed our hands and said she was happy she met us and wished us luck. William told us God bless, which is I’m sure was more than just his standard “We’re glad you’ve come on board” thing. I gave Callie the blog address and told her she would be in it. “Hi Callie!!”

We left and Cherie suggested we get some lunch. There was a Red Lobster next door and their adds have been driving me crazy so that’s where we went. Besides I was feeling good about making a decision that would save us several thousand dollars, actually cutting much of the cost of fixing up the house in half. Cherie is excited and was just busting as we ordered and waited for our food. “I’m going to be able to do everything the way I wanted to now” Cherie looked at me and said with that smile I’d pay a million bucks to see. As she spoke of what she envisioned for the house I could see her mind painting the pictures of how she wanted things to be. I love her excitement and share it also. We looked at each other and again spoke of how things seem to be coming together all at once. This includes the needs of those I help, finances, the farm, and many other pieces of a puzzle just falling in place. Like an outside hand is putting all this together.

We came home and talked more and more about the future we had before us. Cherie's Mom called and they had a nice talk. This was good as Cherie hasn't had much communication from family for a while with the exception of Nate's call the other day. Cherie hung up the phone and looking at me said "The ice is breaking". Then it came time for me to go over to see Wayne. Wayne had five pages written up for me about what he has gone through since being diagnosed with MS. We played a game of checkers and he did well, almost beating me without knowing I helped him look good to boost his morale. We talked of his MS and I explained to him what kind the doctor said he had. Someone working for the lawyer in Kentucky called me today about Wayne’s address so I need to make sure that’s done.

I called Barb after we finished the checkers game and she told me that Dixie decided she didn’t want to go, which is probably good considering her mental delicacy. Dee opted out also so Barb said it was just going to be her. I picked her up and could tell she was real nervous and uncomfortable about seeing her friend in a casket. She just talked and talked in her eleven year old way and I felt for her. When she said “I’ll have to go in there by myself” I told her “Barb, I’ll go in with you”. This brightened her up and I could see the relief on her face.

Finding the funeral home I led Barb in. Going into where Dawn was being showed Barb walked up to the casket. She didn’t get very close and after a glance turned and walked quickly back outside. I could tell how much this disturbed her and then Barb said “I gave her that dress she’s wearing”. She was trying hard not to cry so I told her she needed a hug, giving her one. Barb thanked me several times and said “You’re so nice” like the child she is inside from her brain injury. Barb talked and talked all the way home. Ever since Basil is gone she doesn’t have any one around much to talk to except when Dixie is doing good enough to come out.

Allen had called earlier to say he had woke up with a moment of clarity, feeling good about life for the first time. He asked me to come over and play video games like we used to and Cherie agreed it would be a good idea. I headed over there after getting Barb home. On the way to the East Side I went down Monroe Street. There was a car and pick up truck at the open front door of Jasche’s old pawn shop. I have been trying to find him for over a year without luck so I did a U turn and went back to see if it was him.

Walking up to the pickup bed, which was backed all the way up against the wall at the open door. There was a big guy pulling a six foot tall safe up to the door and I could hear Jasch in back of it. As they struggled I started laughing. The guy in front looked at me and said over the safe “There’s some guy out here laughing at me”. Jasch yelled back “Who is it”. “I don’t know, he’s just laughing” he replied while he kept his eye on me. I yelled “Come on Jasch, as much stuff as we’ve moved over the years you’d think you’d know how to do it”. “Who’s that” he inquired. “It’s Bob”. “Bob Westbrook? I’ll be damned. Come over here and help” Jasch said. I did and we did a quick catch up on things. Then I told him how to get this one ton hunk of steel in the back of his pick up and helped him do it. I got his business card and phone number and let him know I had to fly cause I was on my way to a friends.

Getting to Allen’s I called to let him know I was there so he came up and opened the door. Allen was doing OK though it was partly because he had taken some Oxy’s. He was more positive than I’ve seen him in a while. Allen was getting very confused about everything like how to make his sound work with the Game Boy and what game to play. I did my best to keep things on an even keel but my mind can’t process fast enough to play the video game. Despite my explaining that in detail to Allen over five times he didn’t seem to get it and handed me the controls with a “you play”. After ten seconds I handed it back. “Don’t give it to me again Allen. I can’t do it” I told him. It got too much to handle by 10:00 so I told him I had to go.

It was a relief to come home and see Cherie’s smiling face. I fixed a bowl of cereal and then laid in bed. Cherie claimed her “spot” on my shoulder and fell asleep. I loved just holding her while she slept away, snoring contentedly in my arms. Wouldn’t trade these moments for a million dollars, it is just too right. I think that is a good note to end this entry on folks. Goodnight, do good.

Early start and a good one.

3/11/06 Saturday
I was up at 4:00 this morning. Looked at things on the web for a bit and then went back to bed. Told Cherie to roll on her side cause that stops the sleep apnea or whatever it’s called where her sinuses kind of shut off her breathing. This results in a snore that is loud and will abruptly stop as the sinuses close up. I then sit there waiting to hear the snore again because it signals she is breathing. Kinda disturbing to wait to hear if your wife will breath. Being on her side generally stops this. Really didn’t go back to sleep, just dozed.

Now we are both up. I am making Cherie laugh and telling her how beautiful she is as I do every morning. Life is good and we will make sure it stays that way. They ran more about Chris Reeves and his wife Dana. One of the things they showed Dana saying, back when Chris was still alive and she was caring for him, was that they had learned to enjoy every moment.

This is one of the philosophies I developed after the coma and one Cherie and I both adhere to. We lost so many years together with the divorce twenty years ago but now are making up for lost time. Actually I think it would be more accurate to say we make the most of every moment. Not everything is enjoyable but that is life. We live our lives in a way that there is nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. The time we have we spend doing things that are positive and will help others improve their lives. It doesn’t always work with others but when all is said and done we can look back and say “At least we tried”. To look back and see a disaster you could have perhaps stopped and realize you sat there and did nothing is a hard thing. I won’t allow that, I will always be able to say “I did my best”. I understand there will be times that my best wasn’t good enough but that is life. I might not do to good but my motives will always be right.

We are getting ready for our day. First will be the Direct Buy sales pitch. We will look at that carefully. After all we have a house and home to create in Texas but I will have to see beyond the hype and examine if their prices and quality are truly as cheap as they purport in the infomercials. Come to think of it I’ll go online now and see what comes up there.

I love the internet. You can find anything you need, with limits but not many. It seems that Direct Buy is a franchise operation with franchises covering different geographical areas. There are very few complaints registered with the BBB and most of those were resolved. There is a noticeable difference between franchises, which is a reflection in the management of each entity. I’m not sure but the buy in for this purchasing club may be as much as $4000. That is not clearly indicated anywhere. The organization here will not help us in Texas so we are just going for the money today. I always love dealing with professional salesmen cause I used to teach whole companies how to do this. I have too much fun saying things to the salesperson like “Oh, an alternate choice would have worked well there. I love it, you did the Ben Franklin close really good.” Throws them right off their game. Yeah, I can be mean but I do respect professionalism. Try to strong arm me you better watch out.

I’ve been in sales all my life and started out with the street hustle, where we would blow into a business carrying several cheap laser prints. Just walk into the showroom filled with the business’s customers and start laying out the pictures and laying out a spiel. It would go like this. “We just remodeled the hotel down the road and we’ve got all these left over. My boss told me to get rid of these. You know they are laser developed photographs. Some of them were taken by XXX. You heard of him right? He’s the guy that took pictures for National Geographic. Hey! Macy’s sells these for $300 but you’d like it if I said you could get one for only $45 wouldn’t you”. Then we would close. Basically anything we got over ten dollars we put in our pocket.

I’ll talk more about this later. We just got back from the Direct Buy thing and I am tired. Need to lay down for a bit.

Rough news

Ate a peanut butter on toast with honey to see if that helps give me energy and to speed up. Didn’t work. Called Allen to check on him. He is depressed because his mom is back in the hospital. She is grossly overweight and has broken her hips and other bones from falls. Add to that she is diabetic. Now she has a staff infection with one of the germs that has evolved to being resistant to most antibiotics. Doesn’t look good. I still need to lay down so will do so whether I want to or not. I am slowing down.

Not bad. I only lost two hours. A little nap and I am back up to speed. Well up to a 7 on the Bob scale. Now I’ll check on E mail and continue labeling and sorting the pictures I was working on earlier today.

The doctor from MUO whom I had set the appointment for Wayne with just called me. We talked about Wayne’s needs. Evidently he had not followed up on an appointment that had been set for last year. I never knew about it. The bad news is that Wayne has what is called Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis for which there is no medication that has shown any improvement. The doctor will talk to Wayne and I about this when I take him in to his appointment in April. I need to go online and learn more about this. Better do it now before it vanishes again from this porous brain.

This is depressing. Not much hope for Wayne. There are several in the support group who have had MS for well over 20 years and that gave Wayne a kind of hope. I don’t yet understand what all this means but will work harder to see that his remaining years are as good as possible. Got to get him out of cracktown and hopefully around people who are better. There is no one to fellowship with where he lives now and he keeps the bowie knife close in case of one of the crackheads trying to rob him. He did keep his shotgun there but I told him to put it away. This was for two reasons. The first is because of his suicidal thoughts and the second is if it got out he had a gun someone would for sure break in to steal it.

This really upsets me. The assholes at Social Security have been dicking around for three years now and preventing him from getting the disability that would make such a difference in the last years of his life. That burns me. The doctors with the DDS program that is paid by the federal government but run by the state did not even bother to send in paperwork after seeing Wayne. I bet they got their bill out fast. This is corruption on a state wide level. When we went to Congresswoman Marcy Kaptur’s office we were told that this is not unusual at all. So it is a known problem but no one seems to be doing anything. It is time for this pen to start writing. I’ve always been good at getting into trouble. Now I am going to be good at starting trouble for good causes. Piss me off, ya just motivate me.

Cherie came home while I was writing the previous paragraph so I was kinda down. I went into the bedroom to think on things and I heard her cell phone ring. It was Nate. He reads this blog and saw my entry about no one from the family calling Cherie so he called. That was a surprise but also a good thing to do. It helped brighten Cherie up pretty good. I’m quite impressed also though I am hesitant to even write this. Never know how something will be taken, kinda like walking on eggshells. Like I said the other day, I’m not used to tippy toeing. At least something good seems to be happening. Hey! I’m impressed. That’s a compliment. OK?

Tomorrow I take Barb and Dixie to the funeral home. That is at 6:00 in the evening but in the morning we go to the Direct Buy place and get to try the key they sent in the mail to see if we win a $25,000 home makeover. Of course we have to listen to a ninety minute sales pitch first. Fun Fun, can’t wait. That is a result of filling an entry out at the home show. We are guaranteed to win two prizes so I will bet on the Chef’s knife set. I doubt Chefs would use the knives but maybe I could throw them at snakes when we move to Texas. Who knows, we might win. Stay tuned, I’ll let you in on the sordid details. Good night all. Tell your friends to come read this blog. Who knows what's going to happen but I will try to rock the government boat/

Got stuff done

I whipped this up for my grandmother on her 98th birthday.

Got the entry published and am now at the church with Barb, Dixie, and Dee, who lives next door to Barb. Barb brought some clothes in to donate to the church. It usually takes them a while to get their food so I should have a chance to organize and label pictures. I also need to make my to do list. One of the things is to E mail the lawyer Wayne’s information so she can start on his case.

After taking their food home I took Barb and Dixie to the store for garbage bags and other stuff they needed. I just got home and checked my E mail. There was a comment from the blog (I have them sent to my E mail to make sure I see them) Evidently they would like more information on Jim Watson, the founder of Mission Toledo and other “ministries” across the country whom I suspect to be a scam artist. He wasn’t terribly clear so I left my E mail address so the individual can talk with me directly about what he would like to know.

Sharon, from the MS Society returned my call. She gave me some names of doctors who deal with MS so I can get Wayne the care he needs. Right now I will be calling to get Wayne an appointment.
I got a hold of MUO and come to find out Wayne is listed with two of the doctors in the neurology department. Evidently Wayne was to follow up on that and didn’t. I will have to take part of the blame for that because I took him to those appointments. I didn’t get my self listed on his paperwork and if I knew Wayne was to follow up I did not write it down in my calendar. With me, if it’s not written down it doesn’t happen. Wayne’s memory is worsening so that doesn’t help. I have said it is like the blind leading the blind. I got an appointment for Wayne in April.

Now I need to E mail the attorney in Kentucky for Wayne to give her vital information for her to take the case. Got that done. I am wearing out and it is only 1:00 but that’s the way it goes. I need to call the storage place and see if the deal they offered at the home show still stands. Then I need to arrange for labor to help us get things moved. Was going to pay Nate but they seem to be busy being offended. I don’t know cause they don’t talk. Poor Cherie hasn’t got a call and she didn’t do a thing. I left a message with Eileen to see if Calvin and Terry would be interested in making a few bucks. Right now I think I need to lay down for a short time.

Frantic start

3/10/06 Friday
Frantic start for the morning. Cherie woke up and turned her alarm off before it sounded then fell back asleep. Not a good idea. She was in frenzy mode as she rushed to get ready. I couldn’t go online for some reason with the Wi Fi so I was a bit frustrated also. Bad combination. When I fumbled with Cherie’s computer to check my E mail and blog I was a bit short when I asked Cherie if she had the blog on favorites so she presumed she had made me mad.

I picked up some stuff Fred had for Barb because I will be taking them to the Pilgrim Church for the Feed Your Neighbor program. It is important to get to this one early because the good stuff disappears fast. That is partly because they don’t supervise the recipients and many take advantage of that, stuffing as much as they can into their bags. Not unusual for those who live in poverty. Unfortunately many of them are poor because of drug use and that goes hand in hand with criminal activity. Thus get what you can, the hell with everyone else attitude prevails. On the other hand it is the poor who sacrifice the most to help others in need so it is not good to lump everyone in the same category.

I called Jeff at ten after to see if he was going to make it to our breakfast at the Waffle House. When he answered the phone you could hear the embarrassment in his voice. He was halfway to Columbus where he had a meeting with Workers Comp and had forgotten to let me know. I went ahead and ordered and got this laptop out to make this entry.

A young guy at the counter asked if I could hook up to a Wireless connection. We got to talking after he said he was able to do that while in Iraq. I told him my son was over there and when asked let him know Bruce was stationed in Mosul. He had been in Bagdad with one of the army units that got out into the action. Nice kid and good to talk with him.

Still can’t go online through the wireless at home so will do the dial up to publish this entry, maybe.

Good day. Lots done despite being slow

I am back from the MS luncheon. Wayne was doing fairly good. The president of the local chapter of the MS Society was there along with a lady named Chris, who is a rep for Serano and Pfizor. I’m not quite sure but both names are on her business card. She is a nurse with credentials for MS and knows allot about the drugs used to treat it. There is much that went on in the luncheon but I must wait to write for I need to process everything and before that I need to look up the stuff for Virginia now, before I forget again. It’s been two days I have needed to do this. I wasn’t too slow at the luncheon but having a hard time now. Better concentrate on doing just one thing.

It is 7:00 now. We have eaten dinner and Cherie got the Cool Whip I had asked for so I used it to tone down the chocolate pudding I made from scratch yesterday. Even mixed half and half it was rich. Next time I will use half the chocolate. Hey! That’s how you learn. I didn’t have a recipe for chocolate pudding so I used the vanilla one and put baker’s chocolate in it. Pretty good just a bit too much.

I am doing better cognizance wise, running about a 7 on the B scale. (Hmm. The initials for that would be the B.S. scale) Anyway one of the weird things about this brain injury is this. Sometimes it’s the mental capability that is affected where I can’t process information quickly and forget more. But sometimes, like now, it is the area of this brain that controls the physical aspects that is affected. Right now I am hobbling around like I’m 85, taking short shuffling steps. My right leg, which is partly paralyzed from the TBI, is more numb than usual and I have a harder time knowing where it is. That is why it is hard for me to go down stairs because I have to look at my foot to make sure it is on the step. Anyway it is a physical slow down this time.

Denise is the one in the middle.
Back to the MS luncheon. It is always inspirational to be there. Denise came in without her walker. She is a fighter and a gutsy one at that. Her tremors are so bad that in order to talk she had to hold her head still with her hands. I have written about her before. For Denise everything is a struggle. To get a bite of food on a fork, to get the fork up to her mouth with out losing the bite, and even to get that bite into her mouth is always a monumental task with many failures. Yet she keeps fighting. The very fact that she walked in without her walker is a testament to her spirit. Sure she had someone beside her to provide an arm for her to support herself. But by golly she came in without the walker, and entered like a marathon racer crossing the finish line in first place.

Damn! Talk about guts. Who am I to complain about anything that makes my life a little bit harder? Like I have said before, “I used to complain about having no shoes till I met a man with no feet”. This is why I pretty much force Wayne to come to these luncheons. It helps him to see these spirits and puts his situation in perspective. He has thanked me several times now for jumping down his throat for “Whining”. I was pretty blunt and told him I was tired of hearing his whiney ass. You can find that in one of my earlier entries. Just put the word whiney on the search engine at the top of this blog to find it. There are a few now I have done this with who woke up. Kind of like a slap in the face saying “Wake up”. Of course there are always those who refuse to see themselves as they truly are. These are the sad ones who have some hard times ahead.

The luncheon covered some real good stuff. It seems that the MS Society has a new CEO or whatever title he/she has. They are in the process of reevaluating the organization, what they do, and how they do it. They are asking for input from all the local chapters wanting to learn from those who are “in the trenches” if you will. Now we get street level. I will be writing Wayne’s story and giving it to Jacqueline Pratt, the chapter president. She will be taking this, along with her other stories and concepts to the national headquarters.

Right now Wayne is writing an outline that I will work with to tell his story. When it is done I will also publish it here. I explained to Wayne that this will help develop policies the MS Society will implement on a national level and will also be used to encourage the Federal government to make needed changes. “Wayne, this could help thousands of others with MS not go through what you did” I told him. He is excited about this and when I talked to him a few minutes ago he said he already had three pages written.

The reason I talked to him a few minutes ago is that I got a call from a lawyer in Kentucky. One of the women at the luncheon, who’s name I can’t remember (but she’ll forgive me) gave me this lawyer’s name and number. Her name is Sally Edward and she only takes MS disability cases. It seems her husband had MS and died because of it. I don’t know for sure because I only talked with her for about five minutes but the problems he went through with his disability may have inspired her to do this. She agreed to take Wayne’s case even though it involves an eight hour drive to get here.

When we got done talking she called me an angel. I was getting a similar input at the luncheon. They asked me why I was working so hard for Wayne, or something like that, I really can’t remember how it was put. I told them what I have told many others. “It’s because I died. When I woke up from the coma I had a month to lay there and think. My life is a gift and I am giving that gift to as many as I can. I used to be a successful businessman and then I was carrying everything I owned in a garbage bag. That helped me reevaluate what really matters in life. Money and things will vanish away. The only thing that lasts is the lives you touch”. It is a well rehearsed speech now but remains the core of what I believe and is the truth. I’m not real comfortable with being called an angel and stuff but it feels good. Besides that, at one time in my life I was called allot worse than that. Angel is allot better than asshole though some still call me that.

The drug rep gave me some valuable information about programs the drug companies have to provide medication for people like Wayne who are basically poor. All Wayne has is foodstamps and $115 a month that I fought Family Services to get for him. Not much to live on but I also got him his section 8 housing which only costs him $35 a month with his utilities paid for. Everyone else at the luncheon (all but two have MS) have medication specifically for MS. Wayne gets nothing but a pain killer and muscle relaxant. I’ll make sure that will change.

This is Virginia with my grandmother.
I reckon you can tell I am doing better cause I’m writing so much. Oh yeah! I did find that stuff for Virginia. We talked for a long time. Just looked on the cell phone and it was 48 minutes. I never talk that long but Virginia is different. (I know you’ll read this Virginia so Hi) She is becoming a good friend and is someone I have great respect and actually admiration for. Virginia has done much at great personal sacrifice for my grandmother, who is her mother’s sister. I get confused how this all works but Virginia said she is my second cousin. All I know is she proved trustworthy and for me trust is on the top of the ladder.

I suppose I should call it a night. Cherie and I still look into each other’s eyes with wonder at the miracle we are together. It is and always will be an amazing thing. I told her again that I have never been this happy and never imagined I ever would be. Cherie said she had just given up, lost all hope of being truly happy. God we are blessed. Good night all. See you tomorrow.

Foggy morning

3/9/06 Thursday
Good morning. I’m not doing bad but not real sharp. Running about a 6 on the Bob scale. The right leg is not too much there so the limp is pronounced. Carman kitty is up here on the bed demanding some attention or at least to be close. Big purrs as he settles next to me.
I never did get around to finding the paperwork Virginia needs. Kept getting distracted with the common result of that task vanishing from this mind. That is part of why they say I am disabled. I am much better than I was before Cherie and I got back together. I had no real stability, nothing I could count on. One of the things that bring out my problem is change. It even took me a while to settle in this apartment where Cherie and I live. Every morning I would wake and it was like I was in a strange place. I would be disoriented till I realized where I was. Once everything became familiar I could relax and feel secure. This reduction in stress has a direct effect on my cognitive state.

Now that I am up and moving I can see that I need to revise my Bob scale level. I am running at a 4, not too good. Should have known from the limp as that is a direct barometer of brain function. I cooked eggs and bacon with gravy and the biscuits left from last night. I had a real problem making quick simple decisions. I had eggs frying and needed to juggle warming up biscuits, getting milk out, flour for gravy, and maybe something else. This freezes me up when I am slow so I had to drop everything and figure out what to concentrate on. Multitasking is not something I can do anymore unless I am running an 8 or 9. At those times it almost scares Cherie to see how sharp I am. Just a glimpse of who I used to be.

Today I will take Wayne to the Multiple Sclerosis luncheon. He didn’t make the last one because his pain level was way up. I went and had a major slow down in the middle of the discussion. Normally this is embarrassing but it wasn’t because of the people there. There is an understanding among those who have disabilities and share similar symptoms. I hope I speed up before I get Wayne and go. Pretty rough right now, like walking through a fog.

I called Barb to let her know I will take her and Dixie to the funeral home Saturday for Dawn. Fred just called and asked me to take his garbage out. He also reminded me to stop by and pick up the roast he bought for Barb when I head out tomorrow. I will meet Jeff for breakfast and then pick up Barb, Dixie, and others to take them to Pilgrims church for the food program.

I will be leaving to get Wayne now. Should take some aspirin cause I think a headache is coming.

The end of another day

This is part of what's left at the warehouse. I will soon be allowed to find what little remains of my personal property'

I’m like Toledo weather. Just wait a while and I will change. I got a burst of energy and the brain moved up to an 8 on the Bob scale. I cleaned the kitchen and started some of my famous leftover stew. It is never the same because the ingredients are whatever needed to be cleared out of the fridge. I try to insure that there is nothing rotten in it but you never know. I figure that if you cook it long enough you kill practically everything that might harm you. If that isn’t true I will be making my next entry from the hospital. I’ll eat some before Cherie gets home to make sure cause I don’t want her to get sick. There are some meatballs, chicken, tough dry roast beef, rice, green pepper, soft potatoes, carrots, onions, and lots of spice to cover up the flavors. Yum Yum. Or should I say Ooh Ooh. Tell ya later.

Now I got some good news. Just called River East and talked to Holly. Channel 11 called and that had its desired result. Don Monroe said they didn’t need any negative publicity right now. The power of the pen wins out again. They will let me come in and get what I want out of the warehouse. Now I have to figure out how to do it.

Well the stew was good. It tasted good and we didn’t get sick so I mark that up as a success. I fixed some chocolate pudding from scratch and it’s good but too rich. We’ll have to get some cool whip to lighten it up. I am pretty tired. Good night.

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the Gardai.
The Garda said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The Garda said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The Garda said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"


I sent this and some of the Engrish stuff I think is funny to Bruce. Also sent it to Adam with the hope it will open the door he seems to have closed to me.




I’m back from taking Fred to get food. We went to Kroger first. He was energetic but got real picky fast. I could tell his budget was tight today. Fred also was pretty indecisive, having a hard time making up his mind and then changing it often. No problem, I just did what I always do. “Fred, that costs $1.99” I would say and he would reply “That’s too much. There’s no way I’ll pay that much” so we would move on to the next item.

The meat was the most difficult as always. Kroger was having a buy one get one free on roasts. There was a minor frenzy there but Fred worked his way in. Then it was on. Fred would pick up a package and fondle it, trying to see with his fingers. “How much is this” he would ask and I would tell him. He went through every package, picking some up several times, unaware he had already looked at it. Mean time there are many other shoppers trying to get meat there and because I had to be Fred’s eyes we were both in the way.

One lady got rude and tried to shove in between us. I tend to not be tolerant or very nice in such situations so I told her “Your ass can wait till he’s done”. She quickly grabbed two packages without looking at them and moved on. After all that Fred decided not to get anything. I was happy to get out of that fray but Fred stayed in that mode for the rest of the store. I was glad when he said “Let’s get out of here”. Checking out Fred wanted to go to the Pharm because they have eggs on sale. That was a little better but not much.

Now I am home and pretty worn out. Slowed down a little. Running about a 5 or 6. I think I will get some stew going to use up the rest of the roast that I didn’t do a good job with yesterday. Then either carve or lay down. Researched an E mail notification that we had won 82,000 pounds in the UK lottery. There really is such a lottery but the E mail is the scam I suspected it was. Bummer, I’m not British rich. Hey, I’m rich with things you can’t buy with money. I got my wife and my life. Everything else pales in comparison.
Oh! Just saw the note Cherie left for me to look up stuff for Virginia. That’s why we do the notes cause I will forget it several times in a day. Just leave that sucker out where I can’t miss it and I will eventually get it done. There is some cold dishwater I poured this morning and forgot about. Nothing unusual there.

Good Morning

 This is by my favorite artist, Beverly Doolittle. Click the image to make it larger. If you look carefully you can see a wolf in the paw print. This is her trademark. Everywhere we go we leave an imprint. Make yours a good one.

3/8/06 Wednesday
Good morning world. It is another day of sharing our lives with all who wish to watch the unfolding miracle of our love story and my second chance at life. Among my motives for this is to raise awareness of Traumatic Brain Injury. Mine is minor compared to many others and that makes things harder as many can’t see any obvious signs of it. Then they think I am faking, stupid, or have a mental illness. Some just think I am a rude or obnoxious person.

I would write and print up fliers that I would hand to medical professionals and others in an attempt to gain understanding. I quit doing that as it seemed to make things worse. It helped some of the medical folks understand my need for written communication to compensate for the short term memory loss.

However the church Cherie and I were excited to go to and got married, Cedar Creek in Rossford Ohio, was a different story. One of their pastors suggested I find a mental health agency and then sent us a letter saying “Perhaps you would be better off finding another church”. They then had the leader of the home group we were involved in tell us we were no longer welcome there. This just tore us up as we were developing friendships with the participants, or at least we thought we were. These “loving Christians” had no problem rejecting us. Not only tossing us like a hot potato but drop kicking us out. How “Christ like” they are. I’m sure God is proud of them just as they must be proud of themselves. Enough of this revelation of our pain.

I am fairly sharp this morning, running a 7 on the Bob scale. I am scheduled to take Fred to the grocery store this afternoon. I will clean the kitchen, do some writing, and maybe get back to the wood carving I love to do. I just saw a note I had Cherie put out to remind me to look up paperwork about my grandmothers annuity for Virginia, who is the executer of her will. (That is how I get things done, little notes and reminders for tasks I need to do) I better do that first before I forget. Time to turn off the TV and get moving. 

It's good to end the day positive.

That came on quick. It is 7:00 and I have a migraine. Ironically enough it started while ABC news was running a story on migraines. I just turned off the TV, the bedroom computer (Because it is noisy) and turned the brightness on this laptop screen to it’s minimum. Took all the pills I usually do for this. That would be two aspirin, one Tramadol, and a Zomig. It will be a half hour or so before I know if that works. Usually does but when it doesn’t I’m in trouble. I think I will check E mail and shut this down to curl up in this bed with Carman kitty.

9:34 – At about 8:00 Cherie let me know that Virginia had left a message on the home phone that she had some questions. I called her about a half hour ago to see what was up. The questions were in regard to Lee’s civil service annuity. I will have to look up stuff in Lee’s paperwork about it. Virginia needed to know how old Larry and I are because that info was part of what they needed. Beats me why but that is the government.
We had a nice conversation and then Cherie talked with Virginia for a while. We are both looking forward to moving there. We talked about how things are here in Toledo and the issues with family here. Virginia has seen a few things in her life and had an understanding of things. She liked the pictures I put on the blog of some of those I help.
Speaking of that Allen called a little before I called Virginia. He thanked me for what I did for him and said he had used his food stamp card for the first time Monday. He said that he could tell everybody at the check out was looking at him so I explained that was not unusual, that it was part of his embarrassment of being on government assistance, or welfare if you will. I felt the same way when I first used foodstamps in St Louis. It is hard for a man who has worked hard most, or in my case much, of his life to accept help.

This pride is what kept Allen from seeking the help he needed for four years, resulting in his self medication and the depletion of all his resources. Allen told me he is learning to swallow his pride and made sure to let me know he is working hard to follow the path I laid out for him. That was good to hear. I hope I have saved another life. This time that of an old friend. I explained I had a severe migraine a couple of times to Allen but he needed to talk so I let him, holding the phone away from my ear because of my sensitivity to sound at these times.

I am doing better now. The migraine is still here but the medicine barrage reduced it to tolerable levels. Right now I have the TV on PBS, which has an easy listening music ensemble that includes harp and piano. This works well with the volume turned low. I went out to give Cherie a kiss and the light hurt my eyes but I would be glad to endure much more than that for a kiss from her. Enough of that mushy stuff cause I don’t want to make any of you out there envious because of how good our love is. Cherie just came in with some of the over the counter sleep aids I use and a glass of juice to get them down. I told her I was the luckiest man in the world and she laughed that gigglish laugh that makes my heart smile. I told her I was just writing about her and she said “You always write about me”. Yeah I do. Sorry folks, I’ve got it bad but can’t complain. I write what’s on my mind so bear with me. Now it’s 10:30 and I should go to sleep but am wide awake, I’m sure that’s partly because I had stayed in bed with the headache. At least the brain is sharp. I’m running a 9 on the Bob scale.

Death is certain. Life is not.

Fred also said Barb had called and asked if I could take her to cash her check when she got it and go to the store. I said that would be no problem and would call her from the Dollar Tree when I got done to see if the check had arrived. It had so I headed straight over. When I got there Barb told me that Dawn had died last night. She had found out when Dawn’s lesbian partner of seventeen years came to her door this morning crying.

Dawn is one of the people in Barb’s complex I help. She has had congestive heart failure and her health was delicate so this was no surprise. She had been getting weaker over the last few months and I have had to carry the groceries I took her to get for her. Barb found her unconscious on the floor last week so Dawn has been in the hospital ever since. Evidently her kidney gave out and poisoned her whole system. I don’t think Dawn was too old, perhaps thirty eight or so but, like the others, she lived a hard life and her physical condition is a result of that.

Again the consequences of poor decisions linger for a lifetime and often cannot be avoided. “You reap what you sow” is a principal that holds true. You can find it repeated in different ways in most of the religions of the world. Be it Karma or reincarnation or whatever. If you live by the sword you die by the sword. Death is inescapable. I had the good fortune of dying once and coming back. Hey! I’m lucky. I get to die twice, but I guarantee you this, I will live a life I can be proud of and I intend to leave a mark behind that is a good one. The only thing that remains after death is the lives you touch. That tells what kind of man you were. Money and possessions vanish away upon death, dispersed out like dust blown by the wind.

In all this I forgot I was to cook dinner so I rushed to get the roast in. I usually cook it slow over a period of hours but pushed it. Come to find out it was still frozen despite being in the fridge for two days. I seared it and got it going. Who knows how it will turn out. There was a ton of liquid that came out of it so it may be tough and dry. Part of this will be from it being frozen as the ice crystals tear the meat.


Oh yeah, here’s some pictures Bruce E mailed me from Iraq. One is a Russian truck they use and one he called the General Dynamics striker. That’s the mosque looking building. Don’t have a clue what it is. Maybe a power plant or something. The last one is a bunker in Kuwait that was hit by one of our bunker buster bombs




Anyway it has been a day and I am tired. Got a slight headache but that don’t bother me. Cherie is home and this is time I spend with her so this journal is done for now. Got more important things to do, like love my wife. See ya.

Some times things just get a little prickly. For some protection comes from being nasty of you get to close. Unfortunately it keeps good away also.

I’m fixing the Bruce Springsteen CD’s I ripped and placed on Cherie’s computer. It didn’t do it right yesterday so I went on line and updated her Media Player along with other updates for Microsoft programs. As I reload this I am listening to the music and the words, the poetry, the ability to tell a story in a short time, are inspirational. These are things I need to learn and develop to pursue being a writer. They are glimpses of things Bruce has seen and felt. There are so many glimpses in my life that are…well, powerful, emotional, sad, happy, and revealing.

One of the things I wish to do when we reach Texas is take some writing courses. This is where the power is. The ability to not just tell a story but make those who hear feel it, to transport them so they are there with you and can see what you saw. I have lived many lives and seen much. There is wealth in my memories. Things that can open eyes and bring understanding. Things that can help some be better and live better by possibly helping them avoid the mistakes I have made. This would be a legacy I can be proud of for these words will last long after I am gone. Whether anyone will read them I don’t know but if I help one person that will be enough.

11:00 Time to take Fred out.
Got Fred out to the bank where he took care of his problem. Then we went to the Dollar Tree where he got a list of stuff. I ran him over to Radio Shack after to get him the light bulbs for his reader. He looked for an antenna for Barb’s TV but they didn’t really have one that was cheap. He was out of steam by then and had to get on his breather before I drove him home.

Now I need to take care of something that is a result of a previous entry. Common sense and kids seldom go together.
Fred just called and said he was double charged for the Ajax he got at the Dollar Tree so I got to go back and get his dollar.

Good Morning

3/7/06 Tuesday
Good morning. It is a bright sunny cloudless morning with an outside temperature of 20 degrees. That will rise to the 40’s so about as good as it gets. I had angry dreams again this morning and it took a while to wake up. There is nothing scheduled today, at least not so far, so I will spend some time online researching legal procedures for Eileen to establish her common law status. I also will continue pursuing Wayne’s Social Security disability as well as getting him access to medical help for his Multiple Sclerosis. Perhaps I will carve.

I am not a person who is good at tippy toeing around or not saying what I think. This is frustrating as I continue to watch stupidity being posted on a blog of someone I know. What people are proud of is kind of sad, especially when they post it and say “Hey! Look what I did. My mommy would be proud of me. And I am so happy to be causing more problems”. (I’m speaking metaphorically and I suppose being sarcastic at the same time). I am sure I will hear about this from those who are offended by the truth. It is just sad to see. I had the F’ you attitude for a good part of my life and it only took about fifty years to learn life would have been much better without it.

Nuff said there. Cherie and I are looking forward to Texas but I explained to her that while it will help to not see things that tears her heart out daily, they won’t go away. It will be easier on her in Texas, because she will be able to focus on things other than what’s up here in Toledo. I just know, from a lifetime of experience, that things generally get worse before they get better. We will help as best we can but have been pretty much shunted out of the picture. It hurt Cherie greatly when she got a call to inform her of the death of a friends mom and the caller did not even ask how Cherie was doing. Rejection is a hard thing as is cold indifference.

Fred just called and would like me to take him to the bank so he can straighten up a problem. Then he wants to go to the dollar store and probably a couple of others providing his lungs can hold out. He still won’t carry his oxygen tank. That reminds me. Barb is quitting smoking because she has a lung infection in addition to seeing what smoking did to Fred. That’s real good. I got Wayne to quit but Allen and Eileen haven’t been able to. Eileen has so much stress that quitting would just make worse so I suppose she is better off now smoking.

It’s time to get ready to be his chauffer. Fred kept saying “If you don’t mind” when he asked about me taking him places. To fill new readers in, Fred’s eyesight deteriorated to the point he can’t drive and can’t even see to shop. As a result he lets me use his Cadillac if I drive him around and act as his eyes. I told Fred “Fred, don’t say “If you don’t mind”, you know I don’t and that I am grateful for the use of your car”. Fred said that he just didn’t want to interfere with my plans. That is nice but helping others gives value to my life as well as giving me something to do in spite of my disability.

I just checked my E mail and got some pictures from my son in Iraq. So gotta go.

Long day Long entry

Just as this tree is coming back to life, so shall we be breathing life back into this farm. We look forward to making this home and thus leaving behind the things which trouble our hearts. It is new life we look forward to and a new life we will be building from scratch here at the farm.
I’m up and going. Cherie and I started out with a little friction when I mentioned something regarding family. Oh well. This is a part of all marriages but we know to not allow things to grow into something big. We do this by talking with each other and being honest. Honesty is a spotlight that reveals things so they can be repaired. It also is something some flee back into darkness because of what it reveals.


I called Wayne to make sure he was up and he was. He told me that Social Security doesn’t open until 9:00 so that will make things tight. I’ll have him at the door at 9:00 so we can make his 9:30 appointment with LMHA. There was a light dusting of snow but the roads retained enough heat to melt it. I reckon I should fix a breakfast cause it’ll be a long day.

Well I got Wayne all squared away. I got him to Social Security at ten after nine. There was already a line so we had to wait. I guess LMHA does their reviews at the same time cause many there were also getting their proof of income. Getting Wayne’s I rushed to LMHA, getting there at 9:37. Don’t know why I hurried cause I knew we would have to wait anyway.

The review went well as I knew it would because Wayne’s situation has not changed. He has a new caseworker named Jeannine Hummel and she seems to be pretty sharp and compassionate. We talked a bit after she learned who I was. I told the story of how I met Cherie and all that. It had the usual effect, one of delight or whatever word you use to describe the “Oh! That’s wonderful” thing. I’ll probably think of it later but can’t access it at the moment.

Right now I am at Wayne’s and will play a game of checkers as brain exercise. Wayne needs to get a copy of his bank statement to LMHA. I got confused as I do sometimes. I was telling Wayne that he needed to get a copy of the bank statement to family services. Then I went on about there was something else he needed. Wayne sat there puzzled as I insisted on this. “Wayne, you know you can’t trust your memory, that’s why you need to write everything down”. Come to find out I was the one not remembering. I got Wayne confused with Allen. I was so sure of myself that Wayne was starting to believe that he had forgotten me taking him to Family Services. Then it dawned on me. Oops. I apologized but Wayne was OK with it. We played a game of checkers and I was going to have him win. He had three kings and I only had one left but he made a mistake that I couldn’t pretend not to see so I won. Oh well. I tried.

Barb had called and asked if I would be willing to take Dixie to cash her check and get some groceries. “That’s fine Barb” I told her. Then I asked about the laundry and Barb said she was going to spend her laundry money on food. “No Barb, you need to get your clothes washed. I’ll pay for the laundry” I said in my no arguments voice. She couldn’t argue with that deal so agreed.

I finished the game with Wayne and went over there. Dixie was out and about which is good considering her tendency to hide for days because of the schizophrenia. She was kind of bock and forth about going to the store and when I asked if she would also like to get her laundry done that really made it hard. It took Barb and I about fifteen minutes to convince her to do both. “Come on Dixie, you get to ride in a Cadillac with a chauffeur. It’ll be fun and you can style in the back” I said to get her to laugh and relax. It worked so off we went.

I took her to the bank to cash her check and then we headed to Kroger. This is one of those poor memory days. When we got to Kroger I pulled up and then, looking around said “Oh man, we forgot to go to the bank”. It was one of those mind farts I used to have on a regular basis. The girls laughed and told me “We already went to the bank Bob, what’s wrong with you?”. With that I remembered and felt a little foolish but not too bad. It helps that Barb also has brain damage and has the same problem so she understands. Keeps the embarrassment down.

Dixie didn’t go to do laundry despite my offer to pay for her also. I took pictures of her and Barb though Dixie wasn’t to hot on the idea. For that matter neither was Barb but I convinced them by saying it was for my journal and would help me remember them when I move to Texas. That worked so here they are.

I got Barb to the laundry mat after heading in the wrong direction. This is one of those get lost days and Barb had to remind me where the laundry was despite my taking her there many times. I got quarters and gave Barb what she needed. Because I knew I would be taking Barb to the laundry I told Cherie I would do ours also. Getting everything going I asked Barb if she was hungry because I had to go to the bank and was going to stop at Taco Bell. She wasn’t so I took off, confident I knew where the bank and Taco Bell was. Somehow I missed Laskey road, which required me driving right past it. Once I figured out I was way off course I got myself going in the right direction. I found the bank but never did find Taco Bell so settled for Burger King.

Getting back to the laundry mat I gave Barb more quarters for the drier. Then I got my stuff in the drier also and sat down with this laptop to record events before I forgot them. I showed Barb photo’s of the farm and we talked about her brain damage and memory loss. It is pretty much the same picture as me. She said one of the good things was that she could watch the same video over and over again like it was the first time. For you new readers I suppose I should clue you in on today’s cast of characters.


Barb incurred her brain damage some fifteen years ago when two people came running out of the carry-out they had just robbed and tried to take her car. Barb threw her keys in the snow so they beat her with a tire iron, splitting her skull open. This damage was severe enough to drop her to about a ten or eleven year old level. She had already lived a hard life that included severe alcoholism and drug addiction. Now she lost custody of her children and then watched her mother die slowly of a brain tumor. She is a good person at heart, feeding and caring for many in her complex. Unfortunately many take advantage of her goodness and condition. I do what I can but have limits.


Dixie is also a woman who has seen the darker side of life. I believe she was a stripper and lived in that realm. She has a daughter and grandkids that she gets to see some. Unfortunately she is schizophrenic and is taken away on a regular basis, sometimes in a straight jacket. She has a phobia of germs that leads to manic and harmful behavior. Dixie has washed her hands till raw and bleeding and will use bleach and rubbing alcohol on everything, including her raw hands. They took all the glass cups and dishes away because she would wash them repeatedly and break them. Then she would keep washing, cutting her hands and would attack the cuts with alcohol and even bleach so germs won’t get in. She is friendly and personable when she ventures into the outside world. Barb is one of her main supports, getting her to come out and drink coffee. Barb long since hid her glasses in the freezer so all there is for Dixie to use is plastic.

These are some of the people I serve. I don’t care what they have seen of life or what they have done. That doesn’t matter now. They are people who need help with little available. They do serve as an example of the consequences of poor decision making. I have seen hundreds of these examples and am living with the consequences of my decisions. Perhaps this is why I can be so blunt with others about how they are going about life. I saw more by the time I was nineteen than most will see in their whole life and that gives me an insight, a wisdom if you will. I know many have issues with the Bible but there is some smart stuff in it. One verse says “There is a way which seems right to a man, but the end of that way is death”. We all think we are doing great, we’re in control, nothing is gong to go wrong, but we all learn from our mistakes.

On the way home, by some miracle, I remembered to stop by LMHA with the bank statement they needed from Wayne. Jeanine was in the front reception area when I went in and was surprised and happy to see me. I gave her the statement and waited till she made a copy. She again said “Thank you for helping Wayne” and I was on my way. Now I am home and a little light headed. Despite having multiple brain farts I have been sharp all day. This is one of the hard to understand things about my TBI. Just because I forget what I did five minutes ago doesn’t mean I am stupid. The rest of the brain is cognizant and active. Then I have the slow downs where the brain speed is sluggish. I still make lucid intelligent decisions, just take longer to do it.

Now I am tired and kinda dizzy so probably should lay down. Cherie just got home from work but has to go see the doctor. I’ll fix some peanut butter and honey on toast incase the lightheadedness is from a lack of protein. Will publish this first. The readership of this blog continues to increase which is flattering, I think.

It got better

This is Cherie and the lamp she bought yesterday. See what I mean about it putting a smile on her face? Her sister and others have remarked on how much happier she is now that we are back together. She said she had not seen Cherie smile as much before. They don't seem to count that as much now that I rocked the boat.

Cherie came home from shopping and I got out of bed, finally getting moving. I hate losing big portions of a day but that’s the way it is with this TBI and the partial seizures. Cherie looked at me and said “I spent allot of money. I got something I probably shouldn’t have. BUT I got a great deal on it! I hope you don’t mind…”. As she started on her long explanation of how great of a deal it was I interrupted her “Cherie, what did you buy”. “I got a Bruce Springsteen CD set. It only cost $15. There was no way I could ever get it that cheap. I…” She started again to justify her purchase.

This is because of the low self esteem she has. Because of what she has gone through in her life she has very little confidence in herself. Cherie has the quickest “I’m sorry” I have ever seen. It is a reflex response that she developed because of constant criticism. It will probably take years for me to build her up to where she understands that her opinions have value. I work on getting her to assert herself all the time, to speak out and say what she thinks, not what she feels others want to hear. I told Cherie that I trust and love her so much she could come home with fifty CD’s. Hell, I’ve made her responsible to tell me what I can spend. Of course major decisions we do together. For that matter we do that with everything.

I never did finish writing about Eileen. Boo was there when we got to her place and we all talked about lots of stuff. Boo told me about stuff Terry had stolen when he worked for me. That wasn’t a big surprise. Bobby came over drinking a beer and then someone who I think is related to Boo came by with her child and boyfriend. He was pretty respectful, not wanting to offend by bringing a beer in. I don’t know but he may have gotten out of the joint not to long ago.

These are people I’m comfortable with. It is a culture that is foreign to Cherie. I’m a chameleon and fit in with about any group, be it wealthy suit and tie businessmen or ex cons. It was F this and F that. I want an F’n beer. Did you hear what that C said. And on and on. The language was not what Cherie is used to though she's heard allot at XXXXXXXXXXX(edited at her request) This is just normal conversation in some circles and they think nothing of it. It really doesn't bother me and when with my friends I've been known to say a few F's also. Does that make them or me bad people? I don't think so.

Anyway Eileen was wearing out fast. She suffers from cluster headaches, which are worse than migraines. She was starting to get one and I could see it in her face. We excused ourselves and went home. Eileen needs to learn to tell folks to just go home when she gets tired. She is also not used to asserting herself but is getting better. She is happier than I have seen her before. Mick is good for her and is just what she needs. I had his name wrong and called him Nick in earlier entries. Probably should go back and change it but it won’t make a difference.

Tomorrow I have a busy day. I will take Barb to the laundry so will take ours and do it at the same time. I have to take Wayne for his yearly review at LMHA but first have to get him to Social Security for a proof of income that is required. That means I get moving early and will leave at the same time Cherie does for work. Hope I am sharp. Right now it is 10:30 and I am wide awake. Hate it when my clock gets turned around. I think Wayne’s doctors office building burned down this morning so I am sure that will cause problems.

A rough start.

This will be the garden in the Oasis we will eventually create in Texas. It was the garden when my grandparents were both able to care for it. Sand has drifted to the top of the fence as it does out there.

The rest of yesterday.

We just got back from Eileen’s. She was happy to see us… I’ll have to write on this tomorrow. Right now I’m tired and need to get out of these clothes cause they smell like smoke. It’s hard to believe I used to smoke and never was bothered, no actually felt at home in a cloud of smoke. Now that I don’t smoke the odor is strong and repugnant. This is the way of things. When you are surrounded by something it becomes unnoticeable. I’ve known people here and overseas who did not bath and were unaware of their B.O. Sewer workers to whom the smell of a sewer meant nothing. This holds true in other areas. People who live in the midst of trash seem unaware of how crappy their environment is. They are used to it and are dumfounded when others are disturbed when they enter the premises.

3/5/06 Sunday
Cherie and I both woke up at 4:00 this morning. It was hard to go back to sleep but when I did I had angry dreams. Did not want to wake up later. We watched a show on PBS about a guy named Oakley Hall who was a renowned up and coming playwright who had incurred brain damage from a fall from a bridge. It is always interesting to see these things as I can relate to them very well.
I wasn’t too bad when I woke up but am slowing down now with a headache coming. Cherie is getting wash together. The Sunni Moslem next door brought some blonde home for the night. I suppose hypocrites are not a Christian monopoly. He prays five times a day and always talks of how things are “illegal” for him like sex. He’s scary and just got scarier with this. I have seen this dichotomy before. It is like the Christian who says one thing and does another. He or she is conflicted, fighting a constant battle inside as the two sides war with each other. The greater their fervor the greater the conflict, mentally tearing themselves apart and becoming increasingly unbalanced. That is why Ahmed is so scary.

The slow down was a rough one. It started about 8:00 or so and is going away now at 2:00. The migraine got to the close the blinds and turn down the sounds level. I got out of bed a little while ago just to go out and give Cherie a kiss and was just about blinded from the sunlight coming in the windows in the living room. Cherie has gone shopping now and I am sharpening up. Go figure. I watched a program on PBS about gardening and that has spurred my imagination about what we can do on the farm in Texas. We are both excited about the new life we will build there. Cherie said she will be happy to get away from the things that vex her heart here in Toledo. It will be another escape for her. One she has made several times in her life only to return and feel the pain again.

I notice again that Cherie’s sister, Connie, is reading the blog. That is good and she has spent a lot of time doing this. There is six months of our life published on this blog so I would dare to say that Connie, by taking the time to read this, now knows more about us than anyone else in the family. When you read this Connie I just want to say thank you for taking the time. Don’t know if you approve or disapprove but we appreciate you caring enough to learn about us. I have four years of journal that will be published on the website I am building. That will cover some rough ground, telling of what I went through once I woke up from the coma.

Keep moving

Here it is. The philosophy we are both striving for. Life is what we make it and we choose to make it one free of bad pasts. There is only the future to look forward to.

The craft show was a bore. Cherie said it was allot smaller than before so she was disappointed. Not much that impressed me regarding talent and ability but there was some. Cherie was surprised when I told her that allot of the stuff there was mass produced and had been purchased for retail sale. She thought it was a rule that everything had to be made by those at the show. I’m sure much of it was but by all means not all of it. Cherie kept looking around because she was afraid she would see her mom and that was a source of trepidation.

After that we went to Kroger on Jackman road for gas after going online to see who sold the cheapest gas. At the station I called Eileen to see if she was up for a visit. I was surprised when she answered her phone. We talked quite a bit and she told me about the snotty crap she was getting from Sue, one of Terry’s girlfriends. She said something about Eileen not waiting for Glen to get cold before she had a man. Nick checked her hard on that and Terry didn’t have anything to say. He is still just walking in like it’s his home. Eileen needs to lock the door and as far as I’m concerned if someone has little or no respect for Eileen they need to stay the hell away.
I really want to meet this Nick guy. The more Eileen tells me about him the more I like him. She needs someone strong like that and Nick was her love long before she met Glen. They had a child together. Eileen, if your reading this “You go girl”. Take care of yourself and to hell with the rest. You only live once so live good. You don’t have to make anyone else happy, just yourself. Besides that, what the hell are some of these people hanging around you for if they don’t think much of you? On top of that you know some of them are thieves. You had too much stuff disappear over the years. Like the song says “Smiling faces, sometimes hide a frown”. Watch em and take care of yourself. Nuff said.

After that conversation we headed home. Cherie said “Look, there’s an estate sale”. Then she said that we had already gone too far past it. “Cherie, would you like to go to the estate sale?” I asked her. She waffled around as she does because of the fear that has been instilled since childhood, afraid of imposing or upsetting or saying something wrong. I spun the car around in a U turn and headed back. “Cherie you know I love you. Don’t ever be afraid to say what you want. Where’s this sale at?” I said. We talked about her being afraid and how I was helping her get free from it.

At the sale most of the good stuff was gone but there was a lamp she liked. It was priced at $28 but they said everything was half price to get rid of it. I offered the lady $10 and with a dejected look she accepted. This put a smile on Cherie’s face that I would have paid forty dollars to see. With that we headed home and talked more about these deep seated fears and low self esteem that has plagued her most of her life. Cherie said “You know, with you I can finally be free. I don’t have to be afraid anymore”. It will take a long time for her to overcome a lifetime of….well I best not say cause it will rock the boat more. I’ve done enough of that and truth seems to be a bad thing in some circles.

Halfway through the day

How's this for a back yard?


Jimmy Patterson, the guy in Texas I E-mailed this morning already responded. I think he will be a great asset for us as he already told me where God vacations and God lives down there. That kind of insider information you just can’t get anywhere. (Now I hope that wasn’t offensive to anyone. It was just a tongue in cheek expression he used regarding some great places to visit)

I got Wayne to the bank and Kroger. His legs started giving out towards the end so I had him stay at the check out and ran to get the few items left on his list. It’s good that his walker also doubles as a seat. Wayne understands now why I make him do things like pick up items off the shelf and put them in the cart and is insistent on doing things himself. This is about his only form of exercise and he needs it. His blood sugar has been high so I told him what he already knows. To eat three or four small servings a day instead of two big meals like he does now.

Wayne brought up something that has been bothering me for some time now. He said “I don’t know what I’m going to do when your gone Bob”. Fred has family and friends, including Rick and Cathy who live in this building, who have all told him they would care for him. Barb has her case worker from the Zeph Center and Allen is a big boy who has transportation so they are covered when we move to Texas. But Wayne is a different story. This will be one of the last loose ends I need to address.

When I pulled up to Wayne’s apartment I noticed the apartment next door had the window boarded up. I wondered about that cause it has been empty ever since they moved the prostitute out. When Wayne came to the door I said “What happened here? Did the crackheads break in to smoke their stuff?”. He told me that the old lady who lived in #1 had gone on a rampage breaking windows. He thought it was some kind of medication she was on but I know this comes from smoking crack. Wish I could get him out of there.

Cherie and I are fixin to go to the craft show and spend some time together so I must leave this journal for now.

The start for the day

This is a sunrise in Mosul, Iraq that my son took a picture of. He told me that the sunrises and sunsets are one of the few redeeming qualities of the area.

3/4/06 Saturday
It is a beautiful, sunny, and twenty degree morning. Typical for Toledo in March. I will get Wayne to the bank and grocery store this morning. There is a craft show at the Rec Center today that Cherie would like to go to so I’ll put that on the agenda.

I just sent an E mail to a guy in West Texas who seems very involved in the community down there. This is just one of the things I will be doing to warn West Texas that I am coming so they can run and hide. Nah! They don’t run and hide down in West Texas, they might just set up a road block with a big sign saying “Yankee go home”. Hey, I was born in West Texas, just because I haven’t lived there in twenty seven years and lost my accent doesn’t make me a Yankee. Now I admit I’ve seen some things up here that y’all would find a bit uncomfortable but it’s a big world and the more you see the smarter you get. (I don’t know if that is true but it sounds good)

Actually the folks in West Texas are generally pretty friendly. Allot friendlier than you find up here. I remember that as you pass someone on the farm roads they would lift their index finger as a friendly greeting. If I did that in the wrong neighborhood here it would be assumed I used my middle finger and they would chase me down with a gun for “dis’n” them. I think there is less tolerance for those who don’t “fit in the box” in West Texas. Things like long hair brings out a judgmentalism as you are automatically categorized. Of course you find that everywhere, it’s just that there are different boxes for different areas of society. Now I haven’t been there in twenty seven years so I really don’t have a clue what I will find when we move.

I just cooked eggs and hashbrowns for us and we are preparing for the day. I called Wayne to make sure he was awake. He wasn’t but he is now. Just for fun I told him I would pull up in three minutes so he had better be ready. That woke him up. “I’ll be there in about thirty of forty minutes” I reassured him so he will have time to get moving. We need to buy him another alarm clock as he broke the last one we got for him. Time to get moving.

Goodnight

It’s 5:51. I am still a little thick headed but running at a 5 on the Bob scale. The migraine is gone now. Tired. It’s been one of those days that drains me. Cherie is cooking a chicken dish she says I like. Of course I don’t remember ever having it before. I found some West Texas blogs that I will be exploring when I am sharper.
Wayne called. His check came in and it is time for his monthly food stock up. I usually take Saturday off but won’t this time because I was not up to taking care of him today.

We had dinner. The chicken Cherie fixed was great. Afterwards we watched America’s funniest videos. We always like that. Cherie was tired and fell asleep as she laid on my shoulder. It always touches my heart when she falls asleep as I hold her. I know she will kill me for saying this but I love to hear the sound of her snoring as she lays in my arms. There is a peace, a unity, a sense of rightness that is heightened during moments like this. I feel protective, I feel like her guardian, I feel so much. For both of us life has been renewed when our marriage was renewed. I will spend my life making sure Cherie is secure and happy and when she is happy I share her joy. I suppose that is a kind of selfish on my part because I benefit by insuring Cherie is happy. I don’t think she minds.

Growing interest

Just looked at the Mapstats and am again amazed at how many people are reading this blog. I know it’s nothing compared to most sites but still find it somehow a compliment that others would have an interest in mine and Cherie’s lives. There was some one from Egypt and that may have been my old friend Dr. Ron Charles who is in Egypt right now. He takes medication and ministers to the former Moslems who are transported to one of the largest garbage dumps in the world when they convert to Christianity. These people lose everything they own, their bank accounts, homes, and anything else and become rejects, considered to be trash.
I am getting more hits from England also. Someone did a search on Hearne Texas, where my dad’s side of the family hails from, and that led them to this blog. Too cool how this works. Today there are hits from Denmark, Canada, and one from Kansas City. I think that one will be my friends who helped me so much in St Louis when I was still in pretty bad shape from the accident. They didn’t know me, just knew I needed help with basics like food and clothes and was going to be homeless because my brother had not done what he promised. You can read about all that when I get the website up or my book written.

Thawing out

I noticed that Nate deleted portions of his blog that had to do with our little problem with each other. He did it at the request of family like I did at the request of Cherie. For that I compliment him and hope it is the start of a healing of sorts.
Nuff said there. I got the stove cleaned and it was a chore with this migraine and slow down. This is a physical one where the leg doesn’t work and my equilibrium is off making it difficult not to fall over. I am able to think a bit faster but the migraine is growing despite the medications. It is almost to the close the blinds level.
I just listened to my first Podcast. When I was looking at John Scalzi’s blog, http://www.scalzi.com/whatever/ , I saw a mention of this and John had a link to one of his short stories that was a Podcast. (By the way, John’s blog is one of the few I visit regularly. He is a published science fiction writer and his blog has a rare thing, Intelligence) I have been hearing about Pods for a while but never bothered to learn what they are. I had just presumed it was music and have no interest in paying to wander around with speakers in my ears. Education is good. I grew up on Sci Fi books, they were my escape from a rather troubled life. Unfortunately reading is difficult now because of this short term memory loss from the TBI but I have been wanting to read some of John’s stuff. I never remember to look for his books and really don’t buy much for myself because of our budget so the Podcast was an opportunity to check him out. He has a great sense of humor and of course the imagination required for Sci Fi writing. I listened to the Podcast moments ago but don’t remember much about it besides it was about alien animals and a few fragments like a pet alien that tried to eat the pet cat and smoking an alien skin with some pot. (You’d have to read or hear it to understand)

My ears are ringing pretty bad now. Hate when that happens. Glad I’m not scheduled to go anywhere cause I wouldn’t right now anyway. Everything is getting loud. The sound of Cherie’s computer, traffic out side, someone opening there door in the apartment building, the drip of water in the bathroom. It may be time to go hide in the bedroom where it is dark and…no, quiet doesn’t work because the sound comes through no matter what. Hey, I woke up today and I say that is all I need to have a good day so I’ll stick to that and refuse to feel sorry for myself. I did this to me so tough titty Bob, deal with it.

Some days are hard, some easy

Some days are hard. Some days are easy. But there are always obstacles to get around. The mark of a man is shown by how he does that.

3/3/06 Friday
I am slow this morning. Running about a 4 on the Bob scale. Not too bad but not too good. It has been a while since I woke up slow. I am at the Waffle House to meet with Jeff. Just had that change of hearing that is not a good sign. Hope it’s not going to be a bad slow down cause I am out and about. If it gets worse I will go home. Cherie asked me to pick up some time cards. That is just a few miles down the road so will be OK. I didn’t have anything scheduled but Wayne may get his check today so I will take him to the bank and then to stock up on groceries. I am sure I will be doing better later. The slow downs generally last only a couple of hours though the bad ones last all day. Those are the ones that put me in bed and usually come with the migraine.
I love this Wi-Fi. I can go on line here at the waffle house. Jeff could tell I was slow from my speech. I would have to hunt for words as I talked. Being slow doesn’t effect how or what I think, it just slows how fast I can express those thoughts and answer questions.
We talked about several things. He had mentioned “brainwashed” referring to the Prime Time show on polygamy that aired last night. These people believe the one the call “ The Prophet” is the one true voice of God. This was part of a wide ranging discussion on religion around the world and how it is used to control people and achieve certain agendas their leaders have. I said that the war in the middle east was a religious war and that it would have no end.
Blind belief is the core of so many religions and is the cause for the many problems that come with them. Everyone thinks that they have a lock on the truth, they are right and everyone else is wrong. I talked of how judgmentalism was the core of our problem at Cedar Creek Church. Rick told me that he thought I looked arrogant as I would stand in the lobby area of the church. He talked to me about “Why don’t I have a job” and read me scriptures on how a man should work and support his wife. This was a judgment he made of me and possibly the root of their rejection. I am sure they thought they were “Doing the work of God” in getting me out of the church and in their zeal made sure we were uninvited from the home group.
As we talked I got sharper and Jeff noticed that my voice improved. This is from the stimulus of conversation. I still wasn’t up to speed but better. When I got home I settled down and dropped to a lower level of cognizance. Writing this has taken me three hours. The migraine is on the way so will take the usual barrage of stuff in an attempt to cut it off at the pass.
Cherie just came home for lunch. I am cleaning the oven. Unless I am real slow I can still do stuff around the house. I got the dishes washed and finding some oven cleaner have attacked the 40 years worth of crap that has built up in the oven. It is thirty degrees out but I have the windows open in order to breath with the odor of oven cleaner permeating everything.
It is always good to see Cherie come home. She said I look tired and I am. The slow downs do that. Cherie said she is tired too and had to work to keep from falling asleep. Now that she is here I can tell how slow I am from my voice. Running about a four on the Bob scale. Actually seem to be getting worse.
Cherie is better. She was real sad about all this family stuff and depressed. She is snapping out of that and again looking forward to the home we will build in Texas.

By the way, I just looked at the monthly E mail I get from Lash and Associates, who have extensive resources for those with brain injuries and their families. My story has been featured since they got it sometime in 2003. You can find it at http://www.lapublishing.com/BrainInjurySurvivorForum.htm There is lots of information that will help you get an idea of what this injury can do.

My son (The oldest one)

Dinner was good with the exception of the peach pie. It’s crust was real salty. This is the first time I used the broiler because it never worked until I called the new landlords and got it fixed. Anyway it cooks faster than I thought so the steaks were not up to the usual Bob standard. Still weren’t bad.
I had sent Bruce an E mail in Iraq the other day and as always enjoyed reading his response. It was only a few sentences as usual because he has limited time on the computers which are shared by everyone on the base. This afternoon I got an E mail from Bruce which contains the first pictures I have had of Bruce since I woke from my coma. Here they are. He is a great kid.

The rest of the day

This turned out to be a long day. I am glad I stayed sharp. It started with taking Allen back to Family Services. He talked to his caseworker for the first time. She was very efficient and not at all the uptight bureaucrat Allen was expecting. I have run into a few of those in this journey but lately not as much. She worked through the forms quickly and advised Allen not to bring up a certain subject as it would just bog things down. That’s the kind of advice I like. She said it would take a few months before Allen could get approved for medical help though he needed doctors to fill out some forms. Almost a catch 22 but he can get it done through the Carenet program.
She was able to get Allen food stamps today and that was good news. Cherie and I have been taking him food for a couple of years now. Having food doesn’t mean Allen will eat it. I have been telling him he needs to eat whether he feels like it or not. With his depression he doesn’t care about eating and often his stomach is too upset for food. He told me he was throwing up all day yesterday. He thinks it was some kind of bug but I don’t. This is nothing new and I suspect it is connected with his pain killer abuse. Who the hell knows but that is why I am working to get him medical attention.
Fred called me while we were at Family Services. “Where you at Bob” he asked. “I’m at Family Services with Allen, Fred” I answered. “How long are you going to be there? I told Barb we would pick her up at a quarter to twelve” Fred said with his I’m worried voice. I told him I would be there as soon as I could, “Fred, you know how much rigmarole you have to go through down here so hang on. I’ll get there”. He was satisfied with that. Fred has gotten a lot more relaxed about things over the last year or so.
It wasn’t but a few minutes later and we were done. I took Allen home and listened to his thank you’s as I dropped him off. I headed right out, hurrying to get home and pick up Fred. I made pretty good time though Fred would have panicked if he had been riding in the car with me. I called him from the cell phone to let him know I was outside and he came right out.
We got to Barb’s and I honked the horn. She wasn’t too fast so Fred took the bag of stuff he had brought for her to the door. When she got into the car she couldn’t wait to tell me the good news “Basil’s gone, he’s in jail”. She proceeded to fill me in on the details. He has always been a leach and is one of the reasons her money disappears. He refused to give her money for rent despite having his check and she was fed up with it. She knew he had warrants for violating his probation so she called the police. She has tried to get him out of the house before but the police refused because his clothes were there and under state law it made him a legal resident. Now they took him to jail. She got rid of almost all of his clothes, throwing most of them out, but his boss said he would pick up the rest Monday.
We were late for the Huntington Community Center and thought it would mean she would have a long line and most of the stuff would be gone. Not quite. There was no line at all and they still had lots of stuff so guess what? They had to get rid of as much as they could. Instead of a few bags we filled a grocery cart and could have gotten more if we were greedy. Fact is Barb will hand out food to many of the residents of her complex and I got stuff for Wayne as well. I also got a peach pie and some baked potatoes from Red Lobster that were frozen that I brought home for us.
We took Barb home and I carried her groceries in as well as bringing in her garbage cans from the road. We set up a time for me to take her to the laundry and Pilgrims Church next week. Barb is very happy about Basil being gone and said it was like being free again. I told her I was proud of her for getting rid of his alcoholic ass and said “If he comes around again don’t let him in and if he gives you trouble give me a call”. I have been trying to get her to get him out for a long time because I know he was taking advantage of her operating at a ten or eleven year old level from the brain damage. It was a good thing to hear.
With that done Fred and I went to Wayne’s to drop off the food and two cent stamps I got him. Wayne was grateful as always and tried to give me fifty cents for the stamps. “Wayne keep that shit, you know better” I said as I plopped the bags of food down.
On the way home Fred talked about how Barb had told him she didn’t know what she would do if he was gone. This brought up the fact that Cherie and I will be going to Texas. “Fred, I feel bad about leaving you here because I know you depend on me” I told him. Fred reassured me that he would be taken care of. He had already discussed this with friends and relatives. It was good to hear. I am working to make sure everyone that depends on me in one way or another will be covered or at least is on a path that will help them. Then I am also working to deal with other things I see that need to be addressed to prevent future harm.

It is 4:30 now. I need to get started on dinner. Want to make it a nice one for Cherie. We will have T-bone steaks and I’m making twice baked potatoes from the Red Lobster potatoes. That and peach pie and ice cream. Time to move.

Who's packing your parachute

This tree is like many people I have known, including myself. We once thought it was dead and were surprised to see new life springing from death.


I just got this from my blog E mail address. It comes from a lady named Linda Eppely, who is one of the many I have met through this blog. Linda is another “Survivor”, one who has sustained a traumatic brain injury and has gone through the problems many of us do. This is a good thought so I thought I would share it.

Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat
missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb
ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years
in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now lectures
on lessons learned from that experience!

One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man
at another table came up and said, "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in
Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk . You were shot down!"

"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb.

"I packed your parachute," the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise
and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it worked!" Plumb
assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here
today."

Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb
says, I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a white
hat; a bib in the back; and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I
might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how are you?' or
anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor."
Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long wooden table
in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the
silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he
didn't know.

Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute?"
Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the
day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his
plane was shot down over enemy territory -- he needed his physical
parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual
parachute. He called on all these supports before reaching safety.

Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what
is really important We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you,
congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give
a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. As you go through
this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your
parachutes.

Bob, I am sending you this as my way of thanking you for your part in
packing my parachute . And I hope you will send it on to those who have
helped pack yours!

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without
writing a word. Maybe this could explain it: When you are very busy, but
still want to keep in touch, guess what you do -- you forward jokes. And to
let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you
are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded
joke.

So my friend, next time when you get a joke, don't think that you've
been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of
today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you
a smile, just helping you pack your parachute........
I suppose that is what I do. I spend my time helping, or at least trying to help, those who’s paths cross mine. Some do not appreciate it, some resent it, and many will never know, but that is fine with me. I don’t do it for accolades. I just feel that my life is a gift and a privilege so I share that gift the best I can. I get uncomfortable when some tell me “thank you” or “I don’t know what I would have done without you” all the time but it is good to hear. It’s got “Go to hell” beat by a long shot.

Another day

If you look you can find beauty anywhere, even in the midst of desolation.


3/2/06 Thursday
Today I am to take Allen for his appointment at Family Services. With his application for Social Security disability I am confident he will be approved to get Medicaid. Nah, confident isn’t the right word here, high hopes would be more accurate. As you can tell from the shortness of yesterdays entry the end of the day was a bit rough. The migraine didn’t last long but always takes a bit out of me. I am running about a 5 on the Bob scale right now. The limp isn’t bad.
Cherie headed out to work. It appears that we didn’t get as bad of an ice storm as feared, which makes me feel better about her driving to work.
I called Fred to see how he is doing. He is as good as can be expected for some one who is 87 and has emphysema so bad he requires oxygen to sleep at night. He said he talked to Barb last night. It’s the same routine. She said her check didn’t come in and that she is out of food so Fred wants to take her to the Trilby church or the Huntington community center for the food handout. No problem, it’s what I’ve been doing for three years. I can’t help her with the money because it’s her choice to spend her check on drugs, alcohol, or whatever drain it constantly goes down. She had called last week and asked me to put a table on my credit card because she had the cash for the down payment but they wanted a credit card for the monthly payments. That got an absolute “NO” from me. She has pulled stuff on Fred and on her payee by getting them to pay for things like newspaper subscriptions and then canceling to collect the money.
Allen called. He is awake and moving. That is a good sign and further encourages me he is serious about getting help. He is just one of the folks I help. In his case to get medical attention for his chronic pain, thus freeing him from the addiction to pain killers that are sucking him dry.
Yesterday I was researching legal help and found that the University of Toledo’s law college offers help for those who are poor. One of the areas is Social Security disability which will help Wayne and maybe even Allen. I will also inquire on behalf of Eileen who needs to establish that she was Glen’s common law wife. (This is how I spend my time Nate).
It’s time to go now. I’ll wash the dishes and clean the kitchen later.

It is another slow down. I got dizzy and then got bitchy. The headache is coming so took aspirin and Tramadol. Will take a Zomig now. My ears are still ringing. This one seemed to come on fast. It is 6:45. Typing is hard but wanted to record this. Cherie went shopping. Good time for that as it is easier for me to not have to interact. Even the news is hard to follow.

Still in love

We never stopped loving each other. She is still as beautiful today as she was twenty seven years ago when this was taken.


Fred hasn’t been doing well so doesn’t want to get out of the house today. He said maybe tomorrow but I told him the weather forecast is for everything to ice up. He didn’t seem to understand that.
I just talked to Virginia about the estate. They have to put up a legal notice for seven days and then things are done or at least Larry and I will get letters from the lawyer. Right now I am sending her an E mail to inquire who the politicians are for that area.
I took Cherie out shopping. I told her to take the day off because she was still upset about her parents house and the whole thing with the family. We went to the antique mall and she found an oil lamp and some copper Jello molds she liked. I found some small wood carving tools that I can use. Yesterday Cherie had bought me a nice jointers plane which she gave to me as an apology for what she wrote in this journal. That caught me by surprise cause I thought she was more than justified to be upset. It was really a nice plane and she got it for a great price.
We usually go out to eat at a nice place at the beginning of each month but Cherie didn’t want to cause I took her to the Brownstone restaurant when her mom had the wreck. “We spent $60.00 Bob, that was enough for now” she told me. I let her keep me in check cause it’s nothing for me to spend $100 on us when we go out but we have to be conservative. The trips to Texas drained my savings account and we need to replenish that. Anyway we went to Taco Bell but the one on Conant sucks. They couldn’t get the order right and were skimpy on everything. Hey, it’s a quick snack so no big deal. I think I will cook some of the steaks or something we have in the freezer. I suppose I should go look and see what we have.
Wayne called and asked when postage went up. I told him at the beginning of the year. He asked me to bring a two cent stamp cause his phone bill had come back. “Wayne, I’ll get you the stamps but not today ok.” That was kind of ok but he said he needed to get the bill mailed now. I told him that it wasn’t a big deal, the phone company wouldn’t shut him off because his check is a couple of days off.
We went to the storage unit and picked up some material Cherie had there as well as dropping off some stuff from our regular clean the apartment out season. We are home now. I am tired as I often get halfway through the day so should lay down for a couple of hours. The limp is getting bad which always indicates slowing down. I’ll be fine after a short rest.
Cherie went to do some laundry. I am having a hard time working on this. Time for a break.

Cherie has been deeply disturbed by all this so at her request I will no longer use this blog to communicate. Now that I have a working E mail address I will try to talk to Nate that way. If we had talked earlier things may have been better though I’m not sure of that. Communication is always good. I don’t dislike the guy just think he needed to do better.